ElwoodBlues

Not sure if this belongs in sexuality or not....has to do with relationships, so I guess so....

So about two months ago, I did a very stupid thing. I had a girlfriend, and I kissed another girl. We broke up under horrible circumstances, and I haven't seen her since. I don't want to get too much into the story, but rather into where I am now

For the two months I could distract myself with school, and friends, but now I can't. I saw her the other night, and we hung out, and everything just came back. All my feelings for her, all the happy memories. And I realized just how stupid I was (even though I already realized I was very stupid) and I realized just how much I missed her and want to be with her again.

This morning I saw her around 4, and tried to talk to her. I told her how much I missed her, and wanted another chance, and basically poured my heart out. We were together for almost a year and a half, and being without her just seems foreign and weird to me.

She told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore. She also managed to poke in that she's now involved with someone new. Which made me feel even worse, because I know who it is. It's some guy who she works with, who always had feelings for her, and in the middle of our relationship he kissed her, and she never told me about it, until several months later.

All this has just piled up, and I don't know how to deal with it all. I can't stand the thought of never being with her again. I've been a complete mess. Smoking way too much, crying way too much, almost crashed into a telephone pole after I saw her (not purposely). I've had these massive fits of rage, smashing things, punching walls till my hand goes numb, and screaming so long and hard I start vomiting. No one here knows me too well, but all those things are extremely uncharacteristic of me.

So I come to my beloved TFP for help and advice. I know I may be a bit melodramatic right now, and making too big a deal of this, but right now it is how I feel, and I can't help that. So I ask for any help, advice, or comments on how to get past this, stop thinking about, and stop feeling like absolute shit.

Thanks in advance

__________________
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

Acetylene

Dang, man, get yourself a therapist. Screaming so hard you start vomiting is an extreme physical reaction, and you have passed the 2-month "normal" grief period. Talk therapy is what you need. If you're still in school (don't know your age) you can get free counseling at most schools and colleges; otherwise, ask your insurance company for a recommendation so it doesn't get too pricey and you can afford to see your therapist as often and as long as you need.

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There's no justice. There's just us.

f6twister

Agreed. Unless you can realize on your own that this relationship is not going to restart right now and can deal with that on your own, a therapist is a necessity. You both kissed someone else which tells me you both had some doubts about your current situation. While you have determined that your kiss was in error, it doesn't appear that she feels the same way. You can try fighting but I don't think that will help. You may be better off letting her explore this other relationship. That doesn't mean that you will get her back but she has already told you she isn't interested in renewing the relationship.

I really think your best bet is to just be her friend and move on in the love department. If and when she is ready to renew the relationship, she will let you know. Until then, exlore your options as well.

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A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin

Charlatan

Here the deal... You fucked up. You know it. She has moved on and now you need to as well.

Your rage and tears, etc. are just the guilt you feel.

It is going to be tough but you really just need to move on (I know it isn't simple but it is the answer). You need to just swallow your guilt and move on. One of the best ways to do this is to avoid seeing her altogether. You might be able to be friends with her in the future but for the next one to six months stay away... You need to stay away because everytime you see her your guild will rise to the surface again....

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

ratbastid

There's no such thing as a "normal 2 month grief period". You're mourning a relationship here. That's not something that follows a simple downhill trajectory. Feelings will come and go. The only trick is to let them come and go. Wherever you are, however shitty it is in the moment, is appropriate and fine.

Vincentt

it sounds like it sucks.

But, don't blaim yourself. Even if you didn't kiss that girl, she was all making out with him anyway. It was doomed.

Best to move on, and if you are going to punch stuff. Join a martial art.
I think that would help you clear your mind, plus you can get into some shape

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zen_tom

Yeah, I second that - channel your anger into some kind of physical activity - run, box, join a martial arts class, ride - do something that you can push all of this strong emotion into. It will help you get over it and it will make you into a stronger person both physically and mentally.

superredhead

get involved in something (sports, hobbies, museums and the like) and focus all that energy on something that you will benefit from. almost obsessing over something that will not be at this current point in time isnt really healthy and will cause your other priorities and obligations to be pushed to the wayside. focus on yourself and perhaps moving beyond this onto bigger and better things. there are 6 billion people in this world.... find someone you can truly be happy with.

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*yawn*

Vincentt

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skier

This is all I'm going to say, and I don't know if it'll apply to you or not, because it's just been personal experience....

