Anxiety, depression & addiction... oh my! The mental illness thread.

[MrFriendly]

Hello darkness my old friend.

Depression and I know each other well. It's a sickening darkness that turns me against people, and turns me against myself. But always, no matter how dark it got, no matter how far I fell down, I never gave up hope that things would get better, that life would get better, that i would get better.

It took me a long time to get where I am in dealing with it. The doctors I saw over the years were never much help. So I took ultimate responsibility for my own happiness. I've found ways and I've grown enough to manage my depression and many of my issues. I blame no one but myself for my flaws. I blame no one else for the things in my life that I'm not happy with.

I still get hit with seasonal depression, paranoia, and insomnia. I still have bad days. I still make awful choices, still fuck up. I'm just much better and realising it all for what it is, accepting that reality, and dealing with it.

I think the biggest catch 22 in my life has been drugs. Weed especially. I think the years of punishment I dished out to my body and mind with booze and drugs is a big factor in why my dark side rears its ugly head. But shit, that phase in my life played such a major role in making me me. In a good way too. The experiences I had during that time in my life are some of my fondest. But a price was paid for it, and that price made me wiser. However, I was oh so lucky.

Some of the dearest people to me payed a very steep price for those fun times. Thinking about this makes me tear up, because those people really are lost too me now. A beautiful mind is a horrible thing to go to waste. Put we all made that choice, we all took that risk. One way or another folks, you're made to pay, unfortunately, there's just some debts you'll never reconcile.

I steer clear of drugs these days, even weed. But you better believe it, I love to drink. I keep fit through riding, I eat alright, and I gave up smoking. At the moment I'm healthy, but I do drink, I do need that one vice. But it goes hand in hand with my creative outlets. Writing is something I have to make sense of anything going on in my mind, and it's something I have to really help with my small bouts of depression. A lil alcohol really helps. I try very hard to keep it in check, and if I can't I deal with the issue that's driving me to drink too much then I deal with that issue.

Mental illness and drug addiction is very close to me. People very dear to me have fallen victim to it, and even more people that I let close to me have been affected by it. I don't think enough people understand it, I don't think enough people are aware of it or even know it's happening to them.

But having said that, you should never use your illness as an excuse for anything. We ultimately responsible for our own lives and actions, blaming it on someone or something else will never change that fact.

[wooÐs]

Originally Posted by Daniel_

getting up while it's still dark really badly plays with my mood...

This is so common, yet with me it's the complete opposite. I get sad when waking up and it's sunny. Miserable even. But once the sun goes down, it's like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. I can then relax. I know I'll get no unexpected visitors, no phone calls, I don't have to go anywhere, etc. Me-time lol. I believe the pros call this 'isolation.' :/

Thank you for posting

Originally Posted by MrFriendly

Hello darkness my old friend...
I think the biggest catch 22 in my life has been drugs. Weed especially. I think the years of punishment I dished out to my body and mind with booze and drugs is a big factor in why my dark side rears its ugly head. But shit, that phase in my life played such a major role in making me me. In a good way too. The experiences I had during that time in my life are some of my fondest. But a price was paid for it, and that price made me wiser. However, I was oh so lucky.

I think I know what you're saying here. I spent my worst years addicted during my early-mid 20's. SUCH developmental years for any young adult. I did horrible things. Things I wouldn't dream of doing today. Things that I couldn't get away with today if I tried, simply because I'm not the young, solid, vibrant bombshell I was back then. It was during these years when I really practiced the art of manipulation. I'm still a pro if I choose to tap into it.

I also feel it was this period that instilled in me an artificial charm many mistake for sincerity irl. Then there's my callous sense of humor. You either 'get me' or you don't. As long as I'm entertained, I usually don't care what anyone thinks lol.

I steer clear of drugs these days, even weed. But you better believe it, I love to drink.

Such a shameful thing for an addict to say, but I truly believe we all need something. Food, cigarettes, benzos, exercise - whatever. We all need a sort of crutch and / or outlet. As my Theo Tom used to say, 'Everdytheng in moderation!' *shakes finger*

Mental illness and drug addiction is very close to me. People very dear to me have fallen victim to it, and even more people that I let close to me have been affected by it. I don't think enough people understand it, I don't think enough people are aware of it or even know it's happening to them.

