Janey

I'm married. I've also been tempted into masturbating online (in Yahoo Messenger) with other people (male and female). It doesn't happen very often, but it has occurred. I am starting to wonder if this constitutes having an affair. What is the thought out there? I always viewed it as mutual/interactive masturbation.

Please note that I have not developed any attachments in the chat rooms, no long lasting relationships. But is this cheating?

KinkyKiwi

hmm, personally i dont think of it as cheating...if you feel guilty about it then just dont do it..i guess differnt people will feel different about it...ask your husband..if he says its cheating then it is...

__________________
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

Janey

I'm not going to ask my hubby. that's not an option. Just too embarrassing to admit i guess

maleficent

My book: If you feel like you have to hide it from your significant other, it's cheating.

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KinkyKiwi

yea i agree with maleficent..if you can't tell your SO it cheating

__________________
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

maleficent

At one point I might have said that, oh it's only Cyber, it's not real. That you can't possibly form real relationships and make connections with people who are only at the other end of a chat window. That opinion has changed over the years, as I've watched people fall in love, and fall out of love on-line. Cyber or not, those relationships are very real.

Maybe it's something you want to invite your husband to join you with. have some fun with it....

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KinkyKiwi

*nods* i met biznatch in person when he moved next door to me..but i fell for him online...he was just too annoying in person. i'm personally not really into cyber but i do flirt online..alot..but biznatch knows i do and i know he does too...and i make sure the people i'm flirting with know from the start that i'm taken..actually it ends up with me sending pictures of how cute he is and raving about the wonderfulness that is him. male is right..it could be really fun to like have that as something you do together...as to being embarissing...didn't you marry this man? don't you see him everyday and share everypart of yourself with him? sounds silly that your trying to hide one common fetish of yours from him...and unless you tell him and dont feel guilty about it then its cheating

__________________
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

Janey

Well there's lots of things that i do that I don't tell him. I've never admitted to him that I masturbate. It's not something that I'm comfortable with. it's private. he's a very conservative person. we're both from chinese cultural background, so he never even would admit that he masturbates (although i think i've heard him in the shower - the door is always locked too).

so yes I did marry him. yes we are intimate. But I don't think we are going to be as North American in our relationship as you people are.

Even online, its anonymous. I don't show my face, and i get the liberating freedom to spread out (so to speak). So my keeping him out of the loop doesn't mean i feel guilty about it.

I do other things like shopping, going out for lunch, meeting friends without telling him. This is one more of those things. (i'm rationalizing) But I do not want him knowing that i am so slutty at the same time i need to have this sense of freedom.

KinkyKiwi

hahhaa, relax thats so far from slutty its scary and shopping/going out with friends is usually a nonsexual thing

if you feel comfortable keeping this from him and dont feel guilty about it then no harm no foul right?

personally i could never be happy being with a man who couldnt accept me and didnt want to share deeper intimacy with me

maybe i'm crazy liberal but that just seems like a relationship built on false pretenses

__________________
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

maleficent

Wouldn't it be ironic if Janey's husband was also in the chatroom with her You arent be slutty, you are having some fantasies, which are very healthy.

As for you being as "north american" in your relationships as we are, if you talked to each woman here, you'd get a different answer as to what their relationship boundries are, you might actually be surprised.

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KinkyKiwi

hahaha maleficent that would be straight out of a movie! priceless!

__________________
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

pinkie

I don't think it's cheating... I think a healthy fantasy life is good for you... My husband knows I chat with people, show pics, and exchange dirty dialogue, but he loves it because he reaps all the rewards... Meanwhile, I stay hot and horny just for him. It's a win/win in my opinion. I know what lines not to cross, and I don't.

That being said, anyone up for a cyber-romp?

fallenangel

Sign me up!


Janey, i'm just curious as to what kind of a relationship you guys have in the sense that, if he DID find out, would he be upset? turned on? disgusted? how would he take it if you were to tell him, or if he were to find out on his own?

