evilmatt

Hey one, all.

I'm married, mid-twenties. My wife is going to leave me. She says she's no longer in love with me. She married me when she was 23 and now, after almost a year of marriage, says she wants to see what it's like to be independant and fool around with other guys. I know some people on the board are in open-marriages, and that's cool, but it's not my thing. I'm a one-woman kind of guy, always have been, always will be. My problem comes in where I just can't stop being madly in love with her. She wasn't my first love, but she's my best and all that I really want in this world. A little history, I'll make it brief...

I grew up in a traditional dysfunctional broken home. Parents divorced at 5, abusive step-mother that led to my not talking to my father in about 10 years or so, working mom, etc. I never had a nuclear family thing going on. Then I met her. She gave me hope for the future, that somehow a kid like me could still turn out alright and have a decent family life. Sure nothing is perfect, but she was smart, funny, kind, loving and, above all, wanting to be a wife and mother. It seemed everything was going to turn out alright, until a month ago.

She isn't cheating on me. She doesn't plan to, either. We had some issues with my lack of ambition, career-wise, but I've taken many steps towards that and she's admitted I'm doing very well there. But, she says, she still doesn't feel any "connection" between us anymore. She still wants to leave me, she still wants to mess around with other men and she still won't reconsider. I'm grasping at straws here. I want her in my life so badly and she won't stay. This ain't cool in any situation, break-ups never are, but this one is hurting me so badly that I don't feel I can recover from it. Without her in my life, everything seems bleak and desolate.

Now I know what some of you will say: I'm being codependant and clingy and need to let go. I know that it might be true to a certain degree but in this situation, I can't help but cling and try to convince her to stay. It feels like a losing battle, but it's all I can do. So does anyone think this is salvageable? Have people been through this and come out with any sort of faith in love? I'm feeling mine slip away by the minute...

(sadand)evilmatt.

onetime2

I know you don't want to let go but at some point you have to realize you can't keep her if she doesn't want to be there. You need to understand the root of what she's after. You mention that she wants to be with other guys but there are no specifics about what she's looking for from these guys.

Communication is a key here. Both of you have to get at what she's looking for, whether she was ever getting what she needed in your relationship, and if she was when did it change? Counseling is one way to go but if she's not looking to salvage the relationship there's no way it will work.

Whatever happens, you can't let it be the end all be all in your life. Recognize that there are some things you can't control, her desires/needs being one of them. If the worst happens, well, you'll survive and likely be stronger for it. If you can salvage this (and no matter what you're looking at A LOT of work on both your parts) then your relationship will also be stronger.

The worst thing you can do is to give in on things that you can't stand just to keep the relationship going. If you do that you'll just end up resenting her and it will end even worse.

Good luck. And remember, there's a lot more out there for you than just her.

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Vyk

I don't feel qualified to give you advice of my own but I can do this: share a bit out of Ann Lander's playbook.

counseling. either jointly with a marriage counselor or just you if she refuses to go. Professional help may be able to save your marriage, it may not, but one thing it will do is help you deal with it all.

all I can share of my own is that I'm sorry to hear that happening to you and I hope you come through it alright. Hang in there.

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lurkette

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

I can't imagine that it's salvageable if she's completely unwilling to stay - bottom line, she wants something that the marriage simply can't provide (experiences with other men). If that's the only reason she's leaving, I'm afraid there's not much you can do. You mention that she "feels no connection" between you any more. Is that at the root of her wanting to leave? Does she think she'll find this connection with other people? Or is she really just wanting to experience more of life?

So, if she is going to leave, the only thing you can deal with is yourself. It hurts like hell, I know, but perhaps once the pain is dulled a bit you can look at this as an opportunity for you to grow and change. It sounds like you're not just grieving over the loss of your wife as a lover, but over the loss of an image you had in your head of what she represented: stability, nuclear family, proof that you could "turn out all right." (Just a stab in the dark, but is it perhaps your idealization of her as a ticket to normalcy that might have led to a loss of connection when you turned out to be living with a real, flawed person and not a concept?) It sounds like you were looking to recreate a family life you never had (which is a totally normal impulse) and maybe that's why this is hitting so hard, above and beyond the normal pain of a marriage breaking up.

I think you should look at this as an opportunity to find a way to be okay with yourself, by yourself, rather than looking to a relationship to fill some kind of "hole" or imperfection you perceive in yourself that was caused by a rocky childhood. She may be doing you a huge favor, in the long run, in terms of your own development as a whole person, by taking away your security blanket like this.

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johnnymysto

I know I have very traditional views, but when my wife and I got married, we said vows to each other that bound us for all our lives. We both meant every word we said, and I intend to honor those vows till I die. My parents divorced when I was young, and I hated it. So, I'll do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen to us. How does this relate to you? Well, your wife must make the decision to honor what she said on the altar the day she married you. I know that's not real popular right now, but feelings can change on a daily basis. All you have is your word to each other that you will be with each other and only each other for the rest of your lives. I agree with Onetime and Vyk that you need communication and you need to talk out whatever's wrong in the marriage. If that doesn't help, I'd see a counsellor. But at the end of the day, she needs to stand by her word to you that she is yours for life.

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evilmatt

I promise I read the whole post, I just wanted to address this part. I understand why you might think that, but I want to assure you I was never looking to recreate as in order to REcreate, it has to have been there at all. I was looking to CREATE a life for myself with her and, down the road, kids. You are right, tho, in that this is hitting be harder than perhaps most as I never, not for one single moment, ever stopped being in love with her. Not from the moment we met and not now. It's just so fscking hard because this only came up within the past month. She started expressing concerns and it just blossomed into ... this. And that leads me to my other response, to johnny:

I brought this fact up. I said that she broke that promise to always be there for and with me and all she could say was that she didn't feel this way then and that she was sorry. I'm telling you people, when I say this feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, I really mean it. This shxt is ripping my heart apart and all I am getting from her is "i'm sorry but I have to be true to myself" and that just isn't making anything in my world the least bit brighter right now.

[loveis]evilmatt

lafemmefatale

Breaking up a marraige in one month is kind of impulsive imo. Is it possible to convince her to stay for a while longer? Just so she doesn't make any rash decisions and break her vow.

At the end of the day, a divorce is still a big deal and these things need to be thought out carefully. Perhaps this is just a phase for her, hormones, or any other sort of influence that may be temporary.

If it turns out that she refuses to stay a moment longer, you know that you're still young and have plenty of time to restore your life into how you want it to be.

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evilmatt

You've hit the nail on the head there. It's a phase, something temporary. Even she admits to that, to a certain degree. But then she follows it up with "i have to be true to myself" and that's what kills me. If I just gave her room and we separated, I don't think the room or time apart would help things any. I really wish I knew what to do here. I love her so fscking much and I wish she loved me the same way in return...

(notfeelin)evilmatt

Viking1064

Counseling would help you both, but I doubt if she'd even consider it. I think she is too young to realize that she needs help. She either married too young and really didn't know or appreciate what a marriage is all about or there is definately not telling you the whole truth. Why after a year is she not connected with you? Something happened. I don't think it was anything you have done. It is more likely that she expected more from a marriage. I wish you the best of luck. Do your best to make it work and help her. If she still doesn't want to stay, let her go. She doesn't deserve you.

sltkr2000

i believe one thing that is most important, communucate, communicate, communicatee...let her tell you what she really feels, maby she feels that there is not enough romance, nothing special or unique activities. Sam thing everyday, she feels that her life is not going any where certain. I would ask her, if she like to move somewhere elese, a city, house, job.

haveing a change in an enviroment will make her feel better.

collide

I'm not sure if you're looking for comforting words or advice on how to salvage your relationship, but it sounds like you believe that it's not a completely hopeless situation, so I'll try to throw out some ideas for you, but don't do anything I suggest unless you think it might help improve your situation. It sounds like you both had ideals about marriage, and she's probably experiencing some sort of disappointment that her greatest expectation has not been met (ask her what she expected/wanted from a marriage if it's not clear), so maybe you could do something for her to assure her that you can still be the one to provide her with romance, love, and security. If she wants to see other men, it may just be her way of saying that she's looking for something that she once saw in you, but over time fizzled away and never resurfaced. Find out if that's the real reason and see if that'll help rekindle that connection you once had with each other.

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quantumburnz

First, sorry to hear this. Second, you guys are married!?! I've never been married and don't intend to for a while, but does she not understand what getting married means? Yes, she needs to be happy and there's maybe some things you can do, but I'd say try to save it. See a marriage councelor and talk to her. Like others have said. Communicate. Good luck. That's my 2 cents.

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sixate

I'm gonna keep this simple.

She said she doesn't love you. Your feelings towards her don't matter if she doesn't feel the same as you. It is not salvageable.

nunya4712

..

yournamehere

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

The same thing happened to me 20 years ago (we never married, though)

I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that, despite what she's told you, she's already found someone else - she's trying to sugarcoat it and let you down slowly, but my money says she's cheating already.

Sorry to appear harsh, and I hope I'm wrong, but to have her feelings do a 180 in just one year of marriage is very unusual, unless she already has a backup plan. She found greener grass (If it's any consolation - it won't stay green there for long, either).

It's a hard thing to do, but yuo need to move on without her.
Remember - living good is the best revenge. Keep that career motivation going - don't let her rob you of that, too.

It's hard to imagine now, but you'll find someone else and be happy again.

Good luck.

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kalashnikov

I was just wondering, you said you married her when she was 23; how old were you? And how long had you guys dated before marriage? It seems all too often these days people rush into marriage after knowing each other for only weeks or months, when they can't possibly know the other enough to properly make a commitment such as marriage.

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motdakasha

I understand that you have tried a lot to get her to compromise with you about rethinking things and the vows. So far, you've neither confirmed nor denied trying to get her in to a marriage counselor. Try recommending that, see if she'll go with you. If she is absolutely unwilling to compromise (and it sounds like that's the way), you have to ask yourself... Is it worth agonizing over someone who is unwilling to compromise knowing full well it's not going to go anywhere despite all of the feelings I have for her?

And, if she has to be "true to herself," why wasn't she true to herself when she said her vows? If she was, I don't think you two would be in this predicament.

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HALDONIA

SORRY MAN,BUT --YOURNAMEHERE---HIT MY THOUGHTS CAUSE "BEEN THERE,DONE THAT".HOPE NOT FOR YOU, BUT I THINK SHE HAS HER DATE PICKED OUT.

jbrooks544

If you absolutely must try to keep her - and you can honestly say it is love and devotion and not infatuation and possessiveness, then you need to "not let her go" (not in a stalker way). Personal experience is that if is worth saving and you make that decision, that you need to show her that she means the world to you. If she leaves, chase after her and swear your love and that you can't live without her, etc. I have done this and it worked for me. You need to really change though, to be more attentive and caring and give her what she wants. Communication may be the problem. She might want things from you she hasn't said and things about you might piss her off and she hasn't told you. Any two people living together for a while can easily fall into only seeing the negative side of the other and dwelling on the things that piss you off about the other person. It takes a lot of work to overcome this.

On the other hand, don't play the fool. Your description of the situation leads me to consider the possibility that she is immature and not ready for this committed relationship. If that is really the case then she is going to leave regardless. The only question would be whether she fools around on you before or after she leaves. I would say it would be better if you cut your losses and don't have to subject yourself to a cheating spouse. I would consider getting out. Not easy and you will be depressed and miserable for a while, but that will pass. You don't want to wake up in 5 years and find you have wasted your life with a horrible relationship and she is cheating on you. If this happens after you have kids it is a disaster. You are young and can absorb this bad times and move on and start again. I couldn't imagine an "open" marriage if I loved the woman. Just a recipe for disaster and then you get aides and die.

evilmatt

ACK! So many ppl to reply to... bear with me here.

When we got married I was 25 and she was 23. We had been dating for 4 and a half years at that point. We started dating when I was 20 and she was 18. That probably has everything to do with her wanting to get out and see the world, as it were.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by yournamehere
I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that, despite what she's told you, she's already found someone else - she's trying to sugarcoat it and let you down slowly, but my money says she's cheating already.

See, I know for a fact that she isn't. Despite any and all problems we're having, she is faithful and honest. She's very close with her family and especially her mom, who would not let her do something like that and not tell me. We've both said in the past that if we found someone new, that we would tell the other. Through all our difficulties, we are still honest with eachother.

Now...

As a follow-up, we got together with her parents last night and we all put everything on the table. I think things are starting to look up, at least a bit. We've agreed to try counseling and we spent a nice night together. Nothing is guaranteed, of course, but there's signs of hope amidst everything. I dunno how it's all gonna end up, but thanks everyone for your advice, I really appreciated it on one of my darkest days. Cheers.

(notalways)evilmatt.

JStrider

well sounds like things may be looking up...

everyones already said what i woulda said so ill just say good luck and im sure everything will work out for the best....

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jimk

don't let this situation destroy your faith in love...it's real. sometimes it's just not reciprocal, unfortunately.

if you try & succeed to convince her to stay with you, she's probably gonna go out & do it anyway. she's really young and if she has an itch like that i'm afraid it won't go away.

i think your best bet is to walk away. now. easy for me to type - hard for you to do, i know. but that is a good plan for two reasons:



1) she will be shocked at your quick detachment, and realize how much she needs you much sooner than if you hang around & whine.

or

2) she really doesn't want or need you, and it's the quickest way for your shredded heart to scab over.



in my bachelor days we called this the "take away" and it is the best way to deal with a situation like yours..........

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Thraeryn

I've always found that life gives me what I need. If it takes something away from me, it's to give me better.

I recently just up and disappeared on my wife because the greener grass was waiting for me. And, to burst the bubble of the rest of you out there, it is so much greener, is so lush and comfortable that I don't regret the choice.

I don't know what mental change hit her, but I've fallen out of love with someone in five minutes. When it happens, the person who fell out has to be strong and stick to their guns so that they can be happy.

There are other people in the world.

jbrooks544

Important lesson - saved my marriage more than once over 16 years: If you lover her and she is walking away - and if there is any chance of saving it - don't just let her walk away. Sometimes I think they just need to show that you want them enough to "not let them walk away".

Of course, only you know if this is the right course and if there is any real chance to go forward and make it work. The two things that make me feel a little pessimistic are that 1. you have only been married a short time - this stuff gets more difficult after 3 or 4 years, nevermind 10 or 15; 2. She has voiced the thoughts about seeing other men - This makes me think that she isn't nearly mature enough to be able to stay in a serious relationship, let alone a good marriage. It sounds like she shouldn't have gotten married in the first place if she is capable of these thoughts. Not a good sign. I only mention this stuff so that you don't forget about it or live in denial. If everything goes well and you get back on track then you should not tolerate any of this talk from her. If it makes you feel bad then tell her it does. Ask her if she wants anything sexually that you aren't giving her. Study up and develop better lovemaking techniques. If she is weak-kneed from you getting her off so much then she won't be able to think that there are greener pastures. I'm guessing that all is not well in the bedroom? If so, this needs to be your #1 priority. One fool-proof method is to munch her pu$$y for 20 minutes a few times a week before you get any for yourself. Get kinky and get her into you.

giblfiz

My friends always called me sledgehammer because I am so blunt with the truth, but I don't seem to be able to hold a candle to 6'8" If she doesn't love you, you loose. And it sucks and it hurts, and it burns but nothing in heaven or earth can change that but her, and you can't change her.

Now for advice, put the energy you were going to put into clinging into moving forward with your life. Oh and enter therapy now as a preemptive strike, no way your going to come out of this without at least a little "head trauma" even if she decides to come back.

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evilmatt

Hi all,

Emdub, evilmatt here. Wow, forgot all about all these responses and I decided to go hunting around for this post. Heh.

Well it's been a couple years since that whole episode, I doubt anyone was curious past a month or two what happened but I might as well give a nice update to the whole thing.

To put it simply, she was cheating on me with my best friend. Yeah, that was fun and most of you were spot on. I was a stupid, lovesick fool hoping and wishing beyond hope that it weren't true but after keylogging my PC for a bit I managed to capture enough conversations between her and my friend to confront her. It was ugly and messy, they broke it off and got back together more times than I care to think about and for a spell I thought I would stay with her, if for no other reason I don't give up on much and a marriage is imporant to me. But no, the cheating whore had to go. It got messier, messier still but it was over about 6 months later, divorce signed, sealed and delivered. And no, I don't talk to that friend either.

And now? Married again, my first child due in June. My wife is a 180 from my first, she's kind and faithful (ZOMG, really?) and the kindest person I know. She's bitchy alongside me, but not at me, and a perfect fit for my personality. I don't have to prove myself to her and she doesn't demand anything but my love and devotion. It's really a wonderful relationship and I would never have appreciated it the way I do had I not gone through the above struggle.

So yeah, just a lil' update. In case anyone was wondering. Thanks to everyone for the advise, it's really true that living my life and being happy the rest of my days is the best revenge and I plan on exacting that revenge for as long as I live.

Take care, y'all.

Borla

Awesome to hear there was a happy result, even if the journey there was a bit painful.

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ratbastid

Congrats! Glad to hear everything worked out. Things have a tendency to do that, ya know. ;-)

By the way, and I know you didn't ask for advice about this, but... The next thing for you to deal with is your father issues. Get that mess sorted out, and you won't believe how satisfying fatherhood will be for you.

NotAnAlias

Reading this thread from start to finish was rather depressing and sad, but i'm so glad things worked out for you in the end. Best of luck.

Jinn

I think this is one of the coolest posts I've ever seen on TFP. It's not often that we get replies to the relationship posts. Usually someone comes here, asks a question, and blamo -- gone. To hear that everything worked out AND you learned a great life lesson.. SO GOOD TO HEAR. You've single-handedly revived my faith in mankind; people actually DO learn from their past and move on to live a happier life. Good to hear again, man..

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tooth

Sorry that you had to go through such a shitty time. But, so glad that things worked out in the end.

*sniff* I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

JustJess

Thanks for coming back and telling us, that's wonderful news!

See? People CAN be taught, we're not useless!

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