Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > The Academy > Tilted Life


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-29-2006, 12:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Thanksgiving drama - a plea for help

This message has been deleted.

Last edited by insidious_machinae; 03-20-2010 at 09:54 AM..
insidious_machinae is offline  
Old 10-29-2006, 12:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
Eat your vegetables
 
genuinegirly's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: Arabidopsis-ville
The past couple of years it seems like I've been doing nothing with family besides managing hysteria and trying to mend bridges that others burned. Here's my advice. Take it as you will.

Write your mother a one-sentence response:

I am sorry you feel this way.

Leave it at that. If she writes you another e-mail, don't read it. If you read it, don't respond to it.

In two weeks, write her another e-mail. Do not acknowledge any e-mails she may have sent in the interum. In this message, pull out some sentimental crap: "I was talking with a friend about ______ and it reminded me of [insert mushy childhood memory involving family]." Then state that you really are sad that you can't be there for Thanksgiving. Then tell her how much your fiance was looking forward to it. Ramble (in the same e-mail) about several little things you love about your fiance. End it with, "I just can't wait to see the whole family together at [insert next holiday/family event you will definitely be at]."

Sometimes the only way to deal with nonsense is to ignore it.
__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy
genuinegirly is offline  
Old 10-29-2006, 01:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
Lover - Protector - Teacher
 
Jinn's Avatar
 
Location: Seattle, WA
Sorry, GG, but I'm going to have to strongly disagree.

Ignoring this any further just allows her to create more melodramatic "my Son does this to hurt me, I'm so brokenhearted" bullshit.

My apologies to you nw, but your mother sounds like a classic controlling mother. I've seen enough of these emails and heard enough of these conversations to see that she just wants to control you with guilt. You're such a horrible person for doing this to your frail old mother, waa, waa.

What you really need to do, I think, is discuss it - FRANKLY.

Quote:
However, I want to stand my ground and force my parents to recognize us as a COUPLE (the way her family does), and understand that as a couple, we must split up holiday time between both families. And this will necessitate compromise on BOTH sides, not just one.
This is exactly what you need to do. She's treating you like a wayward child, drawn away from his only true love (his family) by an evil temptress of distruction. The biggest flaw in her argument is that you're not a child and she's treating you like one. Her email is LITTERED, absolutely LITTERED with garbage metaphors designed to make you feel bad - "when you're mature enough to understand", "we are silently watching you wither away, leave your family and the family values behind, and become less of a man."

If this were any person but your mother, you'd leave them in a dust for saying such manipulative pyscho-babble.

Make it clear that you are with LPM for a reason, that you want to split the time equally between two families, and that any "breaking of the relationship" beyond that is entirely her fault. She can't expect you to be around forever, and she can't expect that SHE knows what is right for you.

The reason you're in this position is that you've never asserted your fundamental right to decide your own future. Reading this email makes me demonstrably ill, considering what kind of mother would say this to her son, regardless of her intent.

The communication lines are waaayyyy too closed. I know this sounds backwards from your innate desire to retract, but it's only occuring because she STILL fails to see your independence. And she needs to understand that despite her disinterest in LPM, it doesn't matter. You're the one dating her, not your mother. If your mother has a problem with it, then she needs to learn how to live her own life and not yours.

The hardest part of this conversation is doing it calmly. If you send her a scathing email, or reply in any anger - she's going to immediately become defensive. You need a firm, but not demanding or angry, tone.

All of that said, I (from the distance that I'm at) think her characterization of the "disorder" in paragraphs four and seven might not be entirely incorrect.
__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel
Jinn is offline  
Old 10-29-2006, 01:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
Mulletproof
 
Psycho Dad's Avatar
 
Location: Some nucking fut house.
Been there done that, didn't like it won't do it again.

Early on my wife and I decided that we would split up holidays as best we could and realize that someone was going to get upset. But in the end, everyone that found cause to get upset got over it and my wife and I were less stressed by not having to please everyone. These days the only one who gets their bowels in an uproar over it is my wife's mother and she's over Thanksgiving by the time anyone wants to talk about Christmas. She is over Christmas by the time anyone wants to plan New Years. And so it goes.

These days our children are nearly grown (OK two of them are adults) and we realize that it would be unfair to expect them to juggle our family as well as their girlfriends or some day wives' families.

Do what works best for you and LPM. Who you spend a holiday dinner with should not be used by anyone as a barometer of who you love or to validate your status to anyone as a couple.
__________________
Don't always trust the opinions of experts.
Psycho Dad is offline  
Old 10-29-2006, 01:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
Filling the Void.
 
la petite moi's Avatar
 
Location: California
Just to clarify something, as I'm the one that is "destroying" nwlinkvxd's relationship (and after reading JinnKai's last comment):
I have had an eating disorder for years. It has never been for attention or me just "acting up." I had an eating disorder for nearly five years before I met nwlinkvxd, so it's not just something I made up to keep him with me.

What disgusts me even more is that his mother pretends to understand eating disorders, as she is a clinical dietician...and yet, she claims I'm doing this as a way to get pity from nwlinkvxd. No, in fact, I am utterly EXHAUSTED by my eating disorder, after being pulled back and forth by the voice and will of some imaginary force that keeps me from eating normally. It's why I go to a counsellour, why I've told the people who seem to care most about me (aka nwlinkvxd, my mother, my sister) so they can keep me in check. I don't pretend to starve myself, don't pretend to love throwing up. My one soul want in life is to be able to enjoy food for what it is: nourishment. I crave the day that I'm able to say "I accomplished _____, _____, and ______ without needing the coping mechanism of food."

And that is not all that bothers me about her email. I have ALWAYS tried to go outside of my comfort boundaries to get along with his mother. I sit with her while Kevin does his "chores" when we come to stay at his parents' house, and talk to her. I am ALWAYS the one that initiates the greeting. "Hi, how are you?" Her response is always a chilly, "Oh fine." Doesn't ask how I'm doing, doesn't ask me what's up. So her blatant LIE of saying that they've always tried to have open arms to me makes me irate. MY FAMILY even invited Kevin's family over to have dinner a couple years ago (when my mother was consequently suffering from cancer, and hence exhaustion, and couldn't go out to restaurants due to a lowered immune system), and his mother's excuse for not accepting the invitation was that they would feel "uncomfortable" having a cup of coffee or dinner in my parents' house. Let's see...what else? Oh, yeah, whenever his parents have aided Kevin (and at the same time, me as well- an example is their helping us to move into our new apartment this year), I ALWAYS have been the one to write a lovely thank-you note to them.

We have always tried to schedule time for both our families, and it's not like we're just always over at my parents' house. In fact, due to his mother's whining, my family has been put on hold MANY times.

It's just stressing and exhausting, as if school/work/life doesn't stress us out enough...
la petite moi is offline  
Old 10-29-2006, 01:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: rural Indiana
I'd do what I want. State your reason once, (sorry, gotta work) smile and say "I Love you!" and don't worry about it after that. You are an adult now...make your own rules/traditions, and let the old chips fall where they may.
Usually, the bark is worse than the bite. Some people just freak over change, after a year or two of you doing what YOU want, the others will forget/adjust, (becuase they HAVE too!) and you will be happier.
__________________
Happy atheist
Lizra is offline  
Old 10-29-2006, 02:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
Lover - Protector - Teacher
 
Jinn's Avatar
 
Location: Seattle, WA
People who live their childrens lives are severely dissapointed when their children start to take control. After all, she can't control your life anymore.

What is she supposed to do with herself? Take up knitting? Have an affair with some young man? Sometimes parents spend so much time making sure your life is okay that they forget to have a life of their own. Seriously, what does your mother do with her days other than worry about her husband and children? You can't give her activities, but at least understand that its probably part of the reason she goes batshit crazy when you don't do what she likes.

The BEST revenge on people who tell you you're 'falling apart' is to live a successful life. How ironic do comments about how much you're living wonderfully?

And LPM, maybe as a clinical dietician she has seen first hand that the majority of eating disoders ARE for attention? Some people are fucked in the head, but most do it because they want sympathy. She's an emotional manipulator, and I think you'd be hard pressed to convince her you're the former. Like I said, FROM MY DISTANCE, I'd be hard pressed to believe it too.

I'd elaborate further, but I realize that it's a sensitive topic and hardly par for this thread. On the situtation of the mother, you simply need firm discourse and an attitude that her non-acceptance of your decisions is NOT your fault, but hers.

She's the one destroying the relationship if she fails to acknowledge that you'll make your own damned decisions.
__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel
Jinn is offline  
Old 10-29-2006, 02:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
Filling the Void.
 
la petite moi's Avatar
 
Location: California
JinnKai, she's a clinical dietician for old people. She tells old people what they should be eating. She has, surely, studied eating disorders. But I doubt she has worked one-on-one with someone that has suffered from an eating disorder for years. Yes, EDs may be for attention, but as a person that has suffered nearly my entire life with one, I know that I hate my thought processes when it comes to food. (I would say I inherited it, because my grandmother and my aunt and my mother all have had eating disorders. My mother still does.) It's not like I make it a big deal, frankly. I always sit at the table with them, and pick around at my food and try to eat like a fucking normal person. I don't think my eating disorder should be a reason why his mother should attack me.

Anyway, I apologise if this is just turning into me defending myself. I've just been doing it a lot recently, because people just started noticing it when my weight took a dive. Your advice is definitely good.
la petite moi is offline  
Old 10-29-2006, 02:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: rural Indiana
Isn't there some kind of medication you can take to help get over the hump with the eating disorder?
I wasted my college years being bulimic.....such a waste of time, and important things I should have been doing (like getting the degree ) went undone in the repetitive turmoil.
Looking back on it now....It was like I was in a hole and couldn't climb out. I wish I had gone to a doctor and gotten an antidpressant or something.....anything to help climb the first few steps out. Luckily, Getting married seemed to change things....and I've never struggled again.
Oh.... and I don't think I did it for attention...it was desperation, though I don't know why I felt so desperate now. Don't believe everything, just try to use your smarts and common sense, and help yourself!
__________________
Happy atheist
Lizra is offline  
Old 10-29-2006, 08:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005
 
Sage's Avatar
 
Location: North side
Quote:
You are an adult now
That, right there, is the problem that your mother is butting up against and the mindset that you're trying to have in this situation. It's hard to start acting like an adult around your parents- think about it. They raised you, told you what to do, fed you, clothed you, and now you're coming into your own and are having to tell them what's what instead of the other way around. It's hard on you, and it's hard on your parents.

Personally, I like JinnKai's advice. He is advocating a position on your part that will, in no uncertian terms, let your mother know how you feel and how you will be dealing with the situation. Think about it this way: your mom is acting like a child. In order to let a child know your expectations for their behavior, and thus the behavior they must exhibit to get what they want, you have to be firm and unwavering in letting them know what to do. Tell your mother what you and LPM will be doing for Thanksgiving. Let her know that you're sorry she feels the way she does. And leave it at that.

Your mom is having issues right now because another woman is "telling" you what to do. She's seeing her son go from under her wings to living his life with another woman, and she doesn't know how to take that. That's a normal reaction to having a kid become an adult, but she's obviously not taking it well. Tell her what's what, and if she decides to be a bitch about it, well then, that's her choice. She's just a person, and can act however she wants. If she acts like a bitch, then you don't want to be around her and you SHOULD NOT feel obligated to put up with her behavior.

LPM, I would also say to you that the reaction that your future mother in law is having is a normal one, and is NOT in any way related to you, nor should you let it affect how you feel about yourself or your relationship with Kevin. You two deserve to be happy together, and if you truly love each other (which, after all you have been through, it's obvious that you do) then don't let ANYTHING get between you. One of two things is going to happen- either Kevin's mom will start acting like a mature adult and feel sheepish for the way she's been acting, or she'll keep acting like a bitch and only end up hurting herself in the long run.

Remember, your mother is no longer your mother. She's just a person who happened to give birth to you. She can be your friend or your acquiantance, and you can still respect her because she's your mom, but you definitely do NOT have to like her nor do you have to put up with her behavior.

It's a hard thing to go through, the transition from being under the influence of your parents to being a complete adult, but it's possible and we ALL have had to do it at one time or another. You can do it, and best of luck. We're all here for you!
__________________
Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's
She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox
She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus
In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous
-C'hi
Sage is offline  
Old 10-29-2006, 08:39 PM   #11 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
 
Willravel's Avatar
 
Your mother owes you a massive apology, and would greatly benifit from seeing a counsoler. There's not much to say that hasn't been said. Her language, despite syntax, is that of a 5 year old who didn't get her candy. Instead of dealing with the lack of candy, she lashed out at you and your fience. Her problems dwarf your own, and I'm very sorry for that. If you're going to confront her about this attack, and you probably should as this kind of open wound can become infected, please do so in a structured environment with a professional. Don't communicate via e-mail or phone in resolving this, as I doubt it will end peacefully. She needs to understand that her behavior is childish at best, and despicable at worst, while being moderated by an unbiased and trained intermediary.

LPM, you're a strong woman, and I know you'll come out on the other side of thiis eating disorder happy and healthy. We're all pulling for you.
Willravel is offline  
Old 10-29-2006, 08:52 PM   #12 (permalink)
Tilted Cat Head
 
Cynthetiq's Avatar
 
Administrator
Location: Manhattan, NY
at some point in time you cut your apron strings... sometimes with them letting go which is easy peasy, or you have to use some scissors to do it... and sometimes you just use whatever is handy to just sever them because that's what happens if you just react to it.

that said, this isn't the first time it will happen if you don't deal with it in some fashion now. It's going to keep happeing for as long as you two are together.

How did Skogafoss and I deal with it? We both told our parents not to expect us for any holidays. We won't share our holidays out of obligation, but will choose on our own who we go spend time with. This year my parents asked if we would go to Tampa to spend a last Thanksgiving with grandpa and the whole family. We obliged them. They also asked if they could come to NY and spend Xmas with us. When asking they acknoledged this isn't a ploy to convince us to get together for holidays.

In fact, we like to spend our holidays overseas, especially Thanksgiving, since European countries don't have Thanksgiving!

/
__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.
Cynthetiq is offline  
Old 10-29-2006, 10:44 PM   #13 (permalink)
Insane
 
I just breezed through the email. but serriously, you arent obligated to be eating turkey anywhere at any time. Im planning on going hunting with a friend for thanksgiving, as opposed to being with my family. sure my dad might be dissapointed that I wont be there to work over the thanksgiving holiday, but meh. Im sure your dad doesnt much care about what you do on thanksgiving either.

I would say that unless they are sponsoring you financially in some way, then you are your own man with your own plans.

write her back and apoligize that life got in the way of some obscure holiday. honestly, if she really wanted to see you and the whole family together, she would have the sense to move the holiday plans to a different date....

EDIT: I read the rest of the email..so you were going to go to thanksgiving dinner, but she doesnt like lily...so... I dunno man, sounds like an old school guilt trip/I dont like lily rant to me

I had to call my grandmother out about guilt trips once...but have never had to do it again (and no, she isnt dead).

and I can see why you sent her an email about the subject instead of calling, It was very factual and to the point. she got upset because she didnt get to make you feel bad over the phone at the minimum.

Last edited by waltert; 10-29-2006 at 11:07 PM..
waltert is offline  
Old 11-08-2006, 12:27 AM   #14 (permalink)
Psycho
 
I finally responded to my mom's email after seeing my counselor once again today (that's 2 sessions spent on this subject):

Quote:
Mom,

After 3 weeks of contemplating and 5 hours of discussion with my counselor I've come to the following conclusion: I love Lily, and I love my family, and will not be forced to choose one over the other. I'm sorry you feel the way you do about us, but I insist that we be recognized as a couple.

We have not resolved what our plans are for the holidays.
I sent the email to my mom, my dad, my sister, LPM, and LPM's mom, with the original two emails attached.
My mother responded with the following, also addressed to the same people (likely to try and save face):
Quote:
Son
I am glad you took time to think about it. I know you love Lily and your family. I am not asking you to choose. I just wanted you to know how I feel.

