Stiller

Okay I need help. I'm 25, I've had sex maybe a maximum of 10 times in my entire life, only one or two which went somewhat decent. I've had several encounters with girls as a single guy where I got them to my bedroom and was just too nervous that I couldn't get hard...very embarrassing to say the least and a huge kill to my confidence.

So it's been almost two years since I've last had sex (was with my g/f before we broke up) and now I'm talking to this girl and I can tell she wants it and so do I. I just don't know how to make the first move because I'm afraid I'm gonna get her hopes up then be so nervous that I can't get hard and just totally blow any chances of being with this girl.

Any suggestions on what I can do to a) not be so nervous/worried and b) make the first move in the bedroom. In the past with a girl I remember getting our clothes off, me being pretty hard and then going down on her for a bit and then I lost it and couldn't get it back. Should I just not bother about going down for so long?

I feel so pathetic

genuinegirly

You should probably see a physician and ask them why this might be happening to you. It could be an indicator of a greater underlying problem, such as an anxiety disorder.

My advice:
You need to relax. It'll happen or it won't. There will be opportunities later.

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RangerJoe

Alcohol. Not too much, just enough to take away the nerves.

I've been in plenty of situations where the guy gets nervous and can't perform. I understand. I'm sure she will too. Just take your time, don't rush into it. If you're hard then go soft again, do some more foreplay. If it turns out that you can't perform, don't worry about it too much. It will come. (pun not intended. =P)

Willravel

I was really, really nervous with the first relationship after I broke up with my fiance. I'd been in a relationship for years and we were both raising her daughter, so I was in the mindset of a very long term relationship. Suddenly being back dating again was a big shock. After a few really decent dates, we went back to her place and I have to admit I had the worst case of butterflies in history. What did I do? Foreplay. Then oral (by me on her). They took my mind off the nervousness long enough for me to get into it and I was fine.

It's just like performing music. It's normal to be nervous going on stage, but when you start playing, most people tend to mellow out and just enjoy it.

Halx

Beer. 2 of them.

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Yellow Tulip

I think men worry too much about this and it just makes the situation worse. It is very common for a man to be like that the first time - it has happened to a large percentage of my boyfriends over the years - they either have problems getting hard, or slip out and cannot re-penetrate, or shoot very quickly. The first time is the worst. As Halx says, a few beers may help. If you lose your erection, just remember how common this is. If she has had other boyfriends she will probably know that.

ratbastid

Tell her.

I know. I know. You're ashamed and worried. I know. But really: this is a situation where an honest, open conversation will go a LONG way toward easing the very nerves that are causing the problems.

If you can be open enough with her to have sex with her, you can be open enough with her to tell her about this. And then if it happens, it happens, and nobody's surprised or disappointed, and the next time can be even more relaxed.

World's King

At least you don't get really bad gas when you're nervous.

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abaya

Seriously... it's not a big deal. Any women who would somehow hold it against you for not staying hard the first time you have sex is not a woman worth dating, in my opinion. It's a completely natural response. There is no need to feel that you have to "perform" perfectly the first time around. You're human, not superman or a porn god. Just be honest with her about it, and if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Be relaxed about THAT reality, and the situation will be fine. She doesn't need you to impress her; she needs you to be sincere, humble, and honest. Contrary to popular belief, that's what earns most women's respect in bed... your character, not the actions of your penis.

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JStrider

your worrying about it too much... just relax and dont worry about it...

easier said then done I'm sure...

a beer or 2 could probably help you relax... but too much will just cause more trouble...

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snowy

Great post, abaya. Took the words right out of my mouth.

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p95ccw

I find that by just working on pleasing her with your hands, Mouth and maybe even toys if your into that kind of thing! After you work on that for a while all your nerves will be gone and you can get to the intercourse part! And you need to talk about it!

Anormalguy

Explain to her that you're nervous, and aren't sure if everything is going to go well. If she's interested in you as a person, not just a lay, she will be understanding and patient.

There have been more than a few times when I had to apologize for cumming way too quickly.

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Ilow

honestly, the women on this board rule. (the guys do too, of course) Several posters have made excellent suggestions. I favor a) a drink or two, b) disclosing your nervousness, c) telling her that you love to please a woman orally, d) doing it, e) just kissing her/roll around with her naked and enjoy her, f) slide it in when there is less pressure to do so, g) pull out and come on her face (whoops, was momentarily possessed by Worlds King

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Stiller

Wow thank you all for the insightful and thoughtful responses! One last question.. I smoke pot, do you think smoking a bit prior to sex will help relax me a bit? If so, is there any side-effects to getting hard because of weed? (you know, like whiskey-dick from drinking too much, etc)

World's King

Yes. Weed is your problem.




