silvertiger

Hi all, I have no avatar yet.. but wanted to post.

I just read a post about being sexually assertive (from the femal perspective) and thought I would give my situation and see what thoughts would come of it.

My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years now and, as expected, our sex life has slowed down a bit from being newlyweds. About 2 years after we got married she came to me and asked what the problem was. She thought she was unattractive to me, and was having serious confidence issues. I explained to her that this was not the case , and she explained that I wasn't seeing her advances (or she thought .. ignoring them).

This conversation has played itself out every so often, with other iterations i.e. her confidence was no longer the issue, not it was her libido being greater than mine. i would not agree that her libido is more active.. but that we pari less than we should.

Well, last night we had another one of these discussions. Being open and honest always helps and i was able to figure out with her help that I am "too courteous" of a lover, most of my actions are actually a need for her consent and approval. for the last year I have made a proactive approach to sex, but From my perspective I have been shunned, turned away, or ignored.

Now I know how she felt. Through our discussion she let me know that she'd like to be more spontaneous, and that i shoudl be more aggressive and not worry about consent.

My feelings are in bred and I am just a passive person. I am constantly looking for feedback (positive feedback) so much that i'd rather please her than worry about myself. Not sure if that is strange or what.. but ok. Talking to her is a great start and understanding where we need to work is awesome, but I'd like other people's perspectives.

The point of this post is that I am looking for suggestions on changing my behavior and sexual attitudes to be more "aggressive/assertive" so that we can develop our sexual relationship further.

any advise would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Silver Tiger

Martian

As posted in your other thread :


That said, well.. I can't give a lot of advice, really. Talking is a good start, but you need to consider what you can and can't do. Sex shouldn't be forced, nor should it be a chore. A few questions :

Do you have kids? They'll but a big cramp on the when and where.. you won't be able to get down and dirty on the couch (or in the kitchen, or in the shower, or anywhere else other than the bedroom) when the mood takes you if you have to worry about the young 'uns wandering in. But it doesn't need to kill your sex life either. Put a lock on the bedroom door, send them out to an aunt or grandparent or someone for a sleepover. Kids mean you have to plan a bit more which kills some of the spontanaeity, but you can work around it.

How creative are you two? Would she (and you) be willing to try new things, such as toys, bondage, anal, ice cubes.. whatever other crazy idea pops into your head? What about new positions? There are plenty of books on the subject if you two think you may want to experiment a bit and that's a sure way to revitalize your sex life.

Have you been into a sex shop? Make a joke out of it if you haven't. Take an afternoon to tour the shops around your town and check out the toys (some of which are bit absurd). Laugh about the whole thing. It'll get you both thinking in the right direction and you may even see something you like..

In terms of being assertive, you simply have to be confident and trust her. If she's really not in the mood she'll let you know. It's my experience that a lot of women (I'd even go as far as to say most women, although that's only my perspective) seem to prefer the guy to take a leading role, so it may be that she just expects you to take the lead. If you really think she needs to be more aggressive about it too than tell her that. It's a mutual thing, after all. Sex with one person is much less fun.

And finally, a few more specific ideas. Things to try might be surprising her in the shower (or simply taking one together), taking erotic photos of each other, surprising her with candlelight and some massage oil or cooking her a romantic dinner. Check out some aphrodisiacs (such as asparagus, oysters.. umm.. I'm sure someone can give a good list, but I can't think of any right now) and point out to her the different ones you prepared and detail their sexual properties. Once again even if it has no other effect it'll get you both thinking in the right direction. And then there's roleplaying. How about this one :

Pick a bar or club that the two of you have never been to. She can go in a half an hour or so before you, start flirting and having a good time, then you come in and 'pick her up'. If you want the complete experience you can even rent a motel room and spend the night there; the new scenery might help keep it interesting.

All of this is sort of general advice. It may also simply be time to look at some sex therapy. Going to a counsellor is scary and intimidating, but they can help you deal with any issues you may have and breathe new life into your relationship.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

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silvertiger

cool.. these are things that I have thought myself. We have visited toy stores, do have kids (4), are not very social (clubs etc) but could probably be, do experiment (take showers together often, etc) and actually have a really good relationship.

