Smooth23

Okay, I'm a 20 year old guy and i've been single for awhile. Last night at work I met this 21 year old girl that I've very interested in, with one complication.. She's got an 18 month old daughter. I need some advice on how to handle this. How horrible of an idea is it to get involved with a single mom? Side note: I'm not good with kids, haven't had much experience with them.. just a tidbit I thought you all should know.

I do have to say I'm slightly nervous that I could become her sugar daddy, but the fact that I work with her does prove she is trying to take care of herself.

Samalie

I'd personally be more concerned about the fact that you work with her than the fact she has a youngin. Dipping the pen in the company ink can cause heaping masses of problems (including the possibility of being fired)

As to the little un...my personal views....start off easy - proceed at a pace you're comfortable with, and go with the flow. A little un can be both a blessing and curse, and be forewarned that the baby's needs WILL come ahead of your own. If you want a girl thats 100% focused on you, it will not work out.

Cynthetiq

MILF!

okay sorry had to get that out.

If the relationship is to go the distance are you willing to accept that child as someone you'll be somewhat responsible for? Are you willing to deal with the father in some capacity and the emotional ride that comes with it?

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Mantus

Okiiiiiie, I just had a Freudian experience...

...moving on...

Smooth23

I'm not really worried about the fact that I work with her. Its a large factory and its not uncommon. In fact, I'd say that half or more of the married people that work here, are married to people that work here(Does that make sense?) Actually our company has a policy on married couples working here that keeps them from working in the same department.

lurkette

Proceed with caution...it's not such a big deal right now because the kid is quite young, but don't get involved if you're not serious. There's nothing to fuck up a kid like people wandering in and out of their life. While you're dating, make sure both of you know exactly where things stand. This is not casual fling territory. Add to that the fact that you work together, and things could get very complicated.

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red0blivia

i'll have to, respectfully, disagree with that.
just because a female produces offspring does not mean she is eternally bound to relationships of the serious and/or 'traditional' sort.
also, people come in and out of children's lives, just as they do yours. it is all in how he would be introduced/portrayed in that child's life.

if he was taking on a fatherly role, then yes, of course,... it would be very important to proceed with caution and, as a parent/child relationship develops with the child, it would become important to maintain that and not dump the kid just cause things dodn't work out between the adults.

BUT- he is considering dating this woman... not becoming her life partner and raising her child with her. she could very well have the 'father' base covered with the child's biological father, anyways, and not even remotely want smooth23 to attempt that role. even if the child's father is not in his/her life, he cannot assume that she wants a father figure for her child, just as he cannot assume she wants a serious relationship. millions of healthy, happy kids are raised in single parent homes everyday.

as i'm sure you know, smooth23, EVERYONE is different.
you'd do best to ask her how she actually feels about things and what she wants, rather than relying on any social stereotypes or preconcieved notions.
(or what anyone, including me, says on this board - it's a good way to toss around thoughts and explore diff. perceptions, but the answers you seek can only be obtained from the one you desire.)

doncalypso

I hate to sound harsh, but my advice to any young man is to avoid getting involved with a woman who already has children.

If you're not comfy with kids why would you wanna end up in a situation where you may end up raising another man's kids?

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visotech

It all depends on what your looking for...are you in search of someone to settle down with or someone to pass some time at this point in your life with?

Crack

"a real man wouldn't shoplift the pootie from a single mom"

If you do decide to go after this woman, realize that you are not dating just her, but her kid as well. Remember that, and you will be fine.

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cj2112

I'm a single Dad so i've had some experience on the other side of the fence. First understand that the kid will ALWAYS come first. Let me say that again....THE KID WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST. I've been in a few relationships and dated a few women since my divorce a number of years ago. I've always been very up front about my kids always coming first. Without fail every relationship since the divorce has ended because the other party could not deal with this (this is not to say that this will happen again, just that people who do this well are rare, my stepdad is one of those rare people). They said they understood at the beginning, but when it came down to it, they just couldn't handle it. This means that when she has told her child that on saturday they are going to the park together to play, just the two of them, and you call and ask her to spend saturday with you and she says she can't because she's made plans with her kid, that she's NOT going to break those plans for you, or always include you in them. This means that when she calls you 15 minutes before your date with her saying her son just puked all over the place and she needs to cancel your date, that you have to be ok with it. If you can handle always playing second fiddle to her kid, WITHOUT resenting her or the child for it, then this can work out. If you don't know if your ego can handle that, then it's a bad idea.