I'm with you on all counts but something that sickens me is how diagnoses are so easily stamped on peoples' heads like they're graded eggs. It's almost like nowadays, if you're not on some sort of head med, you're just a nobody. This almost discounts those of us with actual problems in need of professional treatment. Similar to emo punk ass cutters who do it for the 'art of attention.' /rant

Thanks for posting.

[seamaiden]

I don't differentiate between mental illness and an abnormal physical condition. In both situations there's something wrong with the machine. Ya...some people will see you as weaker if they know you have issues, but the reality of having to deal with them, I think, is empowering. Unless, of course, you give up on yourself. I've lived with low self esteem for over half a century. I don't take drugs for it, I don't see a counselor, I don't think people who do are weak...they are making an effort to make things right for themselves. Hey, whatever works for you is great. I have bad days that follow on the heals of awesome days...wtf? I have a good cry, give my head a shake, take a look at how much better my life is than others around me, and get over the pity party. Yes...it keeps happening, but the bad times make the good times so much better!

[jimk]

Originally Posted by MrFriendly

I But having said that, you should never use your illness as an excuse for anything. We ultimately responsible for our own lives and actions, blaming it on someone or something else will never change that fact.

I think this is closer to what I meant to say..........

I didn't mean to convey that some people don't need more help, chemical or otherwise. It's just that blaming someone or something else & not doing anything about it is a way of giving up.

[Ourcrazymodern?]

I drink too much, & as pedestrian as that might sound, I still drive quite a bit. I don't go to doctor's for cocktails, or even diagnoses. My merriness is as much in my nature as in my circumstances. If this seems not too compassionate, I'm sure we can help ourselves more than we can help anyone else, & I am not talking capitalism, nor its offspring more perverted.

Our preconceptions mislead us often. Our misconceptions can't fail to do so. I hope this won't belittle anyone's suffering, but I think thinking harder about how & what we think works wonders impossible for chemicals.

[rahl]

This is in no way directed at anyone here, but i believe there is a very large number of people who are on medication for mental illness that have no business being on them. It's like the proffesionals are looking for a quick fix to make a person feel better. I know there are many people who have brain chemistry issues, and therefore need the meds, I'm all for that. For me personally, when I was in highschool my mother thought I was depressed. My parents were divorced when I was 5. She took me to a therapist who before even talking to me prescribed me prozac. I took it for about 2 months. I had weekly sessions with her insisting that I was not depressed, and I complained that I just did not feel right on prozac. I felt like a shell of myself. he said don't worry about it keep taking it. After the 2 months I refused to take another pill. In my view I was not depressed. I think my mother just felt guilty for some reason. I've never been one to let things bother me too much. If I have problems in my life(and there have been plenty) I deal with them the best way I can. Put one foot in front of the other so to speak. Thats just the way I am. I know it doesn't work for everyone though

[wooÐs]

Originally Posted by Ourcrazymodern?

I drink too much, & as pedestrian as that might sound, I still drive quite a bit. I don't go to doctor's for cocktails, or even diagnoses. My merriness is as much in my nature as in my circumstances. If this seems not too compassionate, I'm sure we can help ourselves more than we can help anyone else, & I am not talking capitalism, nor its offspring more perverted.

Our preconceptions mislead us often. Our misconceptions can't fail to do so. I hope this won't belittle anyone's suffering, but I think thinking harder about how & what we think works wonders impossible for chemicals.

Well you posted in the thread, so that tells me you're aware of the fact you have a problem. And the driving part is just too much - give me your keys. :/

Ty for posting .

Originally Posted by rahl

This is in no way directed at anyone here, but i believe there is a very large number of people who are on medication for mental illness that have no business being on them. It's like the proffesionals are looking for a quick fix to make a person feel better. I know there are many people who have brain chemistry issues, and therefore need the meds, I'm all for that. For me personally, when I was in highschool my mother thought I was depressed. My parents were divorced when I was 5. She took me to a therapist who before even talking to me prescribed me prozac. I took it for about 2 months. I had weekly sessions with her insisting that I was not depressed, and I complained that I just did not feel right on prozac. I felt like a shell of myself. he said don't worry about it keep taking it. After the 2 months I refused to take another pill. In my view I was not depressed. I think my mother just felt guilty for some reason. I've never been one to let things bother me too much. If I have problems in my life(and there have been plenty) I deal with them the best way I can. Put one foot in front of the other so to speak. Thats just the way I am. I know it doesn't work for everyone though

I'm with you. Bipolar disorder and ADD / ADHD - bet everyone here knows someone who supposedly has one or the other... or both ffs lol. And kids with some 'illness' all too often just need a swift kick in the ass imho.