How can you worry too much and smoke weed?

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Aladdin Sane

ratbastid speaks wisdom of the ages.

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YaWhateva

How do you mean? I've found pot makes sex even better.

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Tully Mars

I don't think pots your problem. Never heard of anyone getting "reefer dick." I think everyone's giving solid advice here, esp. Rat and abaya. But considering this has happened prior and given your age I might mention it to a Dr. the next time you're in for a visit. So I'd listen to GG too.

But think about it if you approach it with honesty and openness any lady that thinks "dump this loser" surely isn't someone you want a relationship with, is she? And if you do get it out in the open that you're worried about it talking can only help you chill out. I'd say there's 95+% chance you're going to get a reaction much like all the ladies here have given- "it's not a huge deal it's happened before."
-----Added 6/12/2008 at 04 : 13 : 25-----
Check the setting on your sarcasm meter.





Either that or read the whole post.

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YaWhateva

Touché

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MSD

Tell her you're out of practice and that you tend to be nervous when you're getting used to being with someone. Have a few drinks to relax but not enough to get whiskey dick. Smoke with her beforehand if itnrepaxes you; I find that weed is like herbal Viagra for me (I also get the opposite of whiskey dick and sometimes can't get it to go down.).

This is typical anxiety with a new partner. don't worry about it or you'll make it worse

Suave

I'd appreciate it if you would not mock my condition, sir!

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katyg

I certainly agree with the other posters so far - if you tell her before it'll make it easier for *both* of you - my last partner struggled to stay hard for a long sesh and would clam up if I tried to broach the subject - it mades things difficult because after a while he would just kind of erm, how do i out this? Go for gold? As in go in too soon, then go really soon - which ended up being quite unfulfilling for both of us. Any girl worth having will be glad that you're comfortable discussing it beforehand so she doesn't have to feel upset by your bits not perhaps behaving which can be gutting as it makes a girl worry you don't find her hat sexually attractive. When you're starting a sexual relationship I think it's great that you can both be as open as possible with your worrys/preferences.

Practice and communication= good lover. There are plenty of things men can do to improve performance (exercises etc) but a word on the weed - in my experience it does make sex pretty great, everything feels so smooth and silky but...when you then do it sober it tends to by comparison feel a bit awkward so I'd avoid doing it frequently because it almost ruins how satisfying it can be sober! Keep it as a treat :-)

MSD

Of course weed makes sex more fun. Weed makes almost everything better.

Anormalguy

Not always .

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Xerxys

^^, yeah, not always,

and to the OP, either a beer or two. Nothin' like liquid confidence.

ItWasMe

Yuppers. I would *much* rather know ahead of time that there might be an issue with him being so nervous. If not, I might be worrying that he didn't find me quite as attractive once my clothes were off. Which is not the biggest incentive to accept another date. Just be up front.

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LordEden

I can not stress the importance of having a few drinks before trying this. I have the same problem, when it comes to the first time with a girl I start to over-think/over-analize the siuation. I start thinking to much and it starts dragging the ground. Men only have enough blood to run one head at a time. If all your blood is running around in your noggin', then there isn't going to be in snoggin' (or something like that).

Seriously, after the first time I'm ok and I think less about everything and more about pleasing the girl. Also, I'd stay off the weed with her, I get zoned out like a mofo when I smoke. I start to think WAY to much when I smoke so maybe lay off the pot for a day or two before hand and then try the beers. Might help you out alot to be out of the clouds when you get with her.

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Stiller

Well a little update: nothings working! (literally!) Last week I stayed at her place and we ended up fooling around for a while then she went to the bathroom and came back completely naked and got in bed with me. She got on top of me and started basically dry-f'ing me and I just couldn't get hard. Finally about another hour later she went down on me and I was able to get something going, and then sex lasted less than 30 seconds...

So she told me it was no big deal and she understands (since I hadn't been with anyone in a few years, etc.) So tonight I was back over at her place.. again she got completely naked in her bed and I just couldn't do it..This is the most embarrassing thing in the world to me and I don't think I'm going to even bother getting into that type of situation with ANYone for a long long time... I just can't take the humiliation anymore. After she fell asleep I snuck out of the bed without saying bye and just left. I don't know what to do.. If I'm here at home browsing the interwebs or watching videos, I have no problem getting an erection by myself.. wam bam I can get one in under 30 seconds no problem but then when I'm going down on a girl or I have a completely naked babe trying to ride me, I just get this anxiety moment where I can't do anything... HELP!