Love Mom
Unfortunately I still do not know what I'm doing for the holidays. Yes, this issue has now expanded on to Christmas, and future holidays as well. My counselor helped me to realize that if I do not make a stand for independence and control of my own life RIGHT NOW, it's only going to be more difficult. I just have to get up the guts to do it.


As a side note, my sister chimed in with this:
Quote:
Kevin,
I love you. I don't love her, but I have continued and will continue to treat her civilly as promised many months ago. I do recognize you as an engaged couple, but I am sorry that you have lost your individuality.
Love,
Ki
and my dad sent me some junkmail about rednecks getting married.
insidious_machinae is offline  
Old 11-08-2006, 12:48 PM   #15 (permalink)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
*Nikki*'s Avatar
 
Location: Charleston, SC
Kevin I understand your situation, as I have also a VERY controlling mother. She is the queen of guilt trips and if I don't give in to what she wants, she makes my life, and that of my husbands, miserable. In all of my 31 years I have yet to figure out a way to handle this. It seems that no amount of proclamining my independance and adulthood has mattered in the least. Good luck to you and Lily in this matter.
*Nikki* is offline  
Old 11-08-2006, 01:44 PM   #16 (permalink)
peekaboo
 
ngdawg's Avatar
 
Location: on the back, bitch
Holy SHIT, you mother is a manipulative little player, ain't she?
You're an adult, not a baby. Do what YOU want for the holidays and that includes as little stress as possible. Hell, go out to a movie instead and forget the holiday altogether.
I can see why you two go to therapy....you'd be wise to cut ties with both families for a while.
Edit: Nikki, LPM, et al: This bears repeating over and over: No one can take advantage of you without your permission. If you KNOW these mothers, sisters, etc., are manipulative and you give in, what's been accomplished? They do what they do because they can; every speaker needs an audience.
No one can take advantage of you without your permission. And that includes laying a guilt trip on your heads.
__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Last edited by ngdawg; 11-08-2006 at 01:51 PM..
ngdawg is offline  
Old 11-08-2006, 02:18 PM   #17 (permalink)
pig
pigglet pigglet
 
pig's Avatar
 
Location: Locash
yep, well that sucks donkey balls right there. i mean, that is some email. i'm kind of curious what your sister's situation is. is she married, or does she live with your parents, or neither? i can understand that y'all have had a stressful several years, but her reaction doesn't really help. those are the kind of words that just cause more difficulty. i get the feeling that (of course) there is more to this story than we know, but regardless that's a tough pill to swallow. in the end, i agree that if you're firm in your convictions and your position, then all you can do that will have any lasting impact is simply go through with your plans the way you need to. just sucks to have all that melodrama loaded into it.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!
__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style
pig is offline  
Old 11-08-2006, 02:50 PM   #18 (permalink)
Darth Papa
 
ratbastid's Avatar
 
Location: Yonder
Quote:
Originally Posted by JinnKai
The BEST revenge on people who tell you you're 'falling apart' is to live a successful life.
Which is, of course, all a mother really wants for her child.

So the best way to "get her" is to give her what she really wants: that you're a successful, happy, well-adjusted man.
ratbastid is offline  
Old 11-08-2006, 04:23 PM   #19 (permalink)
Filling the Void.
 
la petite moi's Avatar
 
Location: California
ngdawg, your advice is very good. My only problem is that I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, other than having a mental disorder and loving her son. They think I am telling Kevin what to do, when really he just would rather spend time with me. I'm not just assuming he does, because he's TOLD me how boring and annoying his family is. I think one thing they blame on me is the fact that Kevin wanted to go on a cruise for his 21st birthday instead of Las Vegas. Because I am 20, he said that he wouldn't be able to do much with me, so Las Vegas would be boring. His parents think that I controlled him into thinking that he shouldn't do to LV. Blah. Such drama. I'm the sort of person who is relatively passive, and don't like fighting. And this is just ridiculous.

pigglet, his sister is 25, single (has been for four years?), still goes to university for her doctorate, and calls their mom every night. She pretty much has no social life, and their mom sets her up on dates and shit. Of course, she's insanely picky in men, and none of them are good enough for her. They have to be virgin, religious, conservative, AND attractive. Oh, and they have to be white, pretty much. Yeah.

ratbastid, I would LOVE to show her how much we care and love for each other, but all she sees is me controlling her son. And unfortunately, we will have to wait years (maybe never) for his family to "accept" me and see that Kevin is okay where he is. Thanksgiving/Christmas is in the near future.