This isn't to say someone having problems isn't really having them. But I feel therapy should be the very first course of action other than medication. If something more is needed, the therapist / psychologist always has a back-up network of doctors to refer the patient to.

[thespian86]

I'm bi-polar. It is what it is.

[wooÐs]

I don't think I've seen you around in a while. Nice to see you post.

[Daniel_]

Well, I seem much better this week than last - hopefully that's a combination of the self awareness and the hypericum.

[thespian86]

Originally Posted by wooÐs

I don't think I've seen you around in a while. Nice to see you post.

Thank you. I'll expand:

I have a serious distaste for all things PC; so please see this every way but the whole 'everyone is special' or 'no one is different' school of thought.

Mental illness is like anything else. Everyone has their problems. Each problem is hard in their own way. People who have never experienced waking up feeling like a monstrosity, or staring in a mirror and having your head swim, or acting obsessively out of a current state of mind. Losing it is hard.

It's all an issue of perspective. My step-father will never understand how difficult it is because he has never experienced something that complex. But his peak of discomfort is just as important as mine. Even though his might seem small to me, he doesn't understand how I gauge. So I don't resent him for being unaware. And I certainly wouldn't wish this on him.

i try not to let it limit me, and when it does i make sure not to let it dissolve anything i built for myself.

[lostgirl]

I get really depressed sometimes, but I can easily solve it by popping a Wellbutrin just one day.

[wooÐs]

Originally Posted by Daniel_

Well, I seem much better this week than last - hopefully that's a combination of the self awareness and the hypericum.

yay!

Originally Posted by thespian86

Thank you. I'll expand:

I have a serious distaste for all things PC; so please see this every way but the whole 'everyone is special' or 'no one is different' school of thought.

Mental illness is like anything else. Everyone has their problems. Each problem is hard in their own way. People who have never experienced waking up feeling like a monstrosity, or staring in a mirror and having your head swim, or acting obsessively out of a current state of mind. Losing it is hard.

It's all an issue of perspective. My step-father will never understand how difficult it is because he has never experienced something that complex. But his peak of discomfort is just as important as mine. Even though his might seem small to me, he doesn't understand how I gauge. So I don't resent him for being unaware. And I certainly wouldn't wish this on him.

i try not to let it limit me, and when it does i make sure not to let it dissolve anything i built for myself.

Well I hope he doesn't resent you for what you have going on. That would very much suck.

Originally Posted by lostgirl

I get really depressed sometimes, but I can easily solve it by popping a Wellbutrin just one day.

Do you smoke?
I take Wellbutrin, which is supposed to be an aid for quitting smoking as well as an antidepressant, but still have no problems lighting up. I've come across a few others who are the same way.

[lostgirl]

I used to smoke one clove a week, but Obama put an end to that. Now I don't smoke at all. I never did like smoking. When I was younger and smoked pot, I didn't see the point of smoking something that didn't get you high.

Are you using extended release Wellbutrin? I have had friends who stopped smoking with the help of Wellbutrin XL.

[wooÐs]

Yeah I'm on the XL. But I've been on it for years.

What I probably should have done is when I first started taking it, make strides to quit at the same time. I'll get there someday.

[lostgirl]

I know it's really hard for most people. I have heard great things about Chantix, maybe that would help.

Good luck!

[wooÐs]

ty!

[Raghnar -ITA-]

It think is starting again my anxiety. I hope that is only an episodic thing but tonight I felt like I've never felt since 6 months, more or less, that is bad.

The last month also the Migraine has popped up again (and there was quite time till I had the last strong one), and I cought myself bruxing even in plain day even if not working or relaxing out...

Maybe just too pressure, maybe not.
I know that writing makes me feel better.

bye

[wooÐs]

Sorry to hear that Raghnar. Maybe it is just a passing thing. Hope so anyways.

I'm not sure, but I think I'm getting slapped around by the seasonal depression thing. Lately, it's been cold and rainy here, which I actually LOVE. And of course, it's getting dark early which I also love. But I've been told by docs you can't always control the head thing. It'll pass on it's own - I don't need any med adjustments or anything. But it's like I just feel worn out. Want to curl up under a blanket and sleep all the time, etc. And I can because I'm unemployed, which surely isn't helping things.

k, done

[crystalan]

I may not have it as bad as most people, but I am incredibly shy for my age, have to force myself to talk with people. That causes anxiety, which leads to depression and it's a vicious cycle. It's gotten a little better as I've gotten older, but it's still there. Don't really take meds for it, though. Not ever clinically depressed, just comes & goes.

