Bunnybear

Sorry I haven't introduced myself. I'm 20, female, from the UK.
I have a small.. well more than small... and more than one problem.

For one, this forum is fantastic. All the women here respect eachother and give their honest opinion. You all should give yourselves a big pat on the back.

Now, onto my weird problems. I'm a bit shy, so work with me here.

Some info first: I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years(known him for over 4). He's dated 4 girls before me, he's my first boyfriend. I'm still a virgin, he is not.

I recently went on his computer and found porn in his favorites and cookies. It's understandable, but it really bothers me. I met him online and before we met, we used to talk over the mic all day. And sometimes we would uh.. masturbate together... and I used to hear clicking of his mouse, and he told me then that he never looked at porn. I believed him. There have been times where I couldn't do anything because family was around, but I wanted him to do stuff... and he said he didn't have me to motivate him so he needed porn, but claimed he knew none. So I found some for him.... didn't realize I was adding to his collection. This hurts.. because I feel that I am not enough or good enough so he has to resort to porn.
Ok, getting back to finding it. I confronted him and told him I was hurt that he lied to me etc. He told me he wouldn't look at it again (I knew he would, but I believed him anyway). A day later, I found some more in his cookies. He seems to masturbate every other morning or so before work... and this really bothers me. And he told me he would never look at it again, I was really upset.. I was holding back tears. Today I checked his comp and he has everything set to not save. No cookies, no temp files, no history... so I know he's still using it. I find it disrespectful to me that he looks at naked women and orgasms from it.

I need you guys to help me get past this because alot of you don't seem bothered and I don't want to be bothered anymore.

I'm pretty self concious and insecure. If he says someone on tv is pretty, I will get jealous and feel even worse about myself. It doesn't stay with me long, but it does for that moment.

I'm trying really hard to not be jealous over these rather stupid things, so I'm hoping for advice on that part.

The other night we were in bed fooling around... he got me off and so I wanted to return the favor... and he didn't want to. I've never felt so rejected in my life... he never lets me get him off. He seems to prefer porn and his hand... I told him this. He said it wasn't true and that he just wasn't in the mood. So instead, he'd sleep with a hard on til it dies down when he's asleep.

I feel like he looks at porn because I won't have sex with him. I'm afraid of sex because of something that has happened to me in the past. But I've been getting closer and closer to going all the way because I want him to get off. I feel like forcing myself just for his sake and I know that's wrong.

I have an idea of what it'll feel like.. but it's the pain I am worried about, it was different then too. So I'm curious.. does it hurt for the first time? How badly and for how long?

I have talked to him about this stuff and he tells me that I am wrong. He told me looks at porn because he needs to get off too. But everytime I want to, he doesn't.

Gilda

First, do not have sex with him until you are sure that you are ready. You can help him get off in other ways without having sexual intercourse.

Porn should be a problem only if he's choosing the porn over you. If he's using it only when he's not with you, and he doesn't avoid contact with you to use the porn, it shouldn't be a problem.

Have you considered looking at the porn with him? I don't know if it's your cup of tea, and if it's not, that's ok, but you did say you found some for him. It might be a way for you to bridge the gap. If it is, maybe you could find some that appeals to you, and enjoy it together.

As for the first time question, yes, it's going to hurt. Minimize this by making sure that he takes his time and that you are well lubricated; it'll minimize the discomfort. If you don't lubricate well enough on your own, there's no shame in using something to help out.

The amount of pain will vary. I'm sure someone will be along soon to share her experiences with this.

maleficent

I have a few questions

1. When you found the cookies on his computer, how'd you go about finding them? Were you snooping? Cookies aren't exactly out in the open, and unless you are explicitly looking for them, you aren't going to. (Favorites are out on the open, s o that's not really snooping.) Why were you snooping?

2. When he's lied to you about the porn, and you wanted to beleive him, but your instincts told you otherwise why did you not call him on the lies?
looking at porn is not a big deal, and it's not something you should be jealous of, but lying about something so trivial bothers me... Is he lying to spare your feelings?

How to not be jealous over trivial stuff? Not always easy just remember that the women in those pictures are airbrushed and professional and also paper, You are a living breathing woman ... real beats paper any day of the week.

Him not wanting to have sex might just be that - he was tired... or just not in the mood. Have you ever been able to bring him to orgasm? Have you asked him what he likes - and what he wants you to do?

Gildas right on with don't have sex until you are ready... You dont sound like you are ready -- don't have sex just because you think it's what he wants... It shoudl be because you want it for you...

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Manuel Hong

Men masterbate. It's like breathing or crapping. Some men use porn to get the juices flowing, so to speak. It's very rarely a cause for concern, but society and religion often make us feel like it's bad, so we get insecure or ashamed...hence your discomfort and his need to hide it from you. Unless he's really foolish and immature, he's not comparing you to the 2 dimensional images. He's been with you for two years and you haven't had sex with him and he's still there and obviously delights in getting you off. It's not meant as rejection when he won't let you get him off. Maybe you should communicate to him how much it would please you to get him off and ask him what he likes.
If you aren't ready to have sex, don't. You say that something happened to you that makes you uncomfortable about it. Would you be willing to work this out in counseling?

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Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)

Janey

my hubby masturbates all the time. But when I ask him if he does, he gets all sheepish. and sort of unconvincingly denies it. some times he will heartily state that he does it all the time in the shower. Daily. So. It like manuel says. But they are taught from kids to be ashamed of the act, just like picking your nose. or farting. Everybody does it, but nobody admits to it willingly.

Unless you two masturbate together, then its kind of participatory foreplay. But I know that I would have a hard time admitting to him that I masturbate by myself too.

Just not as much as he does.

abaya

I'll start by saying COUNSELING IS GREAT! For your own sake, and also for the sake of your relationship, please look into it... and feel no shame because of it. I respect people more if they tell me they go to counseling, since I truly believe EVERYONE needs to go, but few admit to it. (And yep, I'm a counseling regular.)

Damn, my bf and I get excited to tell each other that we masturbated (living 3 hours apart). "Guess what I did last night, honey?"... I think we are just glad that the other person is having a good time. Hearing about his masturbation turns me on, and vice versa.

However, even that attitude has taken a LONG time to develop. Having spent my former life in a Christian setting, I can tell you that it took quite a while for me to loosen up... to sex, porn, and everything else. I will echo everyone else and say DO NOT HAVE SEX until you can imagine looking in the mirror the next morning and thinking, "Yes, that was for ME, that was my decision and I am very glad that I waited and did it with this person." Believe me, I screwed that one up pretty bad myself my first time... don't do that to yourself.

And for when you finally do it, whether with this guy or someone else... whether it hurts, I think depends on the person. Do you use tampons? Do you masturbate a lot (putting your fingers way up there)? Maybe you have a vibrator or dildo (I recommend trying a small one)? If you do any of the above, your hymen may already be stretched a bit and it might not hurt. However, I know some girls for whom it hurt a lot, and they bled... and really, a lot of that had to do with the guy. If the girl wasn't totally convinced of her decision, and if the guy wasn't absolutely careful and gentle and took everything as slowly as possible, then that can increase the pain factor much more (due to not knowing how to relax, which comes with time... heh, pun intended). I actually didn't hurt that much the first few times, but my brain started freaking out, I think, and it woud hurt a little every time (right when he slid in) for several months... until I could finally let go. And I definitely recommend lube... absolutely no shame there, everyone needs it at some time or another and it certainly can't hurt to try, even if you don't end up needing it.

And porn? Hell I don't know what to say there. I completely understand the feelings you have when he watches it... I used to feel that way too, insecure and inadequate and jealous. However I had quite a few discussions with my bf about this and over time came to realize that porn is NOT reality, and that for the most part, most guys don't expect porn and reality to match up (I say most: if you are dating one who does think that way, then find out fast and get out). My bf works pretty hard to make sure I know that I'm sexy, all the time... and I know he means it. So I've learned to separate the porn from the real thing... heck, I've become an advocate for us to watch porn together to get turned on... who would have thought!

Anyway sorry this is so long, hope it was helpful... this is a good place to talk about this stuff. Btw how old are you, and how old is he?... you don't have to say, but it gives me a better idea of where you're at.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Manuel Hong

abaya, well said! You are a good sister!

__________________
Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)

Gilda

That first reply was a bit terse, and I didn't take the time to read carefully enough, so I'm going to do so with a bit more thought here.

These aren't weird problems, they're normal ones. Most women deal with very similar things at some time in their lives.

It's what he does when he's with you, and how he treats you that's important. Don't go digging for dirt unless you want to find some. We all have secrets we want to hide.

He's with you when he's admiring those women on tv, not with them. He may enjoy looking at them, but he chooses to be with you. There must be something about you that is worthwhile if you are the one he chose.


Look at what you wrote here. He got you off first. He put giving you pleasure ahead of getting it himself. I think that's probably a rare thing.

