Anxiety, depression & addiction... oh my! The mental illness thread. - Page 3 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

wooÐs · 12-20-2009, 10:31 AM

I stayed locked up in my house for a period of time too, in order to 'protect myself' from the shitty feelings of anxiety and such. Not good. It just creates another hurdle for you. Kudos for forcing yourself to get out though. I could barely do that.

Not sure how many doctors you've seen, but maybe you can keep trying until you find one that works for you? Let them know you're tired of medicine supposedly being your cure. He / she will probably refer you to a therapist. Nothing wrong with that. Imo, medicine shouldn't be prescribed without therapy.

Good luck to you.

Anonymous Member · 05-05-2010, 10:42 AM

What's the best way to bring up depression with your doctor without sounding like a phony? Do you just make an appointment and ask to be screened for depression?

I think I'm moderately to severely depressed and I'm hiding it from everyone. I have fear and anxiety and it's crippling me. I want help but I don't know how to do it. It's so difficult to make a decision when doing nothing feels so much safer.

I know what I need to do but I won't do it until I get some support and advice.

snowy · 05-05-2010, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous Member

What's the best way to bring up depression with your doctor without sounding like a phony? Do you just make an appointment and ask to be screened for depression?

I think I'm moderately to severely depressed and I'm hiding it from everyone. I have fear and anxiety and it's crippling me. I want help but I don't know how to do it. It's so difficult to make a decision when doing nothing feels so much safer.

I know what I need to do but I won't do it until I get some support and advice.

Pretty much. Basically, all you need to say is "I'd like to talk to the doctor about depression." Then, tell the doctor the same things you said above. A good doctor wants you to be able to live your life.

Typically the doctor will ask you a few questions that amount to a preliminary screening for depression. The last time I went on meds I also had to fill out a screening form that used a scale. There are several online screening questionnaires that are similar, such as this one: Online Screening Program - Screening for Mental Health After screening, they will likely run down a list of options for you, such as therapy, medication, or referrals to other professionals.

Please, please, please make an appointment and talk to your doctor. It will get easier to talk to people about this, but I understand that it can be difficult at first. Your doctor wants to help you--let them help you.

Anonymous Member · 05-05-2010, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowy

Pretty much. Basically, all you need to say is "I'd like to talk to the doctor about depression."

I just spent most of the past hour flipflopping over making an appointment. I finally called and made one, but I think it nearly triggered a panic attack.

The appointment is in 12 days.

Thanks you snowy.

snowy · 05-05-2010, 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous Member

I just spent most of the past hour flipflopping over making an appointment. I finally called and made one, but I think it nearly triggered a panic attack.

The appointment is in 12 days.

Thanks you snowy.

Thank you for taking the first step. It isn't easy to see it the rest of the way through, but I hope you do, and I'm cheering for you. If you need any more help, just let me know.

Good luck.

Salem · 05-12-2010, 05:06 PM

I'm actually pretty suprised I didn't see this earlier. I'm 19, well almost anyways. And I've been struggling with depression since.. well probably since day one but let's call it 11. That's when it started to get noticable. I had issues with my father growing up. He hated his job, took it out on the family. Never beat us or anything, except the one time he came home angry at nothing and gave my sister a spanking so hard she had welts, I guess you could count that, but we dont talk about it. When I was 12 I wrote a letter to my older friends counselor, whom she always raved about and loved, because I was having issues and she said, "Hey, maybe you should write to Jenn" So I did. Needless to say she contacted my school counselor, whi i wouldnt talk to. Then In highschool i talked to Jenn, and Toni, And eventally Nicole who they refered me to. Then I started cutting. Then I had to see Bev. I fucking hated Bev. So then I saw Joan, who refered my to Cheryl. They all concluded, Obviously you're depressed if you sit and stare at a wall all day, crying, spend your entire school day bouncing back and forth from counselors because you can't sit in class and concentrate without bawling your eyes out. AND you've started cutting.

I should say, I've been doing some self injury for as long as I can remember. I pick at the skin on my thumbs and fingers, mostly for habbit but it gets terribly bad when im upset. I've lost fingerprints before, which no, does not feel nice. It just escaladed to cutting.

So I was prescribed Effexor, which made me crazy. Then Celexa, which i cant remember much off cause i took myself off of it after 2 months, cold turkey, and moved out of town to go to university. I stayed off meds that year, quit cutting, then last summer I got onto citalopram, then switched to cipralex, then got onto cymbalta.

Now I'm off my meds. Which by the way, cymbalta withdrawls fuckign suck. It's been over a MONTH since I stopped taking them and I'm still getting the brain zaps, and headaches, and im exhausted, and naseaus, and.. ugh.. It's not cool. Anyways, in novemeber it'll be 2 years since I cut. Im trying VERY hard to live my life for me and just deal with things the day-by day approach, and try to live without all the pills. I still have counsellors of course, they're my hero's no doubt. But I'm trying to get away from the medical side of my depression.

So here's the short breakdown:

PILLS:
Effexor,
Celexa
Cipralex
Citalopram
Cymbalta

DIAGNOSIS:
Depression
General Anxiety Disorder
(Potnetial) Borderline Personality Disprder, (It was talked about, but it may have only been a side effect of the withdrawl from one of my meds that made me that numb and confused)

ADDICTIONS:
Counselling, If that's possible(longer story)
Cutting.

lurkette · 05-13-2010, 10:21 AM

It's timely that I just came back to Tilted and found this thread.

I've been on Paxil for about 8 years now. I have a family history of depression and anxiety which manifested as panic attacks and feelings of complete and utter self-loathing. I felt like a failure at every aspect of my life (objectively untrue) and was starting to think vaguely suicidal thoughts. So I went to the doctor, got a prescription, and started seeing a cognitive behavior therapist.

I was just starting to get my feet under me and get some muscle around retraining my thinking (cognitive behavior therapy is probably one of the best things I've encountered - I found it very useful) when my brother was killed suddenly in 2003. It really threw me out of whack - brought up all kinds of stuff in addition to the grief, stuff about my identity, my place in the world, who I really am at my core. So it didn't really seem like a good time to quit taking the Paxil. I continued seeing a therapist and worked through a lot of stuff, including one really fundamental cognitive/emotional/spiritual "roadblock" that had been in my way for, well, basically all my life.

