Guys, I need some (serious) relationship advice... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

sailor · 11-01-2005, 11:11 AM

OK. My mind is a complete mess right now, so forgive any rambling, nonsensical sentences, or whatever else.

I've been dating this girl, we'll call her A, for 9 months. Some time prior to my meeting her, she was not the type of girl I would have ever dated—loved partying, ended up in a different guy’s bed every Friday night… That sort of thing. I knew her through a friend, and hadn’t planned on dating her, except that I helped her through some hard times she was having, saw that she was trying to change, and when later she told me she had feelings for me, I decided to give it a shot—no harm in trying. I ended up falling for her a bit harder than I had thought I would, and thankfully watched as she changed from who she had been into a good girl you’d be proud to bring home to the parents. She definitely retained her sex drive though, something I very much appreciated.

Some of you may remember another thread I posted here a while back. The gist of it is, that I had decided, before I met her, that I was going to be going abroad to study in Germany for this year. We ended up deciding to try to stay together through it, realizing that we both strongly loved each other, and not wanting to give that up. So, recognizing that we were going to have a rough time ahead of us, I went to Germany.

I’ve been in Germany for two months now. Things with us were fine at first, but there have recently been a few problems. Nothing major, just not perfect—things were hard, just like we knew they would be. I think the biggest problem is that she has been missing me, very much. We’d spend hours on Skype, and it seemed to get worse and worse every day.

Anyways, just a few minutes ago, I get a skype call from her. I was immediately alarmed, as she was supposed to be in class at this time, and getting a skype call meant that she was back in her apartment 30 minutes from campus. She gets on, shaky voice, and says she has something to tell me (bet you know where this is going…). Last night was Halloween, which is a massive spectacle in Chapel Hill, with 75,000 students from colleges all over the state packing onto the main street in town. She tells me that she had been out last night, and that she had kissed some guy. OK, I’m not happy, and kinda worried. But hey—maybe it was just a drunk, hey, I haven’t seen you in a while, peck on the cheek. Still not good, but I can get over it. So I ask her what kind of kiss we were talking. “About a 10 minute one.” AKA, not a kiss, she made out with the guy.

I didn’t fly off the handle. I thanked her for telling me straight-up before I found out from someone else, and told her I needed some time to think and clear my head, and that I would get in touch when I had something more to say.

Now I don’t know what to think. I know she loves me, and that she’s truly sorry. She’s practically throwing up right now she’s crying so hard. But I’m not sure I can forgive her that easily. I mean, she didn’t peck him on the cheek, she made out with him for 10 minutes. I was concerned that, knowing her sex drive and that she gets flirty when she drinks (which isn’t often anymore, thankfully), something like this might happen, and it has. I don’t know whether I should cut her off now, I don’t know whether I should forgive her and move on, I don’t even know what to think right now.

So please, any thoughts or comments are appreciated. Serious only though, please. I’m not in the mood to laugh when someone I’ve loved for the better part of a year has cheated on me.

Willravel · 11-01-2005, 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sailor

I didn’t fly off the handle. I thanked her for telling me straight-up before I found out from someone else, and told her I needed some time to think and clear my head, and that I would get in touch when I had something more to say.

That's one of the most mature things I've read in Sexuality. Seriously. Very well done. That response shows a great deal of maturity.

Now let's break this down. She used to be a bit permiscuous, but she has changed a great deal since meeting you. You both care for each other deeply, shown by your being committed to each other and by her sickly response to what she did.

It seems to me that she is remorseful which tells me that you have an opportunity to nip this problem early. People who give up a more active and 'free-spirited' sexual lifestyle often face a kind of temptation to return that neither you nor I can ever understand (assuming that you did not live like this before). Because of that you must make clear that you love her and understand, but want this to NEVER happen again. I would suggest laying off alcohol in public places for a few months, even after you're back, to make sure this won't develope into alcoholism or a sex addiction associated with alcohol.

Again, I applaud your maturity and wish you the best. Auf Wiedersehen.

Redlemon · 11-01-2005, 11:31 AM

She screwed up, but she didn't try to hide it. She is clearly very sorry about it. I would give her a pass on this one and forgive her. A week from now, you can discuss it further with her and try to figure out what went wrong and how to keep it from happening in the future, but for now, just forgive her.

NoSoup · 11-01-2005, 11:37 AM

Ugh, tough call my friend.

Although I can't say for certain what you would do, I'd keep these things in mind.

1) She was drinking, and probably not in the best position to make any rational decisions.

2) It was only kissing - she didn't sleep with another guy

3) Although I'm certain this seems like a big deal right now, you will likely have much more difficult times ahead if you end up staying together for a long time and/or getting married someday.

4) She was honest with you, after the fact.

Sometimes, it is better just to forgive and forget minor indescretions than to end a relationship - especially one with such potential - over them.

However, on the other side of the fence...

1) She abused, and possibly destroyed your trust

2) It doesn't really matter if she was drunk or not - if she can't control herself while drinking, she shouldn't have been drinking that much. Even if it was partially attributed to being drunk, it wasn't a quick peck - she made out with some dude.

Basically, although she may feel genuinely terrible right now, it may or may not make an impression on her. If she does something similar six months or a year from now, then it didn't really make a difference. If she has indeed learned her lesson, and realized that you're the person she wants to be with, then hopefully she'll avoid such behavior in the future...

Either way, good luck!

Gamer90 · 11-01-2005, 11:46 AM

This has got to be the most mature post on this forum to date. The way you handled the whole situation shows what kind of person you are. I am very glad that she told you straight out what happened and didn't try to hide it from you. Most girls would think "Oh well my b/f is thousands of miles away, he'll never find out". I suggest you forgive her, but make sure she understands that this isn't a free pass. Let her know that should she ever do something like this again the trust between the two of you may not exist and you may think about moving on.

abaya · 11-01-2005, 11:48 AM

This happened to a friend of mine when we were studying in Iceland together for a year, but the other way around. He was long-distance with his gf (who was in London), and 4-5 months of that he accidentally kissed someone else. We were all drunk in Greenland at the time (don't ask), and he ended up making out with this woman. He realized what he had done the next day, and was VERY remorseful, like your gf. He wrote his gf a long, apologetic letter, and she flew to see him as soon as she could, so they could talk it out in person (since it was the distance that was a catalyst for this behavior in the first place). They got through it, though it was very difficult for her to forgive him.

(Sidenote: They ended up being long-distance for a few years after that, and at the end they broke up because they just weren't in the same place in life, which meant that one was always abroad while the other was at home.)

Anyway, it sounds like she is really sorry about it, and from her history, it doesn't sound completely out-of-line. Old lifestyle habits are hard to break, especially when the one who helped her change is so far away and not there to keep her accountable. It's not a very nice thing to do... she ought to have laid off the alcohol, knowing her own behavior well enough without you there to remind her... but it sounds like she is still struggling with establishing her own integrity without you there to reinforce it. But it sounds like she is just plain human, like the rest of us. If she had slept with someone, that's another story... and yeah, a long make-out is worse than a peck on the cheek, but still. She didn't sleep with him.

