Welcome. I want to answer your post in more detail later, but one line struck me and I wanted to respond with this immediately. You said you frequently think of suicide. Does your college have a counseling center? I highly, HIGHLY recommend that you get yourself in for an appointment, because as great as TFP is, we are still just strangers on the internet and we cannot sit there with you in your room. We are not professionals, though many of us mean well and we try to help as much as we can.
And if you think counseling is not the answer... please, consider the alternative. What do you have to lose? This is coming from someone who has been in counseling for several years, and recently filled a prescription for anti-depressant medications. I know the feelings you are having. You need to get help, and not just on the internet.
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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran
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