Just another: My GF dumped me thread

[JamesB]

So I feel like shit.

My g/f of 9 years dumped me Mar. 01 '05 and I feel like I am entirely worthless. We lived together. We intended to start a family together.

She (and I) live in Ottawa and had been playin WoW (world of warcraft) and she met a guy through the game. They started exchanging emails and she eventually dumped me. During this time, she told me she was unhappy with the relationship and so I desperately tried to make it work - to no avail.

I come to find out when she broke up with me that the guy is 39, has two kids and is divorced, living in Cleveland. She is 24 (I am 25). So this net-perv sets up a local Ottawa phone number so that my g/f (now ex) could call him without paying for it. This is during the phase that I am desperately trying to make things right (and she said she would try too [bull shit]). Last weekend my ex and a friend drove down to NY city to go on a road trip and to meet this creep. Last thursday (Mar. 17) she drove down to Cleveland to spend the weekend with the guy - staying at his place for the weekend.

For the past two weeks she has made NO effort to check up on me (through mutual friends or otherwise) - even though she said she wanted to remain very close friends.

Man it hurts.

Well ... that's the end of my emotional dunping session.

If you guys have anything to say, etc .. go ahead - I can use a bit of anonymous support right about now.

[fatbob]

aw man that is crap.
but look at it this way at least you are not a 39 year old divorcee with two kids reduced to picking up girls over the internet! you are young, get out there and find yourself someone else, or spend sometime on your own. in the long run it is better that this has happened now than when you are 39! have fun!

[JamesB]

Fatbob, you are so totally right!

I _am_ glad that I'm not "the other guy". I'm also glad that it happened before anything major in our lives.

I'm just so bummed out that the woman I loved turned out to be so different than I had expected. It kills me.

Thx again for your reply - it means a lot to me.

[Bunnybear]

This happened to me a few years ago with my SO. He got a new job and 8 months later met someone and left me for her. I was in so much pain, I know exactly how you feel. They broke up 5 months later, and we got back together(I waited for him, but I thought then we would never see eachother again) and we've been together since, he regrets what he has done to me, I can't bring it up because it'll actually make him cry and that's one thing I don't ever want to see again.
Unfortunately, I haven't gotten over it all after all these years.. I mean, I sleep in the bed they had sex in. :\

I hope everything works out for you. He's divorced for a reason, soon she will see why and she'll come crawling back. Either to your open arms, or by then, to no one. The choice is up to you whether you wait or not.

Man... I can't understand how someone can end a relationship after so many years put into it. I really hope everything works out for you. I know this is crappy but time does heal all wounds..... eventually.

[Master_Shake]

At least you never had kids or got married before you broke up. Think of the child support and alimony payments you've avoided.

[lindseylatch]

I think WoW is cursed...Man, I am never playing that again.
Your ex sounds like a horrible person. If she thought the relationship was over, then she should have said so, instead of making you bend over backwards to try to make it work while she flirts online. I guess she was trying to not hurt your feelings, but I imagine this feels worse than if she would have just said she wasn't happy anymore and left. I'm just guessing there, though.
But, you guys met when you were pretty young. You both probably changes without even realizing it, and that's what ultimately ended the relationship.

[Wax_off]

Dude, I wish you the best of luck. We all know how it feels to have your heart broken. Remember though that when one door closes another one opens. Trite I know, but frequently true. It sounds like you did the right thing and no doubt you will meet someone who will appreciate that.

For now, even though it sounds like you're fairly calm, avoid doing anything unreasonable. When you're hurt like this you can go into a total tailspin, your brain can start pulling all kinds of weird stunts, make you think about doing things that aren't you. Don't do them. Eventually you'll get better and you don't want to have done anything that you're not proud of. Doesn't feel like it now, but it happens. Oh, and don't drink too much. It'll make you more prone to doing crazy shit.

In the meantime, cut off all contact with your ex ASAP. Get her stuff out of your place, put all the pictures of her away, don't answer her phone calls or e-mails, remove as many reminders of her as you can. These things can only prolong your pain. Personally, I don't recommend destroying things. Years from now you may actually want to remember these times. And if you don't, then destroy them then, not now in the heat of passion.

fatbob is totally right and you should hold onto that. What has happened is probably a good thing, you can move on and find someone who is actually worthy of you.

Good luck...

[dirtyrascal7]

Originally Posted by JamesB

So I feel like shit. . . .