So, now I'm doing better. Grief is grief...it's just there, and most of the time you're fine and sometimes you're not. I haven't had a panic attack since just after Josh died. I have some anxiety over things like money, but nothing like before, and probably at healthy levels that keep me from doing stupid things.

So I decided a few months back to go off the Paxil. I'd tried before, mostly because I hated being on it, I hated what it represented about me (totally get you, LordEden, about feeling weak for needing it...) It never worked - maybe because I came off too fast and the side-effects were too severe, maybe because I was doing it for the wrong reasons. This time I'm going off just because I think I don't need it any more. I'm trying to not be attached to going off it...if I need it, I need it. We'll see! I'm doing it very slowly. I wasn't even on a "therapeutic" dose - only 10mg/day. (I think 15-25 is the usual starter dose?) They don't make smaller doses, so I've been stepping down the number of days per week I take it. For a while I didn't feel any ill effects so I kept going, but when I got down to 2 days/week I started to get the usual suspects - zaps, dizzies, moodiness, some perseverative thoughts, and extreme irritability.

I'm back up to 3 days/week to kind of stabilize, but it's given me pause. How will I know what's a result of going off the Paxil and what's just my personality, or my response to stressful situations? Maybe I'm just a bitch in real life and the Paxil blunted it

We're around the time of year when Josh died, so how do I know what's just normal sadness and grief over that and what's depression creeping back? I feel a little bit like the frog in the pan of water...not sure I'll notice it's heated up until it's too late!

So...I'm struggling with whether I should stay the course at this dose, keep decreasing slowly and see what happens, or call it a failed experiment and go back on. I'm trying to strengthen other therapeutic behaviors that can pick up the slack - exercising frequently, getting outside and walking or digging in the dirt, deep breathing and relaxation exercises - but they're not always enough to keep me feeling like I'm on an even keel.

Not sure if I'm looking for advice, but I'd love to hear from others who have gone off their meds.

snowy · 05-13-2010, 11:35 AM

For me, the going-back-on-meds decision is one made not only by me. My SO has input as well. I can tell when the CBT stuff I do isn't working, and when it is out of my hands because I start feeling like a raw nerve--every little thing provokes me. Then, I ask my SO--"Hey, have you noticed that I've oversensitive lately?" And depending on his response, it may be time to talk to my doctor about going back on medication.

Your last paragraph really struck me, lurkette, because I think you're doing a healthy thing by keeping up with the CBT stuff, but yes, there is a point where CBT alone is not enough. It is a struggle to draw the line in the sand, so to speak, about meds, and I think the situation is so highly variable between people that it's hard to say one way or the other what's right, because we all have our different lines in the sand.

I would probably talk to some of the people you hold dear, because I know they're wonderful and supportive, and I have a feeling that with some input from them, and their observations, you may be able to better come to a decision for yourself about the next step.

Good luck, and may I say that I am DELIGHTED to see you around these parts again

Anonymous Member · 05-17-2010, 07:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous Member

I just spent most of the past hour flipflopping over making an appointment. I finally called and made one, but I think it nearly triggered a panic attack.

The appointment is in 12 days.

Here's an update for anyone who is interested.

I went to the doctor today and discussed my situation in a nutshell. He acknowledged that I've likely had untreated depression for years. Only now it's worse.

One point he made that I didn't realize is that he suggested now isn't a good time for major life changes because of my mood. This is a big part of my problem. I need to make life changes. The depression has been keeping me down. I guess I need to focus on getting better instead.

He suggested it's something I should take medication for. So he prescribed Effexor (venlafaxine). I'm to take it on a low dose for two weeks before going in for another appointment. I've never taken an antidepressant before. I've been opposed to them in the past, but I don't see much else for options. I can't afford therapy and nothing else seems to work.

What's more is now I know I should tell my SO about all this. I'm wondering how they will take it given I've hidden much of this for years. I wonder how much they already know but didn't want to confront me about.

This is going to be very difficult. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I don't talk to anyone about anything usually. I'm usually left to my own devices. I don't talk about feelings. Most of the time I don't even know if I have any or what they are.

Wish me luck.

snowy · 05-17-2010, 08:13 AM

Thanks for the update, Anon. Your SO likely has an inkling, if they know anything about depression. Opening up to them is important; we all need support. I know some people like to be stoic about things like this, but trying to tough it out doesn't help. I tried that once and it failed miserably. Additionally, your SO can serve as an important barometer of your mood later on down the line. Good luck talking with them.

Look at your medication as a tool for helping you to get better. You wouldn't sniff at antibiotics if you had strep, would you? No. No one is saying you have to be on meds forever. I have successfully managed to be off of medication for years at a time; however, doing so takes a LOT of work, and when you're seriously depressed, that is not the time to try. Medication will help you get out of the hole that depression puts you in; it will help you claw your way out, and then once you're out, you can do all of the CBT things mentioned earlier in this thread that will help keep you out of the hole. CBT alone cannot get you out of the hole if it's deep enough.

I'm really glad that you followed through with this, and wish you the best in getting this dealt with.

lurkette · 05-17-2010, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous Member

Here's an update for anyone who is interested.

I went to the doctor today and discussed my situation in a nutshell. He acknowledged that I've likely had untreated depression for years. Only now it's worse.

Good for you for taking that big step!

Quote:

One point he made that I didn't realize is that he suggested now isn't a good time for major life changes because of my mood. This is a big part of my problem. I need to make life changes.

What kind of life changes do you need to make? If it's something positive like moving to a better job, that might actually be a good idea. But generally big changes like getting married, having a kid, moving to a new town, etc., are going to make life even more stressful and are going to make dealing with depression even more challenging.

Quote:

He suggested it's something I should take medication for. So he prescribed Effexor (venlafaxine). I'm to take it on a low dose for two weeks before going in for another appointment. I've never taken an antidepressant before. I've been opposed to them in the past, but I don't see much else for options.

