powerclown

Disagree. Sexual compatibility is one of the most important things in a happy, healthy marriage. One can be cute and relate 'putting out' sex to marriage vows, but don't underestimate the importance. Sexual frustration is a very dangerous, destructive type of energy to carry around.

LaughinMon

nice title in your post. reads as: heading towards marriage collapse that about half of the marriages in this country went through. in my opinion, you gotta step up and do something about it. cut off the affair and handle the issues with the wife. try your best to fix them. and remember there is more to just sex in marriage and family. if things dont work out then handle it the right way before you start thinking with your dick

Cataclysm

There was a ton of very good posts in this thread. The first thing you should of done was discuss the issues you were having with her instead of seeking relief from another woman. Redgirl had a good point about the open marriage.. but that would of required talking about everything first before deciding to open the marriage for yourself without informing your wife.

Talk to your wife, tell her what has transpired with the coworker. I think from there you'll find out what's gonna happen.. either she'll wanna work it out, or she'll want a divorce.. either way, you have to remember to do what's best for both of you and don't forget to let any children you have know that it isn't their fault.. they ARE NOT to blame. If she decides she wants to work things out but the sexual desire isn't there.. maybe bring up the open marriage thing, you can be the judge on whether it's something that should be discussed but PLEASE discuss things with her.

For someone to be sitting there, clueless to what's going on (having an idea but not totally sure is included as clueless to me), that's the most horrible feeling. The pain from finding out will hurt but atleast the wondering of whether your 6th sense is correct or not can eat a hole away in your soul/heart.

StickODynomite

That's very true, however-- it is no excuse to cheat. Communication is essential in a relationship.

I can see how her lack of interest/sex drive put him in the crossroads of deciding to cheat or staying loyal/talking about it. Its so easy to talk about your feelings, IMO. I guess its not so simple for others.

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powerclown

I'm not so sure its no excuse. Its a pretty damn logical excuse if you ask me. Unwanted celibacy within the confines of a marriage is a cruel arrangement bordering on abusive neglect. I agree completely on the importance of communication at all points in a relationship.

Shizukana

While I agree that sexual relations are a major part of any healthy relationship, not getting any doesn't give you the excuse to cheat or have an affair, PERIOD. Doing so is a violation of the vows you gave to each other before God (or whatever diety you worship... or before the world, I suppose, if you're athiest.)

Abusive neglect? You've got to be kidding me. That's an excuse to do things behind your wife's back, like fucking another woman? And people wonder why the world is going down the tubes... The answer's pretty obvious to me. It's a complete lack of moral obligations by some parties. You don't go behind your partner's back and do things... you talk about the things and resolve to fix them however possible. You don't blame the other party for "abusive neglect" just because you're not getting a nut every now and then... and you don't use it as an excuse if you get caught.

Instead of spending time with another woman, why don't you try spending time with the one you committed your life to, and try to find out what is going on that makes her not want to have sex? If it's fixable, which it will be in 99% of situations, then you help fix it however you can. If not, you can then start looking into separation/divorce or an open marriage. Cheating, however, is the lazy and easy way out, and is not the thing a real man would do to a woman to which he's committed himself.

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Lockjaw

It's not logical. It's an excuse nothing more. LOGICALLY speaking he should have brought up the issue. LOGICALLY they should have seeked outside mediation. LOGICALLY if none of the above worked they should have divorced.
Screwing around on your partner is not logical.
Now as far as unwanted celibacy bordering on neglect...again I bring up the hypothetical of what if his wife started stepping out on him because she felt he was "emotionally distant" and unable or unwilling to fulfill her needs as a woman? I have a feeling if he came in here posted that as a reason and said his wife was cheating on him you likely wouldn't be so ready to accept that as being logical enough to warrant her nefarious behavior.

CityOfAngels

I think we scared danbiles away.
Anyways, I think we can all agree on one thing: Communication is your goal, and one of the most important things to implement into your marriage.
That means even if you're going to cheat, make sure she knows about it. That way SHE can make the choice to be with a cheater or not, NOT you. If you're tempted to cheat, make sure she knows about it. Maybe she'll take it as a wake-up call and it might open up the lines of communication between you two even more, letting her tell you WHY she hasn't desired sex in a year.

Whatever you do: Do NOT lie to her. Do NOT keep secrets from her. If you want to get nookie on the side, you might as well divorce her and become single again. Quit playing her for a fool.

And to those who say it's HER fault that he's cheating: * <-- Pretend that star is me flipping you off. I'm serious; how can SHE be to blame for HIS actions that she doesn't even know he's doing? If she knew about it and stayed with him anyways, then MAYBE that argument could develop some credibility. But until then, and I say this with all my heart and soul, quit talking out of your ass.

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SirSeymour

For all of you who don't think that his not getting sex for a year from his wife is such a big deal, you may want to do a little research. I would recommend starting with one of the best marriage and family books I have ever read titled His Needs, Her Needs - Building an Affair-proof Marriage by William F. Harley, Jr. In it, you will discover that a man's #1 need from his marriage is Sexual Fulfillment. In fact, there is a whole chapter dedicated to this. It is not a little thing.

It is a proven fact that the #1 reason men cheat is that they are not getting taken care of at home. Period.

Rather than pointing fingers at him over having the affair, it would be better to look for the reasons that the sex has stopped in the first place. That fault could be his, hers or, the more likely answer, theirs together. Once that reason is addressed, the problem will likely go away.

Of course, then he or they will have to deal with the affair...

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powerclown

What if he has, to no avail?
What if they tried this already and it failed?[/QUOTE]

What if they have kids and don't want to break up the family?

I wouldn't blame her in the least. Why would her needs be any less important than his? I'm talking about basic human needs. If they aren't met within the marriage, then logically, they will be met outside the marriage.

I wouldn't limit this to only men.

maleficent

Then they get what they deserve - that's not a reason to stay married and it makes for a lousy marriage. Kids aren't stupid, they'd see that mom and dad aren't happy together.

I find it pretty amusing that danbiles started this thread, and then some rather strong opinions were expressed, and he appears to have left down.

I don't know about that, depends on the age group I'd imagine. Some men, I've met a bunch, are trying to relive their youth, they're losing some hair, and go and find some sweet young thing to make them feel young again.

The real reason why people cheat, is BECAUSE THEY CAN.

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RainbowBright

Sorry I repeat what others have said, this thread got me thinking a lot of thoughts I wanted to get down before wading through all the other comments.

No sex for a year - no sex in a couple of weeks would probably warrant a semi serious conversation between my husband and I. Women need to feel that the relationship is good on all levels before they enter the sexual aspect of it. Communication is key, have you asked her why she is not interested? Dig deep, encourage her to talk.

I also wonder if it is possible she is depressed. This would explain a lot of things. Sometimes depression doesn't look like the steriotypical depression that we would expect (I had insomnia and a lot of permiscious sex when I was depressed). But lack of sex drive can definetly be a symptom.

I any case YOU HAVE TO TALK. It can be hard, it can be painfull, but without comminication any relationship is key.

And IMO there is never an excuse for an affair. There are plenty of ways to get yourself off and maybe you should be putting that energy into saving your relationship.

powerclown

Im not saying kids are stupid and don't pick up on stuff, but I think there is something to be said for keeping a family together under less than perfect circumstances. Its the easiest thing in the world to just cut and run; its a copout. If there are no kids involved, ok fine get a divorce. But I think there's a responsibility for both parents to be there fulltime for the kids.

I know a woman who waited till her mid-60's to divorce her husband, for the sake of her children. She waited until they were educated and self-sufficient before she divorced their dad.

Shizukana

An unhappy marriage makes for unhappy kids; trust me, I would know.

A cheating dad followed by a nastier divorce makes for unhappy and very very BITTER kids... trust me, I would know.

I'm dealing with the fallout of my stepfather cheating on my mother, and the subsequent divorce. My brother and sister (both from the stepfather and mother's marriage) are both going to need therapy because of it.

Keeping a family together under less than perfect circumstances is perfectly acceptable. Keeping a family together and subjecting the kids to hearing mommy and daddy fight every night isn't.

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ShaniFaye

I do not believe in staying married for the kids sake....no kid should have to spend years watching their parents be miserable, it doesnt teach them anything useful, ....its highly unfair to everyone involved...parents can still be there for their kids even if divorced

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maleficent

Divorced, both parents can be there full time for the kids, and each happy in their lives. If they stay together, dad's running around, not spending much time at home, mom's pissy because dad's off shagging the lasted sweet young thing... (Gawd, do I have an active imagination?) Naw, staying together, when both parties are miserable --is just wrong... It's a copout to stay together because it's easier -- and they don't have to deal with the issues

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HookedOnChronic

As a kid that gew up in a divorced marriage I can completely agree that it is possible to have a great upbringing without both parents being there all the time. I would prefer being with my mother and father alone at different time while they're HAPPY as apposed to them both being around but being miserable with each other. When you're a child and your mommy and daddy are fighting, you feel like you're doing something wrong or that you should be doing something to stop all of the bullshit. Kids are not stupid - they can tell when things are tense... you can try and hide it, but the sense of tension alone is enough to make growing up alot harder than it should be.