. . . If you guys have anything to say, etc .. go ahead - I can use a bit of anonymous support right about now.

from what i can tell, it sounds like she was thinking about leaving well before meeting this other guy and decided there was no chance of saving the relationship well before breaking up with you. it sucks that she didn't have the balls to admit either of these and let you go on wasting your time and effort trying to win her back.

frankly, i think she's using this guy as an easy escape route... focusing on him makes it easier for her to feel better about dumping you and all that you've shared. i doubt it will work out between them... it's highly unlikely that they want the same things in life at this point, so even if there is some type of attraction/connection, it won't be enough to hold them together very long.

if i were you, i'd try to get over this girl and move on as quickly as possible. it will be tough and it will take time, but it's not an impossible task. the sooner you realize that you can make it without her, the better off you'll be. that way, if she does come crawling back, you you won't be as emotionally suffocated and can make a better choice. you need to realize that if you do get back together, like bunnybear's situation, things will never be the same between the two of you despite how much you'd like things to be like they were before all this happened.

one more thing... don't blame yourself for this or think that anything is wrong with you. sometimes people grow apart, even after being together for such a long time. it's nothing to feel bad about... especially since you were able to get out before, like you said, something big happened.

good luck and keep us updated!

[little_tippler]

your girl swapped you over a 39 year old guy with 2 kids? man that is dumb. You're better off without her, and hey, you're still young. Trying to lighten things up...9 years. That truly sucks, you must feel awful. Here's a to make it better.

[degrawj]

okay, i realize that i'm just some anonymous person who you don't know, but i just want to offer my deepest condolonces. i understand the hurt you are going through. sadly, the only thing i can say is that time is really the only thing that will heal.

[JamesB]

Thanks guys!

I love this place because of all the highly inteligent, supportive people. I've been a long-time TFPer and suffered many "upgrades" where I had to chance nicks .. so I knew you were an awesome crowd.

Thanks for all of your AWESOME comments! I'm incredibly greatful that you all took the time to post for me =).

Man it hurts right now - but I know I'll make it through.

I feel like I want to address everything people have said but I am sure that you all realize how right you are . It is nice to feel so comforted by the things you guys have mentioned - I am always in awe of others' wisdom.

Thanks again my anonymous friends =)

Any other comments are more than welcome.

Will continue to keep you guys posted as I learn stuff ...

[KinkyKiwi]

awwww i'm really sorry...sounds like she made a really really dumb choice *hugs* if you need to talk to someone feel free to PM me *hugs*

feel better

[Sweetpea]

honestly,

you're better than her and obviously allot kinder.

It may be difficult right now, but you're better off without someone like that in your life . . .

Get out there again, a obviously sweet person such as yourself will have no problem finding a wonderful gal who deserves you.



Sweetpea

( p.s. Should this thread be moved into 'general discussion'??? )

[TroutKind]

Sometimes when you really think you know someone shit like this happens. It is so confusing and horribly painful. A similar situation happened to myself about 2 years ago. I found myself realizing I had better friends than I thought and they were the ones that really helped me through. Just having the companship of your bros can make things a lot easier more quickly. From what I have learned over the past 2 years is that actually I am happier in my ways now. Keep strong and stay busy!

[StormBerlin]

I'm so sorry. Unfortunately I know how your girlfriend feels, and if it's any consolation it's really hard to leave someone you've been with for so long. Just don't be mad at him, she was the one with the commitment to you, not him. Good luck.

[OFKU0]

Hmmm,..Ottawa eh. Check out Grace O' Malley's on Merivale on Friday or Saturday nights. Lots of nice looking trim to take your mind off of your woes.

And if that doesn't work, find your ex's sister or best friend and fuck her. Then tell the ex what you did. It won't solve your problems but it'll get you back in the saddle again. Or just think of your ex fucking some guy she doesn't know and think of how she wiped her ass with your feelings in such a disposible sense.

Now get out there and get busy. She ain't crying crocodile tears over you so why should you over her. Fuck her. She blew it. Now go do what you want and have fun.

And if this advice is to harsh, just think that you are a lucky man. She did you a favour by leaving and take full advantage of the situation. And when she comes back because the other guy,..beat her up, treats her like shit, she hates the kids, the kids hate her etc,...show her the door. She will end up with the regrets not you.

