Shauk

I don't think life was meant to be spent alone

I think this then why is the planet overwhelmed with square shaped people in my heart shaped world. Nothing fits to me

I've always been extremely picky, full of my high standards, I figure if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone, then they had better have the long term qualities that I hold dear.


So upon reflection.


Upon a lot of reflection....

Why does it seem like I can't get this girl out of my head?

I dunno, It's like somewhere along the road of my life, we went down the wrong street and both of us are too stubborn to admit that maybe we should go back and try a different route because we held ourselves to such a high standard. Perfection. She wasn't the most beautiful girl in the world, but she was perfect, she wasn't the most sane, but she was perfect, we didn't always agree or see eye to eye, but she was perfect.

We spent 5 years together. I fucked things up and never proposed, she fucked things up and got scared at the thought that she was wasting her life with me and dumped me looking for a more goal oriented person, or a more confident person.

We still talk to this day, she still calls me, she still confides in me, we still talk about our past together, she still regrets everything she did, We miss each other.

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS this shit haunts me. It cant be undone. But here I am a year later thinking "holy shit, I can't believe I still love this girl"


"whoo hoo" yeah, I can do better than her is the pep talk I expect to hear from anyone I talk to, but I honestly don't think so, because like I said, my standards are INCREDIBLE

It was actually something we discussed in depth during the breakup, that maybe we needed this time apart to figure out what we really had, to see if it was worth saving.

I really dunno...

I don't think I know what to do.

Shes my best friend in the world, the only person I can still talk to about anything, anything except this, that is.

She tried to get back with me before, but I was still angry at everything, that she didn't see her own stupid actions and the motives behind them. That I told her I was not a safety net for her if her "new life" didn't work out. I wrote her a letter before she officially left me, while we were still discussing our seperation, telling her how I saw things, how I saw them unfolding, how her pride would get the best of her, how she would force her new relationship to a sexual level even if it wasn't right for her emotionally. She called me up and let me know that everything I said was right.

I was intent on moving along with my life, but now, after a year of thinking about it, after her still being there for me though thick and thin, after dealing with shitty dates/relationships in the interim, I just miss her, and she misses me.

I need someone here to either smack some backbone in to me and tell me why this would be a horrible idea, or smack me and tell me to be honest with her.
I just suppose the worst that could happen is that she'd slam that door of opportunity in my face so I could finally force myself to move on for good. I guess I'm afraid of the pain of reality, since my fantasy of going back in time doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon.

I guess it would be easy to bury my feelings if she weren't still my best friend.

I dunno.

now, in order to "get me" emotionally you'd have to fire up the song "Come around" by Rhett Miller.

bleh, good morning, I haven't been to bed yet because this has been on my mind all night.