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Old 05-13-2010, 10:21 AM   #87 (permalink)
lurkette
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It's timely that I just came back to Tilted and found this thread.

I've been on Paxil for about 8 years now. I have a family history of depression and anxiety which manifested as panic attacks and feelings of complete and utter self-loathing. I felt like a failure at every aspect of my life (objectively untrue) and was starting to think vaguely suicidal thoughts. So I went to the doctor, got a prescription, and started seeing a cognitive behavior therapist.

I was just starting to get my feet under me and get some muscle around retraining my thinking (cognitive behavior therapy is probably one of the best things I've encountered - I found it very useful) when my brother was killed suddenly in 2003. It really threw me out of whack - brought up all kinds of stuff in addition to the grief, stuff about my identity, my place in the world, who I really am at my core. So it didn't really seem like a good time to quit taking the Paxil. I continued seeing a therapist and worked through a lot of stuff, including one really fundamental cognitive/emotional/spiritual "roadblock" that had been in my way for, well, basically all my life.

So, now I'm doing better. Grief is grief...it's just there, and most of the time you're fine and sometimes you're not. I haven't had a panic attack since just after Josh died. I have some anxiety over things like money, but nothing like before, and probably at healthy levels that keep me from doing stupid things.

So I decided a few months back to go off the Paxil. I'd tried before, mostly because I hated being on it, I hated what it represented about me (totally get you, LordEden, about feeling weak for needing it...) It never worked - maybe because I came off too fast and the side-effects were too severe, maybe because I was doing it for the wrong reasons. This time I'm going off just because I think I don't need it any more. I'm trying to not be attached to going off it...if I need it, I need it. We'll see! I'm doing it very slowly. I wasn't even on a "therapeutic" dose - only 10mg/day. (I think 15-25 is the usual starter dose?) They don't make smaller doses, so I've been stepping down the number of days per week I take it. For a while I didn't feel any ill effects so I kept going, but when I got down to 2 days/week I started to get the usual suspects - zaps, dizzies, moodiness, some perseverative thoughts, and extreme irritability.

I'm back up to 3 days/week to kind of stabilize, but it's given me pause. How will I know what's a result of going off the Paxil and what's just my personality, or my response to stressful situations? Maybe I'm just a bitch in real life and the Paxil blunted it We're around the time of year when Josh died, so how do I know what's just normal sadness and grief over that and what's depression creeping back? I feel a little bit like the frog in the pan of water...not sure I'll notice it's heated up until it's too late!

So...I'm struggling with whether I should stay the course at this dose, keep decreasing slowly and see what happens, or call it a failed experiment and go back on. I'm trying to strengthen other therapeutic behaviors that can pick up the slack - exercising frequently, getting outside and walking or digging in the dirt, deep breathing and relaxation exercises - but they're not always enough to keep me feeling like I'm on an even keel.

Not sure if I'm looking for advice, but I'd love to hear from others who have gone off their meds.
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