[Sage]

Women are funny creatures... men are too for that matter. I agree with what has been said about her- it does seem like she was ready for it to end so she took the chance with a 39 YO. I mean, a little harmless flirting is one thing, but serious flirting behind your back and then going to jump this guy's bones so soon after breaking uo? sounds like she was in your relationship for the companionship there at the end.

So yeah, this sucks. I'll be Job's friend here and sit with you in the ashes on this one- it sucks. Sucks like seven bitches in a bitch boat. But you know what? Every day you get out there and play raquetball/go to a club/go read a new book/go meet new people/go take a roadtrip/go explore life will make up for all the nights you lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell happened. Find a good buddy to talk to- for me, when I went through my major breakup, it was my mom. She was there for me 24-7, I'd call her at 2am crying and she'd talk for an hour, always making me feel better, always helping me when I needed it. And us TFP'ers are here for you too! EVERYONE has been through this some time or another... or at least can relate!

Get up off the couch, go work out- get all buff like you always wanted to! Go learn how to play rugby, and meet the goalie's hot sister/cousin/best friend's sister. Go learn ballet and get to stare at all the chcks in leotards and have them all fawing over what a sensitive, appreciative man you are. Most of all, SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING JUST WHO YOU ARE!! you've been with this girl a LOOONG time, from what, age 15 or so till now? You've missed a lot of prime hell-raising years, go make them up! Be 20 again! Enjoy yourself, and really sort out who you are, and what you want. When it's not too painful, and it might take a while, sort out your feelings for this girl. Did you REALLY want to get married? When I was able to take a step back from the old relationship I was in, I realized it was shite to begin with and then it got worse. That made me feel a LOT better.

Also, don't be bitter, it will poison you worse than her. Get over it, move on, let her do her thing, whatever it is. You're gonna move on, and find that you're a lot stronger than you ever thought you were! good luck!

[MH73]

She's leaving you for someone she only knows through a video game? I guess her fantasy world stretches well beyond the 17" monitor...

Classic case of sweet talker wooing a woman in game... She'll probably see that he's got a wife he "forgot" to mention, personal hygene problems and breath that'll kill an ox, and try to come back to you in a few months...

One thing I know... unless you REALLY know who your talking to online... assume they're full of $@#%...

Sorry to hear she stomped on you, but I am a true believer in, things happen for the best... There's someone out there that really is right for you...

[JamesB]

I think that what really kills me is that she treated me like a king. She would have done ANYTHING I asked (and I would have done the same for her). She was my only real source of emotional support .. she comforted me whenever I was stressed out, she worked tirelessly to make sure that I was happy.

Now, she's forgotten me. It seems as though she has been trying to erase me for her life. Don't get me wrong, I understand why - she wants to selfishly chase after her new infatuation. What really hurts is that all I asked of her was for her to give me some support as a friend. She refuses to help me in any way.

Now I am left wondering how someone could have been so go to me and now has taken a turn towards the opposite. I am afraid that I will never find someone who made me feel so good. I am afraid.

I'm trying to keep myself busy. Unfortunatlely my 'friends' are too consumed by their lazyness to go out to the bars (or anything really) with me which makes this even more tough.

I'm trying so hard .. but I still feel like I am drowning emotionally.

[cj22009]

Hey man I can feel for ya, I was married for six years togeather for eight had two wonderful kids. The same thing happened to me she met some one online and it was over I tried to win her back but it didn't work out but trust me in time it will get better and you will find someone new just be paitent and remember we are all here for ya

[cala555]

Hey bud, I feel for you too. I just went through these things about a year ago. Worse yet we were married and just two days before our two year anniversary she asked for a divorce. Come to find out quickly that she had been cheating on me. My friends helped me a lot through this. Try to get them off of their lazy butts and go out. Another thing I did which was just awesome was take a road trip. It really allows you to think and feel how much freedom you have...

Just keep your head up, things will get better! It will just take time which does become your friend...

[abaya]

JamesB, I dunno what to tell you other than I know it sucks, and will suck for a long time. I've definitely been there, and I was down for a very long time. But eventually you will find a way out of the fog and start to feel again. I don't know if I'd suggest keeping yourself busy... sometimes it helps, sometimes it just delays the grieving process. But definitely let yourself feel whatever you can, let it run through you and drown you at times, don't try to stop it... over time the waves will lessen (and I'm talking months or longer here, not weeks or days; don't force yourself to move on before it's time), but till then it's just gonna hurt like a bitch. Keep talking to your friends, even on TFP, and express that process out loud as much as you can.

