I didn't say 'don't date her,' I said 'proceed with caution.' It's going to be very difficult to keep someone as a romantic partner and NOT have them be involved with the kid in some way, and believe me, I am not advocating traditional relationships. If everything is handled responsibly by the adults, the kid'll be fine. But I'm just saying, be sure she's on the same page as the OP: is she looking for a fling, a relationship, a father for her kid, what? Things undeniably get complicated when you add a kid to the mix.
I may be a bit biased - my girlfriend and her husband are trying to get pregnant, and when that happens, I, and to the extent that he's willing, ratbastid, are going to be co-parents. Suddenly, the nature and definition of "Our" relationship matters, while up till now everyone's been pretty happy keeping things loose. But when there's a kid involved, we're going to have to make some decisions about how our relationship(s) are defined, and what level of commitment we have beyond our immutable friendship, and how we're going to explain anything to the eventual kid who's going to have to live with a non-traditional arrangement. Whether we like it or not, that kid's needs are going to come before what's best for our relationship, and it took a lot of soul-searching before I, a person who doesn't want kids herself, really knew that I wanted to stay with D (my girlfriend) no matter what.
So, to the OP:
1. know what you want and what role you're willing to fulfill;
2. know what the woman wants and what she expects;
3. make sure that 1=2, and that as soon as 1 !=2, you have a responsible way to leave the relationship without scarring the kid.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by red0blivia
i'll have to, respectfully, disagree with that.
just because a female produces offspring does not mean she is eternally bound to relationships of the serious and/or 'traditional' sort.
also, people come in and out of children's lives, just as they do yours. it is all in how he would be introduced/portrayed in that child's life.
if he was taking on a fatherly role, then yes, of course,... it would be very important to proceed with caution and, as a parent/child relationship develops with the child, it would become important to maintain that and not dump the kid just cause things dodn't work out between the adults.
BUT- he is considering dating this woman... not becoming her life partner and raising her child with her. she could very well have the 'father' base covered with the child's biological father, anyways, and not even remotely want smooth23 to attempt that role. even if the child's father is not in his/her life, he cannot assume that she wants a father figure for her child, just as he cannot assume she wants a serious relationship. millions of healthy, happy kids are raised in single parent homes everyday.
as i'm sure you know, smooth23, EVERYONE is different.
you'd do best to ask her how she actually feels about things and what she wants, rather than relying on any social stereotypes or preconcieved notions.
(or what anyone, including me, says on this board  - it's a good way to toss around thoughts and explore diff. perceptions, but the answers you seek can only be obtained from the one you desire.) |