So, what should I say to her when I do see her again? What about Kevin's dad? His sister? Obviously, I cannot just smile and say: Hi, how are you? like I typically do.
la petite moi is offline  
Old 11-08-2006, 04:37 PM   #20 (permalink)
pig
pigglet pigglet
 
pig's Avatar
 
Location: Locash
lpm,

my personal take is that this is complicated issue, and one which seems to suck. yea, and verily. i'll have to think a bit to have any decent input. it sounds like his sister is still pretty heavily under the parental wing, and quite influenced by them - i was just trying to understand her comments. its one thing for parents to be whack-ass possessive, but usually the siblings (in my experience) are less so. might get caught in the middle, but this talk of losing links's individuality is interesting to me.

good luck with the conversations to ensue? i mean, what the fuck? "hey mom in law? glad to know you hate me. this is such a great and comfortable situation. how's tricks?" any chance y'all might show up with you having links on a dog-collar and leash? probably not. well, y'all have all the makings of an indy film, i'll give y'all that. my guess is y'all will just have to tough it out, and be ready for all kinds of craziness.
__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style
pig is offline  
Old 11-08-2006, 08:51 PM   #21 (permalink)
Tilted Cat Head
 
Cynthetiq's Avatar
 
Administrator
Location: Manhattan, NY
i've also learned that when the tables are turned... it's all still fair.

when you actually have the baby you speak of.. they'll change their tune because they will want to see the grandchild. Know who has the power then? You.

One of the many things I remember about life...

the toes you step on today may be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.
Cynthetiq is offline  
Old 11-08-2006, 09:36 PM   #22 (permalink)
Filling the Void.
 
la petite moi's Avatar
 
Location: California
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cynthetiq
i've also learned that when the tables are turned... it's all still fair.

when you actually have the baby you speak of.. they'll change their tune because they will want to see the grandchild. Know who has the power then? You.

One of the many things I remember about life...

the toes you step on today may be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
So, so, SOOOO true. We've been discussing having a child, and the only thought I have is: "OMG HOW WOULD I DEAL WITH KATHY?"
la petite moi is offline  
Old 11-09-2006, 08:33 AM   #23 (permalink)
©
 
StanT's Avatar
 
Location: Colorado
In my marriage, Christmas was always the holiday battle. Nothing we could do made everyone happy (particularly ourselves). We solved the problem by going skiing over Christmas a couple years in a row. Pissed off both sets of parents equally and established the fact that we were going to do as we pleased. These days our attendance is appreciated, rather than required.
StanT is offline  
Old 11-10-2006, 07:13 AM   #24 (permalink)
peekaboo
 
ngdawg's Avatar
 
Location: on the back, bitch
Quote:
Originally Posted by la petite moi
ngdawg, your advice is very good. My only problem is that I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, other than having a mental disorder and loving her son. They think I am telling Kevin what to do, when really he just would rather spend time with me. I'm not just assuming he does, because he's TOLD me how boring and annoying his family is. I think one thing they blame on me is the fact that Kevin wanted to go on a cruise for his 21st birthday instead of Las Vegas. Because I am 20, he said that he wouldn't be able to do much with me, so Las Vegas would be boring. His parents think that I controlled him into thinking that he shouldn't do to LV. Blah. Such drama. I'm the sort of person who is relatively passive, and don't like fighting. And this is just ridiculous.

pigglet, his sister is 25, single (has been for four years?), still goes to university for her doctorate, and calls their mom every night. She pretty much has no social life, and their mom sets her up on dates and shit. Of course, she's insanely picky in men, and none of them are good enough for her. They have to be virgin, religious, conservative, AND attractive. Oh, and they have to be white, pretty much. Yeah.

ratbastid, I would LOVE to show her how much we care and love for each other, but all she sees is me controlling her son. And unfortunately, we will have to wait years (maybe never) for his family to "accept" me and see that Kevin is okay where he is. Thanksgiving/Christmas is in the near future.

