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Old 12-20-2006, 08:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My crappy college existence

Hey, I've browsed this forum for a while but this is my first time actually posting. I am very depressed right now and need some advice. It's kinda long, so bear with me.

I'm in my junior year of college and college has been the worst time of my life. I have absolutely no friends. I didn't have high school friends neither, nor have I ever had a girlfriend. After attending three different high schools, I pretty much gave up on social life in high school, because I always heard great stories about how much better it was in college. Those stories, at least for me, are complete fiction.

I realize a huge part of it is my fault, because I chose to live at home and commute to school rather than go off and have the traditional dorm experience where I am forced to interact with people. Its a local school and most people who attend it grew up in this immediate area. This causes the problem of people clinging to their high school friends and being relatively shut to meeting new people and making new friends. When you are dealing with groups that have been together since kindergarten, its very hard to penetrate that.

I was always told college was a place I would be accepted for who I am, but I've found it to be just more of the same crap I suffered through in high school. Most friendships here are based entirely on things such as partying and binge drinking. This isn't what I want. I want a close, emotional friendship. I also prefer smart, intellectual type people rather than people who spend all night laughing at their farting contests. It doesn't help that I live in a pretty rural area (Fort Smith, AR if anybody has heard of it), where there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to do besides a few local bars or attending church. Neither of those options is going to put me with people who I would clique with.

My only close friend is a guy I met online and he went off to college and lived in the dorm. He had the same problem as I did in high school. He didn't have any friends and always sat at home, as I did and still do. College for him was a complete 180 degree turn-around. He has a perfect girl and close friends who accept him for who he is. That is what I expected out of college. Now he's doing random things with his friends all the time and lives the life I would give ANYTHING for. If he can do it, why can't I?

I had high hopes for this time of my life. I was so wrong. I spend my days depressed and lonely now. I frequently think of suicide. The most common advice I get is either to transfer schools or move out of my parents' house. Neither of those are an option for me. My job doesn't pay enough for me to take classes full time plus work enough for me to pay rent. Second, I am on a scholarship so transferring schools would require I give that up. My parents wouldn't support it either. If I was earlier in my college career I might consider transferring anyways, especially as miserable as I am. With only a year and a half left to go, however, that wouldn't be the smartest thing.

Is there any possible way I can turn things around and make friends while I'm still in college? I feel that if I can't make friends now, I will never have them. A new semester is getting ready to start and I hope to make it the semester that my life turns around. On the flip side though, since I've been in school five semesters already, my faith that it will actually get better is little to none. Is it possible though and what would you do in my situation?

Last edited by beedubaya; 02-12-2007 at 09:53 PM..
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Old 12-20-2006, 09:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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There are other options hun, I know its rough. I'm a freshman at Texas Tech University. I'm going to throw out some thoughts that came up, I know loans are not exciting but they would enable you to move out of your parents house and into a dorm on campus and take classes full-time. High school was tough for me since I moved right before the whole damn thing started...like you said it was hard to penetrate into the cliques. I did some school stuff that got me involved, swim team and photographer for the newspaper. Doing things involved with the school helped me integrate myself and I eventually became well-known by my junior year.
Oh another thought, since you're already a junior you wouldn't be paying off that many loans since you're almost done with your bachelors. I'm sorry its been so rough on you.
Fortunately for me I've loved college since my parents kissed me goodbye after moving me into my dorm. I met really nice people, made friends from my major, love the rec center, and have met a really great guy JStrider who introduced me to the TFP.
If I were you, I would consider taking out some loans to pay for school full-time, no shame in that. I would quit my job, after a 2-week notice of course. Request a dormroom or see if there are any available. Usually there are the second semester. Once loans were secure I would have mom and dad move me into the dorm and start off with a clean slate. Start eating in the dining halls, go to the rec on a regular basis where you're bound to meet new and interesting people. Visit clubs that you're interested in. Consider trying to hang out with people from classes you might enjoy. Just overall be more open to the experience. I hung out with my roommate alot and through that I met several groups of friends and James. Pretty happy now. The people in my major are all pretty cool, I think I get a little extra slack though for being a woman in Architecture as only 15% of the incoming freshman for it are. So needless to say a girl making friends is not too hard in a male dominated major.
Just be open, try intra-murals if your school has them. Avoid a frat as they don't seem your brand, good job for that opinion btw.
Can't think of anything else other than the pool if your school has one. Pools help relieve stress and help clear your head. Exercise overall does.
Hope this helps.
If you need to chat just IM me : ghoastgirl1
I'd be happy to talk to you and help ease your mood.
Good luck
The sun will shine again sir, you just need to wait till the clouds go away!
I know I've hit several depression points since going away to school, we all do.
No worries.
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Old 12-20-2006, 09:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I double checked your name a few times just to make sure I hadn't posted this in my sleep.

I've tried to answer this a few times, and all I ended up doing was elaborating on my own situation. If anybody out there has some answers I'd be happy to hear them. At times I've looked at various options just to get the fuck out and contemplate what I'm doing with my life - peace corps, marines corps, but the peace corp takes months to get back to you with no guarantees and the marines, well, that's kind of its own problem.

My solution at this point has been to switch from what I was doing (if you could have called it that) to the major that required the least to graduate and then move on from that. That is, to think short term instead of long term, while I attempt to take a stab at planning the long term.