I think everyone here understands your opposition and has been there...it feels like a crutch or a bandaid, but remember what Snowy (I think) said - depression is a physiological disorder that happens to have some cognitive and emotional components. It's a chemical imbalance. You wouldn't think a diabetic was weak for taking insulin, right?

Remember, too, that many antidepressants take a while to build up in your system, so it may be as long as 4-6 weeks before you really feel the full effect.

Quote:

I can't afford therapy and nothing else seems to work.

If you can manage to pay for a cognitive behavior therapist, I would highly recommend it. CB therapy tends to be time-limited and goal-oriented. It's not just about keeping you talking till you find the root of your neuroses, it's about actively changing the negative thought patterns that are underneath the cognitive side of the depression.

If you can't get to a therapist, I highly recommend "

Feeling Good

," which is sort of a do-it-yourself cognitive therapy manual. It points out the known "distortions" that underlie the thinking of many people with depression and anxiety. You have to be kind of disciplined, though...I found that when I was depressed, I was sometimes too depressed to even read the damn book. You also have to be willing to step outside the patterns of your usual thinking and admit that the things you think are true ("I suck, I'm a failure, this might work for some people but I'm REALLY broken") are just symptoms of the disease.

Quote:

What's more is now I know I should tell my SO about all this. I'm wondering how they will take it given I've hidden much of this for years. I wonder how much they already know but didn't want to confront me about.

Absofuckinglutely. You need a support network, and if your SO loves you s/he is going to want to do everything they can to help.

Quote:

This is going to be very difficult. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I don't talk to anyone about anything usually. I'm usually left to my own devices. I don't talk about feelings. Most of the time I don't even know if I have any or what they are.

I know at least from my experience, things always seem so much worse when I'm stuck in my own head, agreeing with all of my bullshit. Talking to someone else - even if all they do is nod and smile - really provides an alternate perspective. Sometimes just saying something aloud and hearing how it must sound to someone else makes me question it and think "how could I really think that is true?"

If you don't want to/can't talk to your SO, you might try joining a support group, either in real life or something online like Depression Tribe.

Quote:

Wish me luck.

You know we're all pulling for you. It might feel overwhelming, but at least now you're doing something! I can't remember who said "action is the antidote to despair" but it's true, or at least better than the alternative of sitting around hoping you can think yourself out of it.

Daniel_ · 05-25-2010, 12:20 PM

I realised today that I'm entering a low period and have been for a few weeks.

I don't want advice - I just needed to admit to myself that it's happening and feel safe admitting it here.

snowy · 05-25-2010, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daniel_

I realised today that I'm entering a low period and have been for a few weeks.

I don't want advice - I just needed to admit to myself that it's happening and feel safe admitting it here.

I'm glad that you feel you can talk about it here.

Daniel_ · 05-25-2010, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowy

I'm glad that you feel you can talk about it here.

I have trouble even admitting it to myself.

lurkette · 05-25-2010, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daniel_

I realised today that I'm entering a low period and have been for a few weeks.

I don't want advice - I just needed to admit to myself that it's happening and feel safe admitting it here.

Hugs. And good for you for recognizing it.

Redjake · 05-25-2010, 04:38 PM

I'm on 120 mg of Cymbalta for severe depression. It helps a lot. One time I stopped taking it for 3 or 4 days and I almost went batshit crazy. Then I took 120 mg the next day and puked my guts out. Don't ever go cold turkey on Cymbalta!!!!!!!!

Cernunnos · 05-25-2010, 11:35 PM

I've yet to be diagnosed with any mental disorder, but a maladaptive behavior pattern is to isolate myself and avoid attention while in crowds, and if I become the focal point of interest, even briefly, I will attempt to minimize the amount of time that eyes and ears are trained on me, short of fleeing the scene. My cheeks will redden, speech quickens and becomes studded with stutters, every muscle in my body will rigidly tighten, and thoughts freeze up.

These effects significantly diminish if I am speaking to a small group or an individual stranger, and once familiarized with everyone involved, they disappear entirely.

Daniel_ · 05-26-2010, 11:13 PM

I'm seriously considering going to the doctor this time.

I've got some behavioural things to try first - talking, working differently, NLP, CBT type things.

lurkette · 05-27-2010, 06:57 AM

I'm back on my Paxil. I noticed I was weepy for no particular reason about 75% of the time and starting to obsess anxiously over things that were inconsequential. So...back to the meds!

hunnychile · 05-27-2010, 09:43 AM

A friend of mine on Paxil says it made her feel free from some very intense OCB activities, such as washing her hands all the time and needing to rearrange for desk every few hours...so I've seen that med help someone reclaim her life.

For me, going to a therapist literally saved my life some 25 years ago. I was feeling so paranoid & wanting to kill myself and my counselor, named Helen - was like a gift from Heaven. She & I met twice a week for (hourly chat ect.) 3 months and then once a month for the next 7 months. She and I got to the bottom of my intense fears and feelings of "no self worth" plus family dynamics. Huge issues. She taught me an NLP technique that still works today, though I seldom need it! Yeah! When she hyponotized me a few times we made intense progress and big breakthroughs I needed to see & remember.

I am a big believer that counseling is a very effective way to deal with getting mentally healthy, but I did have to meet 2 other therapists first, who I did not like and didn't continue with. I found Helen because a good friend who knew us both had recommended her for me. Best part of my life!

Now when I start to fall into a major depression, I revert to the stuff she taught me and start walking outdoors daily for excercise and fresh air.

Some folks do much better on meds when they also get counsel. Most therapists agree that the two together is the best way to treat depression and other issues.

Must Add:
*Dr. Helen used a sliding scale and made my fee very easy to pay. But also, I wanted to get better at any cost. Her fee was $25./hr. (that was 25 years ago.) Most insurances will cover counseling and most therapists can find the funds for folks in need.

