TiltedSammy

OK, so I was kind of a late bloomer... my fiancee has at least 5 years more experience than me. Sometimes I feel like our sex life is a little lacking because of this. A lot of times I feel like we're on two completely different levels sexually. While we seem to be into a lot of the same things, we seem to want them at different times.

Anyway, the obvious answer is just getting to know her better, but we've been with each other for over a year and I still can't seem to pick up on what she wants and when she wants it. I feel like we match so perfectly in every other way and I would love to be able to satisfy her on a more regular basis.

Can anyone suggest a book or something that would give me some pointers on how to be more attune to her sexually? Maybe even just something to spice things up and return some of the intensity to our encounters. Basically it seems like we're in a rut and we can't find a way out. Any help out be greatly appreciated.

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-Sam

Cynthetiq

the obvious answer is to communicate more with her... it's not getting to know her better so that you can guess, it's is getting to know her better so that you can understand what her needs are and when.

it's not about picking up on the needs, it's about communicating them in a fashion that gets the message across.

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sleepygirl

I must agree with Cynthetig, communication is the likely the answer here. I know from previous unsatisfying sexual relationships, people are not mind readers., even married/engaged people. I find one of the best parts of my relationship now is the open communication I have with my SO on all topics, sex included. We enjoy the same things (I know because we discuss), plan and talk about what we want, when we want it. I really encourage you to adopt open communication regarding likes/dislikes/how/when/planning. It also makes for very fun conversation and awesome foreplay, trust me.

TiltedSammy

That's the thing, we do talk about it a lot... enough for me to know we're into to the same things and that she's not being satisfied as well as she could be. I almost feel like we talk about it too much sometimes. I think one of the big issues is that I lack confidence in this area. Before I met her, my sexual experience included several one night stands and that's about it. She has been in 3 or 4 longer term relationships so I feel like she's had more of a chance to explore her sexuality and for some reason that is intimidating to me.

I know from our discussions that in the past she has been much more sexually active with her other partners. She says this is because those relationships were based more on sex than anything else whereas we have a true 'soulmate' type of connection. I believe that to some degree, but I also believe we could be having much better (and a lot more) sex than we do. Right now we have sex once a week on a bad week and 3 to 4 times a week on a good week. I want every week to be a good week and I know she does too.

I guess that's why I'm asking about books and such. I feel like if I expand my sexual knowledge, then I'll be able to please her better, thus I'll gain more confidence in the bedroom.

__________________
-Sam

Cernunnos

I don't have any books to recommend, but I would like to echo what others have in stating that communication is where your attention should be. If she's not being pleased enough, ask her specifically what turns her on. Experiment. Let her guide you, because it's likely (given her experience) that no one knows what she enjoys better than herself.

Here's what you've told us you know:

1. You're into the same things.
2. She's not being satisfied enough.

Here's what you need to find out:

1. What, of those things, turns her on the most.
2. Why she isn't being satisfied enough.

Then you should apply what you learn directly in the bedroom. If she's vague and/or brushes aside the possibility of partially guiding you during sex (until such time as you know precisely what buttons to press and when), there are communication issues to overcome.

TiltedSammy

You hit the nail on the head. I guess the communication problem is on her end, not mine. How can I work through this with her?

__________________
-Sam

levite

Yeah, I agree: talk to her. Let her know how much she means to you, and how much you want to please her, and that a few words of guiding from her would make a different.

Look, when I was in college, I was once in a relationship with a girl I really liked, but I couldn't seem to get her to come very easily. I licked and I fingered and I pinched and I rubbed and I sucked and I fucked, and it just took forever. She was getting fed up with it, I was getting desperate.... Finally once, I was fingering her, and she was getting worked up but nothing was happening, and she just screamed, "Spank my clit! Spank my clit, you fucker!" Well, I did, and she came like a hurtling freight train. We laughed about it afterwards, along with our floor-mates (who'd heard her loud and clear), and she and I resolved to just be clearer with each other about what we wanted and needed and liked. We stayed together for a long time, and it was great, from then until the end.

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Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

snowy

Dear God, that's hilarious. But the lesson is sound: just ask.