The way I figure is, high school sucked, college sucked even worse because everyone else was having so much fun, but there's still the rest of my life, you know? Sure, I don't fit in. I didn't before, what was I expecting? I don't want to fit in. I hate these people. I hate all the cute little subdivisions of Americana, and it's inescapable. Nearly everybody I knew from high school went to college, ergo...you either pick one and attempt to conform or give up the ghost.

So I'm trying to find something I enjoy. And fuck the rest of the world. And hopefully through my struggle I will become a better, more fulfilled person, and they will spend the rest of their lives wishing they were back in college. So fuck that mentality, and fuck 'em all.

By the way, the difference between my reply and ghoastgirl's is like a picture perfect case study in male / female psychology. That said, her advice is far better.

Last edited by hrandani; 12-20-2006 at 09:29 PM..
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Old 12-20-2006, 09:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Welcome. I want to answer your post in more detail later, but one line struck me and I wanted to respond with this immediately. You said you frequently think of suicide. Does your college have a counseling center? I highly, HIGHLY recommend that you get yourself in for an appointment, because as great as TFP is, we are still just strangers on the internet and we cannot sit there with you in your room. We are not professionals, though many of us mean well and we try to help as much as we can.

And if you think counseling is not the answer... please, consider the alternative. What do you have to lose? This is coming from someone who has been in counseling for several years, and recently filled a prescription for anti-depressant medications. I know the feelings you are having. You need to get help, and not just on the internet.
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Old 12-20-2006, 09:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I also want you think about what you have that makes you much more fortunate than alot of people. You have a scholarship to school, so many kids would want that. I applied for so many scholarships and got jack shit, sorry you're white, your mom makes too much money, Lockheeds paying your way.
You have parents that are willing to let you live at home and not pay rent. You don't have it so bad. Getting involved would do wonders. I also second Abayas suggestion on immediate counseling.
You have alot of residual stuff going on, it needs to come out and a professional can help. Someone to talk to and communicate with always helps when your stressed. Don't give up please
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Old 12-20-2006, 09:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beedubaya
I was always told college was a place I would be accepted for who I am, but I've found it to be just more of the same crap I suffered through in high school. Most friendships here are based entirely on things such as partying and binge drinking. This isn't what I want. I want a close, emotional friendship. I also prefer smart, intellectual type people rather than people who spend all night laughing at their farting contests.
Well...

I am most definitely not the "Go out on a Friday night and drink/party" type person. On any given Friday night you could either find me at home watching TV/on the computer or hanging out with my friends playing:

1.) Magic
2.) Dungeons and Dragons
3.) Monopoly
4.) SSBM or
5.) Mario Kart: Double Dash!

I don't go to a particularly big school either, but you can always find a niche in which you feel comfortable. Usually the school you attend or in-campus groups host some kind of yearly activities. Just go to the ones that interest you the most and I guarantee that you'll meet people with whom you connect with. It's almost impossible to not make friends in college if you try as most people come from all over the country (Sometimes they come from different countries).

I suppose the question is "What are you doing to try to turn your life around?"
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Old 12-20-2006, 10:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Infinite_Loser
It's almost impossible to not make friends in college if you try as most people come from all over the country (Sometimes they come from different countries).

I suppose the question is "What are you doing to try to turn your life around?"
Thanks for the replies so far.

That is one of the roots of my problems...I go to a local school with mostly local students who tend to cling to their high school cliques. Most of them aren't real open to making new friends, they still have everybody they grew up with so they don't see a point. Of course its easier when everybody is mixed up and everybody has to make new friends.

I realize transferring schools would probably be my best option short term. However, I would have to fight my parents every step of the way to get there. My parents are very closed minded and only see long term. They get mad when I even bring up moving out. My parents are of the extremely over-protective variety.

How do I tell my parents how I really feel about this and get them to see my side? Last time I tried to talk to them about merely taking out a loan and moving on-campus, they flipped out on me and went on and on about how on-campus life would be so much worse and I was insane for considering it.
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Old 12-21-2006, 06:53 AM   #8 (permalink)
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OK, I've read both of your posts, and first and foremost, I completely agree with Abaya. If you're having frequent thoughts of suicide, you need to get help immediately. You need to face that problem immediately and fully. None of us here are qualified to act as any sort of remote counselor, and while we may have advice for the remainder of your life, you need help from someone who's qualified to deal with that kind of problem.

After reading your second email, it sounds to me like your parents are part of the problem. You are an adult now. If you want to take on the financial burden of your education, you can legally do so. They have no rights over you except for the ones you give them. As I see it, you have three options:

#1 - stay where you are but make a concerted effort to branch out into new activities and classes. Find a class that requires a group project and use that to meet new people. Invite them over for a BBQ or out for dinner or something during or after the project. Go out for a sport that doesn't have cuts (track and cross country teams typically don't cut anyone).

#2 - Transfer to a nearby school that's far enough away that you'd have to live in a dorm. The University of Arkansas in Fayetteville or Little Rock immediately spring to mind. Both of them are far enough away that commuting doesn't make any sense. Yes, it will cost you more money, but you'll also most likely end up with a degree that's worth more, which is really what you're after anyway. Once you're living in the dorm there, you'll meet the folks on your floor, in class, in the dining hall, at church (if that's your thing) and in the streets.

#3 - Transfer to a school as far away from home as possible so you can completely start over. One of the great things about going away to school is that you can completely reinvent yourself. There won't be anyone who remembers the time in the 4th grade that you farted in the middle of the school play (um, not that I did or anything), and you can choose to turn the story into an amusing anecdote. There's a lot more risk involved here because you're basically working outside the safety net you have now, but the rewards are potentially greater.

Regardless, you have to change something and you have to take some risks.
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Old 12-21-2006, 07:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Jazz
Regardless, you have to change something and you have to take some risks.
This is it in a nutshell. You have to *CHANGE* some thing(s) about your life--it's NOT going to be convenient, or easy. You won't get full sign-off approval from everyone. It won't be immediately clear that you're doing exactly the right/smartest/most financially logical thing. You may have to make several different starts in several different directions before you find what works for you. And even after that point you're going to have to continue to work to refine it to your satisfaction.

It's like going to a restaurant and ordering only one thing ever, something that you detest (liver, for instance :P), because it's the top item on the menu, it's the easiest thing, it's the cheapest thing, and your parents really only want you to eat that because they know they like it. You don't even have to vocalize to order it, just point and grunt and the waiters bring it to you because that's all you ever get anyways.

Is that the kind of life you want to live? Obviously not. Then get up off your butt and get into a different restaurant! You cannot live your life for the approval of others, even that of your parents. That's all you've done so far, and look where it's gotten you!

You definitely have the ability to change your life. You're more than halfway through college, you can certainly finish the rest. It's far better to take out loans for the rest of your schooling than complete school debt-free and suicidally unhappy, right?

So many people have been where you are right now, and believe it or not, this absolutely can be an exciting turning point in your life Right Here and Now. *This* is the day you stop rolling in your emotional vomit, clean yourself up, and change your life! There's nothing better.

I can tell from your writing that you are smart and capable of doing this. Nothing is holding you back except yourself. You're like a hawk in a cage, tied only with an old bit of string. How long are you going to allow yourself to be denied what is yours--the whole blue, open, free sky.

I too used to be that hawk in a cage. When I busted out, I was shocked and appalled at how long I had wasted my life in that self-imposed cage. Hopefully you won't waste so much time.

Oh, and you *better* come back here and post your reactions to our advice, as well as updates to your situation. I'm smiling, and I mean it.
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Last edited by Sultana; 12-21-2006 at 07:20 AM..
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Old 12-21-2006, 08:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
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You not moving into a dorm or moving to the campus is one of the biggest problems. You simply won't have "the college experience" that is so talked about unless you live at the college. I hate to be a downer, but it's just not gonna happen living in your parent's house off campus. There is nothing wrong with living with your parents (you're saving a shitload of money and are probably more comfortable than a dorm) but that's definitely one of the big issues. The College Life® occurs in dorms and in apartment complexes at the campus. There is almost no way to experience it unless you live there.

Unless you go to a REALLY small school, the fact that the college is near your home shouldn't affect too much concerning the "same people" problem. There should be a shitload of people at the college.

The College Experience® is drinking or watching other people drink alcohol for the most part. I didn't partake in the drinking, but I did go to friend's apartments and dorms and watched them drink because it's really all that goes on in college. If you do want to find smart, intellectual friends who will accept you, you will also have to accept that a MASSIVE majority of people in college drink alcohol all the fucking time, regardless of their clique or social status/intelligence/personality.

I suggest you find some way to spend time outside of the house. What are your interests? Look up the college clubs and go to some club meetings. Most of the people at the meetings will be annoying but some won't be, and that's a good start.

The most drastic measure would be to move out and get your own apartment, but it sounds like your parents won't allow that, and if they're paying for your college, that's not happening. If you're paying for it, then you probably won't be able to afford an apartment without a 30+ hour a week job which pretty much ruins college anyway. That, or you could try to live in a dorm next year (not many juniors and seniors live in dorms, but there is a HUGE life in most dorms, regardless of age).

This probably didn't help much but it's just my experiences of college after graduating in 4 years, never drinking alcohol, and having friends that did frequently and lived in the dorms for all 4 years.
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Old 12-21-2006, 08:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Jazz
#1 - stay where you are but make a concerted effort to branch out into new activities and classes. Find a class that requires a group project and use that to meet new people. Invite them over for a BBQ or out for dinner or something during or after the project. Go out for a sport that doesn't have cuts (track and cross country teams typically don't cut anyone).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lasereth
I suggest you find some way to spend time outside of the house. What are your interests? Look up the college clubs and go to some club meetings. Most of the people at the meetings will be annoying but some won't be, and that's a good start.
I echo the above two statements. The only people I still socialize with from my college days were in the extracurricular groups I was involved with (in my case, Glee Club and Marching Band).
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Old 12-21-2006, 11:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Clubs are key! Hardly anyone makes all their friends in the dorms, those are so random that the likelihood of finding people with the same interests as you are not that high. Join a club and get involved!
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Old 12-23-2006, 12:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beedubaya
I was always told college was a place I would be accepted for who I am
Who are you then?


Do you have any hobbies or useful skillsets that could be channeled into a club? I got into the stage crew of the college theatre group based on my slightly-above-mediocre carpentry skills and found friends for life there. Smart, clever, creative, wonderful friends. And it's not weird to join a club so late in your college career, just say you weren't sure you'd be able to handle the courseload plus extracurricular activities before you had a few semesters under your belt. Join a club, problem solved. At least it worked for me.

Because it's not going to be like, you're sitting in the library scribbling away on a project and a small group of intelligent people walk up to your table and say: "Hello, we've been noticing you around. You seem like our kind of fellow. We're going to go over to Horace's place, drink tea and argue about Kandinsky all night. Do come along!" and then you live happily ever after. Well actually it sort of happened to me once only it was Opus Dei, a Bible study group, and I didn't have the time then. You have to do stuff to meet people, you can't just sit around and look interesting.

Actually, I'm thinking maybe you should get a small part-time job. Nothing spectacular, but one where you'd have to meet and talk to a bunch of people face to face, like McDonalds or a grocery store. My small-talk abilities have improved a lot thanks to my menial job and I'm no longer embarrased by talking to random strangers. Plus you earn money and gain independence from your parents.
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Old 12-23-2006, 01:15 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Thanks again for the advice. I realize clubs are important, but my college is small and there's not many that I would really fit into.

Computers are sort of my thing and I joined a newly formed off-campus club for comp enthusiasts in my area. The guys in the club seem pretty nice and fun to be around. However, that monthly meeting doesn't cut it for making friends (at least in decent time). Maybe after many months I will be more comfortable with the other members and it will be different. I should talk with the leader about doing more activities than just the monthly meeting, such as LAN parties, etc.

This is why people say that dorm life is key, because you adjust and get comfortable with people much faster when you live with them.

Because of rejection in the past, I have a hard time just calling those guys who I barely know up and ask to go hang out or go to a movie or something. Most of the time that I've done that, even with people who I've cliqued well with, it ruined any chance of friendship. I don't know what it is, maybe I've lost all my social skills having not had any friends since middle school.

Can people here who are comfortable doing the social thing give me advice how to go about turning acquaintances from my monthly club meeting into friends? How can I call them up without annoying them or ruining a possible close friendship?

P.S. I have a part time job but most of my co-workers are assholes and are not people I would want to associate with off the clock.
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Old 12-23-2006, 02:51 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Old 12-27-2006, 01:35 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beedubaya
Because of rejection in the past, I have a hard time just calling those guys who I barely know up and ask to go hang out or go to a movie or something. Most of the time that I've done that, even with people who I've cliqued well with, it ruined any chance of friendship.
How did it ruin your chances of a close friendship just b/c you called them up and asked to hang out?

Personally, as long as you don't give off a weird stalker vibe, I think you're fine calling people up to hang out. The best way is talk to the people you meet a little, see if your interests align. If they do, talk some more, suggest lunch, call them up to do whatever it is your interests are..
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Old 12-27-2006, 01:54 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beedubaya
Thanks again for the advice. I realize clubs are important, but my college is small and there's not many that I would really fit into.
I thought the same thing when I was in college... and I thought wrong. I went to a small private college that didn't have a lot of people and I had a hard time making friends at first. Actually, I'm pretty sure that the majority of my freshman year just sucked. But, my sophomore year I made 2 very good friends and I ended up joining their sorority (after I realized that not every sorority is such a stereotype and it stood for a lot of things I believed in). Now, I couldn't imagine having gone through college without all of them.
So, go out there and see what clubs there are. You might not think you'll fit in at first, but you'll be surprised. Jump in. Have fun.
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Old 12-27-2006, 04:16 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Join a club or two. Heck, I joined about six in first year. Only participated in a few though...

If you join reasonably intellectual groups/clubs, you will (hopefully) find some interesting people to hang with. That was my experience.
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Old 12-27-2006, 09:29 PM   #19 (permalink)
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beedubaya,

i'm sorry that your college experience has not been up to par. that being said, you say that it's only for 1.5 more years (at least it's not more!), so hopefully a job out in the real world will help you gain new friends and people to hang out with.

what sort of classes are you taking in the new semester? my advice is to try to get together with your classmates ... perhaps it could be as simple as "hey, what did you get for homework problem 1? i'd like to compare answers..." or "are you guys having trouble with the assignment?" [even if you've already mastered it, maybe they'll want to get together later and talk about it...]

do you play any sports? does your school have an intramural sports team that you could join and make friends? often you can join a "free agent" list for teams that need more people...

i echo the advice on joining whatever clubs you can find, too.

anyway, i wish you luck and please keep us in the loop. please, please do find some real, professional help if you're still feeling depressed. Hang in there, dude.
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Old 12-27-2006, 10:59 PM   #20 (permalink)
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beedubaya - Do your parents realize the extent of your loneliness and that it's leading to thoughts of suicide? Maybe if they knew that, they'd be more flexible about what they will and won't open their minds to. (And I second what everyone else has said about that - please, please talk to someone and get professional help in terms of that).

What I hear you asking, under all the questions about how to make friends in college - is how to make friends in general- and since you've had such a hard time in highschool and now college, does that mean you'll never be able to?

It might just be where you live- honestly. I grew up somewhere where I just felt that I did not fit. I didn't have the same interests, mindsets, values, etc. The only friends I had in highschool were from my church youth group - we were an interesting bunch of pretty irreverent, rebellious non-religious kids who were thrown together because our parents made us go to church-so we just made the best of our enforced time together and actually had a lot of good times. But I didn't have any friends in school - and it was like someone on here said, I didn't want to fit in with those people anyway. I know it sounds arrogant, but I think it was more of a defense mechanism. I didn't think I could, so I convinced myself I didn't want to.

College was a whole different ball game, because I got the hell out. I went somewhere totally different, met totally different types of people and it opened up the whole world to me in terms of confidence, which translated into me being more attractive to other people as a friend.

