tset

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for 3.5 years now and have been living together for about a year and a half.

I love her and she loves me. I've considered proposing many many times. Problem is, I'm 25 and I feel like now is the time to be single and wild before I get married. My girlfriend is the only serious relationship I've ever had and she's the only one I've had sex with. As a result, I'm pretty curious to find out what else is out there. Here are my 2 main concerns about getting married to her now:

1. If I marry now, I'll never have the chance to have sex with any other girl.

2. Without having more serious relationships to compare to, how can I really judge if she's "the one?"

The situation now is that we had a marriage talk and I couldn't hold back my feelings any longer. So, I was completely honest with her and told her I need time and space to think things through. As a result, she's moving out of our apartment in about a week and I will be single once again. It was her decision to move out. We both are hoping that this will be a temporary break and we will get back together at some point soon (within a year). I truly have always imagined her as my future wife. I think she'd be a great mother too.

The past week since she made the decision to leave have been hard, obviously. Both of us are really sad about this but we're trying hard to enjoy each other while we still can.

My question is........what do you guys think about this whole situation and do relationships typically survive this sort of thing??

tenchi069

Sounds like you had/have a good thing going with her. Of COURSE she is going to want to move out if you told her you want to see other people. Know though that you may get the 1-5 years of being wild and single, but you will most likely never date this girl again if you break up with her. On the flip side, if you can't commit yourself to her and only her it is best for you to let her go. Just my 2 cents. If you like it keep it, if not throw the change in a jar.

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angela146

Hubby and I had the same issue and took the exact opposite solution: We fell in love when we were 18, were engaged at 18/19 and married when we were 20. We were each other's firsts and we had the same dilemma.

Our solution: we agreed to wait until after we were married to have intimate relationships with other people. We did it for exactly the reasons you mention. We both wanted to not have the experience of being with other people and we didn't want to have to stay single to do it.

By waiting until after we were married, we confirmed our commitment to each other and we made it clear to other people that out relationship with each other comes first.

Check into the subject of "polyamory". Marriage does not have to be a straitjacket. Even if you do "play the field" before getting married, your desire to occasionally have other relationships will still be there after you're married.

Before you get married, and I suspect you will, talk to your fiancee and work this out. We did, and in our case, we left out the vow to "forsake all others" (along with the "obey" thing).

aintyoboyfriend

It sounds to me like you really, really want to believe that she is the woman that you want to marry, but you have doubts.

In my opinion, and this is only my opinion, when you find the right person, you will have no doubts, and you will truely feel as if you won't be missing out on anything.

I also agree that if you break up now, you will never date her again. Though she may say that you can get back together in the future, you won't.

tset

Wow, that sucks to hear you guys say I might not date her again. Then again, if I have these feelings about experiencing other girls, maybe she actually isn't the one for me. It's so confusing. Angela, thanks for your input but I don't know if that sort of relationship will work out long-term. There's gotta be some jealousy/anger/guilt involved in that sort of situation.

There's a couple of things I'm worried about once we break:

1st- She'll find someone else and eventually forget about me.

2nd- If I try to get back with her, she will remember my reasons for breaking in the first place and she won't be able to "trust" me if we were to get married. This might put a permanent thought in her head that I'm always gonna be looking for hotties.

I keep telling myself: "If it is meant to be, we'll get back together"

Anyone out there think we can get back together, get married, and live happily ever after??

GoldenOuroboros

No offence but... You fool!! lol.. I've been through what you were doin.. except I proposed... and I'm only 21 Me and my girl have only been with each other, Yes I still think about what if?? and what would another chick be like? But a good friend once said to me You've got to live in the present not the future. If you could see yourself having kids with this woman..

I myself just over looked all that crap about being with another woman and what it must be like yada yada yada.. hehe.. I have enough fun exploring with her than I ever did.

Just my thought

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tset

I see what you are saying Golden and that might've been true for me too. I just don't want to be 45 years old with regrets that I wasn't more wild (had more sex, dated more girls, etc.) when I was young.

dunkelhelmut

Life is what you make of it. Each person wants a different thing to be important in their life.

Since you considered proposing to your gf several times before, it sounds like you are looking into a long term relationship. If that is the case, and it appears that it is, then I think you're leaving a great thing behind if you break this off.

People will say that there are other girls out there, which is true. But when you've reached a level like you apparantly have with this girl, it will be difficult to get back to where you were.

Also, what happens when you get to this point with another girl? Are you going to do the same thing to her? How much sex and how many girls are enough? These are all questions you'll have to answer yourself.

If I were you, I'd hit that Undo button a couple times and make things up to your girl.