There is also a history (not w/me) in my family of sexual abuse and I think, for whatever reason, me being too sensitive for my own good, I picked up on it and has done some damage.

And there is history of depression and alcoholism in my family. I was an alcoholic and quit cold turkey about 1 1/2 yrs. ago, after I very much embarrassed myself in front of my ex-boyfriend's family. No AA, just did it on my own. And now, because of that, it inhibits my social life, I think you can all relate maybe a bit to that.

[ZombieSquirrel]

I take an interferon as treatment for my Multiple Sclerosis and one of the side effects is "depression," specifically suicidal thoughts. I have been through my fair share of terrible life events that would cause anyone to crawl into a dark hole and cry, but I would never say I was depressed. The interferon DEFINITELY caused some "mental" side effects. I was terribly bitchy ALL the time, which is far from my shining personality. I also had suicidal thoughts. My neurologist said I was probably depressed as depression manifests in all sorts of ways...even extreme bitchiness. (That was the medical term he used.) He wanted me to take something for it. I took the prescription, but never took it to the pharmacy.

I already take enough drugs as it is, I didn't want to add one more to the list. So I'm just dealing with it on my own. When I want to punch someone in the eye...or if I feel like I want to kill myself, i just tell myself it's the betaseron talking and I take a step back. The extreme bitchiness and suicidal thought have been very mild because of that approach.

[Dano069]

I am manic-depressive. It went undiagnosed for a very long time. I finally got on meds back in 2000, thanks in a very large part to my wife. I currently take Zoloft. I'm up to 150 MG a day and it seems to be working well. I've had my dose upgraded twice, from 100 to 125 and then from 125 to 150. It works for me. Some other folks I've talked to swear it made them more depressed. You have to find a med that works for you. I was lucky, first med worked for me.

EDIT: Damn, I forgot to say that in addition to the meds, I have a blog that I use to get the shit out of my head. I talk about suicide and death, but as more of a release than as an option. I attempted suicide once but failed miserably and no one knew about it. I honestly believe I'm here now because I committed suicide in my previous life. The urge to to it was so strong at times, it just seemed like I'd been there before. Now, if I could just get back into exercising and working out. Oh, I do meditation as well. It helps.

[wooÐs]

Originally Posted by ZombieSquirrel

When I want to punch someone in the eye...or if I feel like I want to kill myself, i just tell myself it's the betaseron talking and I take a step back. The extreme bitchiness and suicidal thought have been very mild because of that approach.

I do believe it's a matter of training your brain, which is why I feel therapy is so important. Some can do it easier than others. I have overcome my mouth quite a bit. When I'm pissed off, I'm not quiet about it. If I feel you're a dumbass, I'm not quiet about it. I don't care who the fuck you are. This cost me jobs in my past unfortunately lol. But I've gotten a lot better over the past 7 years or so.

Originally Posted by Dano069

EDIT: Damn, I forgot to say that in addition to the meds, I have a blog that I use to get the shit out of my head. I talk about suicide and death, but as more of a release than as an option. I attempted suicide once but failed miserably and no one knew about it. I honestly believe I'm here now because I committed suicide in my previous life. The urge to to it was so strong at times, it just seemed like I'd been there before. Now, if I could just get back into exercising and working out. Oh, I do meditation as well. It helps.

I just can't get into this whole blogging thing. It's like a diary that's public for all to read. If I have something to say, I'll post it on a forum or something. But I'm not going to make regular journal entries for folks to study me by. "Paranoia...the Destroyer..."

Meditation is a big part of my life. Only problem is making time for it and getting in the frame of mind for it on those days it doesn't seem doable.

[ZombieSquirrel]

Originally Posted by wooÐs

I just can't get into this whole blogging thing. It's like a diary that's public for all to read. If I have something to say, I'll post it on a forum or something. But I'm not going to make regular journal entries for folks to study me by. "Paranoia...the Destroyer..."

Writing is very therapeutic. You can simply just write in a journal or you can set up a blog that is totally private.