Emotion is a raw and powerful force, but it's blind. You have it in you to be mindful of your emotions and free yourself from being controlled by your feelings. You are not a passive agent to be thrown about by the situations you find yourself in. You may not be able to control others or the world around you, but you can always control yourself. Increase your self-awareness and look inwards.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

abaya

As usual, I agree that ratbastid speaks the truth. I think I had about a 2 YEAR grief period on the last major relationship... and I didn't care if that was "abnormal," because that's simply how long it took me to get him out of my system.

Granted, I wasn't throwing up or smashing walls, but I think you'd better give yourself some serious time and distance to just fucking HURT, because sadly, that is all you will be able to feel for a while. That doesn't mean you should hurt yourself or others, though. PLEASE see a therapist... many of us have been there (me too).

The good part is that yes, over time, it DOES change. You change. And then one day you wake up and start to realize that it just throbs, instead of a stabbing pain... and then later it becomes a dull ache... and then eventually, it's a healed scar. Take the time to feel the whole process, though. Don't force it down into yourself, don't try to escape from it.

And, someone already said this, but don't be her friend. Don't even try. Completely avoid her if at all possible; no communication, no seeing her, no asking mutual friends about her. It is absolutely necessary for cleaning out the emotional pipes. It takes at least 6 months to do this, usually longer...

We're here for you, and we've been there in the same place.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Disk_Pusher

For me, personally, talk therapy has never worked really well. I get ANGRY, and sitting there discussing it just doesn't do it. You have to let the feelings go, but that can be really difficult because, I know, anger, be it at yourself or others, doesn't just walk off and leave you be when it's told to. It festers. It makes you crazy.

Get into something physical. When my girlfriend (my first relationship with another girl) dumped me, I began to run. Every time I thought about her, thought about how I ruined things between us (and that's the truth - our breakup was without a doubt, my fault.) I would run. I got up to running 2 miles straight, something my asmatic ass had never been able to do, but the emotions can give you energy.

I don't know - that was just my solution. Whatever happens, I hope you find something that helps, and if it makes you feel better, I've been there before.

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Some people push the envelope - I push the disk!

bouray

A therapist is a viable option but, for some people it may not work...my advice is alot like what some others have said: Find a new hobby or activity to get involved in...that will accomplish 2 things: it can get your mind off of your old relationship and you can meet a whole new group of people that will not remind you of your old flame.
Just my 2cents

ElwoodBlues

Well, I've been out for the past 6 hours, driving around, talking to friends, and I calmed down a bit.

Shortly after I made my initial post I found out she was very involved with this guy, and already sleeping with him.

I'm still upset, but I realized that I broke up with her. She has no obligation to me, she can fuck whoever the hell she wants.

I'm in a bit of a bitter stage right now. But I'm feeling better. I always had my suspicions when we were going out anyways. The fact that she hid that this guy kissed her was a big trust breaker.

There was also an occasion when we hadn't had sex for about a month, and when we finally did, something felt like I was the only one who hadn't gotten laid in a month, if you catch my drift.

And the fact that she was so quick to start fucking him after we broke up leaves me more than just a bit suspect.

So in short. I'm still pretty damn upset by the whole ordeal. But I'm no longer shaking and stuttering, and having violent outbursts.

I see alot of people have said to take up some physical activity. Personally I'm not a very active person, but I might consider starting to run.

__________________
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

Sage

Man, start some new things! You've been in one place in your life for a while now (with the same girl) and now the wonderful Universe has shown you what a bad idea it would have been to have stayed with this girl. So, take a deep breath, and realize that now is your time to grow as a person. Yeah, it's going to hurt sometimes, but that will quickly be allieveated by the knowledge that this girl obviously didn't love you or respect you like you thought. That hurts, but it's easier to get over that (IMHO) than someone just falling out of love with you for no particular reason. SO, buck up, go have some fun with your buddies, exercise (or find a new hobby), and let everything flow naturally. If you still feel wierd after about a week or so, go talk to a counselor (different than a thearapist), because they're really really good at suggesting courses of action for you to take that will help you recharge yourself mentally. Good luck

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Janey

I second Sage. look at this as a chance to try something new. did you ever wish you could just go out and do something without having to consider your gf (now your ex)? Now you can. You can associate freely. Your pain isn't going to go away soon. Maybe not for years. but it will get duller.

what about the girl you kissed? there must have been a reason... is she refreshing? cute? a change?

Looks like your ex ws just looking for any excuse to move on and didn't have the guts to do it without one. so go out and have fun. don't look for a replacement (rebound is unfair to both parties) Just go out and be what you are, and if you are a likeable person, somebody will be attracted to you (your mission: to see how long it takes/and who it is...). remember, you were living a life before you met your ex, so there's no reason why you can't continue to do so..

ElwoodBlues

Well, I'm trying to build up the energy to go into work. I work in a factory, 6PM-6AM.

I'm relatively calmed down now. I still keep thinking about it, and my stomach has been queasy non-stop all day. Once in a while I kinda relapse into my state this morning and start stuttering and having little ticks. I think I'm just going through a mental breakdown of some sort.

If this keeps up for more than I couple days I think I'll look into seeing a therapist of some sort.

__________________
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

Acetylene

Getting involved in activities is totally a must, as has been said.

In the following, I'm going to use CAPS to improve clarity and "qoute marks" to indicate doctor language (like "hernia")--just to clarify so no one thinks I'm shouting

About the "2 month grief" thing I mentioned--I did NOT mean that, after an arbitrary length of time, you should be perfectly fine and happy. Sorrow persists, often for a lifetime. What I meant was that, similar to the 2 WEEK time necessary to define a "major depressive episode", 2 months is the clinical definition of the length of time for grief and mourning to DISRUPT DAILY ACTIVITY. The word "greiving" refers, for doctors, to the time when your pain is disruptive to your regular life.

Sorrow may persist for years but it should not cause illness, missed work, distorted irrational thoughts, etc. past the 2 month point. After this point is when the psychologist will consider it "excessive" and recommend therapy to help you get along until the grief has run its course. All I meant was, he meets the textbook definition of a CONDITION called "excessive grief" and could receive treatment for it if he so desired.

I'm very sorry if this sounds like I'm disparaging anyone's feelings, because I meant to discuss it, like depression, as a treatable medical issue with specific signs and symptoms. I still weep over my dog who died three and a half years ago, but I don't consider myself to be grieving in a formal sense of the word--I can do my work, go to school, and get up in the morning without wondering if I'd be better off if I stayed in bed until I died.

Elwood, I'd actually recommend you make the appointment to see a therapist right away because you probably won't be able to see them until next week. They usually have busy calendars and you don't want to wait until you are in a worse crisis. If you recover on your own in the next few days, you can always cancel the appointment.

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There's no justice. There's just us.

ElwoodBlues

So, I ended up going into work last night. When I got there I told him I hadn't slept for 30 hours, or been able to keep food down for 24. I said I didn't want to call in because it was only my second week, but he said it was ok, and told me to go home and get some rest.

I walked out, and my head was such a mess that I couldn't find my own damn car. I walked by it twice, no joke.

I'm no longer having all these physiological effects, but I still feel like my head is a bit of a mess. I was able to sleep last night, that was good.

I'm still not really sure how to handle it. I've tried making myself angry at her, then I get sad. I tried blocking her and cutting off communication, but found myself wanting to talk to her.

I've been spending the last couple hours trying to destroy everything she ever gave me. I don't know why, but it's not just enough for me to get rid of them. I need to destroy them. I already burned a necklace she made me, and some pictures. I'm having trouble with this ring though. It's really solid.

I think I'm gonna try to watch a movie, get my mind off it.

__________________
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

abaya

This is normal. You ARE handling it. Sometimes life is really sad. Sometimes you will feel angry. Sometimes you will want so very badly to just talk to her. It's okay to FEEL these things... you have to let them run through you, let them run their full course and bulldoze your soul for a while. But while you feel things deeply, do not let them control you. Don't call her. Feel the pain of not calling her, but don't give in to it. It sucks. But it's better that way, in my experience.

I apologize if I'm the most depressing person on this thread, and maybe I don't have good advice to give. But I honestly think there's little you can do to "escape" this shit. You just have to go through it. Activities and rebound girls might get your mind off it, but you won't learn what you need to learn from the situation in the long run if you just stuff the pain away deep inside. The most valuable thing from all this... it's not about having her, but what you have learned about yourself from being with her, and then losing that relationship and becoming a stronger person through dealing with it.

That's all I've ever learned from the pain... because we all lose each other, even when people have the perfect marriage, etc... either through breaking up, divorce, or death. We all gotta learn how to grieve. So you are going through something very normal, and we are here for you. Remember that you are not alone.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Disk_Pusher

I think you've got a very realistic view on things Abaya, I wouldn't call it depressing. Truth be told, I don't think running until I was incapable of thought (and a few times, incapable of walking the next day) was a very healthy way to deal with things. I wish I had more tallent in dealing with my own emotions.

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Some people push the envelope - I push the disk!