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ItWasMe

I have been married for almost 14 years, and we still cannot read minds. If she is having trouble saying exactly what she wants, try a different tactic. Try different things, different levels of pressure, different directions, different strokes so to speak. Just ask 'this one...or this one?' If she chooses A over B, try A and C and ask again. (kind of like what an eye doctor does with lenses)

Just a thought...if you have been in a relationship for a year and she still isn't communicating, it is possible she didn't communicate well with her previous partners either. They might not have been any more 'attuned' to her than you think you are.

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TiltedSammy

I really and truly feel like I do these things, yet she still refuses to get specific with me. I can't even tell you how many time we've had long, deep conversations about how important it is to me to feel like I'm pleasing her.

The fact that I even came here asking this shows how desperate I am at this point. I'm so frustrated because I feel like I've done nothing but try to talk to her about it. Maybe I'm just approaching it the wrong way though.

__________________
-Sam

Acetylene

She doesn't want to tell you because she thinks you ought to know. It's sexier for your partner to just do it right on his own. Unfortunately this is not very fair.

You can try to force her to tell you or you can be a little sneaky. Randomize what you do for a while... maybe play one of those games where you roll dice or draw cards to find out what you should do to each other. Try all different positions and techniques, including "weird" ones. Then just listen for the moans and repeat what makes her moan loudest.

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TiltedSammy

See, that is what I always thought. It kind of kills the mood when you start asking too many specific questions.

I feel like I've tried everything at this point, but maybe the sexy card game would be fun, or if someone could suggest a BOOK with sexual positions and stuff, like I originally asked about, ahahahaha, that would be great.

I know the reason I'm not satisfying her is my experience level and it's really hard for a rookie to try to play catch up with someone that is much more experienced. She gets frustrated because she's used to being with someone that knows what they're doing and I get frustrated because I feel like I can't satisfy her.

I'm looking into books now... hopefully this will help me catch up to her.

__________________
-Sam

Druidess

Communication is key... sometimes it's a big turn-on to talk while in the heat of the moment... to say what you want what turns you on etc. Maybe she just isn't comfortable enough with herself.

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levite

When in serious doubt, there's always The Joy of Sex, The Sex Bible, Sex for Dummies, or similar type books. I read a number of these sorts of things as a young teenager, trying to improve my skills.

I'd stay away from the more ancient ones until you've gotten a little more experience in making it work together. I had a girl once where we tried to get through as many of the positions in the Kama Sutra as we could. Turns out it's quite a workout, and some knowledge of trigonometry can be helpful. I found that instead of moaning and groaning, your sex ends up sounding a lot more like "Okay, I think you put your leg here...now I grab you by the left boob, so could you turn sideways a little...okay, try to hold still a second...can you bend your knee a little, and lean forward a bit...wait, stop, my dick doesn't bend that way...!"

That said, communication really is key. If she won't tell you what she wants, and you can't figure it out, maybe try going to a sex therapist?

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Kaimi

Sometimes it is difficult to come out with those methods. I have to say that many guys simply cannot take the idea of being rough. Faster, harder seems to be much more acceptable to some that spank me, bite me etc. I am a bit more.. creative in bed than some and frankly some are a bit freaked out by the prospect.

TiltedSammy

Well, last night we had another unsuccessful love making session. It was midnight and I had to be up at 5:30, so I tried to keep it fairly quick. We had about 10 minutes of foreplay, then about 15-20 minutes of sex (which is pretty good for me) before I got off, then there was another 10-15 minutes of me trying to make her cum. Usually when it takes that long and there is no climax in sight, I go to my last resort... her vibrator. I used that on her for a good 10 minutes, then I asked her to take over. After another 10-15 minutes of her using the vibrator on herself she still hadn't cum and just gave up.

At that point, especially after all the talk here and my research in other places, it became pretty clear to me that this is her problem. How can I be expected to get her off when she can't even get herself off with a vibrator? Then it dawned on me, maybe the reason we don't have as much sex is because I try to make her cum every time and she just can't do that, so she avoids the act all together. Maybe her previous lovers weren't as concerned with making sure she got hers. It makes sense when you think about it.