[wooÐs]

I definitely won't argue with that. I have a journal collection of gorgeous books I've picked up in various bookstores and such. I always intend to start writing in this new one. No maybe that one. I love them and the idea behind them. But I just can't bring myself to write again. If I knew they'd definitely be private from anyone's eyes, then I'm sure it'd be easier for me. It's just the thought of doing it publicly that weirds me out.

[Raghnar -ITA-]

Ok, then in the next days we'll se if I must worry again about my phsychiatric condition or not.
The crumbled me down my steps in just one day, let's see how it is in the next days. Now I feel very depressed, but this is kinda normal (I think), it won't be normal if it will last two years like the other time...

Bye.

[ametc]

I've been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and major depression.

I'm a cutter and have dealt with doing drugs and sleeping with strangers as a 'way out'. But, nothing ever seemed to help me as much as cutting did.

I started cutting when I was 12/13 and my parents found out when I was 14 (my therapist blurted it out during a family session.. when she wasn't supposed to).

I have suffered from depersonalization, trances, panic attacks, and severe mood swings.

I have taken tons of different kinds of medicine (mostly because my psychiatrist didn't believe in psychic powers or ghosts and thought that my fidgeting on the couch was ADHD). There's too much to list.. some I don't even remember taking but I have bottles of. :P

BUT, let me tell you: NEVER...EVER...take Seroquel. I went from a slightly fluffy 140 lbs to a whopping 220 lbs in about a year and a half. My diet had not changed. Also, while taking Seroquel (and after I stopped taking it), I was unable to menstruate for 13 months (until I started taking BCP).

Ambien has put me into such deep trances that one time I performed a little surgery on myself. I opened myself up with a razor and sewed myself back up. It wasn't very large, but it was about two inches deep and when I awoke from the trance, I found bloodied towels and napkins and cotton balls everywhere. I have a very faint memory of the whole thing but I think I was trying to take out what I thought was a tumor. I still have the scar from it, too. >_< I've done crazy ass things while on Ambien. My sister caught me in the hallway a few times just sitting there staring into space for an hour or two. I dislike ambien.. BUT.. I have found that if I take 5 mg instead of 10 mg.. it puts me to sleep instead of a trance.

I took 225 mg of Effexor with a medley of other drugs for about 6 years until recently when I started taking Lexapro, but the side effects of Lexapro affected my heart real bad. So, now I'm taking Celexa and Abilify. Not too many problems with it so far.

I have been hospitalized after a suicide attempt 3 times. I was treated for my addictions this year, and it's actually really helped a lot. I still feel the urge to cut myself when I'm under lots of stress.. but I'm now able to allow myself to sit down and breathe. !

I went through a phase where I was bulimic. But, I was never treated for it.

I don't want to sound like my life is so woeful.. because it isn't. Some parts suck ass... but overall, I have a normal enough life. My depression can come out of nowhere. I can try to control it through different methods... but sometimes it'll pop up with a panic attack, a trance, or depersonalization. Depersonalization is the worst, imo.

I get so peeved when somebody doesn't understand what depression or mental illnesses are like.

To them... if the person is an addict "they need to quit cold turkey!" if the person is depressed "they need to get over themselves and realize other people have it worse" if the person hears voices "they need to be put into a mental institution"

They don't understand the concept of mental ILLNESS. They assume it's either something we're doing to ourselves ("for attention") or something we should be locked up for.

Also, having to receive psychiatric help is still considered taboo and "only for crazy people".

These misconceptions need to end and the truth needs to get out there.

[Raghnar -ITA-]

Originally Posted by ametc

They don't understand the concept of mental ILLNESS. They assume it's either something we're doing to ourselves ("for attention") or something we should be locked up for.

That's true.
No-one that doesn't suffered or that isn't a physcotherapist EVER understand what a mental illness actually IS.
Even very acculturated people, Ph.Ds M.Sc things like that everytime I talk it with someone that haven't suffered always says this silly thing.

Usually my answer is "Have you ever considered what an ILLNESS is? Is not something you are responsible for if not for some contigent way" usually the answer is "So if you're mental ill then you should go to a mental hospital" then the final response "you ever go to the hospital when you got flu? usually you go to a normal doctor before..."

No-one really understands but usually agree shocked and realize to have said something stupid.

PS: My condition is pretty good. I've hold up for now! A little sad but nothing to worry about, IMHO..

[wooÐs]

I'd like to request that more people consider contributing to this thread lol. Feel free to use the anonymous option if you'd feel more comfortable.

