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Hello darkness my old friend.
Depression and I know each other well. It's a sickening darkness that turns me against people, and turns me against myself. But always, no matter how dark it got, no matter how far I fell down, I never gave up hope that things would get better, that life would get better, that i would get better.
It took me a long time to get where I am in dealing with it. The doctors I saw over the years were never much help. So I took ultimate responsibility for my own happiness. I've found ways and I've grown enough to manage my depression and many of my issues. I blame no one but myself for my flaws. I blame no one else for the things in my life that I'm not happy with.
I still get hit with seasonal depression, paranoia, and insomnia. I still have bad days. I still make awful choices, still fuck up. I'm just much better and realising it all for what it is, accepting that reality, and dealing with it.
I think the biggest catch 22 in my life has been drugs. Weed especially. I think the years of punishment I dished out to my body and mind with booze and drugs is a big factor in why my dark side rears its ugly head. But shit, that phase in my life played such a major role in making me me. In a good way too. The experiences I had during that time in my life are some of my fondest. But a price was paid for it, and that price made me wiser. However, I was oh so lucky.
Some of the dearest people to me payed a very steep price for those fun times. Thinking about this makes me tear up, because those people really are lost too me now. A beautiful mind is a horrible thing to go to waste. Put we all made that choice, we all took that risk. One way or another folks, you're made to pay, unfortunately, there's just some debts you'll never reconcile.
I steer clear of drugs these days, even weed. But you better believe it, I love to drink. I keep fit through riding, I eat alright, and I gave up smoking. At the moment I'm healthy, but I do drink, I do need that one vice. But it goes hand in hand with my creative outlets. Writing is something I have to make sense of anything going on in my mind, and it's something I have to really help with my small bouts of depression. A lil alcohol really helps. I try very hard to keep it in check, and if I can't I deal with the issue that's driving me to drink too much then I deal with that issue.
Mental illness and drug addiction is very close to me. People very dear to me have fallen victim to it, and even more people that I let close to me have been affected by it. I don't think enough people understand it, I don't think enough people are aware of it or even know it's happening to them.
But having said that, you should never use your illness as an excuse for anything. We ultimately responsible for our own lives and actions, blaming it on someone or something else will never change that fact.
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You are not a slave
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