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all I wanna do is - give the best of me to you

pinkie

Meet you in PMs.

jaded

well, think of this the other way around: if it is your husband who jerks off online with men or women he met on the internet, would you feel comfortable about it? would you consider it cheating or merely his way of spicing things up for himself without you in the know? that would be the most lenient test of whether this constitutes cheating, because even if you could accept him doing that behind your back, he might not be as \"liberal\" as you.

anti fishstick

Sounds like you're having some issues with your roles/boundaries as a "conservative" Chinese woman, and your traditions and values. It is ok to branch out and be a little more "north american". It doesn't necessarily mean you're so slutty. You say yourself that you want more freedom, but is online anonymity really the way to do it or are you just compensating for a lack of intimacy with your husband? I don't know the dynamics in your relationship, or much about Asian relationships in general (though I'm asian, heh) but I do know that the woman tend to be very submissive and/or passive agressive. I don't understand why you would keep from telling your husband when you meet friends, go out and do things, etc. What is to be ashamed of? I myself struggle a bit with passive-aggressiveness but i've found that if you just say what you think a lot more, and share your feelings, things will be better. It's good to be open. Even with little things like "I want to go out to eat" or bigger things like "I want to please myself". I realize that might be a big step, but why would you rather please yourself with anonymous internet people if it's so private? Masturbating is a private act, just like sex, but you share sex... why not share that you masturbate or have thought of it? I know how girls, even in N. America, can be so secretive and shy about masturbation amongst their girl friends. When I finally admitted I did that with my friends (a subject we'd NEVER talk about) it was so liberating. I can only imagine the same thing with a partner.

Anyway, I hope you don't think i'm telling you what to do or pressuring you. You can take it or leave it. This is just my two cents.

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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

pinkie

I don't think that works for two reasons:

Relationships always have two different roles. Usually it's the outgoing person, and the introvert.. The whole opposites attract thing. I know for myself, and my husband, he loves coming home after I've been a naughty girl online, (women usually require more foreplay than men) so he loves to find me wet and ready to do all the things I just discussed with a total stranger. He often reads over my shoulder, and gets turned on, even putting his hands in my panties, and feeling how turned on I am...

Last night we were IMing back and forth as I chat with someone else too.

If my husband did what I do, I'm not sure I'd get as turned on as he does with me doing it. He loves the idea of others lusting after me, but I'm a total exhibitionist, he's not. He's very private a secretive. He doesn't even disclose our sexual lives to his closest friends. If he was like that, I might not have been attracted to him in the first place, I don't think.

I love my private boy.

KinkyKiwi

yuppers i agree with ya pinkie..i love people wanting me..i flirt like crazy..but i'm not so sure i woulda fallen in love with biznatch if he was the same way..

he probably wouldnt have fallen for me if i wasnt crazy out there tho...lol i met him in a skirt that coulda been a belt and a belly shirt he knows who i am and what i like and what i'll do..but he also knows i dont press lines

__________________
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

jaded

i agree with you pinkie men and women play different roles in a relationship and react to stimulations differently. the case in point is different in that 1) flirting is not the same as masturbation and 2) more importantly, your husband is in the know. my whole point was: do not impose on her husband what she wouldn't want her husband do to her. although your husband enjoys your being naughty, her husband might have a totally different reaction. i, too, like flirting a lot, yet my boyfriend didn't like that, so i learn to control myself. after all, masturbating online and going shoeshopping with galpals are in two totally separate categories, IMO.

sexymama

Lebell and I had a long discussion about this thread. It was interesting to hear his perspective and to clarify my own.

Him: It is only sex. There is no emotional connection. It is innocent as long as both parties agree.

Mine: It is more intimate then masturbating to porn as it involves another person who is being actively intimate with you. It is emotional. (That must be the female vs. male perspective?) It is exclussive rather than inclussive (my major reason for saying it is not okay.) It is okay as long as both parties agree.

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It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

Janey

That is why i can do it on the internet, it is anonymous, and therefore i can retain privacy. the fact that i get real live interaction helps. I'm sure hubby can do it to a picture no problem. I refer to cybering as interactive masturbation.

I think guys grow up almost being expected to masturbate. So they can joke, amongst themselves an in public: the media uses it in movies (Fast Times at Ridgefield High, There's Something about Mary) and in countless stand up routines.

It seems tho, that girls have to keep it hidden or private.

And finally it comes down to personality. My PDA is quite low. It's afact of life for me as what my own comfort zone is. I dont mind holding hands in public, but kissing, fondling I find to be a turn off. So, I am a public prude, and a closet perv. It aint gonna change...