[GreyWolf]

Originally Posted by crystalan

And there is history of depression and alcoholism in my family. I was an alcoholic and quit cold turkey about 1 1/2 yrs. ago, after I very much embarrassed myself in front of my ex-boyfriend's family. No AA, just did it on my own. And now, because of that, it inhibits my social life, I think you can all relate maybe a bit to that.

Good for you... as an alcoholic with 27+ years of sobriety, I salute you. I did the same thing. It does get easier, but never easy. If you ever do need help, AA DOES work. I've been to 1 meeting in my life, and I KNOW from that one experience that if I needed support, I could find it there.

In the general vain of this thread I have a couple of thoughts. About some people's complaint of over-medicating mental illness... that's pretty much a $$$ issue. Drug companies make money from the sale of drugs, and if no one has the illness they've made the drug for, then they make no money.

The solution for the drug companies is to have more people diagnosed with the illness. Or a creative way of marketing the drug. A real example (not in mental illness, but still indicative) is for the artificial Human Growth Hormone, targeted at children with treatable forms of dwarfism or other genetic abnormalities that restricted their physical growth. It was directed towards the bottom 10% of children in terms of height. Neat, huh? No matter how tall the population gets, the market is still 10% of the population. By extension, target your mood enhancing drug to the unhappiest 10% of the population, and you can NEVER cure unhappiness.

Secondly, I'm not suggesting that there aren't legitimate needs for drugs... there definitely are. I have a wife who suffered from clinical depression and a friend who slowly sank into the miasma of his own schizoid mind. He is now essentially non-functional. There are people who need and prosper on drug therapy, and need the support of family & friends to understand the "invisible" nature of their problem.

We'd open the door for someone in a wheelchair. Why won't we spend 5-10 minutes to support a friend with a personality disorder?

[wooÐs]

I have a serious problem with painkillers.

:tips hat - runs off:

It's been getting progressively worse over the past 3 years. I've lost a couple friends over it. I'm starting to do some ridiculous, manipulative shit to get them in my hands.

Like I said, I have a problem. :-|

[crystalan]

Thank you GreyWolf. It was and still is a challenge because everyone around me, especially my boyfriend likes to socially drink. And even though they respect me and encourage my quitting, I still get down about it because he goes out and drinks with his friends while I'm at home. And I had friends just because of drinking and so I've lost that social connection, even though they weren't maybe 'real friends', it was something to do on the weekend nights. And now, I feel a little left out and alone. I want to pick up a hobby to replace it, just don't know what yet. (Thought about swing dancing.)

Anyways, very appreciative of your acknowledgement.

[Anonymous Member]

It was about 10 years ago when I self-diagnosed myself with depression. I once had a physician agree with me, but it was at a walk-in clinic. I've had four or five sessions with a psychologist before my university health coverage ran out. It was there that I uncovered my issues of neglect in childhood, and a confirmation that I was a victim of a severely emotionally abusive relationship. My primary problem is guilt. I feel completely guilty whenever I do something for myself. Yet I only occaisionally think enough to do something out of the ordinary for others. One of the biggest problems with victims of emotional abuse, is that they come out of it with no sense of self. Maybe that's the problem.

I've done little to do anything about it. By now this state seems who I am. I've tried self-medicating with supplements to little effect. I'm still uncertain how severe this is. I don't have suicidal thoughts but I occasionally have obsessive fears of dying. Sometimes it's a fear of having cancer, sometimes is when I'm traveling.

I don't have much of a problem with anxiety. I do exercise so my stress is mostly under control. But I do get anxiety when it comes to any sort of change...good or bad. Even if any kind of change would help me, I still choose not to do it. My default choice is to do nothing. I have issues with my job and with my finances. My relationship is stable but not what it should be. I feel like I'm going nowhere and I have nothing to look forward to.

I read in a book about depression that my type of depression is "unfocused". I have trouble concentrating, getting motivated, and generally feel foggy. I have problems enjoying things that would normally interest me. I am reluctant to communicate with people and I feel apprehensive about social situations. I seldom feel good about myself, and when i do it's shortlived. I often feel completely incapable of offering anything of value to the world. I have trouble feeling happy about other people's successes even if I care about them. I'm too self-absorbed. It's as though I'm in a constant self-preservation mode.