__________________
-Sam

neflyte

This actually reminds me of my ex quite a bit. It became apparent a couple years into our relationship (way too late, to be honest) that my ex had really not spent much time getting to know her own body or her own sexuality. It was almost completely foreign to her. She basically knew how to please herself but that was it. She'd rarely give me any feedback (besides the usual auditory cues) that I was actually pleasing her. So, I simply kept trying different things, but to no avail. In my case, however, she was hellbent on me doing all the work; she didn't want to participate. It was expected that I should know how to please her without help, etc, etc. Needless to say we didn't last for that and other reasons.

Not attempting to communicate better was both of our faults. That's a big lesson I learned.

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jewels

Whoa!! Careful there. How do you go from this to that? Just so ya know, I enjoy my vibrator. But it's oh-so-much better (and much faster) when my guy uses it on me.

Could this be your issue? How do you know she's used to being with someone that knows better than you? Maybe no one's ever communicated and she doesn't even know. Has she told you that anyone else is better than you? Maybe she's afraid to tell you because she doesn't think you'd be receptive to her response(s). This is your opportunity to learn together. Don't pass the buck.

Ahem. Communication is a two-way proposition. If it's her problem, it's yours.

Ask them at the right time and the right way. Does this feel good? How about when I do this? You can get her to open up by indicating what feels good to you. Oooh babe I love when you do it like this. You get the idea.

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TiltedSammy

Well, apparently we both suck at using her vibrator on her because neither one of us could manage it last night (I've done it before though.)

And yes, she has said directly that other guys have pleased her better. She didn't just come out and say it, but it has come up during our sex discussions. And I'm not passing the buck, I'm just saying that I feel like I'm working towards making our sex better, but she isn't. I realize it takes effort on both our parts, but I don't feel like she's making the same effort that I am.

Also, if I felt like this wasn't my problem too, would I be posting here about it? Don't take my words out of context...

Anyway, I've actually tried that approach on several occasions and generally I get a moaned "mmmhmmm" no matter what I'm doing. It's like she doesn't want to tell me if something isn't working for her for fear of frustrating me.

__________________
-Sam

Halx

I always figured that telling someone how to make you come could be classified under "dirty talk" and is thus foreplay.

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Kaimi

I think so too. It definitely does not need to come out as though you are handing them the instruction manual or anything. I personally would be immediately turned on to hear my lover whisper in the morning, oh I loved it so much when you did ____. And frankly, for my lover to take my hand and guide me, or whatever body part for that matter. I think it is hot. I think some people need loosen up a little and stop worrying so much about the other thinking they are a dirty tramp or something and just have fun. It is all about pleasure, why limit pleasure by not opening up? The touchy part is more in saying, I don't care for something so much. Then again, if my partner makes it obvious that he/she/they enjoy something greatly.. that is a turn-on it itself so it would not matter so much.

BCD

As to books, you MUST purchase "The Guide to Getting It On" and "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman." As to g-spot stimuation, I recommend "Secrets of Sensual Lovemaking: The Ultimate in Female Ecstasy." Another one to consider if you want a fun way to try out some new stuff is "101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples" - or one of the other books like it.

TiltedSammy

Thanks for the suggestions fellow Charlottean. I also apprecaite your feedback on my other thread. Unfortunately it doesn't really matter anymore... at least, not at the moment. Last Wednesday night my Fiancee broke up with me and kicked me out of our apartment.

I still blame her lack of communication. Not just sexually, but her overall lack of communication, for a lot of our problems. I feel like I was pretty good at expressing all of my needs both in the bedroom and out, but she was another story.

In the end, I guess it's all for the better. We would've never worked anyway if she wasn't going to tell me what she wanted. It still hurts though. It almost makes me feel like the time I spent with her was a complete waste, but I really did learn a lot about what I want and don't want in a partner by being with her.

__________________
-Sam

thespian86

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that man. If it makes you feel better. I JUST WENT THROUGH THIS!

We ended up getting back together and a lot of it is just being young man. Just being young. She needs to communicate but at the same time its your fault for not finding the right way to get through to her. It's usually a two way street.

Either way, sorry for your problems man.

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EX: uh...
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TiltedSammy

Just out of curiosity, how long did it take before you got back together and was it you or her that initiated it?

__________________
-Sam

girldetective

Not too long ago I as lounging quietly, enjoying some earned attention when my partner stopped what he was doing to look up and say very quickly and with a firm voice, "Alright, that's enough of the quiet here, gimme some feedback." and went right back to the pink. I laughed and gave him what he wanted. We both appreciated it. He meant it, but quasi-humorous about it.