Sweetpea

[QUOTE=Janey] I think guys grow up almost being expected to masturbate. So they can joke, amongst themselves an in public: the media uses it in movies (Fast Times at Ridgefield High, There's Something about Mary) and in countless stand up routines. It seems tho, that girls have to keep it hidden or private.

Janey, i think you are right on this one . . . in US society, it seems there is a double standard, society tells men: go out, find out what pleases you and do it often, sex doesn't have to have emotions attatched to it . . .
society tells woman: it's wrong to find out what pleases you, sex needs to have emotional connections for woman . . . So i think that woman have alot to go up against to free themselves and to stand up and say that they can find pleasure just as well as any man!


It's cool to be a prude in public and a closet perv. I know several woman who are just like that . . . You don't need to change who you are and it's obvious that you have accepted yourself and that is totally cool. Life is just about being who you really are . . .
As far as cyber being cheating . . . if you are/would feeling guilty about it, then it's not worth the negative vibes . . . Everyone has different boundries. If you think that it's okay to do . . . then do it! And enjoy it!

Joan of Arc

I like that description: interactive masturbation. I'm married and yes I cybersex also. And afterwards, I feel very content, I must say. Just looking at porn doesn't arouse me but actually verbally talking sexy-- really is exciting.

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uptown

I think the biggest question is how will your husband react if he finds out about this accidently rather than from some frank discussion with you ?

I'd imagine if he's really conservative that such a discovery might totally devastate him.Better to talk with him about it he might not agree with your choice of solo pleasure but at least you'll get a chance to be clear with him about what your boundaries are and that you're not in any way shape or form meeting anybody or physically cheating.If he finds out on his own who knows what he'll think you're up to or how he'll react.I would be afraid of risking that possibilty.

Lead543

Well, my way of judging "right or wrong" for a relationship is, how would I feel if teh boyfriend were doing the same thing? If mad, sad, upset, betrayed or i'd kill him come to mind I know it's not something I should be partaking in. You know your husband better then anyone else in this world does, so only you know if it's okay in your relationship.

Personally speaking, with my boyfriend, I wouldn't do it and I'd be very disappointed if he were doing the same thing. I think I'd feel like I wasn't enough for him if he was going online to get a little excitement.

But like I said, every relationship is different, and you know what's best for yours.

little_tippler

I would say it's not exactly cheating, but if I were your boyfrined I would not be happy. Mainly because it involves someone else and not just looking at porn or whatever. I also think you should loosen up and tell your boyfriend you masturbate, I'm sure he'd love it. I masturbated online (with a webcam) for my current boyfriend and it was very liberating.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

ngdawg

My spouse says it's cheating- I say it's fun. I don't think we'll ever come to terms on this issue and I'm pretty sure he probably has the thought going through his head that, as I am in chat or talking in IM, I may be doing 'it' again. But I have found it to be amusing more than satisfying-the silly text of trying to convey what you're doing and reading what another is doing at the same time can bring me to giggles. It may begin as very hot flirting, but, for me at least, takes a nosedive pretty quickly.
If you are comfortable with what you do, have no guilt over it, then by all means, continue-you both reap rewards. I find it strange though, that, being married you aren't even sure about how or if the spouse masturbates!

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

ShaniFaye

While cybering is not my thing at all...Im more of a "hands on" person, I dont really even masturbate by myself, I agree with some of the others, if anything you do, you feel like you have to hide from your SO then its cheating. Its not what you're doing so much as the fact that you're hiding things from them IMO

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Gilda

There's nothing wrong with having a life separate from your SO. Grace knows that I flirt and exchange sexually explicit messages online, and use them to masturbate when she isn't around. She doesn't mind because it very often puts me in the mood and she ends up benefitting from it. Sometimes I'll print them out, show them to her, and it puts her in the mood and we both benefit from it.

Another interesting observation; we definitely fit the introvert/extrovert type of relationship. I'm the introvert (in real life) who finds an outlet online sometimes, while she--in this case it's the Asian girl who's the outgoing one--has a large circle of real life friends. I don't go out to clubs, or for that matter, pretty much anywhere unless I'm with her.

I'd say it's cheating only if you feel you have to hide it AND it takes away from your primary relationship.