As to the second part that does seem a little strange. If it's a pattern, he may have a problem, but it would be his problem, not yours. It's not your job to fix him by having sex with him, which probably wouldn't work anyway.

Good, you know that's wrong, and you need to realize it won't change his behavior even if you do. He's still going to look at the porn, and he's still going to masturbate. If that really bothers you that much this might not be the right guy for you, or you might need more time to make sure.

I'll let the others talk about first times. I was a lot younger than you and it was a very unpleasant experience, one I'm not ready to talk about outside of therapy, and this isn't about me anyway.

If he won't ever let you get him off, this might be a problem. A healthy sexual relationship between two people should involve the giving and recieving of physical affection of varying levels. Sex usually follows a gradual escalation, allowing the partners to gradually learn about each other. Jumping to sex without going through the intermediate levels might be a mistake.

Talk to him about it. Ask him why he won't let you get him off. This seems a bit off to me; during the brief time I was sexually involved with guys, they seemed to prefer oral sex, and would be happy with a hand job pretty much any time. Then again, I've never had a fulfilling relationship with a man, so you should take my advice with a grain of salt.

*Nikki*

Let me start by saying EVERY man does this. Any man who says otherwise is lying.

The worst thing you can possibly do to yourself is take it personal. It is not a personal issue. Men are visual creatures who need/want sex a lot. The easy way for them to feel good and destress is to masturbate to porn.

I guess I am not really one to talk though because I think I masturbate to porn more then my fiance does. However I would much rather him be doing that then masturbating over someone he actually knows.

It is normal, trust me.

hunnychile

Nikki is right, All men masturbate and it's not a bad thing & a reason to worry.

You seem uncomfortble in this relationship...are you trying to remain a virgin for any particular reason? You two seem so very out of synch and that might be a cause for concern. It seems like you'd be happier with a virgin guy, so you could share this learning/loving process together. Don't loose "it" for the wrong reason. Find a way to share this truth with your boyfriend. If it isn't easy to share, in truth, be open to other possibilities. It's good that you are discussing this -it's a huge leap toward your own personal strength and wisdom.

Listen to your heart.

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"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

Bunnybear

Thank you all for your advice.

I'm feeling a bit better about the porn thing.... but I still feel the need to search his comp.
Oh and someone mentioned if I was snooping... well not at first, no. I downloaded spybot and used it and it found sextrackers in his registry and cookies. So I went and had a look and all these @porn sites were everywhere.

I'm 20 and he is now 26. I don't want anyone but him.

As for counselling: I've been in counselling since I was 13 and I have recently stopped when I moved here.
When it comes to sexual stuff, I have a hard time getting serious, and if I were to get serious, I'm afraid I'll freak out on him. We've been together for a little over 2 years (dating) and I have yet to really kiss him. When it comes to it, I start laughing and I know it's because I'm nervous but that ruins the mood.

He knows about my past and I think for some reason, that's why he won't let me do stuff to him. I could do something and ask how it feels and he would say "like nothing". And so I feel like a failure.
His reason for not letting me do stuff to him is that he doesn't want to make a mess... but he has no problems making a mess at his computer. That sorta thing is what upsets me.

The reason I haven't had sex with him is because I fear the pain, there are nights I want it more than anything and just don't cause I don't want to feel the pain. I have never used tampons, or fingered myself or used any sort of toy. He would prefer me not do the latter, as it makes him uncomfortable for whatever reason. Since my past, I dislike my bits. I won't touch it with my own hands unless I am washing/shaving. If I masturbate, it's through clothes, cause I just can't touch it. The thought of something going up there makes me squimish. I hated going to the OB-GYN for this reason.. it was not only painful, but that whole squimish thing would kick in.

I probably contradicted myself somewhere in there... but it's because I sat here thinking about it as I typed this up.

As for the porn: He's against me using other things(I used to use a teddybear..) to pleasure myself with. He doesn't like it, so I don't do it... even when he's not home or around to see it, I just won't do it. I feel the same about porn, and he still does it. ._. I also cannot reach without his help, I never could.

I understand from reading other threads that it's good he focuses on getting me off.... but my focus is getting him off.. and he never lets me so I have never gotten him off.


I really need to hear more first time experiences, it'd put my mind at ease, should I make another thread?

maleficent

Why does he not like you using toys?

He doesn't like making a mess? Keep a towel near the bed.... that excuse just seems strange to me, that there are some deeper issues there with him and not you at all. What's his sexual history?

