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I would say up until five years or so back I would have bouts of depression where at least once a month I would sit in my room and cry. It would last hours and after it was done I would be okay. A few years into dating im2smrt4u I started getting violently angry with him accompanied by self hate and utter sadness. Why was I lashing out at the one I loved so much? That I can't really answer, but what I can tell you is the cause for it all.
I had never dealt with the fact that my brother (who is 5 years older) abused and molested me. He was/is (as far as I know) a horrible human being. He lied at every chance he could and he was a sneaky malicious person. He made me feel worthless and horrible about myself. I felt unworthy of love, which is most likely why I was pushing smrt away.
One night after an epic battle between the two of us and me thinking he was leaving for good (he had stormed out to his car), I promised to go get help if only he would stay. He later told me he wasn't leaving me just had to get away to stay calm at that moment.
I went and had some therapy and I started feeling better. I also told my parents and some time later the rest of my family. I admit I still can get sad if we fight and I have my rare moments where I regress and feel like shit about myself. I know that it is possible for the problems to come to surface again in the future and I will deal with that when I have to.
All in all though I am a very happy person. Most of my close friends who know my story (there is more to it) wonder how I can stay so positive. I figure no point living in the past and what has happened has made me who I am today and I like that person. I am stronger for what has happened.
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Frivolity, at the edge of a Moral Swamp, hears Hymn-Singing in the Distance and dons the Galoshes of Remorse. ~Edward Gorey
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