danbiles

My wife who in every other way is a good wife. She is a good mother and I do love her. The problem is that the longer we have been married the longer are the times between sex. I just celebrated my birthday and it has been a year since we had sex. I've started having an affair with a coworker who is OK with just having sex with no commitment. She is the most incredible partner I've ever had but I would do anything to have with my wife what I have with my lover. Why is it some women loose interest in sex? Before we stopped having sex we never had any problems.

Obtuse

Have your wife's looks deteriorated since you got married? The reason I ask is, a while back my wife gained a bit of weight and our sex life sort of went in the shitter for a while. She wasn't happy with how she looked and didn't feel sexy. Nothing I could do or say could convince her that I still found her attractive and wanted to be with her. Since then my wife has slimmed back down and everything is fine.

I'm sure there could be a million other reasons, but there's my little bit of experience. At any rate, good luck and I hope you are able to work through it.

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Truth cares not for knowledge.

maleficent

Have you talked to your wife?

Has anything changed with you? Have you talked with your wife? Have you had kids? Has anything changed with your wife's career? Have you talked with your wife?

I'm hate to preach, but, I'm gonna anyhow, I have to say that having an affair with a co-worker is playing with fire.

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CityOfAngels

Does not compute.
I don't mean to judge you but, "in sickness and in health," man. Now not only have you cheated on her, but if you love her, you have to tell her about it. How do you think THAT will affect your sex life with her? I know life is hard, and a marriage isn't all cut'n'paste and tracing the lines. But you accepted the challenge of the marriage when you said, "I do." That means it is your responsibility, obligation even, to be upfront and honest with your wife at all times.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you have to know that you have wronged your wife. If you love her, you know what to do. If not, at least divorce the poor woman so she's not living a lie.

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The words "love" and "life" go together. It is almost as if they are one. You must love to live, and you must live to love, or you have never lived nor loved at all.

iceburn

City of Angels is right IMO. I understand that people can cheat and "love" at the same time, because I've been on your wife's end of things.

The other thing is that the coworker affair is very, very risky, and I've seen some lives get destroyed from infidelity that gets outed and leads to divorce. If you want to get your life back with your wife, you gotta put some work into it.

One possibility is that your wife kind of knows about the other woman with some kind of 6th sense shit, just judging by how you're acting. A lot of times women will stay with a guy out of loneliness, kids or whatever even if they have that nagging feeling that they're getting screwed.

I know it's got to be depressing as hell to be with someone who's not interested sexually. But if you're not willing to dump the affair for moral reasons, end it for practical reasons - it could potentially fuck your whole life that you'd worked on through the marriage.

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... and shit.

mr sticky

I may get some shit for this, but after a year, I say sow your oats where you can. However, I would have told her about how I was feeling, that is, I'm looking at, and I'm interested in other women. I would have allowed her to attempt to rescue your sex life. If she balked, I would have been brazen enough to ask for gas money to get over to the other woman's house! She may deserve this stepping out, but she doesn't deserve being lied to.

I don't know the full story, so take that with a grain o' salt!

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The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

Lockjaw

Cheating for any reason is one of the lowest things you can do to another person and there is no amount of reasoning that makes it logical or ok. That is the ultimate violation in trust and IMO respect.

You seriously need to talk to your wife about this situation and find out where her head is at. In fact I'd suggest some marital counseling post haste because odds are it's not just her deciding she's tired of sex all of a sudden. There is something emotional that is causing this and like others have said it could be something as "simple" as her not feeling sexy anymore or something much more damaging.

The next thing you need to do is break this affair off. I can't think of anything worse than getting into an affair with your co-worker. It's bad enough if you are two single people dating on the side. Most companies even have policies against such things. This is doublely dangerous as your mistress right now might only see it as sex but she just as easily could start getting more serious feelings and intentions towards you and she might not like it when you eventually spurn her. If you get out now you might just lose a friend. If you wait until the inevitable to occur you just might lose your wife you say you love, your job because your boss might not look to kindly on an intraoffice affair going on that if exposed will likely start all kinds of crap in the office, and worse yet your children.