The fact that you don't like your 'bits' is very concerning,there's a lot there to love and to give you pleasure. They aren't dirty or bad. Has the counseling you've had helped you much? maybe a different therapist?

It's good that he's patient with you... Have y'all talked about what you really want out of the relationship?

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Bunnybear

He wants to be the one giving me pleasure, so if something were to replace his 'job', he gets a bit jealous.

I've had 3 therapists, nothing can really help me, only I can help myself, talking about it just makes it worse, I've been alot better now than when I was seeing a therapist once a week to talk about it.

I don't know much about his sexual history, from what I know it's all normal stuff. He finds the end result of his orgasm disgusting so I guess that could be why. I've never even seen/felt/tasted cum before because he just doesn't do that stuff around me.

I just want to get him off. It feels so one-sided. He gets me off and it ends there. He'd have a massive boner and just not touch or let me touch and go to sleep. Or if I were to touch or attempt to do anything, everything I do doesn't feel good. I'm not sure if I can do the whole head thing. In my head, oral sex is a huge turn on.... but I'm afraid I'll be awful or he'll compare me to his past girlfriends (in his head, not to my face). Last time I begged him to let me get him off and he just said no, and I got so upset, I rolled over to the other side of the bed and stayed there trying not to cry. I talked to him about it and his reason was that he didn't want to make a mess. He could've used my shirt or whatever, I'll sleep shirtless. He just... doesn't want to.

So I think of stupid crap.. like he's not attracted to me, or he wishes I was someone else etc.
I think my shyness/insecurity is what's killing everything.

Edit: Also, there has been times where he let me do stuff, and it'd have a positive effect on him and he would lose his boner. I think I turn him off or something.

maleficent

I'm trying not to sound mean here, and I really don't intend for it to come out that way - -but there's really only one way I can say this.

This sounds like such an unhealthy relationship. His sexual hangups are having an negative effect on you. You are correct, that it's up to you to get yourself better, and with his hangups, it sounds like that's not going to happen because it's created so many doubts in your head.

Do you want to be with him because after two years, he hasn't pushed you into anything, and isn't making any demands on you? What positive things are you getting out of this relationship and where do you see it going?

Do you know if he's actually had healthy sexual relationships with other women. Does he have any erectile dysfunction issues? Sometimes a man can ejaculate masturbating, but will have a tough time maintaining an erection with a woman, and it might be easier to make excuses (don't want to make a mess) than to actually face the problem. (Condoms could contain the mess)

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uptown

All this talk about why we shouldn't feel inadequate because a guy "chooses" to be with us instead of the gorgous women he's eyeing on tv,magazines,in porn or on the street.

Did it ever occur to anybody that a guy has only "choosen" us till he can do better and that igf he had a shot at a woman of that calibre of beauty that most of us would get dumped so fast our heads would spin?

abaya

Bunnybear, there seems to be a lot of issues between you and your bf; it seems that you each have a particular sexual history that really needs to get aired out. Over the past two years have you each talked openly about your pasts? And I mean details, feelings, insecurities, everything. Honesty and communication are REALLY important for having that kind of emotional intimacy, which is even more important than your physical intimacy. And what about offering to get him off in the shower? That way he has no excuse, as it just washes down the drain. I find his behavior actually very abnormal. If you tell him that his behavior makes you feel unloved and insecure, what does he say? He should be affirming you, not making you feel awkward.

And Uptown, I'm sorry, but you are not helping with your comment. I don't know how else to ask this, but please, please, please don't bring your own anger and bitterness into an already difficult situation. This whole forum is about becoming more positive and confident. I'm curious, do you post in places where guys can respond to your comments (not Ladies Lounge)? I'm absolutely positive that there are MANY men who stay with who they chose because they actually love that person, not because they can't "do better," and I know that they'd be glad to talk about why on TFP. God, I just can't imagine what kind of shitty relationships you've been through or are suffering through right now... I wish you would tell us about them instead of just being negative. I'd find it so much easier to talk with you then.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

uptown

Ever been with a guy who can't orgasm with you much of the time no matter what you do but then you hear he's got no problem getting off on porn or in the past with other women ?

I can understand how the OP feels, after awhile it erodes your self-confidence away till you feel like a total nothing.

sexymama

I am not inadequate! (Neither is any other woman on this forum!) My guy married me. We are VERY happy! And he still looks at porn and masturbates -- so what!? So do I! We are together because we don't want any other. Sex for sex and sex for love are two different things. Porn is the first. Thankfully we have a good mix of both!