Gorgo

tset, lets review the facts.

Girlfriend of 3.5 years. Had alot of sex with her I am guessing.
Fact is: You will actually have more sex with a single girlfriend than playing the field. Girls tend to be more active with one guy because they are comfortable with you.

There will be the thrill of new girl sex, but after a couple times, guess what? The thrill is gone because you recognize the girls face before she gets her clothes off. Time to move on then, eh?

If you are wondering about variety, having sex with a girl is about the same with each one. I've been with a few and it was all good. But the best sex is that which you have with someone you love, its more intimate and exciting, for me anyway.

If your girlfriend is the "right" girl for you, she will be willing to try some new and exciting things with you. Like the wild sex you are afraid you are missing out on. Just approach her with your interests and see how far she's willing to go? You may be surprised.

So that covers your concerns on having "more" sex and dating "more" or "wilder" girls.

Bottom line, you need to clear your head, go off somewhere by yourself and think this over. And ask yourself, is it the desire for a new girl or the fear of intimacy with your girlfriend?

PS. This isn't a "weird" relationship situation. It happens with every couple at some point. Its where you decide if you truly "love" that person and want them in your life forever.

Whats worse is a 45 year old guy who realizes he could have been getting laid for the last 20 years by a girl who loves him, but he got cold feet and she got away . . .

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lemming

i was in the the same position you are about 6 months ago, i chose to break up and see if i was missing anything. i went out and had all kinda fun, girls, girls and more girls...but for me now that i have done that i feel that i chose poorly. it was fun for a bit and almost certainly felt like the thing to do at the moment, but now i do regret not just staying together. as far as getting back together after that? i doubt itl happen, but ppl are different and it might work out for you. but id say...that if you care for her and even think that you want to be with her for the rest of your life then dont take a chance and fuck it up, youll regret it..trust me.

rival

If you don't feel comfortable being with this girl and you feel like you have to see what else is out there, then that's what you have to do. You have to do what's right for you.

Now, if I were you, I'd do the exact opposite. If I had a girl that I loved and could see myself with for the rest of my life, I wouldn't walk away from it just to nail some random pussy.

kel

If you don't propose your crazy IMO.
There is no time to be young and wild. You do it if that is the only thing that works for you. There is never any reason not to stick with a fulfilling monogamous relationship. There is little your missing.

If you have lasted 3.5 years and are happy... well golly gee... What do you mean this is the one? You been watching to much TV... There is no "one." God nor fate has someone special set aside for you. It's your decision to stick with what you have and make the most of it, or spend possibly the rest of your life searching for the next best thing.

But the way you talk about her I don't think your ready to give her the commitement she deserves. Iron out your feelings. You either want to spend the rest of your life with the girl the way she is, or you want to go shopping for something better.

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angela146

Good marriages aren't "meant to be" and good houses don't build themselves. They're both built and maintained with hard work. If you wait for something that's meant to be you could end up with a lot of regrets.

Quote:

Anyone out there think we can get back together, get married, and live happily ever after??

I think you can if you do it right now.

I have the best marriage of anyone I know and it's because my husband and I *both* do *whatever it takes* to keep the relationship good. That's the only way I know that works.

If that means throwing yourself on the ground at her feet and groveling, then do it. If you both feel that monogamy is important to you, then forsake all other women and marry her.

It also means that she has to do the same. Somehow you have to talk to her and reach that part of her that still loves you. She has to be willing to forgive you and either trust you to never stray or let you have an occasional dalliance once in a while.

Am I being unreasonable? Yup, but marriage isn't about being reasonable. It's about committment and putting the relationship first.

Check out the thread: "A dialog about marriage." http://tfproject.org/tfp/showthread....light=marriage

motdakasha

Instead of separating yourselves, you might want to research and experiment with polygamy (or polyamory).

<hr>

Not sure if it was directed at my post, but polygamy doesn't necessarily imply meaningless sex.

*edit* I meant more polyamory than I did polygamy. Oops.

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Tirian

tset - I just thought you might want to hear from one more guy that this can work out great. Although I'm not 45 yet, I am into my 15th year of marraige, and do not feel the least regret about dating more girls etc. etc.

My rule of thumb when dating was pretty simple. I'd ask myself...as I get to know this person better and better do I like them better and better ? I'd continue until the answer was NO. With my wife the answer was always, and continues to be YES.

denim

How would you like to be 45 and wishing that you'd married her instead of being a bit of an idiot? You can spin all the "regret" you like, but you've got to base what you do on what you know now.

Dating and fucking around are a means to an end. If you've already found The One for you, and you set her aside for one you don't even know yet, you're forgetting the "bird in the hand vs two in the bush" thing.