Good luck and never give up.

lurkette · 05-27-2010, 05:15 PM

Part of the reason I've gone back on the Paxil is that this time the depression feels completely unfounded. Originally, I had a lot of self-loathing, and then my brother died. This is different. It's less intense, but less focused. I'm sad and weepy for no reason, tired, unmotivated, etc...there's no cognitive aspect of it that I can put my finger on. I did CBT therapy for about a year and continue to work with someone when I need it, and I have broken through a lot of stuff.

The anxiety is another story, and I am finding some success in the relaxation exercises my therapists taught me and just breathing and taking actions where I can and letting go what I can. Amen to getting outside and taking a walk!

But I don't want to take any chances, and I owe it to my loves and my colleagues to take care of myself.

Anonymous Member · 05-27-2010, 05:52 PM

I have spent most of my life depressed. I am having serious anger issues to the point my wife (the kids step-mom)has decided to leave and take my children with her. I think she's doing the right thing. I haven't become physically abusive...yet. I have said some some pretty mean things to my kids (14 and 16) when angry that are simply not ok.

Suicidal thoughts? Yeah in a big way. I'm sitting here with a loaded handgun. The only thing stopping me is that I know it means a life of total mental anguish for my kids. My wife begged me to go get help. I don't want to. I no longer want face the day to day struggles. I just want it all to be over. I left the house as she was calling the sheriffs office. They just called my cell and left a voice mail. I'm tired. I'm to scared to pull the trigger, but I really do believe that in the long run that's what's best for everybody. I don't think I have it in me to pull myself back up, and I can't think of any reason I would want to.

ring · 05-27-2010, 06:17 PM

Hello! Talk to us please.

Anonymous Member · 05-27-2010, 06:26 PM

I'm here.

I don't want to live, I'm not sure I want to die. If I really wanted to die, I would be dead. I have the means to do it.

I'm tired, I can't shut off my brain. I've lost everything that really mattered. I don't what else to do...I just don't want to hurt anymore.

ring · 05-27-2010, 06:32 PM

Yes, you want to live, but like you said,
you are in terrible pain, and very tired.

Please make a phone call.

It had a very difficult time dialing 911 when I was in trouble,
but I did it, and it wasn't scary,
I felt safe then.

Please call.
They will help you to shut off the brain for awhile.

It works, please give them your trust.

MSD · 05-27-2010, 06:37 PM

This is the number for the suicide prevention lifeline in the US 1-800-273-8255.

Put the gun down and call them now, you need to talk to someone because you obviously don't really want to do this. If you did, you would have done it instead of asking us for help. Whatever made you pause and think "I should tell TFP about this" instead of just doing it is what you need to focus on right now because it's what matters to you.

I'll bet it's your wife and kids. You care about them and you're angry at yourself for hurting them. I can tell you right now from losing a friend that even if it's the easy way out for you or you think it's the only way out, suicide is the easiest way to hurt those who care about you to the greatest degree possible. If you've been here for any amount of time (and I'd imagine you have been since you're coming to us for help) you know that I'm a loud, obnoxious, sarcastic tough guy, but right now, ten years after losing my friend Adam, I can't hold back the tears thinking about it. If that's how I'm reacting a decade later, imagine what his family goes through.

You're at this low point in your life because you're so upset that you hurt people you love to the point that they left. If you can't put the gun down and ask for help for your own sake, do so because you can't bear to hurt the people you love, and who love you, any more.

Anonymous Member · 05-27-2010, 07:00 PM

The gun is down, suicide is off the table....for now. I still don't really want to live, but I don't believe that death is the best option for everyone concerned.

This is a really shitty place to be...

I've been around TFP for a number of years. This is the safest place I could turn. Thank you guys....seriously, thank you.

MSD · 05-27-2010, 07:01 PM

Beat me to it be a few seconds. That's a relief. I'm glad we were able to be here for you.

I don't like that "for now" part, though. If you start thinking about it again and we're not here to help talk you out of it, think about these two less=than-pleasant things: first, among people who have survived suicide attempts by jumping, almost all of them had a moment of clarity while falling and regretted jumping; second, only half of people who try to kill themselves with a gun succeed. The rest wake up in a hospital in disbelief that they ended up worse off than they were before pulling the trigger. I'm no statistician, but trying to fix things the hard way sounds a lot more appealing than either of those options.

ring · 05-27-2010, 07:08 PM

I'm very relieved to know the gun is down.

Are you still online?

If you want to talk a bit, I & others are here to listen.

dlish · 05-27-2010, 07:12 PM

You obviously need an outlet and need to let someone know. Thank you for putting that trust in TFP.

But as much as we can help, your call for help would be better handled if you would talk to a proffessional who would be able to give you the support that you need.

as concerned members of TFP, we do hope that you can work through this.

Anonymous Member · 05-27-2010, 07:18 PM

I am still here. I am as ok I'm going to be. I have spent a long time (30+ years) dealing with depression mostly on my own. I did spend over a year in an inpatient drug rehab that involved 12-14 hours of therapy/day. I haven't used in a very long time 10+ years), and I don't really drink, so substance abuse is not an issue. I am just ready to explode.

I am out of control. I don't want to go get help. I don't see a way out of the cycle I'm in.

Anonymous Member · 05-27-2010, 07:27 PM

let me be clear...

I appreciate you guys, more than I could possibly express. I mean that.

I loath therapy. I want nothing to do with counseling. I've had more counseling than any 3 people should have to endure.

I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm not trying to push you guys away.

I don't know what I want. I can't live the way I am, I can't leave my kids the issues that come with their Dad killing himself. Their mother abandoned them when they were very young. I can't leave the world by my own hands, they deserve better than I can give them, but that doesn't make it ok for me to hurt them like that.

Anonymous Member · 05-27-2010, 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MSD

Beat me to it be a few seconds. That's a relief. I'm glad we were able to be here for you.

I don't like that "for now" part, though. If you start thinking about it again and we're not here to help talk you out of it, think about these two less=than-pleasant things: first, among people who have survived suicide attempts by jumping, almost all of them had a moment of clarity while falling and regretted jumping; second, only half of people who try to kill themselves with a gun succeed. The rest wake up in a hospital in disbelief that they ended up worse off than they were before pulling the trigger. I'm no statistician, but trying to fix things the hard way sounds a lot more appealing than either of those options.

I know somebody who survived putting a .38 to the roof of his mouth and shooting himself. Thank you for the reminder. I can't let that be me.

ring · 05-27-2010, 07:39 PM

That's a rough place to be in.
You don't have to figure everything out tonight.

I too, have mixed feelings about therapy, but,

I remember how much the counselors cared, and all the good tools they gave me
to help deal with stress & anguish.

Please at least call one hot-line person tonight, okay?

Cynthetiq · 05-27-2010, 07:52 PM

What a conundrum. Can't live and can't die. I remember being in that spot and from time to time it returns. I just have to remember that this too shall pass.

When I'm feeling it return, I remember these words:

Quote:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Good luck. I hope it helps.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Anonymous Member · 05-27-2010, 07:54 PM

I won't promise that I'll the call hotline tonight. Mainly because I probably won't do it. I will promise this:
At least for tonight, if I, once again, find myself seriously considering suicide, I will do one of two things. I will either call the hotline, or I will go to the hospital and tell them what I am thinking.

I'm currently in my office at work. I need to go home and go to bed. I have a long day at work ahead of me tomorrow. I have a cold, and seriously need some rest. I doubt I'll sleep tonight.

I'm leaving for home now. I will post at some point later, if only to say I'm ok. I'm pretty sure my wife will still be at the house, so I'm sure we'll have a lengthy discussion.

ring · 05-27-2010, 07:58 PM

Yes, good. Please stay in touch, and rest well.

Anonymous Member · 05-27-2010, 08:36 PM

I'm home. Wife and kids are not. I saw my wife getting gas as I passed a gas station on my home. I know she saw me as well. I'd be surprised if a couple of deputy's from the Sheriff's Office don't show up at the door soon. I should probably return the deputy's call, at least to let them know I'm ok and going to bed, so I don't get annoyed by them showing up here.

Again, I am deeply grateful that I had somewhere to turn, and you guys were there. I don't know where life is going to take me, and I'm not positive I'll go along willingly, but at least for tonight, I'll go along.

lurkette · 05-28-2010, 04:25 AM

Please seek some help...you can't pull yourself out of this pit alone. I know you said you loathe therapists, but they are there to help you.

Remember, right now in the story of your life you are an UNRELIABLE NARRATOR. Depression distorts your perception of reality, as you well know. You cannot right now trust your feelings. The fact that you can still think of your kids and your wife and your job is hopeful. So grab that piece of hope and listen to us: pick up the damn phone and let someone else help you. There's something on the other side of this, and you just can't see it. Trust us that it's there.

cj2112 · 05-28-2010, 06:39 AM

OK...enough hiding behind some mask...

I spoke with both my immediate supervisor (who I'm fortunate enough to call a friend) and my wife last night. I made a commitment to go to the hospital today. I still want to die, I just can't do that to the kids. Having some form of a moral compass is both a blessing and a curse.

I'm afraid for my children, I'm afraid for my wife. I'm scared that I am so close to the edge that the next time I explode I won't be able to stop myself. The last few days have scared the shit out me. I'm losing my mind, I'm rapidly losing what little control I have over myself. My wife and children are terrified to be in the same building as me, and I think they should be afraid.

I don't see anything on the other side. I know there must be, because I know that not everyone feels this way.

05-13-2010, 10:21 AM	#87 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	It's timely that I just came back to Tilted and found this thread. I've been on Paxil for about 8 years now. I have a family history of depression and anxiety which manifested as panic attacks and feelings of complete and utter self-loathing. I felt like a failure at every aspect of my life (objectively untrue) and was starting to think vaguely suicidal thoughts. So I went to the doctor, got a prescription, and started seeing a cognitive behavior therapist. I was just starting to get my feet under me and get some muscle around retraining my thinking (cognitive behavior therapy is probably one of the best things I've encountered - I found it very useful) when my brother was killed suddenly in 2003. It really threw me out of whack - brought up all kinds of stuff in addition to the grief, stuff about my identity, my place in the world, who I really am at my core. So it didn't really seem like a good time to quit taking the Paxil. I continued seeing a therapist and worked through a lot of stuff, including one really fundamental cognitive/emotional/spiritual "roadblock" that had been in my way for, well, basically all my life. So, now I'm doing better. Grief is grief...it's just there, and most of the time you're fine and sometimes you're not. I haven't had a panic attack since just after Josh died. I have some anxiety over things like money, but nothing like before, and probably at healthy levels that keep me from doing stupid things. So I decided a few months back to go off the Paxil. I'd tried before, mostly because I hated being on it, I hated what it represented about me (totally get you, LordEden, about feeling weak for needing it...) It never worked - maybe because I came off too fast and the side-effects were too severe, maybe because I was doing it for the wrong reasons. This time I'm going off just because I think I don't need it any more. I'm trying to not be attached to going off it...if I need it, I need it. We'll see! I'm doing it very slowly. I wasn't even on a "therapeutic" dose - only 10mg/day. (I think 15-25 is the usual starter dose?) They don't make smaller doses, so I've been stepping down the number of days per week I take it. For a while I didn't feel any ill effects so I kept going, but when I got down to 2 days/week I started to get the usual suspects - zaps, dizzies, moodiness, some perseverative thoughts, and extreme irritability. I'm back up to 3 days/week to kind of stabilize, but it's given me pause. How will I know what's a result of going off the Paxil and what's just my personality, or my response to stressful situations? Maybe I'm just a bitch in real life and the Paxil blunted it We're around the time of year when Josh died, so how do I know what's just normal sadness and grief over that and what's depression creeping back? I feel a little bit like the frog in the pan of water...not sure I'll notice it's heated up until it's too late! So...I'm struggling with whether I should stay the course at this dose, keep decreasing slowly and see what happens, or call it a failed experiment and go back on. I'm trying to strengthen other therapeutic behaviors that can pick up the slack - exercising frequently, getting outside and walking or digging in the dirt, deep breathing and relaxation exercises - but they're not always enough to keep me feeling like I'm on an even keel. Not sure if I'm looking for advice, but I'd love to hear from others who have gone off their meds. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