[2sheds]

that sucks dude. coming out of a long relationship and abruptly finding yourself all alone can be pretty shocking. you suddenly find yourself having to be totally self-sufficient after years of having someone to rely upon. spend time with friends and other folk that care about you.

hang in there, it will get better with time.

[settie]

Originally Posted by Sage

Women are funny creatures... men are too for that matter. I agree with what has been said about her- it does seem like she was ready for it to end so she took the chance with a 39 YO. I mean, a little harmless flirting is one thing, but serious flirting behind your back and then going to jump this guy's bones so soon after breaking uo? sounds like she was in your relationship for the companionship there at the end.

So yeah, this sucks. I'll be Job's friend here and sit with you in the ashes on this one- it sucks. Sucks like seven bitches in a bitch boat. But you know what? Every day you get out there and play raquetball/go to a club/go read a new book/go meet new people/go take a roadtrip/go explore life will make up for all the nights you lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell happened. Find a good buddy to talk to- for me, when I went through my major breakup, it was my mom. She was there for me 24-7, I'd call her at 2am crying and she'd talk for an hour, always making me feel better, always helping me when I needed it. And us TFP'ers are here for you too! EVERYONE has been through this some time or another... or at least can relate!

Get up off the couch, go work out- get all buff like you always wanted to! Go learn how to play rugby, and meet the goalie's hot sister/cousin/best friend's sister. Go learn ballet and get to stare at all the chcks in leotards and have them all fawing over what a sensitive, appreciative man you are. Most of all, SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING JUST WHO YOU ARE!! you've been with this girl a LOOONG time, from what, age 15 or so till now? You've missed a lot of prime hell-raising years, go make them up! Be 20 again! Enjoy yourself, and really sort out who you are, and what you want. When it's not too painful, and it might take a while, sort out your feelings for this girl. Did you REALLY want to get married? When I was able to take a step back from the old relationship I was in, I realized it was shite to begin with and then it got worse. That made me feel a LOT better.

Also, don't be bitter, it will poison you worse than her. Get over it, move on, let her do her thing, whatever it is. You're gonna move on, and find that you're a lot stronger than you ever thought you were! good luck!

I second that Sage, great advice.
James B: I might not completely understand what you are going through, but I have sort of been in the same situation. A month ago I found out that the man I cared for more than anything in the world had found someone, it was a complete shock, and pretty painful to hear. I'm still at the getting over it phase, but each day I find myself getting stronger because of it.
It will take awhile to let this wound heal, but in the end, it will make you much stronger of a person, and you will look back someday and be grateful for those 9 years you had.
If your friends are too lazy to hang out with you and keep you busy, keep your mind off of it, maybe you should go out and meet new people. I know that I am most vulnerable to my emotions when I'm at home, alone, with nothing really to do. But when I'm out, I feel awesome and happy.
Keep us all up to date with how you are doing, and take care.

[Cimarron29414]

JamesB,

I am sorry to hear that this happened. Keep in mind, you have spent your entire adult life with only one person. The feelings you are having are also discomfort because old habits are forcefully being broken. Also, keep in mind that she has spent HER entire adult life with the same person - so, if you think she isn't uncomfortable and thinking about you - think again! However, she CAN'T be a friend to you right now. Just like you can't be a friend to her. All that would do is stir up the old comforts. The only way for her to see her new thing through is to detach from you entirely.

I know that isn't what you want, but it is what you need to hear. If she spoke with you regularly right now, it would be nothing but torture for you. You would NOT be better off. You need to define yourself as a single adult. The last time you were single, you were a child. Start by turning off the TV and the Computer and take up a hobbie outside the house. Dance lessons, a new organization, VOLUNTEERING, something that gives you a new feeling of self-importance and new energy. Good luck man, just don't turn to her for help because it won't help.

[JamesB]

I am getting so much great advice from you guys its almost overwhealming. I understand all of the points you guys have made. Everything being said has crossed my mind and as much as I want to follow the advice, it is extremely difficult at this point. I am trying to move on - I am trying to think of my ex. less so that I can move past what we had.

I so desperately want what I have lost but I understand that it will never be the same. I am starting to come to terms with the notion that I will in all likelihood never be in a relationship with her again. It just hurts so much.