SirSeymour

Note that I did not say it was the ONLY reason, just the top reason. There are other reasons too. Andno, I would not limit this reason to men either however, the top reason women have affairs is that they are looking for affection because they are not getting that at home anymore.

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Halx

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I applaud you for seeking to make yourself happy when your partner will not. In all reality, though, you've screwed up your marriage. While you can attempt to reconcile and make everything right again, unless your wife is of the belief that we are all animals and the 70 years on this earth is all we have for ourselves, you're done.

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uptown

A year ? what person goes a year without sex ?

Ever consider the thought that wifey is getting some side action of her own, hence her disinterest in sex with you?

maleficent

Well - -it's not been by choice... and it's been well over a year ..

Why assume the worst?

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Slarty Bartfast

Has anyone ever heard of an "open marriage" really working? My wife and I have a very robust sex life. But I have a friend in the same boat as danbiles and I always ask myself what if that was me?

Could I say to my wife, hey, I want to go out and sow the oats since you're not interested in that area? Even if she said "fine", the implications are huge. That would obviously mean that she could do the same, can you have sex without developing feelings for someone? I know I can't. So open wouldn't work for me.

The biggest thing about cheating is telling all those lies. Or getting lied to. I have told the missus, "if you get to the point where you need to move on from my bed, just be straight with me, spare me the lies and humiliation, and we'll find a solution the best we can" An open arrangement might solve that for some people (again, not me). But it sounds too late for ol' danbiles, eh?

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nubs

I have been with the same woman for over 8 years now and I have to say that for a while we had sexual issues where we wouldn't have sex for a month at a time. I'm really young so this doesn't really go over well and we aren't married. However, I understand where the guy is coming from. Whether we want to agree or not sex is a huge part of a relationship and of marriage. A wife like a husband has certain obligations towards the other. She may not want to have sex but she should be looking at her husbands needs. I don't think cheating is morally right or wrong because I happen to have a different view on life then most people. I can emotionally seperate sex and love. I have never cheated, but if I were in his situation I would cheat, even if she had issues beyond me. I believe it is his wife's duty to let him know what's going on with her and she should be open enough to consider letting him have extra-marital affairs if shes not willing to exercise those spousal obligations.

Menoman

Hit that shit man,

People can blame you all you want, how is it your problem that she doesnt wanna put effort into the relationship. Face it, Sex is a part of relationships. Healthy relationships have healthy sex. Unhealthy sex will lead to unhealthy relationships. Facts of life.


I say don't listen to people telling you "It's your commitment to her by marriage" Fuck that, she has a commitment too, her's is to keep you happy just as vice versa. You live one time man, make it happy for yourself and ta hell wit teh rest.

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DaElf

Wonder if that guy is ever comin back to this forum.

Ne ways. Cheating on your wife is wrong. Cheating is called cheating because it is the easy way out and a cowards way out IMO. When you get together with someone there is a agreement that says 'we are exclusive' as in our bodies are for each other and not for other people. If you are not happy, that sux but so the fuck what. Either you or her is messing shit up and from what I read you guys havent talked it out. Maybe saying 'gee honey you know what would be nice? my penis in your vagina' Just going out and bustin a nut in some other chick without even giving your wife a chance is like letting someone use your wifes stuff without asking. Just plain disrespectful and RUDE. good job

yippiekiyeh

You know what the crazy thing about this is. I forget where I read this survey from, but majority of women who answered this question about cheating on husbands said they would divorce the man if the found out if she was cheating. Whereas the majority of husbands said they would take a wife back if she cheated.

So the moral of the story is women go and cheat!!!

All joking aside, it's a tough situation and I hope you can resolve it properly.

trevlya006

lol never replied to his own thread

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wubbawubba

I don't understand why women think that once they rope a guy into a relationship they can stop having sex. Being wanted is just as important for a guy as it is for a woman, but it seems like most women do this to guys.

Stompy

Everything has been said already so..

Damn, no sex for a year. I'd talk to her about it. If there was still no sex even after talking, then I'd ask permission to have sex with someone else. If she had the nerve to say no while STILL not getting it on with the sex, then I'd leave her.

No sense in wasting your time with someone who doesn't care for or understand your needs.