05-13-2010, 11:35 AM	#88 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	For me, the going-back-on-meds decision is one made not only by me. My SO has input as well. I can tell when the CBT stuff I do isn't working, and when it is out of my hands because I start feeling like a raw nerve--every little thing provokes me. Then, I ask my SO--"Hey, have you noticed that I've oversensitive lately?" And depending on his response, it may be time to talk to my doctor about going back on medication. Your last paragraph really struck me, lurkette, because I think you're doing a healthy thing by keeping up with the CBT stuff, but yes, there is a point where CBT alone is not enough. It is a struggle to draw the line in the sand, so to speak, about meds, and I think the situation is so highly variable between people that it's hard to say one way or the other what's right, because we all have our different lines in the sand. I would probably talk to some of the people you hold dear, because I know they're wonderful and supportive, and I have a feeling that with some input from them, and their observations, you may be able to better come to a decision for yourself about the next step. Good luck, and may I say that I am DELIGHTED to see you around these parts again __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

05-17-2010, 08:13 AM	#90 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	Thanks for the update, Anon. Your SO likely has an inkling, if they know anything about depression. Opening up to them is important; we all need support. I know some people like to be stoic about things like this, but trying to tough it out doesn't help. I tried that once and it failed miserably. Additionally, your SO can serve as an important barometer of your mood later on down the line. Good luck talking with them. Look at your medication as a tool for helping you to get better. You wouldn't sniff at antibiotics if you had strep, would you? No. No one is saying you have to be on meds forever. I have successfully managed to be off of medication for years at a time; however, doing so takes a LOT of work, and when you're seriously depressed, that is not the time to try. Medication will help you get out of the hole that depression puts you in; it will help you claw your way out, and then once you're out, you can do all of the CBT things mentioned earlier in this thread that will help keep you out of the hole. CBT alone cannot get you out of the hole if it's deep enough. I'm really glad that you followed through with this, and wish you the best in getting this dealt with. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

05-25-2010, 12:20 PM	#92 (permalink)
Daniel_ Evil Priest: The Devil Made Me Do It! Location: Southern England	I realised today that I'm entering a low period and have been for a few weeks. I don't want advice - I just needed to admit to myself that it's happening and feel safe admitting it here. __________________ ╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗ Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air, And deep beneath the rolling waves, In labyrinths of Coral Caves, The Echo of a distant time Comes willowing across the sand; And everthing is Green and Submarine ╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

05-25-2010, 04:38 PM	#96 (permalink)
Redjake I'm a family man - I run a family business. Location: Wilson, NC	I'm on 120 mg of Cymbalta for severe depression. It helps a lot. One time I stopped taking it for 3 or 4 days and I almost went batshit crazy. Then I took 120 mg the next day and puked my guts out. Don't ever go cold turkey on Cymbalta!!!!!!!! __________________ Off the record, on the q.t., and very hush-hush.

12-20-2009, 10:31 AM	#81 (permalink)
wooÐs Sitting in a tree Location: Atlanta	I stayed locked up in my house for a period of time too, in order to 'protect myself' from the shitty feelings of anxiety and such. Not good. It just creates another hurdle for you. Kudos for forcing yourself to get out though. I could barely do that. Not sure how many doctors you've seen, but maybe you can keep trying until you find one that works for you? Let them know you're tired of medicine supposedly being your cure. He / she will probably refer you to a therapist. Nothing wrong with that. Imo, medicine shouldn't be prescribed without therapy. Good luck to you.

05-05-2010, 10:42 AM	#82 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	What's the best way to bring up depression with your doctor without sounding like a phony? Do you just make an appointment and ask to be screened for depression? I think I'm moderately to severely depressed and I'm hiding it from everyone. I have fear and anxiety and it's crippling me. I want help but I don't know how to do it. It's so difficult to make a decision when doing nothing feels so much safer. I know what I need to do but I won't do it until I get some support and advice.

05-12-2010, 05:06 PM	#86 (permalink)
Salem Psycho Location: Canada	I'm actually pretty suprised I didn't see this earlier. I'm 19, well almost anyways. And I've been struggling with depression since.. well probably since day one but let's call it 11. That's when it started to get noticable. I had issues with my father growing up. He hated his job, took it out on the family. Never beat us or anything, except the one time he came home angry at nothing and gave my sister a spanking so hard she had welts, I guess you could count that, but we dont talk about it. When I was 12 I wrote a letter to my older friends counselor, whom she always raved about and loved, because I was having issues and she said, "Hey, maybe you should write to Jenn" So I did. Needless to say she contacted my school counselor, whi i wouldnt talk to. Then In highschool i talked to Jenn, and Toni, And eventally Nicole who they refered me to. Then I started cutting. Then I had to see Bev. I fucking hated Bev. So then I saw Joan, who refered my to Cheryl. They all concluded, Obviously you're depressed if you sit and stare at a wall all day, crying, spend your entire school day bouncing back and forth from counselors because you can't sit in class and concentrate without bawling your eyes out. AND you've started cutting. I should say, I've been doing some self injury for as long as I can remember. I pick at the skin on my thumbs and fingers, mostly for habbit but it gets terribly bad when im upset. I've lost fingerprints before, which no, does not feel nice. It just escaladed to cutting. So I was prescribed Effexor, which made me crazy. Then Celexa, which i cant remember much off cause i took myself off of it after 2 months, cold turkey, and moved out of town to go to university. I stayed off meds that year, quit cutting, then last summer I got onto citalopram, then switched to cipralex, then got onto cymbalta. Now I'm off my meds. Which by the way, cymbalta withdrawls fuckign suck. It's been over a MONTH since I stopped taking them and I'm still getting the brain zaps, and headaches, and im exhausted, and naseaus, and.. ugh.. It's not cool. Anyways, in novemeber it'll be 2 years since I cut. Im trying VERY hard to live my life for me and just deal with things the day-by day approach, and try to live without all the pills. I still have counsellors of course, they're my hero's no doubt. But I'm trying to get away from the medical side of my depression. So here's the short breakdown: PILLS: Effexor, Celexa Cipralex Citalopram Cymbalta DIAGNOSIS: Depression General Anxiety Disorder (Potnetial) Borderline Personality Disprder, (It was talked about, but it may have only been a side effect of the withdrawl from one of my meds that made me that numb and confused) ADDICTIONS: Counselling, If that's possible(longer story) Cutting.