There are days when I've barely been outside. I am impulsive and compulsive...wasting time on things that give me little satisfaction. I'm absentminded. I have mild OCD when it comes to such things as leaving the house and double or triple checking everything.

Again, this is all self-diagnosed,...so yeah.... I'm not sure if an antidepressant would even work. But that's fine, I'm afraid to take them.

[Daniel_]

Damn - I know I didn't write that, but appart from the stuff about insurance, that's me six years ago wrapped up in a box and tied up with a bow.

For me it took a monumental crisis (divorce) to precipitate action on my part, and really that was only after a week of staring at the wall. Long story short, I got help (medical and counseling) and learned to recognise triggers, learned to recognise my own mental state, and learned that I could be better by deciding to take the steps that let others help me be better.

As with all forms of self-change (giving up smoking, controlling my misuse of alcohol, and so on) the answer for me was to begin with an admission that the only person who could change me or be held accountable for me was me. I am the way I am because I am the way I am...

As the story goes, when the King asked the Philosopher for a spell that could bring him down to earth when he was self-important, and lift him up when he was depressed, the Philosopher gave the king a ring engraved "remember, this too will pass".

[Starkizzer]

I would say up until five years or so back I would have bouts of depression where at least once a month I would sit in my room and cry. It would last hours and after it was done I would be okay. A few years into dating im2smrt4u I started getting violently angry with him accompanied by self hate and utter sadness. Why was I lashing out at the one I loved so much? That I can't really answer, but what I can tell you is the cause for it all.

I had never dealt with the fact that my brother (who is 5 years older) abused and molested me. He was/is (as far as I know) a horrible human being. He lied at every chance he could and he was a sneaky malicious person. He made me feel worthless and horrible about myself. I felt unworthy of love, which is most likely why I was pushing smrt away.

One night after an epic battle between the two of us and me thinking he was leaving for good (he had stormed out to his car), I promised to go get help if only he would stay. He later told me he wasn't leaving me just had to get away to stay calm at that moment.

I went and had some therapy and I started feeling better. I also told my parents and some time later the rest of my family. I admit I still can get sad if we fight and I have my rare moments where I regress and feel like shit about myself. I know that it is possible for the problems to come to surface again in the future and I will deal with that when I have to.

All in all though I am a very happy person. Most of my close friends who know my story (there is more to it) wonder how I can stay so positive. I figure no point living in the past and what has happened has made me who I am today and I like that person. I am stronger for what has happened.

[Shell]

Starkizzer, I feel for you as you've been through so much, but you made some excellent choices in your journey...asking for help and building a support system of friends and family. You can pat yourself on the back now for your positive growth. You are now stronger than ever and have the strength and knowledge to help others in similar situations. Onward and upward.

...for you

[pan6467]

I've just skimmed over the thread and thought I'd add a little something from an addictions counseling viewpoint.

Reading the OP it sounds like you had self medicated and I am very happy you have hopefully found a combination of prescribed drugs that help you. I'm a firm believer that prescriptions are a band aid and that open honest therapy is needed to help combat depression or any mental illness. I think our bodies adjust to meds and unless we deal with the issues that trigger us and finding better coping skills we will never get "better".

Just be careful that when you start feeling better you don't fall into the trap many do and believe you don't need the meds anymore and stop taking them without a dr's knowledge. Many people do this and it turns out bad for them.

I know some of the pills you listed do have a half life in the body and a detox illness would most likely occur.

Just be aware.

My mom suffers from severe depression and borderline personality. She's also an alcoholic who won't stop drinking so her liver is shot. Dhe's been on almost all the Benzos, Depakote, and so on. For her, they work awhile then stop and she has to find a new combination. Part of it I am sure is her drinking, part is bodies adjust to the meds and part is mental. She doesn't take care of the mental portion, thinking that pills, electroshock therapy, etc will do it all for her. Thus she doesn't get better in the long term. I think that is a severe problem not just for her but for the whole psychiatric field as a whole. Why flesh out pain and deal with issues that hurt when you can pop a pill and feel "better" for awhile?

It is probably in your best interest to either find an alternative to Benzos (Xanax, Restoril, Klonopin, Valium, Tranxene, Valium, Ativan and so on) or take them very very rarely. They are highly addictive and like any addictive drug you make think you are ok taking maybe 1 a week but then find you need 2,3,4 a week and then maybe 2 at a time and so on. Benzos are highly addictive and for otherwise healthy people the only drug other than alcohol you can die from if you stop cold turkey after even a short period of regular daily use.

Never be afraid to ask a doctor what the meds will do, how they interact with each other, what kind of withdrawal you will have and so on. It is your life and your body, you should know what is going in and what it is supposed to do.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents hope it helps.

[wooÐs]

*sigh* lol

Originally Posted by Starkizzer

I had never dealt with the fact that my brother (who is 5 years older) abused and molested me.

Was going to pm you instead of post, but I'd be going against my grain if I did.

I thought I touched on this somewhere on the forum, but can't find where. Maybe I'm wrong.

Star - my brother, who's also 5 years older, molested / raped me several times around the age of 10. He was also physically abusive. I didn't come out about it until I was 28. No one believed me, as I was strung out on cocaine.

Growing up, my brother was my 3rd parent. My parents always went to him asking how they should handle me, as I was a rebellious shit. I hated him so much for what he did to me, and I sure as hell knew I couldn't tell my parents about what happened - they wouldn't believe me - he's the star kid of the family.

I haven't truly started working on this issue until a little over a year ago, when I started seeing my therapist. It's amazing how a lot of my behaviors or actions relate to the abuse.

I could go on and on, but I'm getting uncomfortable. Today, brother's been out of the family for about 2 years now. Parents finally believe me. And they hate him not only for what he did, but for his egotistical, selfish self. He really is such a fucking ass. A sick, drunk, fucking ass.

I don't know what more to say. I know where you're at, I guess.

Originally Posted by pan6467

Just be careful that when you start feeling better you don't fall into the trap many do and believe you don't need the meds anymore and stop taking them without a dr's knowledge. Many people do this and it turns out bad for them.

I've done this many times lol. It's true - don't ever quit your meds thinking, 'oh, I'm fine now.' Completely new symptoms of depression, anxiety, etc. rear their heads and you're back to where you started, trying to find another cocktail that will work. It's miserable.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mom. I know how hard it is to deal with myself, so it must be hell on those around me. My Mom's Mom was very sick from the time my Mom was a kid. She was diagnosed as schizo, then later bipolar - who knows. So many things have changed over the years. But Mom's been through hell. And now she's got a sick daughter to ice her cake. I can imagine what you've been through. I hope things get better, somehow.

alternative to Benzos

I've been on the same dose for 4 years now. Never asked for an increase. I'm good. It's been hell trying to prove to several doctors that I'm not addicted. Once most doctors even hear the word 'xanax,' they equate it with 'oh, this person's addicted.' Some months, I'm out too early. Other months, I have 15 / 40 leftover. It just depends.

Just recently, due to an error the doctor's assistant wrote in my chart, they pulled my xanax because she thought I was addicted. I went ape shit. I am very dependent on xanax to get me through tension and especially anger. But I don't get high off of it. Too much and I'm asleep. Anyways, the assistant made it look like I was taking ativan and xanax at the same time. Dumbass. So I got the xanax back after about a week of arguing with the office.

Thanks for contributing and stuff.

[wooÐs]

Not much to say here except I support this campaign 110%.
And when the tshirts are done, I'm buying a few.

Ron Howard generously donated his time in directing our first PSA that features Glenn Close and her sister, Jessie Close. John Mayer generously donated his song, Say, which serves as an anthem for this movement.

YouTube - Change A Mind About Mental Illness

YouTube - Change A Mind About Mental Illness

---------- Post added at 12:03 AM ---------- Previous post was Yesterday at 11:55 PM ----------

Bring Change 2 Mind

[Wes Mantooth]

I've had pretty severe anxiety problems since my late teens. I've never been properly diagnosed with anything to be honest...the doctors always say its just general anxiety and throw medicine at the problem. None of it seems to make much of a difference though.

Although I try to lead as normal a life as possible sometimes just going to the store to pick up a pack of smokes or visiting friends can be a real chore. The worst part is not knowing when the attacks will hit or when they will subside, will it be when I'm driving? On stage for a show? Will it last 5 minutes or 4 hours? I've started hating doing the things I enjoy because of all of this...they simply aren't worth doing if I'm going to have experience a panic attack in the process (all I can really do is keep pushing forward and do them anyway...fuck the attacks right?). All of this can and does lead to feeling depressed about my life and I'm beginning to get concerned that I'm starting to develop agoraphobia because of it.

I don't know, I think I'm beginning to ramble. I just wanted to share I guess I don't get to talk with people about this very often.