I think that its not a matter of being sexual, or not having the desire, it's a matter of her wanting to be treated as a female, as i am usually too "kind" or "polite" to put it in her words. I'm not looking for ways to "force" it upon her, ,but to give her the feeling that she is being loved/dominated/ or having the ability to let go and go with it and not feel like she has to initiate everything etc..

My search for approval and consent often makes me hesitate, which i feel she see's as looking for directino from her. The doesn't want to give me direction.. she wants to be taken away and just plain taken ... if that makes sense..

I suppose if I think about it a while i can come up with ways to so this.. just looking for pthers ideas.

thanks,
Silver Tiger

ratbastid

You guys need a safeword.

Imagine if there was a word she could say to let you know she doesn't want it. And by not saying that word (you would agree in advance) she communicates her consent.

Well, you could pretty much step up, at that point, couldn't you? You wouldn't have to check in with her over and over again if she was okay, and you wouldn't have to be polite and kind. You could actually treat her like an adult, somebody who you could trust to say for herself if she was okay or not.

I'll tell you, some of the hottest sex lurkette and I have ever had as been times I've dominated her and held her down and taken her however I want her. Good times.

bubonico

It seems to me that you know what needs to be done. It may be against your personality to be aggressive in bed or take control, but I imagine you'll enjoy it once you can get yourself to do it. As far as getting yourself to be more assertive I don't really have any advice to offer. I'll bet it's something that will become easier with time though. If you still find yourself constantly seeking aproval maybe you can talk to her about offering consent along the way so you don't feel as though you are using her or being brutish or whatever.

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ErcDaMerc

I agree with ratbastid - we've never used a safeword but my gf gets really turned on if i hold her down. she also likes to fight back a little and once seh even yelled stop - when i did she said no, i didnt mean stop...
the way she puts it is that she generally has to be in control of everything so in bed she likes to be powerless. and like you, silvertiger, i'm naturally very gentle - the first time i felt her up she had to keep telling me, "harder" -

ratbastid

Textbook case of a couple that needs a safeword. Look, it's important that she have someting to say that actually means "stop". But it's pretty damn hot to free up "stop" and "no" to mean something other than what they usually mean. It's also hot for her to surrender all control to you while actually keeping the control of the safeword in her back pocket.

They often have a hard time admitting it, but every single woman I know well enough to discuss these things with has a rape fantasy going on at some level. lurkette certainly does. It's not politically correct, but it's true.

Having her try to wrestle away from me while I hold her down and fuck her is great fun. I mean, I've got more than 100 lbs on her and my reach is half again hers; she's not going to get away if I don't want her to. But it's sexy to feel like she's trying to. And a workout! We're both often muscle-sore afterward and the next day.

waltert

I was told that I wasnt agressive enough, and Im fairly certain that I've remedied that.

I think you know what you need to do, but its more a matter of just doing it thats the hard part.

here are some things that I would reccomend, but I am certainly no expert on these matters.

say you're with her (and wanting some), make the proper motion to give her a kiss, but fairly quickly make the kiss more passionate, and perhaps press her against a wall or something (not abusively or anything). if no wall is present, grab her backside and pull it against you.

basically, my tactic is to take seemingly innocent first steps and to make them more than that.

another very simple thing may be just talking dirty a little to her, telling her what you want(whisper in ear, etc)

or move her into the positions you want during sex, etc

try and be as smooth as possible about these things, as they're more effective that way.

I apologize if this isnt the advice you were looking for, but its what i've got. and remember to maintain sexiness when being agressive, otherwise she might get creeped out.

raeanna74

You really sound like you two are on the right track. The suggestions about a safe word are right on target here. I think setting that up can give you both peace of mind and let you move on past "checking up" on how things are going. Becoming more adventurous takes work but once you get the ball rolling it is so much fun that it doesn't seem like work. Be sure you keep up this good open communication you've got going. It's the most important part.

One thing that hubby and I have done a lot of is verbalize a fantasy while we are having sex. Just creating our own little mental porn video. It doesn't matter to us if we include other "characters" or people we even know. It might not work for you guys but we found it a lot of fun. Give details about what you're going to do, sit down and snuggle and then tell your wife what you want to do to her. You will learn quickly what kind of things she likes when you discover her getting turned on by you telling her that you are going to do certain things with her.