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ShaniFaye

hmmm according to his profile he hasnt even logged back in since he posted this

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scout

Wonder if he told his wife or she seen this thread and tossed him out on his arse .......

bonehed1

OMG who cares, keep the good times rolling I say....if she is not putting out then why bother? lol no seriously though, there are probably reasons she doesn't want to talk about and you can either wait it out or continue doing what your doing...GL whatever the outcome is

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stevew

I had the same problem with my girlfriend. The doctor proposed to her to try herbal supplement for increasing sexual desire. She was taking Sentia and her libido had turned to normal. We both are much happier now. Thanks to Sentia!

Daoust

Okay, so that sounds kind of similar to where I"m at. Except in my case she hasn't dropped the weight...yet. I'm expecting she will eventually. It's frustrating for us guys in this situation because we can't do or say anything. THey totally have us by the balls. If we want to have sex, they don't because they look/feel fat. If we say "maybe you should lose that weight and then you'd feel better" we're not any closer to getting any poontang.
I know this isn't what the thread is about, but it's an offshoot... comments?

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I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

Dale Kemp

Relationships are such complex and interesting things. Not one follows the usual pattern (or our expectations) perfectly. But there are some common things that are usually true, once we dig down and find out the truth.

The first thing to slip silently away from a marriage is communication. Maybe the couple just relies on silent agreements and expectations to much, and when their partner doesn't behave the expected way, they kind of back off doing the things they used to do. Whatever, pretty soon they aren't sharing much but the house and bed.

The attraction, particularly for the woman, tends to go silently away, second. When she doesn't feel that her lover is communicating with her, she feels unloved. (To most women, that's the same thing.) So she looses interest in making love with this guy she doesn't feel loves her. With her lack of arousal, when they do have sex, she doesn't get aroused enough to get near orgasm, and so he feels less fulfilled by their attempts, much like she does. Pretty soon, they're going long periods without trying.

The lack of feeling loved causes them to withdraw emotionally from one another even more. A vicious cycle has begun that spins them apart by degrees.

What our poor friend must do is start over with his wife. He has to court her like he did the gal at the office. He has to tune his mind in to what is happening for his wife, and ask her about her feelings, then ask her again, until she opens up to him little by little. This will bring her a feeling that he cares, and she will begin to feel loved. Then she'll be emotionally ready to feel aroused again.

The big problem is that, having cheated, and over a long period, and really enjoyed it, he will not be able to be emotionally open with his wife, unless he tells her. The odds are that she will dump him the moment he tells her. So when he thought he was having sex with the hottie at the office, he was really just screwing himself, his wife and any children they have.

That's why we call it cheating.

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Trueheart

Yakk

Technically, most vows talk as much about putting out as it does about cheating.

Random "traditional" vows:
Cheating is bad not because of marriage vows, but because of social expectations of monogomy. This doesn't make the betrayal any less, just a different kind.

Admittedly, some vows do go into the 'no adultry' part, but it isn't the most common feature.

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

Captain Nemo

Maybe it's just me, but is it at all possible that this thread was started to create an uproar. Previous discussions about infidelity have created quite the fire storms in this forum, ranging from "Kill the infidel swine" to "you need to communicate". It just seems kind of funny that he starts this off and then disappears. Frankly, someone that is having an affair and openly states it isn't going to be afraid or pushed away by your commentary. Rather, I would think they would enjoy the verbal swordfight that this had every opportunity to become.

Just a random thought...

Arsenic7

It's not her fault he cheated.

It is BOTH of their faults that the relationship is going nowhere fast.

Divorce would have been the better solution in my opinion...that would have been the only way to avoid any blame.

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bbrown4

My first thought is something like "quit banging some other woman and tell your wife you aren't happy with the way your life together has evolved."

My second thought is "your life is just that, your life. I have no place telling you what to do" as long as you are happy.

You deserve the best life you can possibly get. Do you work hard? Do you hold up your end in everything that you do? Do you take that extra step for people - friends or strangers? Then you deserve happiness.

Obviously you have asked for advice so you understand that you need some remedy to this situation. Take the lead and handle it. Whether that means you continue to have a wife and a lover and dwell in a passionless marriage or whether you decide to wake up your wife and rebuild your love-life with her is up to you.

If it makes you happy,
Then it can't be that bad.
If it makes you happy,
Then why the hell are you so sad.

-Sheryl Crow

Lebell

I myself went for 3+ years w/o, and ended up divorcing because of it among other things.

So I am extremely sympathetic to your position, but you really need to work this out, one way or another, without the affair.

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