Is this a first offense? If so, I'd forgive it, and honor her honesty. Keep an eye on how she deals with the distance in the coming year, though. I know that distance wreaked havoc on my ability to enjoy life when ktspktsp and I were apart for only 2.5 months... a year is really rough (which we may have to endure in the next couple of years, too). It needs a lot of flexibility and grace, which doesn't always come naturally.

sailor · 11-01-2005, 11:57 AM

OK, an addendum.

I was jacking up my cell phone bill and talking to one of my friends back on the other side of the pond about the whole thing. Turns out, he was at a party with my girlfriend a week or so ago. At said party, at some point, she was practically begging him not to let her hook up with anyone.

I don't know what to make of that. There are so many things it could mean--one, she knew she was having problems, but still acted on them. Or, that she knew she was having problems and was trying not to act on them.

Anyways, the whole point that she was having problems so badly in the first place somewhat concerns me. I know people get horny, but I think this could be indicative of some of the commitment issues that I saw in her before we started dating. If she needs her boyfriend to be there with her, thats fine, but if that's the case, we shouldnt be in a long distance relationship.

I also had thought about breaking up with her last week, though not because of anything she had done. I was concerned that we were both being more of a drag on each other than we were a help--she was miserable without me. And I wasn't enjoying having to worry about what would happen if she went to a party and was drinking.

I'm still kind of leaning towards the breakup route anyways. When we first started dating, we had a talk about this and her past--I was concerned then that she might have issues with commitment, and that I wasn't going to be very lenient if there was a problem.

God, I just dont even know what to feel. Angry, sad, defeated, empty, even relieved that I might not have to go 9 more months missing her, after a short painful period of getting over it.

*sigh*

Willravel · 11-01-2005, 11:58 AM

Between sailor and abaya I think we've learned a lesson: don't drink and have long distance relationships. It doesn't make the pain go away, and you might end up doing something really stupid.

MI personally wouldn't break up, but you might consider opening the relationship (i.e. no longer exclusive).

snow wombat · 11-01-2005, 12:17 PM

She did something bad, but didn't wait to tell you. What would you in couple of monthe of being alone and lonely and after a few beers a nice German lady sitting next to you becomes very attractive? Would you get on the phone to tell her. If you would, I would then make the rules clear and give her another chance if she wants it.

What part of Germany are you in?

Good luck!

raveneye · 11-01-2005, 12:26 PM

I know more than a few women who were party animals in their teens and twenties, but who managed to settle down and are now happily married with families. In fact, I married one

But then my wife never did anything like you describe either . . . .

If I were you and this was a relationship I wanted to hold on to, I'd (1) forgive her, and (2) let her know in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable. Long distance relationships though are a real test of your willpower and commitment. Viel Glueck!

Redlemon · 11-01-2005, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sailor

I also had thought about breaking up with her last week, though not because of anything she had done. I was concerned that we were both being more of a drag on each other than we were a help--she was miserable without me. And I wasn't enjoying having to worry about what would happen if she went to a party and was drinking.

I'm still kind of leaning towards the breakup route anyways.

That certainly puts a different spin on the situation. Have you been dating her in order to "save" her? There's a term for that, I don't remember what it is, but my wife's best guy friend went through a number of relationships where he was trying to be the knight in shining armor, and it wasn't healthy for him or his women.

I guess I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I wanted to throw it out there.

sailor · 11-01-2005, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Redlemon

That certainly puts a different spin on the situation. Have you been dating her in order to "save" her? There's a term for that, I don't remember what it is, but my wife's best guy friend went through a number of relationships where he was trying to be the knight in shining armor, and it wasn't healthy for him or his women.

I guess I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I wanted to throw it out there.

Definitely not. I could definitely see how that wouldnt be healthy or helpful.

For those that were asking/wondering, I'm in Tuebingen, a university town south of Stuttgart, in southwest Germany, about equidistant from France and Switzerland.

Thanks for the advice guys, keep it coming...

hossified · 11-01-2005, 01:21 PM

this is a tough one...and its gonna come down to YOU! Yeah she was drunk...and yeah kissing isn't as bad as f-ucking.....but you being soooo far away, are you going to be able to trust her now...whether she is sober or drunk?? I guarantee you it will be super hard...and you probably will be nervous on nights where she says she is going out. I would say give it a week and have a serious talk with her about why she did it, and hwere she sees you guys going. And don't let her get into the routine of "i'll never do it again, i feel so terrible......blah blah".....because those kinds of answers are almost reflex in a situation like this.

I know for me...having been thru something similar....I will never give 'her' the benefit of the doubt again (as I once did)...because sooner or later, she will repeat the actions and you will get to go through it all over again (in my experience). Once a cheater...always a cheater (regardless of drunkeness etc...)

ALso....you are going to school in a different country...and have a girlfriend back home??? You should be living it up totally, as this is probably the only time in your life you will have this chance! If you and your current SO feel a little confused right now...put things ont he backburner, go out live it up, and when you return see where things go....

good luck man, let us know how it turns out

c172g · 11-01-2005, 01:23 PM

I will disagree with just about everyone here. The thing that makes us different from animals is that we can control our sexual desires. If I have to go out and ask a friend to keep me from jumping in the sack with someone, I seem to think that my ability to control myself has gone away. Also, since she had her tongue down some guys throat for 10 minutes seems to make me feel the same way.

I've had a girlfriend who cheated on me (all the way, not just kissing) but before that happened there were a few episodes of making out with other guys, and I swallowed my pride and stuck it out. Bad call & a big waste of time. Not trying to be funny, my advice is kick her ass to the curb & check out Germany. Way too much to see in life to stick with someone you cannot trust, and even if she calls you after the fact it's still being dishonest.

If someone gets drunk to the point that they can't control their urges, they have some major problems. I love to drink & when I do I get horny. I dated my wife for three years before we got married and both of us were the same way. However, when we were apart neither of us had any problem in controlling our sexual urges.

Move on my friend, and enjoy everything your life has to offer. See the sights, cut the cord & meet some German women. Most people enjoy sex, your current SO isn't the only one out there.

Lead543 · 11-01-2005, 01:25 PM

My boyfriend and I are about to turn into a long distance relationship. He'll be gone for 2 weeks and back for 1-2. Now, I think you two have started a good base, because you've spent time together before it turned long distance.

I couldn't imagine cheating on my boyfriend while he's away because the time we spend together means absolutely everything to me.

I think your girlfriend feels the same way, because, well. she came clean. But, at the same time she needs to control her behavviour. If she can't trust herself around other people how are you supposed to trust her?

I can't say whether or not to cut her lose, but from your post earlier, it sounds like you may already know the answer to your question.

martinguerre · 11-01-2005, 01:30 PM

first...enjoy tubigen. my envy that i'm not there...they have one of the best biblical studies departments of the entire world.

second...i had a relationship end by cheating by kissing...and it wasn't the kiss that broke it up, but our problems in the aftermath. by the time i forgave her, she was already so insecure that she'd moved on.

Right now, tell her the reason your upset and angry is that you care deeply about her. Right now. Tell her that doesn't mean that you'll be together forever, or that you know what the future holds...