Are there any pills I could take? Like a viagra alternative or something? My self-esteem is shot and I now have 0 confidence

MEAD

It doesnt seem like you need anything like viagra, from what you have said you arnt impotent, you can get erect without difficulty in some situations. It's clear that sex is causing you really great anxiety, and running away from that problem is only going to make it worse and worse. It seems that you have the possibility to work with this understanding girl to overcome the anxiety you have. First thing you need to do is allow yourself to fail, then accept the real conditions of the problem (serious mental block), then work to overcome it.

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Anormalguy

The first thing that you need to do is apologize big time to your partner for sneaking out. It sounds as though she is really understanding and is trying to help you, and that is exactly what you need.

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curiousbear

+1 Anormalguy. The girl seems to be understanding.
I think you should get a little drunk (only for first few times)
I had been in this situation. Now it is not so. It takes some time and open communication

ratbastid

Oh, man... I can't second Anormalguy enough on this one. If I was her, I could understand the nervousness and the sexual difficulty--that could actually be kind of cute. But the sneaking out would be a VERY VERY big deal. You don't do that. Now at best she's puzzled and at worst she feels cheap. You've got to go explain and clean that up RIGHT NOW. Not later. Now. Or sooner.

And then here's what I recommend. Let her know you really want to get over this thing, and you want to get over it with her, and it might take some patience and understanding on her part, which she's already displayed in abundance, and you completely appreciate it and are grateful for it. Then next thing? I'd set this up: you're in your usual masturbation situation--so, in front of the computer, the porn is happening, whatever. Have her be come in when you're ready. Leave the porn on, and go from there. And if things start not working, have her go away again until you're ready to go again.

I know for me, if I've had a erection for any length of time and it goes away, getting hard again takes some doing. So don't let that happen. You might need to masturbate to stay hard--that's fine.

Don't run from this thing. This is a "take the bull by the horns" kind of situation. Giving up on it will make it a hundred times worse next time.

DesertFaust

Ditto. Women love that stuff

dddave

For god's sake, we've all been there. I have had times when I was "done" in under two minutes, and times when I simply could not finish.

Just get a grip and focus on making your woman feel good. Use your tongue or fingers if the little man will not stand at attention. She will recognize that you are working hard to pleasure her, and that is all that matters.

Dead_man

Hey bud, when I was young this happened to me. The very first time I ever had sex, I couldn't get it up I was so nervous. I was ashamed, kind of. I was 17 and strapping but also a huge nerd (which I proudly still am). Luckily the 18 year old girl was experienced in these issues and fixed the problem within 30 minutes.

This happened the second time, the third and up to the fifth. After that, I had enough confidence without help.

I think this is probably the issue, but who can tell on an internet forum? Confidence, man.

...and to the person who suggested alcohol... don't over-do it. I've been whiskey-dicked before. That's some frustrating stuff there. The only other problem is that if you use alcohol to calm yourself, you can start associating it and that ain't good in all cases. You don't want to do it to the point where you need a drink or two every time before sex.

elgeebar

Well there has been a lot of advice here and it's all good stuff... I understand your desperation because I've been there myself. The solution is confidence (well it was for me)... The problem is your caught in a vicious circle... you need to find a way to take the pressure off yourself and in this you have something going for you, your girlfriend who seems to be understanding... You need to make it all about giving her pleasure and you are well enough equipped to do this with out using your dick (forget about yourself for now). If you concentrate on looking after her and doing a good job of it, you'll forget about your problems... take confidence from giving her pleasure and soon enough you'll find what you need.

Of course, there is one thing you need to deal with first... and if you've not already done so, your a fool... you need to go apologise for sneaking off and talk to her some more... tell her my plan so she can help, after all, she knows what you need to do to get her going.

Something I can never stress enough to anybody is communication!

streak_56

Honestly, the same use to happen to me. I use to get nervous to the point that I couldn't do shit. But basically, my fiance and I just toughed it out and now its never a problem. I just became comfortable with her and we're all the better for it. I don't know if my "underlying" problem is the same as yours but I just thought it was because my views on sex is that its more than just casual, its sensual and mindblowing to share it with someone... lame explaination but thats my opinion.

Strange Famous

Just chill out and actually focus on the girl and enjoy it. If you dont get hard straight away just keep up the foreplay till you do?

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lostgirl

Everyone here has given really good advise. It seems like you are still thinking about it too much and that is going to make it worse. You need to not think about it at all, go into everything like you aren't even going to have sex. Just play with each other and have fun exploring your bodies.