Having said all that, if you do decide to go ahead with this, 18 months- about 5 y.o. is a damn fun age for a little boy. Enjoy the hell out him. Be silly, try to see the world through his eyes, and just sit back and watch him, kids are amazing.

lurkette

I didn't say 'don't date her,' I said 'proceed with caution.' It's going to be very difficult to keep someone as a romantic partner and NOT have them be involved with the kid in some way, and believe me, I am not advocating traditional relationships. If everything is handled responsibly by the adults, the kid'll be fine. But I'm just saying, be sure she's on the same page as the OP: is she looking for a fling, a relationship, a father for her kid, what? Things undeniably get complicated when you add a kid to the mix.

I may be a bit biased - my girlfriend and her husband are trying to get pregnant, and when that happens, I, and to the extent that he's willing, ratbastid, are going to be co-parents. Suddenly, the nature and definition of "Our" relationship matters, while up till now everyone's been pretty happy keeping things loose. But when there's a kid involved, we're going to have to make some decisions about how our relationship(s) are defined, and what level of commitment we have beyond our immutable friendship, and how we're going to explain anything to the eventual kid who's going to have to live with a non-traditional arrangement. Whether we like it or not, that kid's needs are going to come before what's best for our relationship, and it took a lot of soul-searching before I, a person who doesn't want kids herself, really knew that I wanted to stay with D (my girlfriend) no matter what.

So, to the OP:
1. know what you want and what role you're willing to fulfill;
2. know what the woman wants and what she expects;
3. make sure that 1=2, and that as soon as 1 !=2, you have a responsible way to leave the relationship without scarring the kid.

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red0blivia

eh? using the term "shoplifting" would imply that he would be stealing "pootie", subsequetly implying that he would be raping her through force or because she is incapable of consenting due to being somewhat retarded or chromosomally-challenged. is this what you're saying?
(yeah, i know chromosomally-challenged is not a real word, but, frankly, it makes much more sense than your quote.:P )
or maybe i am just not getting it? (entirely possible)
what, exactly, does it mean?

eww...

i don't think he expressed any interests in dating her kid... or any child, for that matter.











ok... so, i know that's not what you meant , but i was just drawing attention to, what i see as, the absurdity of your statement. dating someone with a child, in no way, means you are automatically involved in the child's life.
now, if he moved in with her... or they intentionally put him, as a central figure, in her child's life...that would be a different story.
to elaborate on this without repeating myself, i will refer you to my previous post.

red0blivia

i completely agree.

true. people must make sure they are on the same page in any type of relationship.
and i tend to think humans -and, by extention, human relationships- are extremely complicated, regardless.
i mostly agree with what you are saying, i just believe there are numerable things that complicate relationships more than a child.
some people (not speaking of you) forget that the child is a whole other human and that the relationship you have with them is completely independent of the relationship you may have with their parent - just as a relationship you have with a parent is completely independent of a relationship you may or may not have with their child.

and to reiterate, unless the relationship gets really serious or,as i said, the partner is presented as a guardian or parental figure in the child's life, i see a parent's partner as equal, in the child's life, to any other close friend that the parent has.
but i do respect your opinion & recognize that it more closely resembles opinions of the majority.

hmm... i see.
that is, unquestionably, a difficult situation, as the relationships are all already defined, (apparently) serious, and working as they are.
especially, given the fact that you had already established that you do not want kids.
i hope that everything works out for you guys, or that you find an alternative path to hapiness.

raeanna74

The first few dates, just enjoy yourself. Get to know her and see where her kid stands in her priorities. Personally I believe that her kid should come first. If she's more interested in going out or even worse in having sex at the expense of leaving Jr at the grandparents every other night - I would run away fast. She shows a lack of responsibility there and you could end up being the 'sugar daddy' as you fear.

If she is working (as you said), shows up to work faithfully and acts responsible with the child. She's gonna be a more safe choice to date. I would also be curious as to how things are working for custody. Is there an ongoing battle over the kid? Does she have the kid all the time or does Dad get the kid too? Is their parenting relationship bitter or at least relatively aggreable. If you get serious with her down the road you will have to deal with the other father some, even if he is paying child support.