Someone once said to me, when I was down and crying about not having any friends, or saying that the friends I did have didn't appreciate me- "Why don't you concentrate on being a good friend to them, instead of focusing only on what they should or could do for you?" That really struck me, and changed my whole modus operandi in terms of approaching people as friends.

There has to be someone else that you see in the library or the cafeteria who's always sitting alone, who might be as lonely as you are. Walk over and sit with them. Strike up a conversation about what they're reading. Be honest. Say something like, "I don't really know a lot of people here. Do you mind if I sit here?". And though you might get a strange look and they might say, "Yes, I mind"- I'd almost be willing to put money on the fact that they won't.

Can you get some kind of job where you live somewhere else for the summer? I spent a couple of summers waitressing out in Yellowstone, and met a lot of cool people that way. Again, I was shy. It was the hardest thing I ever made myself do to get on that bus by myself and face going out there to live for eight weeks with people I didn't know. But it worked out to be a couple of the best summers I ever had. You have to take risks to get rewards.

You sound like a nice person. You sound like you'd be a good friend. Don't give up. But don't keep beating your head against a brick wall either. Try some different approaches.
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Old 12-28-2006, 09:07 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Thanks for that advice. I do feel a big part of the problem is where I live. I am smart, and I have intellectual and academic interests. I live in the poorest, most uneducated area in the entire United States. I go to a local commuter school that is pretty much a place for those who are either too ignorant to get into a good college or too poor to. Nobody who I would fit in well with would go to a school like mine.

My parents are extremely poor also, so going way off to school wasn't an option at the time, since I was 18 and they were totally against taking out loans. I wish I would have been more educated on the subject so I could have made my case that going way off was necessary.

That summer job elsewhere option sounds interesting. I'll look into that and it will also be a way to see if the problem really is the area that I live in.

As far as being a good friend for others, thats what I always do, but people don't like it. I generally have a problem with being "too" loyal to my friends, which maybe makes them uncomfortable and they end the friendship. I'm not sure what causes this or what people want in a friend. It seems like most people, especially guys, don't want a true, caring friend. They want drinking buddies or sports buddies or whatever.

I also am very awkward and am not comfortable in the areas that are typical of most male friendships, such as pseudo-fighting, or pseudo-sexual activities. When those things come up, I just don't know what to do, and people think I have something wrong with me.

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Old 12-28-2006, 09:43 AM   #22 (permalink)
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I am smart, and I have intellectual and academic interests.
That's what you have to focus on then. You have to use what you know you have to get to where you want to be. I know it's hard, but maybe in the absence of a social life right not, you should focus on your studies so you can get a scholarship to a good graduate school, and that will be your way out. (I was a good, but not exceptionally great student, and I got a graduate assistantship to a good university. They paid my way, including books and fees). So if you're smart and a good student - it could happen for you. Tell yourself you'll do whatever you have to do right now knowing it won't be forever.

Quote:
My parents are extremely poor also, so going way off to school wasn't an option at the time, since I was 18 and they were totally against taking out loans. I wish I would have been more educated on the subject so I could have made my case that going way off was necessary.
That makes it hard. Your guidance counselor should have helped you with that stuff.

Quote:
That summer job elsewhere option sounds interesting. I'll look into that and it will also be a way to see if the problem really is the area that I live in.
If it doesn't work out, you can always leave. It's worth a try.

Quote:
As far as being a good friend for others, thats what I always do, but people don't like it. I generally have a problem with being "too" loyal to my friends, which maybe makes them uncomfortable and they end the friendship. I'm not sure what causes this or what people want in a friend. It seems like most people, especially guys, don't want a true, caring friend. They want drinking buddies or sports buddies or whatever.
I'm a female, so I don't really know what guys want or don't want in a male friend. How about female friends? They usually like caring and loyal.

Quote:
I also am very awkward and am not comfortable in the areas that are typical of most male friendships, such as pseudo-fighting, or pseudo-sexual activities. When those things come up, I just don't know what to do, and people think I have something wrong with me.
Again, I don't know about male bonding -but as far as I can see-male friendships are really different than female friendships or male/female friendships, so I can understand what you're saying, but I'm sorry I can't comment anymore than that. But again, if you can find anyone, male or female, who seems to be in the same spot you're in with similar interests - they'd probably be grateful for some company or a friend.

Check out Yellowstone or Yosimite. If you like the outdoors, you'll meet loads of people who have similar interests and most people go there on their own- not in ready made cliques - so they're open and eager to making new friends.
Good luck.
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Old 12-28-2006, 10:03 AM   #23 (permalink)
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beedubya - I have a very similar story to tell, but trust me when I tell you that Ft. Smith, AR is neither the poorest nor the most uneducated area of the country. I grew up in East Tennessee with family in Southern Mississippi and Southwestern Georgia, and I've spent a lot of time stomping around the South and the rest of the country. That said, the area where you grew up really has nothing or little to do with your success in life. It has a lot more to do with the opportunities you create for yourself. My father and his best friend growing up lived in Southern Mississippi and didn't have two nickles to rub together between the two of them. Today, they're both West Point graduates, and my dad just sold his very successful business and his friend is a successful author of fiction and a tenured professor. And the friend's little brother was a NASA engineer who now owns a consulting business. If you've got brains and a tiny bit of luck, you can go far as long as you recognize your opportunities.

