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Please seek some help...you can't pull yourself out of this pit alone. I know you said you loathe therapists, but they are there to help you.
Remember, right now in the story of your life you are an UNRELIABLE NARRATOR. Depression distorts your perception of reality, as you well know. You cannot right now trust your feelings. The fact that you can still think of your kids and your wife and your job is hopeful. So grab that piece of hope and listen to us: pick up the damn phone and let someone else help you. There's something on the other side of this, and you just can't see it. Trust us that it's there.
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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
- Anatole France
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