Shauk

well she could have said anything really.

I wasn't really asking her to make a decision yet.

but anyways, i think i made the post a lil prematurely.

bits and peices of the conversation after I texted her.


Her: so you don't want to talk to me again?

Shauk: what I want and what I think I may have to do are 2 different things. no one wants to be an amputee, for example.

Her: i dunno, i just panicked when you sent me that text
the thought of never talking to you again...
i don't know, i just can't imagine that
it's like this emptiness

Shauk: I didn't want any of this, I thought you did but I'm not so sure anymore.

Her: I know, I thought I did too, but when it comes down to it, you mean more to me than he does.


>>Fast forward<<

Her: I'm really suprised we're having this conversation 9 months after we broke up, our relationship is on a weird longass timeline.

Shauk: Well, you said if we were meant to be, we'd be.

Her: I don't know if I'm ready to take that step though.

Shauk: I dunno, there was just a serious problem when you visited me last time, for me, i mean.

Her: ?

Shauk: Like when you opened my car door to let me in and you kinda looked back up at me over your sholder, it was something like that which I would have normally went in for a kiss, and I had the urge, or when we went on our walk and our hands kept bumping and I just wanted to hold on. I was just like "fuck, fuck fuck fuck, this isn't good"

Her: Why are guys always nice to you until they catch you and then lose interest? this is like 9 months ago only things are totally reversed. you're being nice to me and caring about me and he's being jerky now

Shauk: I was being jerky back then? bah, well, look, i don't know what you want to do but it's like this. Look at it from your own angle, i'm not trying to deliver and ultimatum, i'm trying to find closure I guess, at least you know, that or some other semi conclusive ending. Either way you have to cut someone out of the picture. You have emotions for 2 people, it's poisoning you just like it poisons me, you can't be in a relationship when you have the feelings for me that you do, and I can't move on when I have the feelings for you that I do.

Her: I don't want to lose either of you, but i'm closer to you.


>>Fast forward<<


Shauk: Sorry for my text, I was just emotionally vulnerable after putting myself out there like that

Her: It's ok, I should have responded.. I'm really tired though

(at this point it's 4 am and she has to get up at 9 and has been talking to me for a lil over 2 hours)

Shauk: alright then, have a good rest, get back to me whenever I guess.

Her: It's definitely on my mind.





and... fin.


obviously I didn't want to post a 2 hour long conversation here so I just summarized.


I'm scared now, I feel like I'm reading too much into what she's saying.
like i'm setting myself up to make it harder to cut loose if she does decide against things.

*sigh* I guess if it works it will work.