It worked.

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thespian86

Let's not kid ourselves Sam, you aren't asking out of curiosity; you're gaging. It happened naturally, we both drifted back to each other. That was after four months of being apart. The thing is, neither of us wanted it, per se, which is what made it possible. We weren't running after it so when we got back together it was a new adventure, not more of the same.

We hadn't broken up for a reason, but we certainly had the same kind of communication problems you described, at first. A lot of it is being patient in finding a way that works for her. Communicating your feelings to a partner can be very difficult at times, and sometimes its in how the other partner is asking. So I'd start there next time.

I also think it's kind of strange that you'd say she is five years ahead of you but that you feel like you were doing everything right. Which shows me that you just kind of need to grow up. And I'll be honest, brutally again (I'm sorry), I don't think you getting back together with her is going to solve it, I think it'll hinder it.

Take what you've learned, which is to be open minded, patient, and not so fucking stubborn, and also what you know you want in a relationship; something I'd hazard a guess and say you didn't know before this girl.

Hope that helps.

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EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

TiltedSammy

Whoa, where did that come from? You act as if you know me personally or something. Trust me, I may have lacked sexual experience, but communicating effectively is a life experience and I had 5 years on her in that respect.

I'm not saying that she is completely at fault for this breakup. I know there are things I could've done differently. I'm just venting the frustrations I had with her. Notice, I said I felt like her lack of communication was the cause of A LOT of our problems, not all of them.

Anyway, in all honesty, I was just curious. I do feel like there is a possibility of us getting back together because despite our differences, we did have a lot in common, but I definitely do not think the wedding will be back on anytime soon. We would obviously have a lot to work on before we were ready to do that again.

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-Sam

thespian86

I can't be right all the time Sam. I could be completely wrong. But, I think it is legitimate. And that is what I got from what I see in what your not saying. I get from this that there is a lot you're not saying and that is probably a common occurrence with you. Which leads me to think you might not be as great at communicating as you think. That's all.

Again, reading what you said (not knowing who you are), it sounds like a lot of potato potato kind of stuff man. Like you want someone to justify you, not to help you. I'm just trying to help; sorry it's not something you want to hear.

You have very contradictory statements and ideas within the point your trying to communicate; ie: "In the end, I guess it's all for the better. We would've never worked anyway if she wasn't going to tell me what she wanted," and "I'm just curious, I think we have a lot in common". Just sounds a lot like how you REALLY feel is that you want her back and you were trying to get someone to justify you, like me with my story of how we got back together, which is why I explained that I thought you two getting back together probably wouldn't work.

And to answer your question "Whoa, where did that come from? You act as if you know me personally or something," I'm wondering what you expected for an answer? What were you seeking in coming here and asking us? I was being completely honest.

I hate the internet because you can't hear a tone of voice, so know I'm not being snippy or defensive. Just honest. You see honesty doesn't always have to result in a situation where the other person is being defensive. Which, to me, and I'm sorry but this is what I see, indicates that you need some work on accepting and communicating. And that comes from growing up. Growing up after distinguishing that you aren't going it. And growing up will not occur in a relationship that obviously stunts it.

I hope that explains my post.

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EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

TiltedSammy

When I originally posted this thread I honestly just came here looking for advice. Once the discussion started, I will admit that I got defensive when certain abilities of mine were called into question and at that point I have have been looking for justification. I was in a somewhat vulnerable state then and I'm in an even more vulnerable state now. The wound is still fresh, so to speak.

And yes, you are correct in saying that I contradicted myself. You have to understand that I'm an emotional wreck right now. My mind is racing... one minute I'll want her back, the next minute I'll never want to see her again. Expecting someone to be rational at a time like this is kind of a lot to ask.

I appreciate your attempt to help but I do not respond well to your level of harshness (or brutality, as you put it.) Especially at a time like this.

Anyway, I agree about communicating on the internet. Judging someone by how they communicate on an internet forum and assuming they communicate the same way in the real world probably isn't the best idea. Granted, this is all you have to go on, but I still don't think it's fair for you to make judgements based on what very little information I've posted here.

You're right though, there is a long story to this that I really don't care to go into here.

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-Sam