ElwoodBlues

Well, I think I'm starting to get a little better

I worked all week, which helped get my mind off it. Now that I'm not working, it's starting to get a little worse.

I was driving around trying to calm down a bit and get my mind off things. Smoke a few butts and relax, and as I was driving, I saw her. FUCK. No fun.

I tried exercising, but it didn't work too well. I guess only time will tell.

__________________
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

Seeker

abaya.. well said and totally true..

This is what life is also about, we shouldn't change these things or try to fix them. Sink into them and get to know them, it's all a part of it.

And yes, we are all here to support you while you go through this ElwoodBlues. Best wishes...

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

tecoyah

Something to think about.....and May help. You may have been the Catalyst but, she seems to have been waiting to end the relationship. You say she left because of a kiss, Yet she did the same thing and hid it for some time. This to me, says she was waiting for the opportunity to leave and feel good about herself when doing so. I would be quite happy (after the mandatory grief of loss) to be free of this......but that is just me.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

ElwoodBlues

As always tec, your word are sensible and wise.

However, technically, I left her. One of those little technicalities which I didn't want to get into in this thread were the exact terms of us ending. After I kissed this girl, I knew I'd done wrong, and felt horribbly, and for almost a week I couldn't decide what to do.

Every single person I talked to, without fail, said I should just end the relationship but not tell her why, saying that things were going bad anyways, and just ending it would hurt her less than telling her I cheated on her. And I didn't want to hurt her, because she had me wrapped around her manipulative little finger.

So I ended up breaking up with her, saying I was unhappy and just wanted to end it. She kept bothering me for about a week after that saying it didn't make sense, and I was so used to just being brutally honest in our relationship that not telling her was driving me nuts, so I finally told her the truth.

I have, however, come to many realizations now that the relationship is over, and what you've said here is just one of them.

Thanks again.

__________________
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

ratbastid

abaya speaks the truth too!

I'd go so far as to say it's more than ok. It's important you feel these things. Look, it happens all the time that people lose something big in their life--a relationship, a loved one, a job maybe--and they go dead. When people tell you their story of loss, there's often this deadness to them, a flatness of affect and voice. Life becomes about getting the next thing, but it's hopeless because that one is going to go the same way. Just totally self-anesthetized against their feelings, and dead through to the core.

I say that's what happens when you DON'T let yourself feel these things. No matter how bad it gets, one thing you can always say to yourself is, "Well, damn it, I'm alive!"

Elegant Holmes

I know how you feel. Embrace the pain. You will most certainly grow from your experience. You will love again.

Lonewonderer22

The people who are saying to join some kind of martial art are heading you on the right track. Im sure there is some type of Golden Glove training place somewhere around your area (I dont know what area you live in or else I could say that with knowing). If you dont know what Golden Glove is, its amature boxing, it is also the boxing they use in the olympics. And although it is boxing that doesnt mean you have to get the crap knocked out of you. All you have to do is do the training, it will help keep you focused and on the right track. Not only that your health status could raise dramaticaly.

streak_56

Moving on will be the hardest thing for you to do. Just take it as it comes and don't beat yourself up about it. From what you have said, the other guy kissed her, she didn't tell you about it till a few months later. Sounds like she did the exact same thing as you. The result is the same. I'm not trying to blame her or you, but sometimes things just don't work out.

dood

Deal with it, and heal. When you form a strong bond with a mate it completes a psychological part of yourself, and it can be difficult and painful to reintegrate back into a normal routine without them because it feels like a part of you is missing. Try to have fun, and be as productive as you can in your everyday life. Just don't go try to numb the pain. I was in the same situation my first year of college and chose they drugs and alcohol route to forget about it. I found out after a year of it that once I sobered up I STILL had to work through the pain of losing someone over my own stupid mistakes, and had only delayed and stagnated the issue.

Biscuit Buns

Hugs to you, dude. It's a shitty place you're in right now. You'll climb out soon enough and be better for it, but you've gotta let it happen. Life experiences mold us into who we are and the smart ones remember their past and how they got there. You know what went wrong, so make sure it doesn't happen again and don't forget to watch out for yourself.

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned is that if you don't take care of and respect yourself, no one else will. You are worth your own time, energy, and effort. You are the only one responsible for your own well-being and you DO have the choice to choose whether or not to live your life in a successful, productive, and HEALTHY (mentally and physically work hand in hand) manner. Pick yourself up, move on, deal with the grief as it comes and keep on moving. Ultimately, have faith in yourself.

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A hard man is good to find. ~Mae West