My dad's business didn't take off until I was out of college, so I had to find my own way through school. I was the exception to the rule and had enough athletic talent to chose schools based on my own criteria, but several of my friends weren't as lucky. That said, you have multiple options open to you. First, you need to decide what you want to be doing in 5 and 10 years and then figure out how to get there. What are you going to school for? As a rising junior in college, I was sure that I was going to be a lawyer and angled for that for several years until I figured out that I'm really only interested in the intellectual portion of the law and that the world has more than enough law professors.

Once you've got that part figured out, figure out if your school is right for you. If you want to be a lawyer, and you're going to an A&M, then you may need to make a change. Let me remind you again that you're now an adult and can make your own decisions, and if going to NYU is what you decide needs doing, then do it. That said, you're now an adult so figuring out how to pay for it is also your responsibility.

If you decide that keeping things the way they are is the way to go, then find a way to make more friends. By the way, a "sports buddy" or a "drinking buddy" can be true, caring friends. They're friends that share a common interest.

As I and several others have suggested, try going out for a sport that doesn't make cuts. I suggest cross country or track, but that's because I'm partial to those. Swimming or ultimate frisbee are others. You don't have to actually compete, but showing up for practice is important. Two of my best friends from college were both on the XC team with me. One of them finished pretty close to me in every race, but the other one never finished 5th from last on the team. He was dead last in several races, but he was fun to be around and was a team captain. Showing up and doing the work like everyone else will win people over quickly, especially if you have a good heart. If you haven't seen it already, go watch the movie "Rudy" and take it's lessons to heart. Except for going to Notre Dame. I'll never tell you to do that.
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Old 12-28-2006, 10:46 AM   #24 (permalink)
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I'll make this really short. I haven't had a particularly exciting experience post high school. In fact my life has been fairly mellow in comparison to all those socialites out there. Yeah, there is that little desire to go out there, hang out with friends and blah blah blah, but I know it all boils down to the situations I put myself into. If I don't get enough out of life, I know I'm not striving for enough.

If you want your life to be happenin', you need to release yourself from your current activities that keep you tied up, and you need to throw yourself in the middle of something. Now, I can say this and you can read it, but I know how difficult it is to make such a change. Thats not my problem, though, 'cause there really is nothing more to the problem than effort. Put the effort in and you'll see an improvement.
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Old 12-28-2006, 10:47 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Im not really a sports person but something like cross country or track might work for me. Not sure if my school has that.

My problems run beyond male bonding as well. Girls generally give me the cold shoulder because they consider me "too nice." The last girl I asked out told me she wanted a bad boy and would never date a "nice" guy like me. Girls and guys around here both also can't seem to get the grasp of male/female friendship thats not romantic.

As far as drinking buddies are concerned, I have to keep my drinking to minimum because my parents are fundamentalist Christians (which this religion governs all of their actions). They will kick me out of the house if the knew I had been drinking because that is one of the "ultimate sins". So I usually keep it at 1 or 2 beers or a glass of wine and I'm happy with that. I don't need to get wasted to have fun, in fact I would rather remember my fun.
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Old 12-28-2006, 06:29 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Your story sounds eerily similar to the one I posted to this very sub-forum over three years ago; so much so that I really didn't want to read it being played out again. Not surprisingly, the constructive advice given then (thanks to several TFP members) was the same as it is now for you. However, I'd like to serve as a cautionary tale and not an enabler, because I have still yet to act on any of that advice and I'm just as miserable after having graduated and gotten a respectable entry-level job related to my major.

In terms of prioritizing what you need to change, I'd say seeking some form of professional help is the most important task at hand. Changing your surroundings and becoming engaged in several activities is all well and good, but depression will linger like a black cloud and impede any shred of motivation you may have. Actually seeking help is another story altogether--I should know--but seeing a school counselor or your general practitioner is a good start, especially if you're concerned that your parents might be indifferent to this type of health issue.

Good luck, and let us know if/how things are progressing.
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Old 12-28-2006, 08:06 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Anomaly_
Your story sounds eerily similar to the one I posted to this very sub-forum over three years ago; so much so that I really didn't want to read it being played out again. Not surprisingly, the constructive advice given then (thanks to several TFP members) was the same as it is now for you. However, I'd like to serve as a cautionary tale and not an enabler, because I have still yet to act on any of that advice and I'm just as miserable after having graduated and gotten a respectable entry-level job related to my major.
Wow, thats similar.

What kind of job do you have? What was your major? What university did you go to and where was it at? How was your experience in high school? I couldn't PM you so if you have AIM, my sn is bchris02, I'd like to talk with you.

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Old 12-29-2006, 03:32 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Being at least moderately social will go a long way towards making your college life a lot easier. I speak from experience.. I just up and decided "screw my pride & preconceptions, let's party." Yup, life in college was a doozie after that.
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Old 12-29-2006, 03:51 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Being at least moderately social will go a long way towards making your college life a lot easier. I speak from experience.. I just up and decided "screw my pride & preconceptions, let's party." Yup, life in college was a doozie after that.
Hear hear!
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Old 01-02-2007, 05:36 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Don't waste your time and money on counseling or clubs at your current school. What you need in life right now, at this time, is a complete change. A total fresh start. For a semester at least, sever your ties with everything (sounds like you have few to sever, which makes this easier) and move somewhere totally new. Don't go home every weekend either. That's part of the severing of ties thing.

I am not the most sociable individual either... really I'm not... you have to force yourself at first. Don't be afraid to experiment with some alcohol. Join some clubs. You will find some friends that share hobbies. And then networking kicks in.

So to wrap it up: change everything and live bold.
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Old 01-08-2007, 09:14 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Thanks for all the replies again. I'm getting ready to start my new semester in the same place doing the same crap unfortunately.

Thinking about it, I'm not sure moving into an apartment would help me much at my current school. As I said, the problem lies in the area where I live and the school that I attend. College in my location is basically an extension of high school. On-campus housing is limited to a few apartments that are very expensive and are difficult to get into. I would have to get an off-campus apartment if I moved out of my parents' house. Being as after this semester I have one year left, transferring would be a very radical move at this point. I should have done that at the 2-year mark. I have a hard time justifying it for myself at this point, let alone my parents.

I'm going to give a bit of info about my school. I go to University of Arkansas at Fort Smith. While it is technically a 4-year university, it was recently converted in 2002 from Westark Community College. While the curriculum and degree is on par with that of other University of Arkansas system schools, the schools reputation and identity is still that of a small community college. There is no central UAFS identity. In fact, people still identify themselves with whatever high school in the area they graduated from. University students refer to community college sometimes as "Grade 13" for a reason.

What I am going to really focus on at this point is getting a summer job out of state this summer. Whether its transferring to another Office Depot or getting an out of state internship, I think that might be my best move at the moment.
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Old 01-08-2007, 09:30 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Congratulations on taking your future into your own hands. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find the happiness you're looking for.
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Old 01-08-2007, 10:18 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beedubaya
Thanks for the replies so far.

That is one of the roots of my problems...I go to a local school with mostly local students who tend to cling to their high school cliques. Most of them aren't real open to making new friends, they still have everybody they grew up with so they don't see a point. Of course its easier when everybody is mixed up and everybody has to make new friends.

I realize transferring schools would probably be my best option short term. However, I would have to fight my parents every step of the way to get there. My parents are very closed minded and only see long term. They get mad when I even bring up moving out. My parents are of the extremely over-protective variety.

How do I tell my parents how I really feel about this and get them to see my side? Last time I tried to talk to them about merely taking out a loan and moving on-campus, they flipped out on me and went on and on about how on-campus life would be so much worse and I was insane for considering it.
I've been through that before...I assume that most of the kids who attend your college have never moved before...grew up in the same house, same town their entire lives etc.

I learned how hard it is to penetrate cliques in the 8th grade, we were moving to TX at the end of 8th grade, beforehand I had attended a private Lutheran Christian School of around 200 children grades preschool - 8th.
Well it was easier and cheaper for me to go to public school the year we were packing up to move so there I went. Fortunately I made friends quickly since in 8th grade being the "new" girl gets you more props than in high school, as I would cometo learn the harsh reality a year later in a brand new town. Also my neighborhood best friend helped my social life tremendously, also being in the advanced classes too.
Moving to a new state really changes your outlook on life, more than anything I believe. It completely broadened my horizons on life and helped me realize I didn't want to live in one town my entire life like nearly all my friends from middle school are doing now.

Ok...heres the point. Once you move somewhere new, its a clean slate.
It is up to you to make the best of what you have to work with.
If you can finish out school and land a job somewhere new then you will be fresh, attempt to move somewhere 150% different from where you've been.
Your scope on life will be thrown into a whirlwind of epiphanys and you'll understand how much there really is out there.
Moving to TX from GA was the best thing that happened to me.
At the time I hated it due to being right before high school...talk about fun.
However now I know its opened my eyes to the world and whats at my fingertips.
ok enough of me talking.
Point: You've lived in the same house for your entire life as have many of those kids,it is their safety zone but...you know you want a radical change in your life, showing you have some brains and desperately want to broaden your horizons.
In time I believe you will achieve your goal.
Sorry this was so long!
Goodluck hun!
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Old 01-09-2007, 07:51 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ghoastgirl1
Point: You've lived in the same house for your entire life as have many of those kids,it is their safety zone but...you know you want a radical change in your life, showing you have some brains and desperately want to broaden your horizons.
In time I believe you will achieve your goal.
Sorry this was so long!
Goodluck hun!
No, my dad was military. Being military made it very difficult for me to make friends past 5th or 6th grade because that is when cliques start to form, and when you move to a new place, its difficult to penetrate.

I spent most of my teen years in a large city about 3 hours from here. My dad retired and decided he wanted to live in a rural area so we moved here. This is the reason I don't have high school friends to cling to as does everybody else.

Most people who go to a real college don't have this problem because everybody is mixed up and from different high schools in different towns maybe even in different states. At my school its not that way. There's virtually nobody from outside of the local high schools. As I have said, there is no college identity at my college, everybody identifies with their high school and will pretty much ONLY associate with people they graduated with.

Not only that, the people who attend my college are generally the low-lifes of the local high schools, who are too poor or too stupid to get into a good school. The more I think about it, the more I realize the mistake I made and how there is not much hope for this to get any better without me transferring.

Question is, think transferring is a justifiable option when I am on a scholarship with only a year left before graduation? What is getting me down is that I feel like if I can't make friends in college, I will never be able to.

I actually did see psychologists during my senior year of high school because of this exact same problem. They basically did nothing but tell me college was a whole different ball game and that I would be able to find people who would accept me for who I am and would be sure to find friends. People on websites, forums, etc seemed to say the same thing.