That's the collective wisdom i have to impart...only you two can figure out if you can repair your trust in each other. if you get back togehter....i strongly reccomend really talking about what she thinks brought her to that point...and one she knew she was getting close to.

ruggerp11 · 11-01-2005, 03:32 PM

my suggestion?

Break up. You'll have more fun in Germany and she'll be able to do whatever she wants.

If, when you come back she is there and wants to be back with you then do it then. Long distance sucks (I'm in one now), but once the trust is gone its almost impossible to replace from so far away.

I'm in a different place (as is my gf) than you. I'm done with college and had already sowed my wild oats in London. she, and you are still sowing yours.

nightstuff · 11-02-2005, 06:19 AM

Having my gf cheat on me would really really be upsetting, especially if I couldnt see her in person to clear things up properly. That said, If i really loved her and felt she loved me (it shows), and that she seemed very sorry, i'd most likely give her another chance. But I'd be damn sure she understood that I was upset about it, and IF it happened again then it was over, end of story. But after all that, I'd forgive her and express my apprecation for her honesty.

You're dealing with an honest girl filled with remorse at making a human mistake by hurting the guy she loves...sounds like the kind of girl I'd like to come home to at the end of my trip.

Dragonknight · 11-02-2005, 09:24 AM

I'm in the military and know all about long dist relationships, and the fears that come with them. My now wife never cheated on me, but I know how stressful things are already. Here's my thoughts.

Pro's

1. She came out rather quickly for being so far away. To me this means that you've given her a reason to care enough to come out and dell you quickly. This means a lot when her past is completely the opposite. You mean enough to her, that when something did happen she felt bad about it.

2. It didn't go all the way. I'm sure it had the potential to considering the situation.

3. I truly believe that love conquers all. If you truly love each other equally then you both can get through this. My wife and I have been together for almost 6 years. We started dating in HS. Two years after our relationship I went to the Marines and have seen her for may 200 days out of the year every year. Some times less, due to deployments and such. My point you can do it if you try.

Cons

2. Being drunk isn't an excuse when you already knew that there was a chance you might do something. She asked your friend to watch her. She knew she was in a dangerous position and only made it worse by drinking. (she was drinking right? you never actually said she was drunk)

3. It's in her past to be a sex loving person. She slipped up once, it could happen again.

You have to ask yourself if this relationship is worth fighting for. If it is forgive her and DON'T bring it up ever again. If you truly forgive someone you can never hold that same thing over there head. Also if it happens again, see it for what it is and end the relationship.

If the relationship is not worth fighting for, then cut you losses have fun in Germany, and look each other up when you get home and can actually be with each other and not having to worry about long distances.

Either way you go, good luck.

sailor · 11-02-2005, 11:29 AM

Thanks for the responses yall. I appreciate it.

So I just got off the phone with her. She knows what she did was wrong. She knows she's lost my trust and that it's going to be hard for her to regain that. And I'm convinced that she's truly sorry.

Long story short, I forgave her for what she did, but I haven't made any decision yet as to what we're going to do about it. I don't know yet if we're going to stay together or break up. My thought right now is that this could be indicative of other, bigger problems in the relationship, and if things aren't working now, 9 more months is a long fucking time. The last week, leading up to this, has been the hardest in our relationship, and I just have to do some soul searching and decide if this relationship is something I want to hang onto.

I've decided to go on with the plans I had before this happened and travel a bit this weekend, though modified a bit--instead of running around playing tourist and trying to see as much as possible, I'm going to camp myself out in this highly recommended and very beautiful (and cheap!) castle hotel (http://burg-colmberg.de/) a few hours from here. I'll read, sleep (since I didn't get a wink last night), write, relax, and try to figure out what needs to happen. I also think this will be good for her--she has several tests coming up, and regardless of what we end up doing, I don't want her failing out of school because of it.

Anyways, please keep the comments coming. I really appreciate everyone's insights.

sailor · 11-02-2005, 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragonknight

1. She came out rather quickly for being so far away. To me this means that you've given her a reason to care enough to come out and dell you quickly. This means a lot when her past is completely the opposite. You mean enough to her, that when something did happen she felt bad about it.

This right here is the reason I didn't immediately drop her. I told her, and meant it, that I was very glad that she told me, immediately, and that I was proud of her for doing so. That it goes against the girl she was a year ago makes me even happier. She's trying, and that counts for a lot.

Quote:

2. Being drunk isn't an excuse when you already knew that there was a chance you might do something. She asked your friend to watch her. She knew she was in a dangerous position and only made it worse by drinking. (she was drinking right? you never actually said she was drunk)

3. It's in her past to be a sex loving person. She slipped up once, it could happen again.

These are exactly the problems I'm having with all of this. She was drinking, and I told her the same thing--it's not an excuse, at all. If she knew she was having problems, she shouldn't have put herself in harm's way. And it's not fair to me to have to be spending my time 3000 miles away worried about if she's with some other guy.

Quote:

You have to ask yourself if this relationship is worth fighting for. If it is forgive her and DON'T bring it up ever again. If you truly forgive someone you can never hold that same thing over there head. Also if it happens again, see it for what it is and end the relationship.

If the relationship is not worth fighting for, then cut you losses have fun in Germany, and look each other up when you get home and can actually be with each other and not having to worry about long distances.

My thoughts precisely. So now, even harder than forgiving her, I have to decide whether the relationship is worth hanging onto. This is the hardest thing I've ever done; I care for her deeply, but I'm not sure we need to be in a long distance relationship. It's made all the harder by knowing that we wouldn't be having this problem if I was back in Chapel Hill with her.

Thanks for the great comment, I appreciate the help.

sapituca · 11-02-2005, 01:25 PM

Been there, done that.

The bad news: Distance is one, if not the most, effective ways to end relationships.
The good news: Distance is one of the, if not the most, effective ways to end relationships.

So:

A) If you enjoy misery: do not forget her and try the long distance thingy. I feel sorry for you already.

B) If you do not enjoy misery, there are still 2 obtions:
1- Forget about her. I mean REALLY forget about it.
2- Do not forget about her AND find a way to be with her NOW.

PS: My advice is to choose option B 1, toghether with new German GF, if you do not plan on going back in time.

nightstuff · 11-03-2005, 01:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sapituca

B) If you do not enjoy misery, there are still 2 obtions:
1- Forget about her. I mean REALLY forget about it.
2- Do not forget about her AND find a way to be with her NOW.

PS: My advice is to choose option B 1, toghether with new German GF, if you do not plan on going back in time.

I dont know, call me sentimental, but I dont just dump a girl if things turn long distance, as long as the distance is temporary. Obviously the question "is she worth it" will have to be something considered. Guess thats the big question here, right. Judging by your attitude, Sapituca, no girl is worth it.

I'm impressed with your approach Sailor, and I agree with Willdravel. Judging by the way you are handling this, you seem very mature and comfortable with yourself in relationships.

~Lucian~ · 11-03-2005, 02:59 AM

Oh christ.. If this doesn't bring back memories of the last couple of years of my life.. Been there and done that myself, but then again, I'm an optimist and always will be.. and I've been in some fucked up situations. Ok so here's what happened to me - different, a tad more extreme, but just bear with me.

Firstly, my ex had some really well planted issues going down which I have no intention of trying to explain but yes, she was more than prone to sleeping around and yes, I tried (in vain) to try and change her ways. Not that I'm saying I was or am perfect.. but God did I try to understand her and make things work.

I met my ex-girlfriend online. Were just friends for a while and kept it at that for a while. Then she decides i'd be a far better match that her bf at the time and we decide to try our hands at dating. (Mistake number one)

Kept the long distance thing going for bout 6 - 8 months and met up just before christmas. I had started uni that summer in March and she was in her last year of high school. We had all these plans for the future and fell quite deeply in love.

We maintained a high level of openness (or at least i did) and had little things go awry (like her making out with a girlfriend and random shit like that) but I kept the faith and we worked everything through.. somehow.

Fast forward to july that year and she spent a week at my flat (like a room in college, but a whole house where you have flatmates as opposed to roomates). Anyway, pretty life changing stuff for me and it bought a whole new dimension to our relationship. And a whole lot more shit. All this emotional baggage and doubt from her came up on the last night she stayed with me and somehow I worked through all that too and we carried on as strong as ever.

A few months later she wanted to break up with me, I tryed to find out why and asked her to stay with me (what was I smoking?) I find out later that she was hiding something from me. When I confronted her it turned out she'd cheated on me twice, once while drunk and once with a guy who I could feel something was going on but I didn't let jealousy get the best of me and ignored it.. (Here's comes mistakes 5 or 6 through to about 978)

I stayed with her despite everyone's advice. I even lied to one of my best friends about what had happened. I bought her regret, her apologies and everything else. And somehow she gained my trust back..

Then, she has a huge fight with my mother around christmas, constantly drained every part of my soul away with her irrational jealousies, trust issues, and baggage from past relationships, while I try my best to be as supportive of her as humanly possible.. and finally SHE dumps ME for some random guy of the street who asks her out one day while at work. What's worse is her mother calls me to let me know what's going on

Great.. Hang on.. I may have already posted this up at some stage. At any rate that was the end of that and thus concluded the longest mind fuck i'd ever experienced in my life. Thank god for that.

So anyway. She gained my trust despite all the messed up crap she'd done, I believed her words and continued to be as loving and supportive as always. She turned around and dumped me anyway.

My advice: I know we have/had different situations, starting points and relationships. I'm not going to say break up with her and i'm not going to say that making out with a guy for 10 minutes while drunk is less serious than going all the way while drunk. If you seriously feel you can forgive her, then by all means forgive her. Just make sure nothing and I mean nothing like this happens again. It all comes down to control and if she can't control it, she may never change and you may have to move on. There's always misery in life but it's the rewards which make us take the risks. And a there's nothing more rewarding than a loving long term relationship. I wish you well with whatever you chose

tecoyah · 11-03-2005, 03:31 AM

Understand Human Nature.....everyone needs physical contact, in differing levels. It seems she needs more than you do but, you already shoud have known this from her past. Have a serious conversation about what she expects from you, and what you in turn expect from her, and be ready to compromise where "Making out" is concerned.
In my opinion, if you try to stop her....you are setting yourself up for dissapointment....she is after all, Human.

Catdaddy33 · 11-03-2005, 04:47 AM

I'd be concerned about her drinking, if she can't control herself when she drinks that's a sign of a drinking problem.

nightstuff · 11-03-2005, 05:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catdaddy33

I'd be concerned about her drinking, if she can't control herself when she drinks that's a sign of a drinking problem.

Nahhh... its not necessarily a drinking problem, but a problem with drinking. Its shown to lower peoples inhibitions. Many people do and say things while drinking that they wouldnt normaly while sober. Thats not a side effect limited to drunkards.

Martel · 11-03-2005, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nightstuff

Nahhh... its not necessarily a drinking problem, but a problem with drinking. Its shown to lower peoples inhibitions. Many people do and say things while drinking that they wouldnt normaly while sober.

Sure, but if your "inhibitions" are the only thing keeping you from betraying your SO then I'd say something's wrong with the situation.

That being said, I can almost sort of understand how if someone hadn't seen her SO in three months and was missing him terribly and missing all of his closeness, love, affection, and physical pleasures terribly and was drunk on top of all that, it all might sort of transfer onto the closest available outlet.

I'm not saying that's a good thing, I'm just saying I can kind of understand how it could happen.

Dragonknight · 11-03-2005, 09:01 PM

[QUOTE=sapituca]Been there, done that.

The bad news: Distance is one, if not the most, effective ways to end relationships.
The good news: Distance is one of the, if not the most, effective ways to end relationships.
QUOTE]

Sorry Sapituca I must add one more to these. While I Do agree with the bad news part.

The Other Good news: Distance is one, if not most, effective ways to make a relationship as strong as it will EVER be. If you can stick it out with a loved one through distance, especially great distance. Your relationship will be almost as strong as it will ever be.

abaya · 11-03-2005, 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragonknight

The Other Good news: Distance is one, if not most, effective ways to make a relationship as strong as it will EVER be. If you can stick it out with a loved one through distance, especially great distance. Your relationship will be almost as strong as it will ever be.

Indeed, Dragon is right. Not every LDR is destined to peter out and die... it just takes hard-core determination and a belief that what you are doing is worth it. It sounds like the OP is trying to sort out whether or not it is worth it, which is perfectly valid (esp. given his circumstances, age, and his gf's issues).

I think LDR's are massively difficult for the general population, but that if the average couple is forced to become LD for a temporary time (a few months to a few years), they will become exceptionally strong. At least, that's my hope, for my own LDR.

And believe me, I often feel *very* weak, but I love ktspktsp too much to give up, and I know he feels the same.

-Ever- · 11-06-2005, 07:37 PM

Man I have a feeling that my girlfriend is cheating on me right now and I *wish* she would just admit it and say sorry like yours did. Instead I'm stuck wondering why she doesn't want to come over tonight...

Case in point, I think it was very cool of her to tell you as people make mistakes, and even cooler of you to let her speak her mind without letting rage-driven emotions snuff out her honesty.

analog · 11-07-2005, 02:27 AM

I'm curious if there's an update to this scenario.

For my two cents, I always want to favor the route that chooses love. Yeah, she made out with a guy. I'd be upset too. Probably very upset. But, the fact that she was pretty much an emotional train wreck because of it, and came to you the very next day, AND wasn't even able to go to class because she was so screwed up over it, is really a very telling sign that it's not likely to ever happen again, and she's truly sorry for it to begin with. For me, this would be enough for me to be ok. What I would do if I found out she asked a friend to look out for her, to the point of begging not to let her go anywhere, would really just result in my saying, "then don't drink."

I mean really... this entire series of issues stems from her having an issue with inhibitions + drinking... which lots of people have. But, that should mean the drinking should stop. Tell her if she's going to be that way while you're gone, then skip the drinking for 9 months until you return to her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Redlemon

Have you been dating her in order to "save" her? There's a term for that, I don't remember what it is, but my wife's best guy friend went through a number of relationships where he was trying to be the knight in shining armor, and it wasn't healthy for him or his women.

It's usually referred to as "Rescuer Syndrome". I know it doesn't sound lofty, but oh well. People in caregiving positions commonly have issues with becoming subject to this mindset, if they develop a need for helping others to validate themselves. Regardless, I don't think that's the case here... I think he just really loves the girl and doesn't want to lose her over "nothing". It's normal to not want to lose a relationship over what is perceived to be trivial reasons. Everyone wants stuff to mean soemthing... and that especially includes loss.

sailor · 11-07-2005, 02:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by analog

I'm curious if there's an update to this scenario.

For my two cents, I always want to favor the route that chooses love. Yeah, she made out with a guy. I'd be upset too. Probably very upset. But, the fact that she was pretty much an emotional train wreck because of it, and came to you the very next day, AND wasn't even able to go to class because she was so screwed up over it, is really a very telling sign that it's not likely to ever happen again, and she's truly sorry for it to begin with. For me, this would be enough for me to be ok. What I would do if I found out she asked a friend to look out for her, to the point of begging not to let her go anywhere, would really just result in my saying, "then don't drink."

I mean really... this entire series of issues stems from her having an issue with inhibitions + drinking... which lots of people have. But, that should mean the drinking should stop. Tell her if she's going to be that way while you're gone, then skip the drinking for 9 months until you return to her.

Yeah. I've forgiven her for it; like you said, it was clear to me that she was devastated over it, possibly more than I was, and that was good enough for me to realize that she was truly sorry and that it wasn't going to happen again.

And I've realized that the problem does seem to stem from drinking. I've always known she got even hornier when drinking, and had noticed before that she does really lose all inhibitions and become more prey to what others want her to do. Prime example, three or four weeks ago, she was out, had a few drinks, and started smoking with some people because they wanted her to--and she never smokes. She didn't get an urge to smoke or anything, it was just that she was drunk and some people handed her a cigarette and told her to smoke it. And from the story I get from her about what happened here, it seems like she was quite drunk, and he started to come on to her, and she kinda went with the flow. So yeah, the problems stem from drinking a good bit.

She suggested (right before I did, actually) that she not drink anymore. I strongly agreed to it, especially seeing as, in addition to these two examples, she's had lots of other bad things happen to her while drinking. When we first started dating, I suggested she cut back her drinking, which, along with the fact that I don't drink to drunkeness very often, was an easy thing to do. It seems like cutting back wasn't enough though, and she won't be drinking anything more than a beer or glass of wine with dinner in her apartment anymore.

I'm still not 100% sure that we're going to continue on as a couple at this point. This isn't stemming out of what happened, I've forgiven her for that, but rather wondering if it's indicative of larger problems we're having. Like I said, it was a rough couple of weeks before this, and if this is just a really big sign that the long-distance thing isn't working for us, then now may be a good time to end it. I still haven't figured it out, though I think I'm going to stick it out for the moment, have a long talk with her about things that might be wrong, and we'll do our best to try to fix them. I don't want to give up on the relationship, but if it seems like nothing's working, I don't want to go down with the ship, either.

Thanks for the comments, guys. Feel free to keep them coming.

sailor · 11-07-2005, 02:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martel

That being said, I can almost sort of understand how if someone hadn't seen her SO in three months and was missing him terribly and missing all of his closeness, love, affection, and physical pleasures terribly and was drunk on top of all that, it all might sort of transfer onto the closest available outlet.

I'm not saying that's a good thing, I'm just saying I can kind of understand how it could happen.

This is pretty much my take on what happened. Like I said, she loses all inhibitions when drinking, and it just makes her hornier... It doesn't excuse it, but it does make it understandable.

Dragonknight · 11-08-2005, 03:07 AM

Keep up with the no drinking rule, and you'll have a healthy chance at surviving a LDR. Now you have to remember to not bring this sub up again with her, especially when angry. Remember NO one ever has a perfect relationship, there's always going to be an argument every now and then. Good luck with the relationship, I hope everything works out for your SO and you.

Cimarron29414 · 11-08-2005, 07:26 AM

Sailor,

Keep in mind, if she said it was only kissing that means he touched her boobs and her butt. If she said he touched her boobs and butt, he got down her pants. If she said he got down her pants, she gave him a blowjob.
etc.

You need to accept that she lowered the incident by, at least, one knotch on the intimacy ladder. That's how confessions of this nature work. You need to accept that what actually happened was one knotch up from what she said.

If you can accept that, then you should let it go and weigh the relationship on its own merits. What do you get out of it? Is it worth it? Could someone else make you happier? Are you getting everything possible out of your German experience? Are you selfishly denying her happiness?

little_tippler · 11-08-2005, 10:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cimarron29414

Sailor,You need to accept that she lowered the incident by, at least, one knotch on the intimacy ladder.

I agree with this. You never know what they really did. Your girlfriend sounds like she has some real issues.

I did long distance for over a year and I was faithful, and as far as I know my guy was also. I like sex plenty. But I'm with him and I couldn't dream of hurting him that way, ever.

If you think you want her for the longterm, by all means give it a try. But I know, that for me, from my experience, that once trust is broken, by cheating especially, then there is no going back completely.

If you don't think she's worth all of the distress this situation has caused you, and may cause you further in the future, then leave her. There are many people out there who ARE faithful.

11-01-2005, 11:11 AM	#1 (permalink)
sailor beauty in the breakdown Location: Chapel Hill, NC	Guys, I need some (serious) relationship advice... OK. My mind is a complete mess right now, so forgive any rambling, nonsensical sentences, or whatever else. I've been dating this girl, we'll call her A, for 9 months. Some time prior to my meeting her, she was not the type of girl I would have ever dated—loved partying, ended up in a different guy’s bed every Friday night… That sort of thing. I knew her through a friend, and hadn’t planned on dating her, except that I helped her through some hard times she was having, saw that she was trying to change, and when later she told me she had feelings for me, I decided to give it a shot—no harm in trying. I ended up falling for her a bit harder than I had thought I would, and thankfully watched as she changed from who she had been into a good girl you’d be proud to bring home to the parents. She definitely retained her sex drive though, something I very much appreciated. Some of you may remember another thread I posted here a while back. The gist of it is, that I had decided, before I met her, that I was going to be going abroad to study in Germany for this year. We ended up deciding to try to stay together through it, realizing that we both strongly loved each other, and not wanting to give that up. So, recognizing that we were going to have a rough time ahead of us, I went to Germany. I’ve been in Germany for two months now. Things with us were fine at first, but there have recently been a few problems. Nothing major, just not perfect—things were hard, just like we knew they would be. I think the biggest problem is that she has been missing me, very much. We’d spend hours on Skype, and it seemed to get worse and worse every day. Anyways, just a few minutes ago, I get a skype call from her. I was immediately alarmed, as she was supposed to be in class at this time, and getting a skype call meant that she was back in her apartment 30 minutes from campus. She gets on, shaky voice, and says she has something to tell me (bet you know where this is going…). Last night was Halloween, which is a massive spectacle in Chapel Hill, with 75,000 students from colleges all over the state packing onto the main street in town. She tells me that she had been out last night, and that she had kissed some guy. OK, I’m not happy, and kinda worried. But hey—maybe it was just a drunk, hey, I haven’t seen you in a while, peck on the cheek. Still not good, but I can get over it. So I ask her what kind of kiss we were talking. “About a 10 minute one.” AKA, not a kiss, she made out with the guy. I didn’t fly off the handle. I thanked her for telling me straight-up before I found out from someone else, and told her I needed some time to think and clear my head, and that I would get in touch when I had something more to say. Now I don’t know what to think. I know she loves me, and that she’s truly sorry. She’s practically throwing up right now she’s crying so hard. But I’m not sure I can forgive her that easily. I mean, she didn’t peck him on the cheek, she made out with him for 10 minutes. I was concerned that, knowing her sex drive and that she gets flirty when she drinks (which isn’t often anymore, thankfully), something like this might happen, and it has. I don’t know whether I should cut her off now, I don’t know whether I should forgive her and move on, I don’t even know what to think right now. So please, any thoughts or comments are appreciated. Serious only though, please. I’m not in the mood to laugh when someone I’ve loved for the better part of a year has cheated on me. __________________ "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." --Plato

11-01-2005, 11:31 AM	#3 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	She screwed up, but she didn't try to hide it. She is clearly very sorry about it. I would give her a pass on this one and forgive her. A week from now, you can discuss it further with her and try to figure out what went wrong and how to keep it from happening in the future, but for now, just forgive her. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

11-01-2005, 11:37 AM	#4 (permalink)
NoSoup Non-Rookie Location: Green Bay, WI	Ugh, tough call my friend. Although I can't say for certain what you would do, I'd keep these things in mind. 1) She was drinking, and probably not in the best position to make any rational decisions. 2) It was only kissing - she didn't sleep with another guy 3) Although I'm certain this seems like a big deal right now, you will likely have much more difficult times ahead if you end up staying together for a long time and/or getting married someday. 4) She was honest with you, after the fact. Sometimes, it is better just to forgive and forget minor indescretions than to end a relationship - especially one with such potential - over them. However, on the other side of the fence... 1) She abused, and possibly destroyed your trust 2) It doesn't really matter if she was drunk or not - if she can't control herself while drinking, she shouldn't have been drinking that much. Even if it was partially attributed to being drunk, it wasn't a quick peck - she made out with some dude. Basically, although she may feel genuinely terrible right now, it may or may not make an impression on her. If she does something similar six months or a year from now, then it didn't really make a difference. If she has indeed learned her lesson, and realized that you're the person she wants to be with, then hopefully she'll avoid such behavior in the future... Either way, good luck! __________________ I have an aura of reliability and good judgement. Just in case you were wondering...

11-01-2005, 11:46 AM	#5 (permalink)
Gamer90 Tilted	This has got to be the most mature post on this forum to date. The way you handled the whole situation shows what kind of person you are. I am very glad that she told you straight out what happened and didn't try to hide it from you. Most girls would think "Oh well my b/f is thousands of miles away, he'll never find out". I suggest you forgive her, but make sure she understands that this isn't a free pass. Let her know that should she ever do something like this again the trust between the two of you may not exist and you may think about moving on. __________________ *This posting is provided "as is" with no warranties, and confers no rights*

11-01-2005, 11:48 AM	#6 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	This happened to a friend of mine when we were studying in Iceland together for a year, but the other way around. He was long-distance with his gf (who was in London), and 4-5 months of that he accidentally kissed someone else. We were all drunk in Greenland at the time (don't ask), and he ended up making out with this woman. He realized what he had done the next day, and was VERY remorseful, like your gf. He wrote his gf a long, apologetic letter, and she flew to see him as soon as she could, so they could talk it out in person (since it was the distance that was a catalyst for this behavior in the first place). They got through it, though it was very difficult for her to forgive him. (Sidenote: They ended up being long-distance for a few years after that, and at the end they broke up because they just weren't in the same place in life, which meant that one was always abroad while the other was at home.) Anyway, it sounds like she is really sorry about it, and from her history, it doesn't sound completely out-of-line. Old lifestyle habits are hard to break, especially when the one who helped her change is so far away and not there to keep her accountable. It's not a very nice thing to do... she ought to have laid off the alcohol, knowing her own behavior well enough without you there to remind her... but it sounds like she is still struggling with establishing her own integrity without you there to reinforce it. But it sounds like she is just plain human, like the rest of us. If she had slept with someone, that's another story... and yeah, a long make-out is worse than a peck on the cheek, but still. She didn't sleep with him. Is this a first offense? If so, I'd forgive it, and honor her honesty. Keep an eye on how she deals with the distance in the coming year, though. I know that distance wreaked havoc on my ability to enjoy life when ktspktsp and I were apart for only 2.5 months... a year is really rough (which we may have to endure in the next couple of years, too). It needs a lot of flexibility and grace, which doesn't always come naturally. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

11-01-2005, 11:57 AM	#7 (permalink)
sailor beauty in the breakdown Location: Chapel Hill, NC	OK, an addendum. I was jacking up my cell phone bill and talking to one of my friends back on the other side of the pond about the whole thing. Turns out, he was at a party with my girlfriend a week or so ago. At said party, at some point, she was practically begging him not to let her hook up with anyone. I don't know what to make of that. There are so many things it could mean--one, she knew she was having problems, but still acted on them. Or, that she knew she was having problems and was trying not to act on them. Anyways, the whole point that she was having problems so badly in the first place somewhat concerns me. I know people get horny, but I think this could be indicative of some of the commitment issues that I saw in her before we started dating. If she needs her boyfriend to be there with her, thats fine, but if that's the case, we shouldnt be in a long distance relationship. I also had thought about breaking up with her last week, though not because of anything she had done. I was concerned that we were both being more of a drag on each other than we were a help--she was miserable without me. And I wasn't enjoying having to worry about what would happen if she went to a party and was drinking. I'm still kind of leaning towards the breakup route anyways. When we first started dating, we had a talk about this and her past--I was concerned then that she might have issues with commitment, and that I wasn't going to be very lenient if there was a problem. God, I just dont even know what to feel. Angry, sad, defeated, empty, even relieved that I might not have to go 9 more months missing her, after a short painful period of getting over it. sigh __________________ "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." --Plato Last edited by sailor; 11-01-2005 at 11:59 AM..

11-01-2005, 11:58 AM	#8 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	Between sailor and abaya I think we've learned a lesson: don't drink and have long distance relationships. It doesn't make the pain go away, and you might end up doing something really stupid. MI personally wouldn't break up, but you might consider opening the relationship (i.e. no longer exclusive). Last edited by Willravel; 11-01-2005 at 12:00 PM..

11-01-2005, 12:17 PM	#9 (permalink)
snow wombat Upright Location: The Great White North	She did something bad, but didn't wait to tell you. What would you in couple of monthe of being alone and lonely and after a few beers a nice German lady sitting next to you becomes very attractive? Would you get on the phone to tell her. If you would, I would then make the rules clear and give her another chance if she wants it. What part of Germany are you in? Good luck!

11-01-2005, 12:26 PM	#10 (permalink)
raveneye Born Against	I know more than a few women who were party animals in their teens and twenties, but who managed to settle down and are now happily married with families. In fact, I married one But then my wife never did anything like you describe either . . . . If I were you and this was a relationship I wanted to hold on to, I'd (1) forgive her, and (2) let her know in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable. Long distance relationships though are a real test of your willpower and commitment. Viel Glueck!

11-01-2005, 01:21 PM	#13 (permalink)
hossified face f$cker Location: canada	this is a tough one...and its gonna come down to YOU! Yeah she was drunk...and yeah kissing isn't as bad as f-ucking.....but you being soooo far away, are you going to be able to trust her now...whether she is sober or drunk?? I guarantee you it will be super hard...and you probably will be nervous on nights where she says she is going out. I would say give it a week and have a serious talk with her about why she did it, and hwere she sees you guys going. And don't let her get into the routine of "i'll never do it again, i feel so terrible......blah blah".....because those kinds of answers are almost reflex in a situation like this. I know for me...having been thru something similar....I will never give 'her' the benefit of the doubt again (as I once did)...because sooner or later, she will repeat the actions and you will get to go through it all over again (in my experience). Once a cheater...always a cheater (regardless of drunkeness etc...) ALso....you are going to school in a different country...and have a girlfriend back home??? You should be living it up totally, as this is probably the only time in your life you will have this chance! If you and your current SO feel a little confused right now...put things ont he backburner, go out live it up, and when you return see where things go.... good luck man, let us know how it turns out Last edited by hossified; 11-01-2005 at 01:24 PM..

11-01-2005, 01:23 PM	#14 (permalink)
c172g Crazy Location: Michigan	I will disagree with just about everyone here. The thing that makes us different from animals is that we can control our sexual desires. If I have to go out and ask a friend to keep me from jumping in the sack with someone, I seem to think that my ability to control myself has gone away. Also, since she had her tongue down some guys throat for 10 minutes seems to make me feel the same way. I've had a girlfriend who cheated on me (all the way, not just kissing) but before that happened there were a few episodes of making out with other guys, and I swallowed my pride and stuck it out. Bad call & a big waste of time. Not trying to be funny, my advice is kick her ass to the curb & check out Germany. Way too much to see in life to stick with someone you cannot trust, and even if she calls you after the fact it's still being dishonest. If someone gets drunk to the point that they can't control their urges, they have some major problems. I love to drink & when I do I get horny. I dated my wife for three years before we got married and both of us were the same way. However, when we were apart neither of us had any problem in controlling our sexual urges. Move on my friend, and enjoy everything your life has to offer. See the sights, cut the cord & meet some German women. Most people enjoy sex, your current SO isn't the only one out there.

11-01-2005, 01:25 PM	#15 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	My boyfriend and I are about to turn into a long distance relationship. He'll be gone for 2 weeks and back for 1-2. Now, I think you two have started a good base, because you've spent time together before it turned long distance. I couldn't imagine cheating on my boyfriend while he's away because the time we spend together means absolutely everything to me. I think your girlfriend feels the same way, because, well. she came clean. But, at the same time she needs to control her behavviour. If she can't trust herself around other people how are you supposed to trust her? I can't say whether or not to cut her lose, but from your post earlier, it sounds like you may already know the answer to your question.

11-01-2005, 01:30 PM	#16 (permalink)
martinguerre whosoever Location: New England	first...enjoy tubigen. my envy that i'm not there...they have one of the best biblical studies departments of the entire world. second...i had a relationship end by cheating by kissing...and it wasn't the kiss that broke it up, but our problems in the aftermath. by the time i forgave her, she was already so insecure that she'd moved on. Right now, tell her the reason your upset and angry is that you care deeply about her. Right now. Tell her that doesn't mean that you'll be together forever, or that you know what the future holds... That's the collective wisdom i have to impart...only you two can figure out if you can repair your trust in each other. if you get back togehter....i strongly reccomend really talking about what she thinks brought her to that point...and one she knew she was getting close to. __________________ For God so loved creation, that God sent God's only Son that whosoever believed should not perish, but have everlasting life. -John 3:16 Last edited by martinguerre; 11-01-2005 at 01:33 PM.. Reason: teh sp3ll1ng pwnd m3

11-01-2005, 03:32 PM	#17 (permalink)
ruggerp11 Cautiously soaring Location: exploring my new home in SF	my suggestion? Break up. You'll have more fun in Germany and she'll be able to do whatever she wants. If, when you come back she is there and wants to be back with you then do it then. Long distance sucks (I'm in one now), but once the trust is gone its almost impossible to replace from so far away. I'm in a different place (as is my gf) than you. I'm done with college and had already sowed my wild oats in London. she, and you are still sowing yours. __________________ Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it. --Mark Twain Do What makes you happy --Me BUT! "Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

11-02-2005, 06:19 AM	#18 (permalink)
nightstuff Tilted Location: where polar bears walk the streets	Having my gf cheat on me would really really be upsetting, especially if I couldnt see her in person to clear things up properly. That said, If i really loved her and felt she loved me (it shows), and that she seemed very sorry, i'd most likely give her another chance. But I'd be damn sure she understood that I was upset about it, and IF it happened again then it was over, end of story. But after all that, I'd forgive her and express my apprecation for her honesty. You're dealing with an honest girl filled with remorse at making a human mistake by hurting the guy she loves...sounds like the kind of girl I'd like to come home to at the end of my trip.

11-02-2005, 09:24 AM	#19 (permalink)
Dragonknight Insane Location: Hawaii	I'm in the military and know all about long dist relationships, and the fears that come with them. My now wife never cheated on me, but I know how stressful things are already. Here's my thoughts. Pro's 1. She came out rather quickly for being so far away. To me this means that you've given her a reason to care enough to come out and dell you quickly. This means a lot when her past is completely the opposite. You mean enough to her, that when something did happen she felt bad about it. 2. It didn't go all the way. I'm sure it had the potential to considering the situation. 3. I truly believe that love conquers all. If you truly love each other equally then you both can get through this. My wife and I have been together for almost 6 years. We started dating in HS. Two years after our relationship I went to the Marines and have seen her for may 200 days out of the year every year. Some times less, due to deployments and such. My point you can do it if you try. Cons 2. Being drunk isn't an excuse when you already knew that there was a chance you might do something. She asked your friend to watch her. She knew she was in a dangerous position and only made it worse by drinking. (she was drinking right? you never actually said she was drunk) 3. It's in her past to be a sex loving person. She slipped up once, it could happen again. You have to ask yourself if this relationship is worth fighting for. If it is forgive her and DON'T bring it up ever again. If you truly forgive someone you can never hold that same thing over there head. Also if it happens again, see it for what it is and end the relationship. If the relationship is not worth fighting for, then cut you losses have fun in Germany, and look each other up when you get home and can actually be with each other and not having to worry about long distances. Either way you go, good luck.