So, what should I say to her when I do see her again? What about Kevin's dad? His sister? Obviously, I cannot just smile and say: Hi, how are you? like I typically do.
Actually, yes, you can. You're not obligated to fake caring, really. These people are basically saying 'her or us' with the idea that they will 'win'. My own take on this is anyone who gives such ultimatums better be prepared to lose.
Don't try to figure what you're 'doing wrong'; it's their concern, really and you could sprout wings and grant wishes and it would probably be seen as negative.
StanT's take on this is spot-on. You should go because you want to and you're welcome there; otherwise, do what you want to do. In time (hopefully), your presence will be welcome because of it's rarity and because you'll be more relaxed due to not being as obligated.
I took matters into my own hands with the holidays after I had my kids. Both families wanted us with them, but they're an hour apart. Packing up two babies, with all their things, plus gifts at Christmas, splitting the day with all that driving, made the holidays full of dread, stress and anger(plus I've never been made to feel comfortable at the in-laws-spouse married someone totally unreligious, I'm his second wife, etc). I started having Thanksgiving at my house with both families present and I do Christmas brunch at my house with my family, they go home in the afternoon and we then head over to my in-laws for dinner. Somewhere down the line, these may be things for you two to consider when you get your own place-then it's up to THEM to accept or decline.
__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.
ngdawg is offline  
Old 11-10-2006, 07:42 AM   #25 (permalink)
Falling Angel
 
Sultana's Avatar
 
Location: L.A. L.A. land
Quote:
Originally Posted by StanT
In my marriage, Christmas was always the holiday battle. Nothing we could do made everyone happy (particularly ourselves). We solved the problem by going skiing over Christmas a couple years in a row. Pissed off both sets of parents equally and established the fact that we were going to do as we pleased. These days our attendance is appreciated, rather than required.
Perfect resolution, in my opinion!

Guys, stop letting them control you. Who cares what they think? Sure it's hurtful, but being close to psycho people tends to hurt. So back off. Distance yourself emotionally. You don't need their approval.

Personally, if my loony-toon family was in any way hurting the feelings of my finance, I'd send them a card from Hawaii on x-mas day. Seriously. You don't *have* to go anywhere, or do anything (short of work requirements), ever. Take control of your lives, it's overdue.
*hug*
__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening


My goal? To fulfill my potential.
Sultana is offline  
Old 12-05-2006, 08:27 AM   #26 (permalink)
pinche vato
 
warrrreagl's Avatar
 
Location: backwater, Third World, land of cotton
Sooo - how did this end up? Don't leave a brother hanging....
__________________
Living is easy with eyes closed.
warrrreagl is offline  
Old 12-05-2006, 11:53 AM   #27 (permalink)
Filling the Void.
 
la petite moi's Avatar
 
Location: California
Sorry for not updating!

So nwlinkvxd went to our hometown for Thanksgiving- he would sleep at our mutual friend's house. That pissed his dad off, who said that it "hurt his feelings" that he wouldn't stay at his parents' house. nwlinkvxd firmly stayed with his opinion that until his mom apologises (which she won't), nwlinkvxd will not forgive her.

I stayed home and worked (and I got a fat bonus in my check- woohoo). My parents came up to see me (!!!) the day after.
la petite moi is offline  
Old 12-05-2006, 01:52 PM   #28 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Under the Radar
I don't know how I missed this thread, but let me tell you that I really feel your pain. I went through some of this stuff when I first got married, and boy did it ever suck. My wife and I went from throughly enjoying holidays, when we were single, to dreading them. My parents were relentless with the guilt trips and angry phone messages if they didn't get what they wanted. I could write a book about the controlling parents from hell!!

Anyhow, it looks like neither of you caved to their demands, which I applaud. I'm sure the same kind of situation will arise at Christmas, so just continue to be firm with your families. Spend Christmas how you would want to spend it, not how they want you to spend it.

Sometimes, as in my case, it takes quite a bit of support from each other to make the holidays a happy time. There may be a lot of negativity cast in your direction, which can take a bit to overcome.
Average_Joe is offline  
 

Tags
drama, plea, thanksgiving

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:40 AM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360