05-25-2010, 11:35 PM	#97 (permalink)
Cernunnos Insane Location: Orlando, Florida	I've yet to be diagnosed with any mental disorder, but a maladaptive behavior pattern is to isolate myself and avoid attention while in crowds, and if I become the focal point of interest, even briefly, I will attempt to minimize the amount of time that eyes and ears are trained on me, short of fleeing the scene. My cheeks will redden, speech quickens and becomes studded with stutters, every muscle in my body will rigidly tighten, and thoughts freeze up. These effects significantly diminish if I am speaking to a small group or an individual stranger, and once familiarized with everyone involved, they disappear entirely.

05-26-2010, 11:13 PM	#98 (permalink)
Daniel_ Evil Priest: The Devil Made Me Do It! Location: Southern England	I'm seriously considering going to the doctor this time. I've got some behavioural things to try first - talking, working differently, NLP, CBT type things. __________________ ╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗ Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air, And deep beneath the rolling waves, In labyrinths of Coral Caves, The Echo of a distant time Comes willowing across the sand; And everthing is Green and Submarine ╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

05-27-2010, 06:57 AM	#99 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	I'm back on my Paxil. I noticed I was weepy for no particular reason about 75% of the time and starting to obsess anxiously over things that were inconsequential. So...back to the meds! __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

05-27-2010, 09:43 AM	#100 (permalink)
hunnychile Alien Anthropologist Location: Between Boredom and Nirvana	A friend of mine on Paxil says it made her feel free from some very intense OCB activities, such as washing her hands all the time and needing to rearrange for desk every few hours...so I've seen that med help someone reclaim her life. For me, going to a therapist literally saved my life some 25 years ago. I was feeling so paranoid & wanting to kill myself and my counselor, named Helen - was like a gift from Heaven. She & I met twice a week for (hourly chat ect.) 3 months and then once a month for the next 7 months. She and I got to the bottom of my intense fears and feelings of "no self worth" plus family dynamics. Huge issues. She taught me an NLP technique that still works today, though I seldom need it! Yeah! When she hyponotized me a few times we made intense progress and big breakthroughs I needed to see & remember. I am a big believer that counseling is a very effective way to deal with getting mentally healthy, but I did have to meet 2 other therapists first, who I did not like and didn't continue with. I found Helen because a good friend who knew us both had recommended her for me. Best part of my life! Now when I start to fall into a major depression, I revert to the stuff she taught me and start walking outdoors daily for excercise and fresh air. Some folks do much better on meds when they also get counsel. Most therapists agree that the two together is the best way to treat depression and other issues. Must Add: *Dr. Helen used a sliding scale and made my fee very easy to pay. But also, I wanted to get better at any cost. Her fee was $25./hr. (that was 25 years ago.) Most insurances will cover counseling and most therapists can find the funds for folks in need. Good luck and never give up. __________________ "I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

05-27-2010, 05:15 PM	#101 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Part of the reason I've gone back on the Paxil is that this time the depression feels completely unfounded. Originally, I had a lot of self-loathing, and then my brother died. This is different. It's less intense, but less focused. I'm sad and weepy for no reason, tired, unmotivated, etc...there's no cognitive aspect of it that I can put my finger on. I did CBT therapy for about a year and continue to work with someone when I need it, and I have broken through a lot of stuff. The anxiety is another story, and I am finding some success in the relaxation exercises my therapists taught me and just breathing and taking actions where I can and letting go what I can. Amen to getting outside and taking a walk! But I don't want to take any chances, and I owe it to my loves and my colleagues to take care of myself. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

05-27-2010, 05:52 PM	#102 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	I have spent most of my life depressed. I am having serious anger issues to the point my wife (the kids step-mom)has decided to leave and take my children with her. I think she's doing the right thing. I haven't become physically abusive...yet. I have said some some pretty mean things to my kids (14 and 16) when angry that are simply not ok. Suicidal thoughts? Yeah in a big way. I'm sitting here with a loaded handgun. The only thing stopping me is that I know it means a life of total mental anguish for my kids. My wife begged me to go get help. I don't want to. I no longer want face the day to day struggles. I just want it all to be over. I left the house as she was calling the sheriffs office. They just called my cell and left a voice mail. I'm tired. I'm to scared to pull the trigger, but I really do believe that in the long run that's what's best for everybody. I don't think I have it in me to pull myself back up, and I can't think of any reason I would want to.

05-27-2010, 06:17 PM	#103 (permalink)
ring ░ Location: ❤	Hello! Talk to us please.

05-27-2010, 06:26 PM	#104 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	I'm here. I don't want to live, I'm not sure I want to die. If I really wanted to die, I would be dead. I have the means to do it. I'm tired, I can't shut off my brain. I've lost everything that really mattered. I don't what else to do...I just don't want to hurt anymore.

05-27-2010, 06:32 PM	#105 (permalink)
ring ░ Location: ❤	Yes, you want to live, but like you said, you are in terrible pain, and very tired. Please make a phone call. It had a very difficult time dialing 911 when I was in trouble, but I did it, and it wasn't scary, I felt safe then. Please call. They will help you to shut off the brain for awhile. It works, please give them your trust.