That's something I don't think most adulterers think about their kids. And about how this could damage their lives not only now as a child but in the future as an adult.
When you look in your child's eyes today think about how badly it would hurt them when they hear about mommy and daddy breaking up. Think how much it will hurt them in the future when they eventually find out about WHY mommy and daddy broke up and how resentful they likely will feel towards you. Some cheap sex with some office skank isn't worth blowing your life up for it never is.

At least try to work this thing out every marriage deserves the same amount of effort to save it than it does to destroy it(and cheating and not getting caught is going to take a lot of work). Then after you've given it your all and it still isn't working divorce her but you at least owe her the respect of not cheating on and lying to her.

absorbentishe

Dude, cheating is never the answer. If she(your wife) finds out, think about her. She will kick you out, not let you see your kids, etc. Is cheating worth it? Think about that. My wife goes on stints where she doesn't want sex, but I've never cheated on her, and we've been together 14 years. Not that I'm judging you, but you have to think about your family first.

Redgirl

Hmmm... maybe she's been cheating on him? No sex in a year? That's a red flag for all sorts of things! You better talk to her ASAP! You know the old song... who's making love to your old lady, while you were out making love?

If you have talked to her and she still hasn't tried to fix things between you, then you just need to be up front with her that you're getting sex on the side. She really shouldn't have a problem with it if she's not interested in you like that anyway. I don't think that's much of a marriage but if you guys can separate it out like that, then go for it. Whatever works for you.

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Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Seaver

I agree that cheating is horrid... but come on a year without sex with him not doing anything (seemingly wrong) is just as horrid.

mbaha

If she stops putting out she can not expect you just to beat off all time. I blame her for your straying.

Lockjaw

Its horrid but it's not uncommon.

And Redgirl I kind of don't think that would really fix or make the situation better if he just told her he's planning on getting some on the side if she doesn't start putting out. While she might not be interested in him like that(can't imagine her just losing interest without any sort of reason) but that shouldn't give him carte blanche to violate his marriage vows. If he talks to her and she doesn't come around they need to get a divorce. The outside sex is only going to cause resentment amongst somebody. If she doesn't resent him for actually going out and having sex with another woman I wouldn't doubt that eventually his mistress starting to feel resentment about doing all the wifely duties so to speak but not getting any of the benefits.
I've seen it happen too many times. Guy gets a girl on the side because his woman isn't satisfying his "needs", girl on the side claims she is ok with just sex, thing go fine for 6 months to a year, girl on the side gets tired of being the girl on the side and wants something more. Girl on the side start presuring the guy to break it off with his main woman. He doesn't and things get nasty from there. And that was just with the dating couples I know. I won't even get into the married couple that I know that had something like this happen and how nasty that got.

zim

I dunno man, maybe try TALKING to her about it, find out why. Cheating does no good, doesn't fix the problem.

Zim

Lockjaw

So if his wife started cheating on him because his equipment was inadequate for her or he didn't listen enough would he be to blame for her infidelity?

Blackthorn

This affair may feel good but it's completely irresponsible behavior. Not only will you get no sympathy here I'm tempted to go off on you in a very vitriolic manner.

Cut it off with this bit on the side. Talk to your wife. Do it soon. You can come here and put this post out on the web where for some reason maybe it's made you feel better to admit what you've done. Talk to your wife about it or risk losing her and your children.

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maleficent

Why does someone else have to be blamed? His choice to cheat... There's so much he hasn't said, and it's honestly not my bid'ness, but - if someone cheats, the blame (if that's the word you want to use) falls squarely on their shoulders.

They made the decision to get married, for better or worse... Not for better or until the wife won't put out any more...

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iceburn

Yeah, the wife is not to blame for the actual cheating. That would be blaming someone else for your problems, which is convenient and stubborn. Maybe she's to blame for what led to the cheating, but she's not to blame for a lack of free will. I'm not trying to knock danbiles, I'm just knocking the philosophy of blaming other people.

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... and shit.

johnny2k

Be a man and stay true to yourself and others. Decide divorce and move on or work it out with your wife. Quit making excuses.

Redgirl

I'm just saying there are unconventional relationships out there and not everyone has to stick with the one-on-one thing if it isn't working. But she would have to agree to it, he shouldn't be sneaking around and doing it- I'm not advocating that at all. I just think if they truly have no other issues, she just isn't interested in sex with him anymore, then she might be willing to open their relationship for him because he obviously can't go on with no sex anymore.

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Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

scout

Looks like the blame here is a two way street, her's for not putting out and his for cheating. Both parties have broken their wedding vows and the blame should be shouldered equally.

Lockjaw

I just think it's an afront to her to say she should be ok with him stepping out since she hasn't put out in a year. Even if she isn't feeling sexual towards him anymore I don't think that's really the right thing to say that she should be ok with that type of thing. See what I'm saying?

Lockjaw

Where in the wedding vows does it say thou must puteth out on demand....th. I must make sure I get that in my vows if so. lol

MSD

It's interesting that you didn't mention having tried to talk to your wife about it.

Averett

Woah wait... Where exactly in the wedding vows does it say that she needs to put out?

Oh, Lockjaw already said this. High five, Lockjaw

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

water_boy1999

It doesn't say in any vows that either party needs to put out. But come on.....it has been a year and there are needs in a relationship that need to be met. I don't condone the cheating, but if I was married and my wife stopped putting out and kept me at bay for that long, I would probably have that discussion and let her know it is seriously causing me to consider divorce and find someone who will make me happy.

danbiles, I don't agree with you for your decision to cheat, but that's your business. If you are not man enough to have a discussion with your wife about your sex life together, you are not man enough to be married. Would it be easier to talk to your wife about spicing up the sex life a bit or would it be easier to tell your wife you have been fucking someone else?

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Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

livingfossil

danbiles, you need to talk about this, and be frank and honest. You both need to get to the bottom of your complaints, and then decide if there is a compromise that both of you will be happy with. If not, it's time to put an end to the relationship. This will be hard for all involved, including (and especially) the children, but it will likely be less harmful than continuing on in a situation that makes everyone miserable.

And cheating is not an option. You want to fuck other women, you clear it with you wife first.

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Never anything witty.

powerclown

It is a wife's duty to have sex with her husband, and vice-versa, if thats what they want. Who is he supposed to have sex with if not his wife?

ultra_agent9

I'm wondering what the wife is thinking. I mean, after a year of no sex she must be wondering how he is coping and getting off. If you're married then you should know your SO pretty well, especially their sexual habits and needs. She either suspects that he is getting take-out, or she is also dining out and doesn't care. Need more info about that...

Yeah, sleeping with co-workers is a very dangerous game. I would definitely put the brakes on that immediately.

It sounds like you have lost interest in having sex with your wife. Ok, she doesn't give it up but if you wanted it you wouldn't have strayed, you would be romancing her trying to put her in the mood again, to re-ignite the flame. The passion has died, and that's why you're "eating out" because it's new and exciting. That's what I think.

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Champaigne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.

Suave

And this, kiddies, is one of many reasons not to marry. Ever.

scout

I knew this was comin' the second I hit "submit reply" Seriously though, isn't sex part of love? I'm not advocating that anyone should put out "on demand", however a little courtesy call every few months shouldn't be to much to ask from one's SO. I do agree this is a sign of much deeper problems, probably deeper than will ever be solved here. If someone loves someone then "putting out" shouldn't be to much to ask even if it has become the chore from hell haha. Are you advocating that someone should go for years without sex even though their partner has lost interest? I know your answer to this will be he should have discussed this with her before he went out and screwed around, and I agree. By the same token she should have discussed her problems with him. How long does she think he will go without before some serious slip? He also should be worried about her obvious dislike of sex with him. This is why I feel they should both shoulder the blame, obviously a lack of communication both ways.

Somehow I feel I'm getting much further into this than I really wanted ......
kinda like diggin' yer own grave ......

Redlemon

I think we've probably theorized enough until danbiles decides to come back and answer.

98MustGT

Go and buy "The proper care and feeding of husbands" and have her read it."

Blackthorn

There is an excellent web site devoted to helping couples rebuild marriages that have suffered through infidelity.

Here's a link to the opening of that discussion. It's a good read for those interested enough in understanding why it happens and how you might actually overcome it.

For those seeking more elightenment there is also a substantial amount of information on how to make your marriage affair proof. Tool around the site...if this helps even one person/couple here then it was worth me posting it.

Marriage Builders

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Fate

I don't get how it's cheating when he doesn't have a sex partner to cheat on.

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Rinndalir

Harsh judgement shouldn't be passed without more info. That being said, I've been in a relationship where she lost all desire for sex because of mental problems, stress, prescription drug abuse, eating disorder, depression...as her list of issues got longer the frequency of sex dropped and dropped, till I just gave up trying. I finally decided it wasn't worth it and ended it. We weren't married, but it was like a divorce almost because we lived together and had been together for 5 years ever since high school. It was tough but I decided I was done being miserable and frustrated with a partner who refused to face her problems and get better.

That said, there were no kids involved, and that adds a whole new list of problems to deal with.

Women love sex just as much as men do, but men can have all sorts of things wrong and still want it. I think its different for women, if they lose their desire its a symptom of something else that's wrong. Could be stress, kids, depression, drugs, etc. But I guarantee you she just didn't decide she doesn't like sex anymore, something else is wrong. My wife and I both work full time and have a baby, lots of stress, and never enough $$$ to go around. This week has been pretty bad because I hurt my back on top of everything else, but this morning she told me she's going to rape me tonight no matter what, because she hasn't had it in 5 days and its driving her crazy.

For your kids sake you should try and work it out, but for all I know you have and she's still unresponsive. Ultimately life is too short to be miserable. That said splitting up may not be the answer, maybe you could discuss having an open marriage?

ShaniFaye

last time I checked marriage vows they didnt say you can do anything you want if your partner isnt having sex with you

He is cheating on a commitment he made to his wife to put her before all others....looks like he's put her at the back of the bus just cause he isnt getting any nookie

you dont lie and sneak around on someone you love....so Im questioning how he can say he still loves her

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

mrphil2

danbiles, it would be nice if you could answer some of these questions and perhaps give comment on these posts...

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expect the unexpected

SirSeymour

There are a host of reasons for why she may not be interested and some are not so obvious. My wife and I have had issues just like this for a while are trying to work through them. A women's sex drive is effected by many things and is often messed up by drugs she may be taking (birth control pills killed my wife's sex drive, go figure). She may also have some form of chemical imbalance that a doctor could figure out with proper testing.

Then there is your actions within the marriage. If she does not feel like you find her attractive or you are not showing her enough affection or talking to her enough. Thousands of things are possible here.

Our pre-martial counselor told us that if I (the guy) was not getting enough sex then I was not doing the right things to put her in the mood. He made it all my fault. While I no longer believe this to be true 100% of the time, I have done enough research on the subject to know it is the case more often than not. So I examine my actions first when this issue shows back up. When was the last time she got flowers from me? a card? some lingerie? we went on a real honest to god date? etc...

Just some thoughts for you.

However, I would seriously consider the medical side of it and I would talk with her about it. Maybe she knows what the deal is. Maybe she does not know it bothers you. Suggest she ask her GYN about it.

Good luck. This is no fun and I understand where you are with it.

kutulu

I think I could deal with my wife sleeping with someone once if she let me know soon after. In that case, I'd be willing to work things out (although I'd probably "get even" first). If she had a long term affair I'd be through with her. There's no way I'd put up with that shit.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...i5033a_qa.html
No offense to people who have been there, but this kind of shit happens to people and they allow it to continue.

SilverScooter

i'm not sure that "putting out" is part of traditional wedding vows and to say so is extremely nearsighted and borderline ignorant. she's done her part, from what i hear, and it's downright irresponsible to cheat on her. "good mother" sticks out to me a great deal. i know, that your children do not deserve to have their family split apart (which will definitely happen somewhere down the line) because you can't go without sex.

sex with your "business partner" might very well be the best sex you've ever had, but it also might very well be the sheer timing of it. you can't go thinking that just because you can sleep with a co-worker without her committing, that you can make the same decision. your situation is with you, you have responsibilities as a father, as a husband, and as a friend.

i don't mean to villianize you in any way, but i think that what you're doing is wrong and that, if you want your marriage to keep working then you need to do the right thing. an affair is always a quick fix, but the problem lies deeper and until you sit down and talk about everything (yes, everything) with your wife, nothing will ever get better. you made a vow to love and to cherish, don't come to us, go to her in good times and otherwise.