After all the hope I had for this time of my life that has been completely shattered, its hard to just say "it will be better in the future." Thats what everybody told me about college and look what happened. I don't want to go through the rest of my life completely alone!

Last edited by beedubaya; 01-09-2007 at 07:58 AM..
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Old 01-09-2007, 03:53 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Ohhh I didn't know you were from a military family.
My parents grew up poor but served in the USAF for 5 years to get their GI bills for college therefore they view it as a real luxury that they can afford to send their children to school as their parents could not.
Being in the military made it hard to make friends because you moved alot?
I don't understand your moving situation growing up, elaborate if you don't mind.
Did you move often? Or just a few times?
Often moving between places has a tremendous effect on the way children grow up and their social lives...
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Old 01-09-2007, 04:59 PM   #36 (permalink)
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gotta go soon, but have you thought of joining clubs that you aren't currently interested in? Just getting out and getting involved should be enough.

You say *most* of the people in college are locals - so who are the rest? Look for people you *don't* recognise in class/groups and see if you can strike up a conversation...

If people are ending relationships in the past - maybe you are trying too hard - and coming across as desperate/stalker material. Not sure how you stop it, but if you are calling people every five seconds that is creepy.

Sorry this was so short, but I'm literally running out the doo.....
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Old 01-09-2007, 06:16 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ghoastgirl1
Ohhh I didn't know you were from a military family.
My parents grew up poor but served in the USAF for 5 years to get their GI bills for college therefore they view it as a real luxury that they can afford to send their children to school as their parents could not.
Being in the military made it hard to make friends because you moved alot?
I don't understand your moving situation growing up, elaborate if you don't mind.
Did you move often? Or just a few times?
Often moving between places has a tremendous effect on the way children grow up and their social lives...
My dad was air force. I changed schools every 2 years my whole life, except for when I lived in Oklahoma City which I stayed for 4 years. I left OKC before my junior year of high school and finished the last 2 years here. The last time I actually had friends growing up was in 5th and 6th grade. Those were the best years of my life. I moved from that school in 7th grade and haven't had friends since. Its honestly hard to believe I'm a junior in college now and STILL haven't solved this problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by spindles
If people are ending relationships in the past - maybe you are trying too hard - and coming across as desperate/stalker material. Not sure how you stop it, but if you are calling people every five seconds that is creepy.
No, I'm not calling every 5 minutes. The only thing that I can see is I may come across as being a tad desperate, which I think naturally occurs since I don't have any friends and haven't had any in so long.

Last edited by beedubaya; 01-09-2007 at 06:22 PM..
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Old 01-25-2007, 06:53 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Well, the semester has started. Things are going as usual. It is clear that there is no hope for things to improve here. I'm left with 2 options.

#1. Tough it out here - I've dealt with 6.5 years of hell (high school and college). Hopefully I can make it through 1.5 more. However, that will be yet another 1.5 years of my life wasted having been spent totally miserable. After graduation I can go for my masters at a REAL college in a civilized area while working. Logically this option would be the best, but I dont know if I can emotionally take it.

#2. Give up my scholarship and transfer out. I would likely lose credits and most likely end up spending 2 more years in college instead of 1.5. Its hard for me to justify this financially, especially since it is a huge gamble with both my money, my future, and my happiness. However, if it worked out, I would not only have a better degree/education than what I'm getting here (my school is one of the absolute worst), I would be in a different, more diverse environment and may actually make friends. I may not be so lonely and therefore might be happy. I have no idea how I would afford to do this.
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Old 01-25-2007, 07:21 PM   #39 (permalink)
 
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How much is 1.5 years of your life's happiness worth to you?
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Old 01-25-2007, 07:36 PM   #40 (permalink)
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I've been lurking around this thread for awhile and I know I'm not really offering a solution here, but I'm posting to let you know that I feel your pain to an extent.

You see, I took the community college route after high school for two years, to get my associate's and transfer to where I am now, at Indiana State University in Terre Haute. I knew a few people at community college that I met in my classes and some that I knew from High School as well. Here, on the other hand, I know a grand total of maybe 6 or 7 people here tops, and they were people that I mostly knew from community college and high school. To add insult to injury, the times that I actually get to do stuff with them are few and far between.

In the dorms, I know they tell you to keep your door open while you're there, but no one does it here and no one really interacts with each other (on our floor anyway). So, pretty much all of my time outside of class is spent lounging around in my dorm room and as a result, this is one of the many reasons I go home every weekend. Furthermore, when I first moved in here, they had all of these activities set up for incoming freshmen so that could meet others, but nothing like that for transfer students at all. Man, if only I could've gone here straight out of high school....

As an additional note, Terre Haute (where my university is) is seriously boring as hell. The place for all means and purposes is out in the middle of nowhere and there's nothing to do really but hit up some of the local bars, but sadly, I can't do that as of yet since I don't turn 21 for another two or so months yet. That's also one of the many reasons that I go home on weekends, nothing to do here in town and it's not like I'd have anyone to hang out with either, since all of my friends are back in my hometown.

As for your situation, IMO, I don't think it would be a good idea to transfer to a different school at this point in time considering that as you stated, there's the possibility that many of your credits may not transfer and you'd have to go to school longer as a result. Personally, I'd say your best bet is to find a good school to get your master's at.

Good luck to you and I hope things improve for you in the near future.
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