Oh, and I wouldn't consider your situation even slightly unusual, for someone who is young and who got lucky. Better to commit and regret later than to never commit and regret later, I say. At least you'll have some good times rather than none.

Sparhawk

Great advice, I'll be using that one in the future

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yournamehere

We all have our "One that got away"

Welcome to the club.

I can't blame you for your feelings - they're natural. But don't count on her taking you back - after all, what you told her is basically this: "I need to find out if there are any better women than you out there - if I can't find any in a year or two, I'll get back to you, babe."

How would you feel if it were the other way around? Would you be a doormat and take her back?

Didn't think so.

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skysooner

It is pretty common to want to see what is on the other side of the street, but in retrospect it hasn't been all that it was cracked up to me (yes, it is easy to say that having slept with around 30 women prior to meeting my wife). I dislike it when people think that you are really missing something which may mean that she isn't the right person. However life isn't always that simple and there are many alternative ways to live. I have always disliked labels as they box us in. For the longest time, I wanted to marry that woman who was experienced (but not too experienced). Basically the woman who was a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom. Instead I fell for a Catholic virgin who while showing flashes of sexual responsiveness before we were married was completely hung up on the subject. I was the first guy to touch her breasts, etc., and it was no fake. However what has happened is that my prim and proper little Catholic girl has turned into a girl that absolutely loves sex and with me. I completely trust her. If you have something good, don't turn it down just because you aren't sure. If it works, go for it. You only go around once, so enjoy it.

tset

I hear what you all are saying, and it makes sense. Problem is.....it's too late. She's already decided to move out. Her mentality is that this break is something that we definitely need if we have any chance to move forward (if that makes any sense). Honestly, for the past 2 years now, I've thought a lot about that awesome euphoric feeling you have when you first meet someone great and what sex would be like with other girls.

A lot of you guys are saying that sex with other girls (other than the ONE) is not that great. I bet you're right, I've heard the same from my friends. I feel like crap now because I think I made a big mistake in letting her go but then again, I think this is REALLY something that I need to clear my head of this stuff.

I realized something else the other day......any girl that start a relationship with from here on has GOT to be better than the girl I'm with because I wouldn't tolerate anything less. RIGHT? I guess the only problem with that mentality is that it might take me a long time to find that person. Oh well. I feel like total crap. Live and learn.

tritium

Take her, marry her and be happy that you've found a woman that is willing to be with you ....

Cheers. Here's to 50 more years...

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angela146

Don't be too sure. Women actually do their minds, especially if there is a strong emotional reason to do so.

If you swallow your pride and tell her that you made a big mistake and that you want to marry her, and if you're sincere, she might just change her mind.

skysooner

I agree. Many times that I have decided thing is just a test to see if you are willing to really put yourself out there for her. Women are masters at saying things without saying them if you know what I mean.

isandro

Ofcourse every person is different and not everybody will be able to set aside their reservations.
Have you met any new girls yet?

one tip about the GOT to be better:
I think many people overlook the fact that it can take quite some time before you get something as good as the thing you had before- mainly because you've grown so close to the other person. New people are just that: 'new people'. There's no way you can have the same emotional intensity with someone you've just met.
But maybe the whole good times and meanlingless sex thing is just right for you!
I know I sound sarcastic, but I'm really being atleast half-serious. I can imagine what you did took some guts and it blew up in your face.
Hope you find peace of mind soon.

and I agree with angela146, the whole meant-to-be thing is a total myth. If something actually happens effortlessly, you got astronomically lucky.

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denim

TELL her you feel like crap! Tell her quick!

Molly Moon

yournamehere said it EXACTLY right. And I'll second what he says and raise it several notches:

How are you going to feel as she starts to date other people as well, and realizes that there are men out there who won't set her by the wayside to run off and play "whatif"?

3.5 years out of the dating game huh? You've prolly forgotten how to do it... what makes you think you can get laid by anyone else?

[/devil's advocate mode off]

Seriously though, if your doubts about her are strong enough to talk about them, then you've done yourself and her a favor by ending the relationship. I'm sure you'll both find someone better.

Either that or you'll be 45 and alone wishing you hadn't looked for the greener grass.

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noodle

I think you've already made up your mind. You need time to spread your wings... do it, man. Do what your heart is telling you to do... not what any of us is telling you, even me. Do what you feel is right.

tset

So.....it's now been about 2 weeks since we decided to "take a break." We're still living together but she'll be moving out early next week. Since that point 2 weeks ago, it's been a little weird, obviously, but we still completely act like we're a couple. The only thing that is different is that she won't have sex with me until we're back together which I can totally understand.