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blahblah454

My best friend is a single mommy, her boy is four years old and he is the coolest kid I've ever met. I sometimes go to her house and just end up spending the whole day playing with her kid. And yes no matter what you come second, the kid always comes first, ALWAYS. I get ditched lots for her boy and I am okay with that, in fact I am glad sometimes because its good to know she cares enough for her kid to spend lots of time with him and love him the way a mom should.

streak_56

Hell.... I love children, and I really wouldn't see it as a problem. I would just becareful around the father. Other than that..... I'm a grown up kid and having another kid around would be twice the fun!

maleficent

Shoplifting the pootie is a quote from the movie Jerry Maguire...

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TotalMILF

I was 20 when I started dating my husband, and on our first date he informed me that he had an 8-year-old son. Dating a daddy was weird at first, since I had never dated anyone with kids before, nor did I know anyone else with kids, but it all worked out in the end. His son is a really great kid, and he's tons of fun to hang out with. I'll admit, however, that at first I was jealous that hubby shared this permanent connection with another woman through their child, but then I realized how stupid and juvenile I was being and got over it.

Just understand that the needs/happiness of her child will ALWAYS come before yours. If you can't accept that, then don't get involved with her.

(edited for grammatical clarification)

tecoyah

That is by far...the most important thing anyone will say in this entire thread, pay close attention to it.

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savvypup

There's so many opinions here that I have to agree with. I'm a single mum with a nearly 3 year old daughter. She just loves her daddy to pieces, vice versa and rightfully so, and for some of the reasons listed above, I'm very aware of how I introduce someone new into her life. Yes, she sees new people alot and she's very outgoing, but I've seen her look kind of 'unsure' for want of a better word, when she's seen another guy other than her daddy give me a cuddle or kiss.

She's my #1 priority and I need to make her feel comfortable with the people I spend time with. And I fully believe that kids need stability with in their lives - or at least that's how I was raised.

Basically what I'm saying in my ramblings, is that if I were the girl, I would probably date Smooth23 for a bit to see how things were between us, and then if all was good, he was keen, introduce him as a friend first and let them get aquainted. How she reacts to him would play a big deciding fact on how things progress from there.

But you both are only young, and she may just want someone to 'have fun' with away from her motherly duties if she has support from others to look after her child.

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ciao bella!

Smooth23

An update: We've continues to spend some time together. One of the things that I like about her is that she absolutely adores her daughter and makes sure she comes first. As for the kids dad, he is pretty much a no-show in the poor kids life. I haven't seen the kid yet but I gather that mom is pretty careful about who she lets in to her childs life-A very good thing and something I am glad of.

I have to say, I never thought I could be so into a girl with a child.. I guess when you find someone you're attracted to on more than a penile level it doesn't really matter.

savvypup

That's awesome to hear Smooth23. Enjoy the time together and who knows right?

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ciao bella!

Wyodiver33

I dated a woman who had kids once, but I had no reason to think she was looking for a Sugar Daddy, although I'm sure that happens. When I was in the Air Force I knew a guy who married a woman who had five kids from a previous marriage. I asked him how he felt about the deal and he told me he was quite happy. That was after five years of marriage. I think it's one of those things that you just have to go slow and be honest with each other, and yourself.

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analog

Yet another reason not to be with someone who has kids: I will not be the second fiddle. Period. To me, that is not a relationship. I will not always be second in line in a relationship. That, to me, is ridiculous.

savvypup

So Analog, you'd rule out any potential relationship based purely on the fact that person had kids? Wow. I can understand that may be a daunting notion to consider, but what if that person was really, really, interesting and you had a lot in common?

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ciao bella!

Cynthetiq

I don't disagree with analog. I had dated a mom at one time and she wasn't all that interested in her offspring. At that point in time in my life I was interested in kids and it just hit me as a bit odd.

Now that I know that I don't want to have kids, and am not planning on any, I understand analog's feelings quite well.

Even when I'm with my sister and my nephews, I'm annoyed that attention needs to be given in that direction throughout our conversations.

really interesting or not, lots in common won't change the underlying annoyance, even if she gave the best BJs and ass in the world.

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Sultana

Either way is acceptable, but it's vital to know this before the fact, rather than force it being OK (after a relationship has been established) when it's not.

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My goal? To fulfill my potential.

shesus

I echo the 'preceed with caution' note. If you aren't comfortable with the kid situation move on. The child is there before you and will be there if or when you leave. That added factor makes for a sometimes stressful relationship and can cause problems if you aren't accepting that the child will come first.

When JJ and I started dating his daughter was 8. We were friends for a couple years before we dated so I knew about his daughter. When we decided to date, he told me that she came first. I accepted this because I was very interested in him. Not being first doesn't mean that you don't get attention or that your needs aren't met. It just means that the child has to be taken into consideration because..well..it's the person's child.

We have been together now for 7 years. She still comes first for the most part, but it's not a problem in our relationship. I've stated my feeling and he has stated his and we want what is best for his daughter and work to make sure that she's taken care of without her or me feeling like a third wheel or left out. I never felt that I was left out or ignored or second fiddle, whatever you want to call it because the situation is always opened for discussion.

However, it is different for people and with a child that young, that's a big decision. However, you need to decide soon because you would in a way be dating them both and a child can grow attached to people fairly quickly. It would be a shame to build a relationship with the mom and child and then just leave. But that's my 2 cents on the issue.

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savvypup

If you're not interested in having kids of your own, then yes, definitely don't get involved. But if that's not the case and it's purely because you think those kids would be a hinderance, I think it's a shame to nip it in the bud straight off. Each to their own though.

I think it would be a fairly upfront conversational piece though, and if that's the way you felt, things obviously wouldn't progress in the direction of a relationship.

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ciao bella!

Irishsean

If your not interested in being a stable influence on both her and the kid, you should probly stay away. When I first met my new wife, the first thing she told me was that she had a daughter, and if we were going to be involved, I needed to know that she was the most important part of her life. Don't treat the child as just a hanger-on, a mom and kid are a package deal.

My first date with Candi was a kid's movie and dinner, and we almost always took our daughter when we went out.

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nmm

Well apparantly everything has been said already, but for sure be cautious...
Like it has been said in here sometimes kids are fine with people coming and going in their life, but it is not always the case...

Kids personality varies as well and some will not deal very well with the all situation either... A friend of my girlfriend is a single mum that split up with her husband and her kid is taking realy badly the fact that now her mum and dad have different partner and not living together anymore... She will go and complain to the new partners that they are not allow to kiss her parents because only her daddy can kiss her mummy and vice versa...

My crrent girlfriend is a single mum and we have waited for the relationship to be serious before I met the kid... In our case everything went fine and is still fine, the kid play with me straight away after meeting me and we are quite close together... For him I am his second dad and for me he is like a son... But then again I love kid and know the influence my presence can have on him...

If you are not keen on kid, really think before you act cos if the relationship goes further and you end up living together, well having a kid around do changes a lot...

After if it is just a fling, well, nothing stp you from going out withouthaving the kid around, so no risk it affect him...

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Toaster126

Hope you don't want kids, or you are going to be in for a shock when they pop out.

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Lady Sage

I wasnt sure about kids either until I met Pans son. Its a package deal, I didnt think id be good with kids as a part time or full time mom. But here I am one day going to be a step-mom and I dont do to bad of a job. (Yet) In fact it has proved to be very rewarding. *smile* Use your best judgement and as they've said above... if ya arent in it for the long haul... walk away.

Bill O'Rights

He doesn't. He's been quite clear on that point before.

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Crack

thanks mal sometimes we all need defending

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maestro62371

I have to agree completely. She has a kid, you have to be good to the kid as well as the woman. She's looking for someone to help her, not just "be with her". If you're not ready to help raise the kid, get your pen out of the company ink.

analog

hehehehe

Anyhow, I meant that more specifically for the "single mom" field. Their child will always rank over you, period. I won't be #2.

Daoust

Well, I've been married for 4 years, and in my marriage my wife comes first, then my kids. This role is irreversible. If I was a single dad and my pickup line was 'you'll never mean more to me than my kids do', no wonder you're not having much luck in the relationship department. Clearly I'm not implying here that you ditch your kids and let them suffer while you go out moonlighting and dating all the women you can find. But I think that if you're seriously looking for a relationship, you can still underscore the importance of your children in your life, while still acknowledging that a woman you love and trust could fill a huge void in your life. What I take from you post is that you don't really care if you get into another relationship unless the absolutely perfect situation comes along. And the perfect situation in your mind is finding a woman who'll you'll be able to treat as less special than your kids.

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ktthequeen

That's what I have always said/thought. And then I got to know a guy who I didn't immediately know had kids (2 of 'em to be exact) and what do ya know, I couldn't turn off the feelings once I knew he had kids.

While I know I am important to him, as are his kids, I would never assume my role in his life to be more important than the kids. He's never made me feel like "the second fiddle" but at the same time, I am trying to be realistic.