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josie · 12-27-2006, 10:59 PM

beedubaya - Do your parents realize the extent of your loneliness and that it's leading to thoughts of suicide? Maybe if they knew that, they'd be more flexible about what they will and won't open their minds to. (And I second what everyone else has said about that - please, please talk to someone and get professional help in terms of that).

What I hear you asking, under all the questions about how to make friends in college - is how to make friends in general- and since you've had such a hard time in highschool and now college, does that mean you'll never be able to?

It might just be where you live- honestly. I grew up somewhere where I just felt that I did not fit. I didn't have the same interests, mindsets, values, etc. The only friends I had in highschool were from my church youth group - we were an interesting bunch of pretty irreverent, rebellious non-religious kids who were thrown together because our parents made us go to church-so we just made the best of our enforced time together and actually had a lot of good times. But I didn't have any friends in school - and it was like someone on here said, I didn't want to fit in with those people anyway. I know it sounds arrogant, but I think it was more of a defense mechanism. I didn't think I could, so I convinced myself I didn't want to.

College was a whole different ball game, because I got the hell out. I went somewhere totally different, met totally different types of people and it opened up the whole world to me in terms of confidence, which translated into me being more attractive to other people as a friend.

Someone once said to me, when I was down and crying about not having any friends, or saying that the friends I did have didn't appreciate me- "Why don't you concentrate on being a good friend to them, instead of focusing only on what they should or could do for you?" That really struck me, and changed my whole modus operandi in terms of approaching people as friends.

There has to be someone else that you see in the library or the cafeteria who's always sitting alone, who might be as lonely as you are. Walk over and sit with them. Strike up a conversation about what they're reading. Be honest. Say something like, "I don't really know a lot of people here. Do you mind if I sit here?". And though you might get a strange look and they might say, "Yes, I mind"- I'd almost be willing to put money on the fact that they won't.

Can you get some kind of job where you live somewhere else for the summer? I spent a couple of summers waitressing out in Yellowstone, and met a lot of cool people that way. Again, I was shy. It was the hardest thing I ever made myself do to get on that bus by myself and face going out there to live for eight weeks with people I didn't know. But it worked out to be a couple of the best summers I ever had. You have to take risks to get rewards.

You sound like a nice person. You sound like you'd be a good friend. Don't give up. But don't keep beating your head against a brick wall either. Try some different approaches.

12-27-2006, 10:59 PM	#20 (permalink)
josie Upright Location: UK	beedubaya - Do your parents realize the extent of your loneliness and that it's leading to thoughts of suicide? Maybe if they knew that, they'd be more flexible about what they will and won't open their minds to. (And I second what everyone else has said about that - please, please talk to someone and get professional help in terms of that). What I hear you asking, under all the questions about how to make friends in college - is how to make friends in general- and since you've had such a hard time in highschool and now college, does that mean you'll never be able to? It might just be where you live- honestly. I grew up somewhere where I just felt that I did not fit. I didn't have the same interests, mindsets, values, etc. The only friends I had in highschool were from my church youth group - we were an interesting bunch of pretty irreverent, rebellious non-religious kids who were thrown together because our parents made us go to church-so we just made the best of our enforced time together and actually had a lot of good times. But I didn't have any friends in school - and it was like someone on here said, I didn't want to fit in with those people anyway. I know it sounds arrogant, but I think it was more of a defense mechanism. I didn't think I could, so I convinced myself I didn't want to. College was a whole different ball game, because I got the hell out. I went somewhere totally different, met totally different types of people and it opened up the whole world to me in terms of confidence, which translated into me being more attractive to other people as a friend. Someone once said to me, when I was down and crying about not having any friends, or saying that the friends I did have didn't appreciate me- "Why don't you concentrate on being a good friend to them, instead of focusing only on what they should or could do for you?" That really struck me, and changed my whole modus operandi in terms of approaching people as friends. There has to be someone else that you see in the library or the cafeteria who's always sitting alone, who might be as lonely as you are. Walk over and sit with them. Strike up a conversation about what they're reading. Be honest. Say something like, "I don't really know a lot of people here. Do you mind if I sit here?". And though you might get a strange look and they might say, "Yes, I mind"- I'd almost be willing to put money on the fact that they won't. Can you get some kind of job where you live somewhere else for the summer? I spent a couple of summers waitressing out in Yellowstone, and met a lot of cool people that way. Again, I was shy. It was the hardest thing I ever made myself do to get on that bus by myself and face going out there to live for eight weeks with people I didn't know. But it worked out to be a couple of the best summers I ever had. You have to take risks to get rewards. You sound like a nice person. You sound like you'd be a good friend. Don't give up. But don't keep beating your head against a brick wall either. Try some different approaches.