Honestly, she's giving me many signs that she still wants our relationship to go long-term. She tells me she loves me, makes references to our future, etc. I'm not freaking out yet because of these signs she's giving me. What I'm gonna do is try to stay as involved in her life as I can for the next 8 months or whatever so that she doesn't slip away. I really think that everything is gonna be OK with us. If she starts dating other guys, I'm gonna be way sad

Gorgo

OK, hold on, I am swinging my open hand quickly across your face, SLAP!!!!

Wake up, dude!!!

She is NOT going to jump up and down and scream, "I want you! I want you! I want you!". Most girls are more reserved than that.

The fact that she hung around for 2 weeks after you said you "wanted a break" was suppose to be enough time for you to pick out an ''Engagement" ring. Or at least say, "I had a "Momentary lapse of reason" and it just dawned on me how much I will miss you if you leave."

Did you go off by yourself and think this over for a few hours like we suggested? Here's a thought, go to the movies by yourself. If at the end of the movie you turn to look for her, you know what to do . . .

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analog

Firstly, you're a breath of fresh air, angela, and I applaud you for it. Second, I feel your pain man...

I was with my last girlfriend for over 3 years... lived together for a few months... we broke up because we just had become 2 different people over the 3 year long-distance relationship... but the fact is i always thought there could NEVER be another girl to replace her... and now i'm with a girl who i've been with for almost 6 months and she makes me a BILLION times happier EVERY DAY than my last one EVER did in the whole 3 years.

There MIGHT be another girl for you out there, but it's for you to decide if it's worth exploring to lose her.

kalashnikov

I think it is common, especially before a large commitment like marriage to start thinking "what if" about other girls. And being in my first and only relationship involving sex, I know the feeling, but unless the sex is bad, it probably won't be any different with other people. (I know you can't compare it if she is the only one, but I think you would be able to tell if it was horrible or amazing or just kind of blah.) If it was just becoming boring sex or a boring relationship, try and spice it up, try something new, but something new together.
There was a scene towards the end of High Fidelity, when John Cusack's character proposes to his girlfriend after be back together with her for only a day or two after splitting. He said that he always imagined that unlike her, other girls might only wear silky lingere (i have no idea how that's spelled) as opposed to cotton briefs and that his biggest concern in a relationship with another girl would be "oh how funny we got the same christmas present for each other", but in reality, that was just a dream, and that all girls have the cotton undies.
Yeah, you will probably see some real hot girls out there that you'd like to nail, but if you two were that compatible (to live togther for 1.5 years after dating 3) and loved each other, I think you threw away something wonderful.
How do you know if she's the one? Only you can decide that, and you decide your own terms. Just don't leave the decision making up to your penis.

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neddy65

She loves you and wants to be with you but if you go to "experiment " she will never forget it or stop thinking she wasn't good enough even if you end up together.

I have had sex with two women, The mother of my son(she moved on) and the mother of my two daughters(married 9 years and happy). I somrtimes think about what if scenarios but I don't consider them for two reasons : 1. I love my wife. and 2. no meaningless sex could be as satisfiying as the sex I have with the woman I love and have chosen to live my life with.

you have to make a decision and i don't envy you the choosing but I don't miss the "greener grass" at all. Love shouldn't be a feeling but a state of being.

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Thraeryn

Let's see. I think I've had sex with about nine women now, and at least five of them have been times when I decided the current one wasn't good enough and that I needed to move on. Here's what I've learned:

1) There's such a thing as bad sex. It's easy to recognize.
2) If you stay attracted to her, and you actually enjoy the thought of spending an hour, a day, an entire weekend with her, STOP THERE. You're in a good place.

Your gal sounds like she's playing a bit of a game with you, but she might just be trying to convince herself to finally get out, at which point she won't come back. If you want her, kowtow. Apologize profusely. Tell her you've changed your mind, that you were being dumb. Because if you stay attracted to her, and you still enjoy spending lots of time together, you're being dumb by leaving.

Believe me. I am the shark that mothers warn their little girls about. I am the one that hears the friends' threats of "if you hurt her", then hurts her anyway because he's not satisfied. . . . And I don't see myself ever, ever leaving Jin unless she bodily throws me onto the street and locks the door and calls the cops.

Chemical

I'm in the same boat. I've been dating my gf for almost 4 years now. This is both our first serious relationships, both of us were virgins before and the most sexual thing we've done in our relationship was oral sex. She won't have sex with me and as it is I'm comfortable waiting for her to be ready... but it's been four years.

Part of me is thinking is she the one? How would I know since I've never had any other serious relationships? I'm actually worried that she'd be this fridget sexually if we ever decide to get married.