Two months ago she told me that she was having her doubts about our relationship so I busted my ass (hard!) to show her how much I love her. I literally worked my self sick trying. We had planned a vacation to the Carribean before she voiced her doubts and we decided to go - perhaps the time away would let things settle. I had a great time on the trip - she seemed to be alive again. We arrived back in Ottawa ar 4:30am and she wanted to drive directly home after being up for 18+ hours (even though she normally slept at my place). The VERY NEXT day she dumped me.

We had agreed that if the vacation didn't help us mend the relationship that we would go see a relationship counselor. Well, I never even had a fucking chance as it turns out.

Guys, how can I go on without forever being synical? (sp?) I want to allow myself to enjoy life to its fullest but I NEVER want _THIS_ again. I dont want to hound my next love interest with my broken past. I dont want to constantly "test the water" to see how our relationship is going - but I am TERRIFIED of being dropped OUT OF NOWHERE again.

At this point, if that were to happen again .. I don't think I could handle it. I am so strong in other areas but when my emotional safety is annihilated like it was - I litterally feel like I am being dissolved from the inside-out.

I'd once again like to thank EVERYONE who has (and may still) offer their advice and more importantly their support. You guys are truly awesome. I can't think of a better crowd that you guys - supporting someone so genuinely without having ever met me. I am given great strength and hope in all of your support.

[2sheds]

Originally Posted by JamesB

Guys, how can I go on without forever being synical? (sp?) I want to allow myself to enjoy life to its fullest but I NEVER want _THIS_ again. I dont want to hound my next love interest with my broken past. I dont want to constantly "test the water" to see how our relationship is going - but I am TERRIFIED of being dropped OUT OF NOWHERE again.

At this point, if that were to happen again .. I don't think I could handle it. I am so strong in other areas but when my emotional safety is annihilated like it was - I litterally feel like I am being dissolved from the inside-out.

i know it's easier said than done, but you need to give yourself some time to mourn the loss of the relationship. you're going to feel like crap for a while. it's probably going to come in waves - you'll start to feel better than something will happen that reminds you of her or your life together and back down you'll go.

the good news is that as time goes by the period between the "waves" gets longer and the drop gets shorter. i've heard some trite rule-of-thumb that it takes one month of recovery time for every year you spent in the relationship to get "over" the break up. and i must admit that it's been pretty accurate in my case at least. my wife and i split up last april (under similarly unpleasant circumstances to your situation) after 13+ years of marriage. and it was around the start of 2005 that i started to realize that there are other women out there, that they're all different from my ex and each other, and that that's a pretty cool thing.

[skysooner]

I was living with this girl that I was crazy about in college. She was my first very intense sexual relationship. I went home for the summer, and she started sleeping with a guy that was in my circle of friends but not what I would call a close friend. She broke up with me immediately thereafter never telling me about the other guy. I found out later, and it just devastated me. I transferred schools and finished 2 degrees at the other school. That relationship only lasted about a year, but it took me 2 or 3 before I was in shape to date seriously again. Part of this was I was just young and didn't have that much self-confidence in myself.

The main thing is to know it is going to hurt. The best thing is just to let go entirely. Don't talk to her, don't ask about her. It is very difficult, and you will likely slip up at some time. Just focus on yourself and your needs for awhile. Dating someone else probably isn't going to be any good at this time unless you just go into it expecting it to be a brief thing. You might get lucky, but until you have gotten over a bunch of the pain, it is going to be awfully hard to sustain a long-term relationship without being cynical as you mentioned.

Good luck to you. Many of us have been where you have been in the past. I grew because of it and have been successfully married for almost 14 years now.

[arrogant]

in my opinion, go out and conquer the world. Try doing plenty of physical training / workouts and second, get some outgoing, confidence inspiring friends with a good influence that will keep you busy. Unfortunately, the second part is much harder than the first.

Good luck, and don't worry, there are many more women that are better than her and wouldn't do that to you. (sorry if i repeated what anyone else said)

[aberkok]

I know it's the oldest saying in the book, but in order to really love someone, you have to love yourself. If I lost my S.O. tomorrow, I'd be hurt greatly, but I have my music. You need to have an identity without her. I find the most successful relationships are where each member of the pair has a completely independent life.

What are the essential parts of JamesB? Is it your job? Is it a hobby or an art that you might pursue? What identifies you as uniquely you? It has to be something outside of your ex or you won't be able to move on.