wooÐs

*sigh* lol
Was going to pm you instead of post, but I'd be going against my grain if I did.

I thought I touched on this somewhere on the forum, but can't find where. Maybe I'm wrong.

Star - my brother, who's also 5 years older, molested / raped me several times around the age of 10. He was also physically abusive. I didn't come out about it until I was 28. No one believed me, as I was strung out on cocaine.

Growing up, my brother was my 3rd parent. My parents always went to him asking how they should handle me, as I was a rebellious shit. I hated him so much for what he did to me, and I sure as hell knew I couldn't tell my parents about what happened - they wouldn't believe me - he's the star kid of the family.

I haven't truly started working on this issue until a little over a year ago, when I started seeing my therapist. It's amazing how a lot of my behaviors or actions relate to the abuse.

I could go on and on, but I'm getting uncomfortable. Today, brother's been out of the family for about 2 years now. Parents finally believe me. And they hate him not only for what he did, but for his egotistical, selfish self. He really is such a fucking ass. A sick, drunk, fucking ass.

I don't know what more to say. I know where you're at, I guess.
I've done this many times lol. It's true - don't ever quit your meds thinking, 'oh, I'm fine now.' Completely new symptoms of depression, anxiety, etc. rear their heads and you're back to where you started, trying to find another cocktail that will work. It's miserable.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mom. I know how hard it is to deal with myself, so it must be hell on those around me. My Mom's Mom was very sick from the time my Mom was a kid. She was diagnosed as schizo, then later bipolar - who knows. So many things have changed over the years. But Mom's been through hell. And now she's got a sick daughter to ice her cake. I can imagine what you've been through. I hope things get better, somehow.
I've been on the same dose for 4 years now. Never asked for an increase. I'm good. It's been hell trying to prove to several doctors that I'm not addicted. Once most doctors even hear the word 'xanax,' they equate it with 'oh, this person's addicted.' Some months, I'm out too early. Other months, I have 15 / 40 leftover. It just depends.

Just recently, due to an error the doctor's assistant wrote in my chart, they pulled my xanax because she thought I was addicted. I went ape shit. I am very dependent on xanax to get me through tension and especially anger. But I don't get high off of it. Too much and I'm asleep. Anyways, the assistant made it look like I was taking ativan and xanax at the same time. Dumbass. So I got the xanax back after about a week of arguing with the office.

Thanks for contributing and stuff.