__________________
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

sexymama

Bunnybear, I am keeping you in my thoughts and sending you positive energy. You have a lot going on! It sounds like there are two people in your relationship that need help dealing with their sexuality and sexual backgrounds. Please do not take on the entire burden. Your bf obviously has his own hangups. Have you thought about couples sex therapy? At the very least, couples counseling in which you 100% honestly deal with the reality of both your pasts and your current relationship. No one on this forum, no matter how good our intentions, is going to be able to help you. I believe you already know that.

Other suggestions -- maybe not as "harsh" or "severe" are: 1. Ask him to allow you to watch him maturbate (even to porn) so that you can see how to better please him. Watch a few times, then join in. This may help you learn how to please him better -- how much pressure he likes, how fast to stroke, etc. 2. Be "live porn" for him. Ask him to take pictures of you. Pose for him. Give him you to masturbate too (because he is going to do it.) 3. Stroke or suck him while he is masturbating you. 4. Let him know, through your praise, how much you LOVE touching him! Tell him what is attractive about him and his sexuality! 5. Talk to him -- you both need to be honest with each other.

__________________
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

JustJess

My heart hurts so much after reading this. Bunnybear, please, listen to maleficent and the other girls - please talk to a counselor that can help. if you've been going to the same one without feeling a sense of progress, find someone new. Your BF needs plenty of counseling too.
It's understandable that you want to stay with him if you care about him this much, but please get yourselves help before he hurts you any further. I am sure he doesn't intend to hurt you, but he is because of his own hurts.
In my very very very humble opinion... it's usually not a good idea to be in a romantic relationship, especially a sexual one, if you cannot stand your own self. I'm so sorry if that sounds harsh to hear... not that I think you have to be alone either... it sounds like you have far more than your fair share of pain. I too have had things in the past that caused pain, but I want you to know that those cycles of problems can be broken. I will be wishing you lots of energy and love and strength to be able to handle it.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

lindseylatch

I second (or fifth?) the idea of a couselor, especially since you mentioned a previous experience that was painful.
DO NOT force yourself to have sex. You'll be nervous, which will make it an even worse experience, and you'll regret it.
That is strange that he'll get off on porn, but not with you. Maybe he feels that it would "cheapen" your relationship if you get him off, like he's using you like he uses the porn. Perhaps he wants it to be a more mutual thing. Have you tried getting each other off at the same time? Perhaps he would be better with that. I know my guy has a problem if I get off first, or if I can't at all, and I tell him to go ahead and finish.
If you're really worried about pain, you could go to a gynocologist. They can take a look, and see if your hymen is large or small, and can perhaps do something to help break it (like inserting a speculum). Also, they can tell if you might be super tight due to your trauma of before.
I don't like the lying about the porn, but a lot of women would be more upset about the porn than about the lying, and maybe he thinks you're one of those. Maybe sit him down and explain that you feel inadequate when he looks at porn instead of letting you get him off, and that you feel upset when he lies to you (or some variation that is more accurate).
Wow, I was going to make this all short, cause I sometimes skim the longer posts, and I didn't want that to happen...Oh, well.
Hope the advice here helps!!

__________________
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
-Voltaire

pinkie

There are three things that stand out and bother me about what you have said:

1) He lies to you. -- Completely unacceptable.

2) He denies you pleasure with toys because from what you describe he is jealous of the toys? -- Again, completely unacceptable and selfish!

3) He uses guilt as a weapon against you, in return making you experience shame. -- Outrageous!!

He should respect the fact that him looking at porn makes you feel uncomfortable, and respect you enough to actually refrain, compromise, and for God's sake not LIE!

He should never ever ever lie to you about anything.

He should want to make you feel good and allow you to use toys (or teddy, how cute!!) if you like them without making you feel guilt and shame about it, in short being a total hypocrite!

Demeter

pinkie tells it like it is.

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I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

JustJess

Agreed, Pinkie - completely agreed.
Please don't let this guy hurt you anymore, Bunnybear, whether he means to or not.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

snowy

I completely agree with what pinkie had to say. His treatment of you and denial of your sexuality is despicable. Every woman deserves to be in a relationship with a man who is open, honest, caring, and capable of enjoying his woman's sexuality. It sounds as if this guy is none of those things.

Get thee to a counselor--don't stay with a bad relationship because it's comfortable, and also, don't use sex as a band-aid for pre-existing problems.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau