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lurkette · 08-20-2003, 10:06 AM

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

I can't imagine that it's salvageable if she's completely unwilling to stay - bottom line, she wants something that the marriage simply can't provide (experiences with other men). If that's the only reason she's leaving, I'm afraid there's not much you can do. You mention that she "feels no connection" between you any more. Is that at the root of her wanting to leave? Does she think she'll find this connection with other people? Or is she really just wanting to experience more of life?

So, if she is going to leave, the only thing you can deal with is yourself. It hurts like hell, I know, but perhaps once the pain is dulled a bit you can look at this as an opportunity for you to grow and change. It sounds like you're not just grieving over the loss of your wife as a lover, but over the loss of an image you had in your head of what she represented: stability, nuclear family, proof that you could "turn out all right." (Just a stab in the dark, but is it perhaps your idealization of her as a ticket to normalcy that might have led to a loss of connection when you turned out to be living with a real, flawed person and not a concept?) It sounds like you were looking to recreate a family life you never had (which is a totally normal impulse) and maybe that's why this is hitting so hard, above and beyond the normal pain of a marriage breaking up.

I think you should look at this as an opportunity to find a way to be okay with yourself, by yourself, rather than looking to a relationship to fill some kind of "hole" or imperfection you perceive in yourself that was caused by a rocky childhood. She may be doing you a huge favor, in the long run, in terms of your own development as a whole person, by taking away your security blanket like this.

08-20-2003, 10:06 AM	#4 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I can't imagine that it's salvageable if she's completely unwilling to stay - bottom line, she wants something that the marriage simply can't provide (experiences with other men). If that's the only reason she's leaving, I'm afraid there's not much you can do. You mention that she "feels no connection" between you any more. Is that at the root of her wanting to leave? Does she think she'll find this connection with other people? Or is she really just wanting to experience more of life? So, if she is going to leave, the only thing you can deal with is yourself. It hurts like hell, I know, but perhaps once the pain is dulled a bit you can look at this as an opportunity for you to grow and change. It sounds like you're not just grieving over the loss of your wife as a lover, but over the loss of an image you had in your head of what she represented: stability, nuclear family, proof that you could "turn out all right." (Just a stab in the dark, but is it perhaps your idealization of her as a ticket to normalcy that might have led to a loss of connection when you turned out to be living with a real, flawed person and not a concept?) It sounds like you were looking to recreate a family life you never had (which is a totally normal impulse) and maybe that's why this is hitting so hard, above and beyond the normal pain of a marriage breaking up. I think you should look at this as an opportunity to find a way to be okay with yourself, by yourself, rather than looking to a relationship to fill some kind of "hole" or imperfection you perceive in yourself that was caused by a rocky childhood. She may be doing you a huge favor, in the long run, in terms of your own development as a whole person, by taking away your security blanket like this. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France