11-02-2005, 11:29 AM	#20 (permalink)
sailor beauty in the breakdown Location: Chapel Hill, NC	Thanks for the responses yall. I appreciate it. So I just got off the phone with her. She knows what she did was wrong. She knows she's lost my trust and that it's going to be hard for her to regain that. And I'm convinced that she's truly sorry. Long story short, I forgave her for what she did, but I haven't made any decision yet as to what we're going to do about it. I don't know yet if we're going to stay together or break up. My thought right now is that this could be indicative of other, bigger problems in the relationship, and if things aren't working now, 9 more months is a long fucking time. The last week, leading up to this, has been the hardest in our relationship, and I just have to do some soul searching and decide if this relationship is something I want to hang onto. I've decided to go on with the plans I had before this happened and travel a bit this weekend, though modified a bit--instead of running around playing tourist and trying to see as much as possible, I'm going to camp myself out in this highly recommended and very beautiful (and cheap!) castle hotel (http://burg-colmberg.de/) a few hours from here. I'll read, sleep (since I didn't get a wink last night), write, relax, and try to figure out what needs to happen. I also think this will be good for her--she has several tests coming up, and regardless of what we end up doing, I don't want her failing out of school because of it. Anyways, please keep the comments coming. I really appreciate everyone's insights. __________________ "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." --Plato

11-02-2005, 01:25 PM	#22 (permalink)
sapituca Upright Location: at home	Been there, done that. The bad news: Distance is one, if not the most, effective ways to end relationships. The good news: Distance is one of the, if not the most, effective ways to end relationships. So: A) If you enjoy misery: do not forget her and try the long distance thingy. I feel sorry for you already. B) If you do not enjoy misery, there are still 2 obtions: 1- Forget about her. I mean REALLY forget about it. 2- Do not forget about her AND find a way to be with her NOW. PS: My advice is to choose option B 1, toghether with new German GF, if you do not plan on going back in time.

11-03-2005, 02:59 AM	#24 (permalink)
~Lucian~ Tilted Location: New Zealand	Oh christ.. If this doesn't bring back memories of the last couple of years of my life.. Been there and done that myself, but then again, I'm an optimist and always will be.. and I've been in some fucked up situations. Ok so here's what happened to me - different, a tad more extreme, but just bear with me. Firstly, my ex had some really well planted issues going down which I have no intention of trying to explain but yes, she was more than prone to sleeping around and yes, I tried (in vain) to try and change her ways. Not that I'm saying I was or am perfect.. but God did I try to understand her and make things work. I met my ex-girlfriend online. Were just friends for a while and kept it at that for a while. Then she decides i'd be a far better match that her bf at the time and we decide to try our hands at dating. (Mistake number one) Kept the long distance thing going for bout 6 - 8 months and met up just before christmas. I had started uni that summer in March and she was in her last year of high school. We had all these plans for the future and fell quite deeply in love. We maintained a high level of openness (or at least i did) and had little things go awry (like her making out with a girlfriend and random shit like that) but I kept the faith and we worked everything through.. somehow. Fast forward to july that year and she spent a week at my flat (like a room in college, but a whole house where you have flatmates as opposed to roomates). Anyway, pretty life changing stuff for me and it bought a whole new dimension to our relationship. And a whole lot more shit. All this emotional baggage and doubt from her came up on the last night she stayed with me and somehow I worked through all that too and we carried on as strong as ever. A few months later she wanted to break up with me, I tryed to find out why and asked her to stay with me (what was I smoking?) I find out later that she was hiding something from me. When I confronted her it turned out she'd cheated on me twice, once while drunk and once with a guy who I could feel something was going on but I didn't let jealousy get the best of me and ignored it.. (Here's comes mistakes 5 or 6 through to about 978) I stayed with her despite everyone's advice. I even lied to one of my best friends about what had happened. I bought her regret, her apologies and everything else. And somehow she gained my trust back.. Then, she has a huge fight with my mother around christmas, constantly drained every part of my soul away with her irrational jealousies, trust issues, and baggage from past relationships, while I try my best to be as supportive of her as humanly possible.. and finally SHE dumps ME for some random guy of the street who asks her out one day while at work. What's worse is her mother calls me to let me know what's going on Great.. Hang on.. I may have already posted this up at some stage. At any rate that was the end of that and thus concluded the longest mind fuck i'd ever experienced in my life. Thank god for that. So anyway. She gained my trust despite all the messed up crap she'd done, I believed her words and continued to be as loving and supportive as always. She turned around and dumped me anyway. My advice: I know we have/had different situations, starting points and relationships. I'm not going to say break up with her and i'm not going to say that making out with a guy for 10 minutes while drunk is less serious than going all the way while drunk. If you seriously feel you can forgive her, then by all means forgive her. Just make sure nothing and I mean nothing like this happens again. It all comes down to control and if she can't control it, she may never change and you may have to move on. There's always misery in life but it's the rewards which make us take the risks. And a there's nothing more rewarding than a loving long term relationship. I wish you well with whatever you chose __________________ Dream like there are no limits. Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never been fucked with. Die sans regret.

11-03-2005, 03:31 AM	#25 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	Understand Human Nature.....everyone needs physical contact, in differing levels. It seems she needs more than you do but, you already shoud have known this from her past. Have a serious conversation about what she expects from you, and what you in turn expect from her, and be ready to compromise where "Making out" is concerned. In my opinion, if you try to stop her....you are setting yourself up for dissapointment....she is after all, Human. __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

11-03-2005, 04:47 AM	#26 (permalink)
Catdaddy33 Psycho Location: TN	I'd be concerned about her drinking, if she can't control herself when she drinks that's a sign of a drinking problem.

11-03-2005, 09:01 PM	#29 (permalink)
Dragonknight Insane Location: Hawaii	[QUOTE=sapituca]Been there, done that. The bad news: Distance is one, if not the most, effective ways to end relationships. The good news: Distance is one of the, if not the most, effective ways to end relationships. QUOTE] Sorry Sapituca I must add one more to these. While I Do agree with the bad news part. The Other Good news: Distance is one, if not most, effective ways to make a relationship as strong as it will EVER be. If you can stick it out with a loved one through distance, especially great distance. Your relationship will be almost as strong as it will ever be.

11-06-2005, 07:37 PM	#31 (permalink)
-Ever- Junkie Location: San Francisco	Man I have a feeling that my girlfriend is cheating on me right now and I wish she would just admit it and say sorry like yours did. Instead I'm stuck wondering why she doesn't want to come over tonight... Case in point, I think it was very cool of her to tell you as people make mistakes, and even cooler of you to let her speak her mind without letting rage-driven emotions snuff out her honesty. __________________ Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster... --Acknowledge your weaknesses--

11-08-2005, 03:07 AM	#35 (permalink)
Dragonknight Insane Location: Hawaii	Keep up with the no drinking rule, and you'll have a healthy chance at surviving a LDR. Now you have to remember to not bring this sub up again with her, especially when angry. Remember NO one ever has a perfect relationship, there's always going to be an argument every now and then. Good luck with the relationship, I hope everything works out for your SO and you.

11-08-2005, 07:26 AM	#36 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	Sailor, Keep in mind, if she said it was only kissing that means he touched her boobs and her butt. If she said he touched her boobs and butt, he got down her pants. If she said he got down her pants, she gave him a blowjob. etc. You need to accept that she lowered the incident by, at least, one knotch on the intimacy ladder. That's how confessions of this nature work. You need to accept that what actually happened was one knotch up from what she said. If you can accept that, then you should let it go and weigh the relationship on its own merits. What do you get out of it? Is it worth it? Could someone else make you happier? Are you getting everything possible out of your German experience? Are you selfishly denying her happiness? __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."