Sometimes I think to myself that I'm wasting her time but then there's the other times when we'll be laughing and having what seems like the greatest time together.

tired and confused.

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tset

Chemical,
Wow, that's a tough situation. I can understand why she would want to wait till marriage, but I tend to think it's a bad idea. I think it's very important to know one's self sexually before a person gets married. What if you both get married and the sex isn't that great? If you have a major problem with that situation, (like I would) then you need to talk to her about it. Anyway...............

Well, my girlfriend officially moved out about 5 days ago while I was out of town on business. I came home to an almost-empty apartment (only my crap). She wrote me a 3-page note telling me how much she loves me and that everything's gonna be OK, etc. When I got home from the airport and read that, I cried like a baby. I miss her so much. We have made an agreement not to talk to each other for one month starting Aug. 27th. I truly believe that we will get back together. If we don't, I will truly be heartbroken. I now realize how much she means to me. I will do everything I can to get her back. I see a big advantage to doing this..........both of us (hopefully her too) will really appreciate each other more than ever. I'm so friggin lonely.......

wry1

Okay, I can't take it any more!!!!

Tset, you've been behaving like you're not even 21 yet, instead of someone who's most of the way to his 10-year high school reunion. While I'll admit that you've shown quite a willingness to learn since the beginning of this thread, I have to say that you're making yet another bone-headed play if you wait the month that you've "both" agreed to. The problem is this: while you're lamenting the fact that she's gone, she's slowly chewing over what you said to her to cause this little rift. Yes, she's feeling the loss, but she's also feeling hurt, angry, betrayed and abandoned as well.....and those are going to overshadow the loss.

If you do nothing else from the advice that's been given to you so far, do this: START DATING HER ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!! It comes down to rebuilding the bond you two had (which took a serious hit during that ill-fated conversation), and you can't do it with silence. If you just sit on your ass feeling sorry for yourself, it won't happen - ever. This is one of those situations where you need to act and you need to act now.

Call her. Apologize for not being able to go through with the 1-month exile but explain that after having your head slapped thoroughly by your "friends" you realized that it was a combination of cold-feet and youth which led you to this situation and that you not only recognize but also understand the special relationship you have with this woman. Tell her that you know things cannot go back to being the way they were instantly, and that you'd welcome the opportunity (if she can find it in her heart to give it to you) to just go out with her for a nice evening, so that the two of you can try to mend this situation together a little at a time.

This will show her that you understand the nature of the situation, that you also realize that it will take work to resolve it, and finally: that you are willing to do whatever it takes (no matter how painful the process) to restore her trust and confidence in you and in your relationship together.

I won't lie to you: it may be too late. But if you don't try - and try NOW - then you'll lose her for certain.

Do not delay. Act now! And please, keep us informed.

All my best to the two of you.

uptown

You get to date and have sex with others but sit there and talk about how sad you'll be if she does the same?

Guess what,you basically leveled her emotionally,it sounds like she handled your announcement with a lot of class and dignity.Here's hoping she gets over you and heals quickly.

jbrooks544

By definition, if you have doubts then it isn't meant to be. When people asked me "how do you know when it is right" etc. I just say "if you have to ask..." When it is right, you will know. There is no magic age number for when you should get married. I was married at 24 but I had had 4 or 5 serious relationships of over a year and had had all the wild oats sowing that one could ever want - had been there, done that, etc. I had always thought, "I'll get married after I'm 30", etc. but if you are mature and experienced in serious relationships - you will know when it is right - you won't ask "how do you know". Live and learn, go out and get laid. Go out and have other relationships. Go out and grow up and live and love and learn - otherwise you will always wonder what is on the other side that you never had. My biggest lesson that I learned before marriage was the difference between infatuation and real lasting love. Infatuation comes from a hot babe with great sex and fun but there isn't any substance 6 months later. Hard to tell the difference when you are in it and it hurts the same when it goes poof. Maybe a year or two from now when you are miserable and lonely and sick of meaningless shallow relationships you will go crawling back to her and maybe she wouldn't have found someone else. You did the right thing - if you have doubts then it isn't time.

tset

Damn, I'm hearing all this conflicting opinions. What it all comes down to though is what I feel. And I feel the need to mend things with her. These past few weeks have been crap without her. Thanks for your advice jbrooks, but I need to get back with her. I need to get in contact with her. I understand the situation and I will be very tactful in trying to get back with her. I've been going over what I'm going to say to her over and over in my head. I'll keep you guys updated. Thanks everyone!

wry1

Remember: words are just that, but gestures mean so much more.... try to combine the two when you speak to her.