05-27-2010, 06:37 PM	#106 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	This is the number for the suicide prevention lifeline in the US 1-800-273-8255. Put the gun down and call them now, you need to talk to someone because you obviously don't really want to do this. If you did, you would have done it instead of asking us for help. Whatever made you pause and think "I should tell TFP about this" instead of just doing it is what you need to focus on right now because it's what matters to you. I'll bet it's your wife and kids. You care about them and you're angry at yourself for hurting them. I can tell you right now from losing a friend that even if it's the easy way out for you or you think it's the only way out, suicide is the easiest way to hurt those who care about you to the greatest degree possible. If you've been here for any amount of time (and I'd imagine you have been since you're coming to us for help) you know that I'm a loud, obnoxious, sarcastic tough guy, but right now, ten years after losing my friend Adam, I can't hold back the tears thinking about it. If that's how I'm reacting a decade later, imagine what his family goes through. You're at this low point in your life because you're so upset that you hurt people you love to the point that they left. If you can't put the gun down and ask for help for your own sake, do so because you can't bear to hurt the people you love, and who love you, any more.

05-27-2010, 07:00 PM	#107 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	The gun is down, suicide is off the table....for now. I still don't really want to live, but I don't believe that death is the best option for everyone concerned. This is a really shitty place to be... I've been around TFP for a number of years. This is the safest place I could turn. Thank you guys....seriously, thank you.

05-27-2010, 07:01 PM	#108 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	Beat me to it be a few seconds. That's a relief. I'm glad we were able to be here for you. I don't like that "for now" part, though. If you start thinking about it again and we're not here to help talk you out of it, think about these two less=than-pleasant things: first, among people who have survived suicide attempts by jumping, almost all of them had a moment of clarity while falling and regretted jumping; second, only half of people who try to kill themselves with a gun succeed. The rest wake up in a hospital in disbelief that they ended up worse off than they were before pulling the trigger. I'm no statistician, but trying to fix things the hard way sounds a lot more appealing than either of those options. Last edited by MSD; 05-27-2010 at 07:14 PM..

05-27-2010, 07:08 PM	#109 (permalink)
ring ░ Location: ❤	I'm very relieved to know the gun is down. Are you still online? If you want to talk a bit, I & others are here to listen.

05-27-2010, 07:12 PM	#110 (permalink)
dlish Currently sour but formerly Dlishs Super Moderator Location: Australia/UAE	You obviously need an outlet and need to let someone know. Thank you for putting that trust in TFP. But as much as we can help, your call for help would be better handled if you would talk to a proffessional who would be able to give you the support that you need. as concerned members of TFP, we do hope that you can work through this. __________________ An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy

05-27-2010, 07:18 PM	#111 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	I am still here. I am as ok I'm going to be. I have spent a long time (30+ years) dealing with depression mostly on my own. I did spend over a year in an inpatient drug rehab that involved 12-14 hours of therapy/day. I haven't used in a very long time 10+ years), and I don't really drink, so substance abuse is not an issue. I am just ready to explode. I am out of control. I don't want to go get help. I don't see a way out of the cycle I'm in.

05-27-2010, 07:27 PM	#112 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	let me be clear... I appreciate you guys, more than I could possibly express. I mean that. I loath therapy. I want nothing to do with counseling. I've had more counseling than any 3 people should have to endure. I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm not trying to push you guys away. I don't know what I want. I can't live the way I am, I can't leave my kids the issues that come with their Dad killing himself. Their mother abandoned them when they were very young. I can't leave the world by my own hands, they deserve better than I can give them, but that doesn't make it ok for me to hurt them like that.

05-27-2010, 07:39 PM	#114 (permalink)
ring ░ Location: ❤	That's a rough place to be in. You don't have to figure everything out tonight. I too, have mixed feelings about therapy, but, I remember how much the counselors cared, and all the good tools they gave me to help deal with stress & anguish. Please at least call one hot-line person tonight, okay?

05-27-2010, 07:54 PM	#116 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	I won't promise that I'll the call hotline tonight. Mainly because I probably won't do it. I will promise this: At least for tonight, if I, once again, find myself seriously considering suicide, I will do one of two things. I will either call the hotline, or I will go to the hospital and tell them what I am thinking. I'm currently in my office at work. I need to go home and go to bed. I have a long day at work ahead of me tomorrow. I have a cold, and seriously need some rest. I doubt I'll sleep tonight. I'm leaving for home now. I will post at some point later, if only to say I'm ok. I'm pretty sure my wife will still be at the house, so I'm sure we'll have a lengthy discussion.

05-27-2010, 07:58 PM	#117 (permalink)
ring ░ Location: ❤	Yes, good. Please stay in touch, and rest well.

05-27-2010, 08:36 PM	#118 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	I'm home. Wife and kids are not. I saw my wife getting gas as I passed a gas station on my home. I know she saw me as well. I'd be surprised if a couple of deputy's from the Sheriff's Office don't show up at the door soon. I should probably return the deputy's call, at least to let them know I'm ok and going to bed, so I don't get annoyed by them showing up here. Again, I am deeply grateful that I had somewhere to turn, and you guys were there. I don't know where life is going to take me, and I'm not positive I'll go along willingly, but at least for tonight, I'll go along.

05-28-2010, 04:25 AM	#119 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Please seek some help...you can't pull yourself out of this pit alone. I know you said you loathe therapists, but they are there to help you. Remember, right now in the story of your life you are an UNRELIABLE NARRATOR. Depression distorts your perception of reality, as you well know. You cannot right now trust your feelings. The fact that you can still think of your kids and your wife and your job is hopeful. So grab that piece of hope and listen to us: pick up the damn phone and let someone else help you. There's something on the other side of this, and you just can't see it. Trust us that it's there. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

05-28-2010, 06:39 AM	#120 (permalink)
cj2112 Unbelievable Location: Grants Pass OR	OK...enough hiding behind some mask... I spoke with both my immediate supervisor (who I'm fortunate enough to call a friend) and my wife last night. I made a commitment to go to the hospital today. I still want to die, I just can't do that to the kids. Having some form of a moral compass is both a blessing and a curse. I'm afraid for my children, I'm afraid for my wife. I'm scared that I am so close to the edge that the next time I explode I won't be able to stop myself. The last few days have scared the shit out me. I'm losing my mind, I'm rapidly losing what little control I have over myself. My wife and children are terrified to be in the same building as me, and I think they should be afraid. I don't see anything on the other side. I know there must be, because I know that not everyone feels this way.