Also you can sit down with her and make sure she doesn't mind talking dirty. Make sure there are no words that are off limits. For example: some girls just don't like being called a slut. But your wife might enjoy being called a naughty girl. Just get a lot of talk in and things out of the way. I think then you won't be so afraid to step out of your comfort zone and discover so much more. Good Luck.

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Seeker

I'll step up and admit to this. My SO has been very gentle and considerate for years, it's only recently he's been more assertive and I'm liking it!

Another aspect that comes with this is seeing how much he wants you and then he takes you like there is no tomorrow That alone has done wonders for my self-esteem and drive.

Lightening up has also helped broaden our scope in the bedroom... tickle fights, bad jokes, anything that minimises the taboo mindset. We play around and laugh sometimes so hard our sides hurt! Interestingly enough, laughing and coughing can do amazing things for sensations . I've found this to be really helpful to our mindset. It has helped us to stop focusing too much on performance and just start enjoying each other in a relaxed way. Go crazy... life is too short to be totally serious about anything!

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ruggerp11

She wants to be taken, so take her. By this I mean that you should just be rougher in your actions. You may not be at the level where you need a safe word or that she will try and wiggle away, but take her. When she comes home close the door behind her and without a word press her into the door and kiss her like you haven't had sex in a year and you need it so badly that you can't help your self. I dont' know about everywoman having a rape fantasy but I believe that everyone likes to be wanted. Make her feel wanted byt taking her, really taking her. . .

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silvertiger

I appreciate all of your suggestions .. I hvaent been on the forums for a few days .. and actually have used a few techniques (just plain not being passive) that have seemed to improve things so far ... in the long term I hope to gain confidence and keep going in the right direction..

strangely enough we've seldom done anything apart from traditional sex (ie. fantasy, etc) but this weekend we stepped back a bit and allowed each other to see the personal side of each other sexually. We've taken time out to watch each other while masturbating .. so we can see how we each perform solo. For her it was a big turn on and she couldn't help but jump in to help (which was GREAT). I was able to also jump in and tweak her nipples while she was masturbating and she had her largest "personal" orgasm ever.

I think these are good steps as trust lies at the base of my issues and working through our individual trust issues together has helped.

I will let you know how things go and feel free to post comments/questions if ya want.

thanks.

Silver Tiger

Martian

You've never watched each other masturbate?

The key to sex is communication. I thought from your initial post that you had that covered, but now I'm thinking you may only now be reaching the level you really want to be at.

Consider what you've done together. Consider the taboos you've broken with each other. You've done the most intimate possible things with each other, saying things that you've been taught are 'wrong' isn't that big a deal. Really, the word and the sentiment no longer applies anymore.

My girlfriend knows that I like to watch her touch herself. She also knows that I think she gives great head. I know that she likes it when I rub her clit while we're having sex. We know these things because, in one way or another, we've told each other. Some of it's been by 'talking dirty' to each other during sex and being very frank about what we want (the way we usually manage this is by switching off; sometimes I make her spell things out for me, sometimes she does the same) and some of it's just been from open and straightforward discussion (I've found the best time for that is post-coitus; your minds are already leaning that way and it's easy to whisper things to her while you're holding her after sex).

If I'm misreading again and you've had these discussions then you need to implement it. If she wants you to take charge, then do so. Don't think of it as forcing yourself on her, rather think of it as driving her wild by allowing her to totally let go. MY girl and I haven't progressed to the level where I'm forcefully taking her and probably never will, but all the same when I'm taking charge she knows it. If she were to say stop I would, but I'm a lot more aggresive. I tell her that I want her to suck my dick or that I want to fuck her hard, or I just do it. On the other side, when it's her turn to take charge I know I can just lay back and enjoy the ride and that she'll let me know exactly what she wants and when she wants it.

EDIT - In more direct relation to my initial reaction, that's a very good idea and helps a lot. If she masturbates in front of you than it gives you an idea of the things that really get her rockets firing; that waywhen you're together you can automatically do the things that you know she likes without asking and take control that way. You won't have to worry as much about if it's pleasing her because you'll know she enjoys it and that can make things go more smoothly and allow you to take charge.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame