62ford

Hi, i am new here but i love all of the advice this site and its members has to offer. I need your guys advice. I have been in a relationship for 4 years now, we have been married for 1.5 of those years. Its been the usual relationship with its ups and downs. But, lately things have taken a turn for the worse. She hasnt wanted to spend any time at home, which usually she is home all of the time, and is going out with her friends every night. The only time she is home, she complains that the chores aren't getting done, and that i better get shit done if i want "to keep her". I work during the day, when she is usually doing the chores(she isnt working at the time), and then i do some things at night when i come home. I dont have a problem with her going out, but she now says that she doesnt know if she wants to continue this relationship. One day, she acts totally ready to end it and goes out like she is single, and the next day she acts like she wants to reconcile and make this work. I am totally confused as to what to do. Do i give her time and space while i wait around for her, do I try to start moving on, do i try to make it work? Just so you guys know, i would like to make it work, but i dont want to keep getting screwed over emotionally.
I am sorry this is so long, just wanted to let you guys know the whole story. Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Oh, and I am 23, she is 21. This is my first real relationship and my first real love. Thanks.

ratbastid

Okay, first off, that was actually a very tidy summary of what's going on. You wouldn't believe some of the diatribes we see around here. So thanks for being so succinct.

I don't know which way it's going to go, and you don't either. But either way, pulling back from the neediness is the first order of business. I don't know if you can see it, but your post REEKS of neediness. There's nothing less attractive than neediness.

nmm

Well first thing first, you are married, you have to try to make things work and not move on... If you are married you must fight until the end to save your marriage...

I can understand why it is confusing for you, but seems like she is confused as well as she is not constant in her acts...

Do you now why she is actually doing that ad have you make our understand your feelings about it?

As said above don't look needy, but don't look too lay back either as it can sometimes seems like not caring than anything else... What you need to make her understand is that you are confused but not needy and that you wish to know what is going on...

Talking is often the key to fixing any relationship troubles...

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JustJess

I don't know where to begin.

Let me first say, as a disclaimer, that I have a bias against the idea of getting married young. It's not always the wrong idea, but it is more often a bad idea than it is not a bad idea. Keep in mind, I married the guy I started dating at 18... but we married when I was 26.

She was 17 when you started dating. You were 19. You got married when she was 19 and you were 21. Having been there... your relationship is going to go through a LOT of growing pains and changes. It has to in order to evolve and survive. Both of you are changing and maturing, and it's hard to do that *with* someone (trust me, I know). She's probably getting itchy feet etc. because she's a young woman, barely old enough to drink, and probably wants to get out and experience more life. That's not necessarily incompatible with being married, but it can be.

Talk to her. Lots. Honesty is a requirement.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

Ample

I hate to be the one to say this, but if it were my wife, I would want to know what she is doing when she went out. I would most defiantly follow her and she if she is going out with her friends or not. Or even have a buddy that she doesn’t know see what she is up to, wherever she is going. Trust is important, but in order for me to make things work. I would want to be sure that she doesn’t have something on the side first. Do you believe her when she says that she says that she is going out with her friends? Do you have any suspicion that she has been with another guy?

absorbentishe

First, and most important, COMMUNICATE. If she doesn't want to talk, then suggest talking with a counselor. To me, it really sounds like both of you are needy. I also think that she hit 21, and found out there's a lot of fun to be had going out with her friends, since before 21 she couldn't go to the same places she is now, and loves the attention she can get.

Is she on any medication? If she is, did the doc. change the dose, or take her off any?

But, no matter what, communication is the key talk to her, don't judge her, listen, do what ever you need to, to make it easy to talk about what is going on.

JustJess

Whoa whoa whoa.
"follow her when she goes out"??? Game over. Relationship ender. No trust, and any trust there is broken.

Medication? There are medications that make you want to go out? Huh.

Just had to put 4 more cents in...

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

maleficent

This statement bothers me.

as well as a few other things you've said...

She seems to be holding all the cards in the relationship in a way of controlling what happens... It's all about her... Takes two people to make a relationship work, and you have to do y our part by not letting her control you.

When you're working during the day.... what are your expectations for lack of a better term of her? Chores? what kind of chores need to be done? CHores are something that's given to a child to do for their allowance...

Has she ever worked in your relationship, or is she happy being a housewife?

Sounds like you've both bitten off more than you can chew, and it's a problem in many young marriages... you were in love so you got married.. especially since this was yor first love... .now the love has worn off a little and you're confronted with real life.. Real life can suck sometimes...

Hang in there.. and talk to her - not accusing her of anything - but let her know how you are feeling.

When she goes out - what do you do? Sit home and watch television? Why don't you go out with her? Are you invited?

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Toaster126

This sounds like someone that has fucked up somehow and is trying to cause a problem in the relationship so she can break it without guilt.

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Poppinjay

What Jess said. Don't follow her or have "Cheaters" put her on video. The best way to find out if she's seeing somebody is to ask her.

Otherwise, this is going to happen when you marry a first love at a young age. The world is simply not as compatible to that kind of behaviour as it was in 1957. Be creative, think about different ways to remedy the situation. Her telling you to get shit done is basically the same as her establishing a situation in which she will leave, which she will claim has happened unless you keep to an impossible standard of getting shit done.

So talk about the elephant in the room, instead of chores and such.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

62ford

Just Jess, you have stated exactly what is going on it seems. You talk as though you have gone through the same situation. She is not on any meds. She worked for the first year of our relationship, but since then she has always been a stay at home wife. And, as far as i knew she has been fine with that. Oh, and when i say chores, i mean like cleaning the house, taking care of the dogs, those sort of things - which had already been split up amongst both of us. And, i know she isnt going out with any other guys. We have talked, and it has never been a trust issue. The main issue for me is just getting things to settle down and keep eachother on the same page.....Also as much as i hate to admit it, yes i am probably a little needy, but i am working on that. Again, thank you for all of your comments.

thespian86

Hmmm... agreed Mal. I can see how, perhaps, the first stages of friendship with your wife's friends could seem uncomfortable but i can say that some of my greatest friends are my SO's; now... after some work. And you're looking at this quite simply. As if what she is saying is whats wrong. Obviously something is stressing her out, making her uncomfortable. Talk to her. I don't understand how people don't communicate in a relationship? It should be simple. Arn't relationships about finding someone that you can trust and cherish enough to bring down those walls in the first place? Be honest. Yeah man, it's hard. Thats life, no? And I know all about wanting to be right, about being proud. Relationships mean shamelessness (trust me). I know my girlfriend was raised in an enviroment that if you talked you were scared into not speaking again... it took awhile for me to convince her I wanted to hear her honest. You can't fix problems... if you don't fix them; pretty simple huh? Don't be suspicious. She is uncomfortable at home man.

And it also seems that she isn't giving very much either. But it is a RELATIONSHIP. It's both of you, therefore it is no ones fault exactly. It just seems like no one is talking and everyone is getting more frusterated. I've been there. The best thing is to talk to her, and you will both discover why you love each other so much. So much you would stand infront of your loved ones and promise fidelity and love forever.

Thats my... what? Six and a half cents lets say

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62ford

Well, i have no problem meeting her friends or hanging out with them, but she doesnt even want me to come with her to hang our with her friends. This situation started with her getting antsy staying at home. So she would go out during the day. I understand that. Being trapped at home for too long can drive anyone crazy. But, it led to her going out at night for an hour or two, which i also didnt mind because she still came home and we were able to talk and spend some time together. But, that led to her now staying out until 1-2AM and the only time i get to see her is when she wakes me up getting home. It started with her not really wanting to be "HOME", wanting to get out of the house. But it seems to have moved toward her making me the excuse to go out. She says that she doesnt want to be around me, that she just needs "space" right now. But, then she makes statements like...."you dont even care that i am out evey night?" I have offered to go with her, i have done the whole needy thing and pleaded with her to spend time with me, (which by the way, is never a good idea), and i am now trying to let her do her thing and not say much of anything. Where do i go from here? Any suggestions.

Poppinjay

It's not that you don't get to say anything. You need to think of ways to make the situation palatable for both of you, and choose the words to portray that.

Q: You don't even care that I'm out every night?

A: I miss you, but this seems like something you need to do. Anytime you want me to go, let me know.

This sounds hard, but he who cares the least, wins. That doesn't mean you have to disengage caring about her. It means you have to get into a mindset of being incredibly not needy.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Redlemon

Do you know any of her girlfriends? Might it be worth meeting up and chatting with the one you feel most comfortable with, just to get some outside perspective from someone who is a little closer to the situation than we are? Just thinking, I don't know.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

maleficent

have you asked her why she doesn't want to stay home? Not when she's getting ready to go out - but at a moment when you are both relaxed...

Is she bored? You're both very young and probably didnt have a lot of opportunity to go out - since she's just 21 now. it sounds like she's sowing those wild oats that most people get out of their system before they get married...

Try a "date night" once a week where it's just the two of you going out to a place you'd both enjoy...

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little_tippler

Why doesn't she want you to go out with her friends, ever? That's weird and a tad offensive to you. You're married, why wouldn't she like you to go along sometimes also? Would seem natural.

Now she says she doesn't want to be around you? What the hell does that mean? Did you do something to upset her? Again, you're married, what is she playing at?

I have to say this smells of cheating to me, and like Toaster said, she's dumping her guilt on you. It seems you have no idea what she does all day, going out with "friends" left and right.

Stop being "needy" as you say and pandering to what she wants. It should be about what you both want, not about you running around complying to what she wants so that she doesn't get upset. You're upset. So let her know that you won't stand for it anymore. Either she talks to you about what's going on or make it clear that you are going to move on. If she is committed to you, that will give her the necessary kick in the ass to realize that maybe she's going to lose someone important by acting like a teenager.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

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Redlemon

How have you changed over the past 1.5 or 4 years? Is it possible that you are no longer the person she thought you were?

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

maleficent

Right now she seems like she's got everything she needs... She's not working, she's got a roof over her head, meals I assume are paid for, where's the money coming from for her to go out? You? It seems as if you are acting as a parent supporting her lifestyle and not a partner...

Ask yourself a question... What do you want right now? Do you want her to stop going out? Do you want her to get a job? What do you want? What will it take for that to happen?

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ratbastid

What's a "stay at home wife"? I've never heard of such a thing. I've heard of a "stay at home MOM", but don't kid yourself--that's a JOB. Or at least it's something to do. What does she DO while she's at home all day?

So... How I'm reading this is, you go to work, she sits at home, then she complains that you don't pull your weight around the house while she's out partying at night. Is that it? If so, she asks a fine question: Why ARE you putting up with that? Does she put your balls in her purse on the way out the door, or does she leave them on her nightstand?

Look: I was 21 when I got married, but I was a hell of a lot older than your wife seems to be. She wants her freedom, but she doesn't want to end the gravy train and have to start supporting her own happy ass. She only gets it both ways if YOU LET HER.

Jinn

qft. You need to put some fuckin' pants on and talk this out. If you want the marriage to go further toward the fiery pits of relationship hell, by all means take a stand-offish approach...... or..... you could talk to her about it.

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JustJess

Well, we're not going to know anything (more importantly, YOU'RE not going to know anything) unless/until you talk with her and ask her some straightforward questions.

1. If you're supporting her, it's reasonable that she does all the house stuff. Not that you need to throw your garbage on the floor or anything, but come on. You have to take care of each other. You're doing your part, so...

2. She's 21. She's changing. So are you. Figure out in what ways and how to deal with it.

3. Find out why she doesn't want you to come out ever. It's weird, and suspicious.
I like to go out without Quadro (he cramps my style as I drink and he does not) but that's established. There's a reason for it, we've talked about it, it's fine. We go out and do things together as well, all the time. This is normal. Her never wanting you to come is not.

4. The average 21-yr-old is not thinking of being a stay-at-home-wife for the rest of their lives (at least not the ones I knew/know). Have you talked about what she wants out of life? What kinds of dreams/aspirations/etc she has? What about you?

5. Again, relationships when you're this young are going to change and have some issues. Either work through them... or don't. You haven't said much about how much this matters to you.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

abaya

If I had married the guy I was dating when I was 19 (he was 22 then), I'd probably be sounding a bit like this girl right now, especially after turning 21. I'm turning 27 this summer and I've changed *so much* since I was 19, of course... and most of that change happened when I was between 20 and 24 years old. I had a fairly sheltered life up until I turned 21, and after that I started exploring things and really having fun. So I don't know if this is her case, but it may be part of it.

When it comes down to it, though, I have no idea what she's thinking and feeling, because I'm not her, and I'm not married to her. That's why this comes down to you and her, not you and the TFP. You must learn the TFP mantra: COMMUNICATE. I don't mean just sit around and talk on the couch after watching TV; I mean, set up a specific time when both of you know what's going to be talked about (your relationship), and dig in REAL deep with each other. Read her what you wrote on the TFP, if it's necessary. Start all your statements with, "I feel _____ when you _____."

And be prepared for some shit to hit the fan. But that's what being in a committed relationship is all about; exposing all your shit and being ready to take all of the other person's shit, and moving forward together (I mean yeah, there's also the part about enjoying time together, etc... but right now you need to air out the shit). There's no other way to maintain (or obtain, if you don't have it) intimacy.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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62ford

Thank you all for your replies. You have all pretty much got it right. I am being more of a parent supporting her than a partner. I have been letting her walk all over me. And i know you are all probably getting tired of this, but the reason i have been acting like this is a fear of losing her........but i am starting to realize that i have all but lost her already, so what the hell......? I might as well try to keep my dignity through all of this, rather than let her take that too. I do intend to get my balls back, and i am commited to setting up a time where we talk all of this shit out, regardless of the outcome. Thanks again to all of you. I will keep you posted.

abaya

Good to hear it, man. That's what we're here for. Now please let us know how it goes, okay?

I also wanted to respond to this:
Well, I hate to say this, but that's exactly the opposite way to go about "keeping" her. Giving in to her way all the time is a good way to *lose* a relationship. How are you supposed to respect each other as equals, when it's totally unbalanced? You both need to gain each other's respect back again... which means that yes, you need to get your balls back and see yourself as her equal again.

You both have rights and responsibilities in a marriage; it's best to lay those out clearly now, and be very honest about what expectations you have for yourselves and each other (no matter how irrational they seem, you HAVE to communicate them out loud... unless you're both mind-readers, which it doesn't appear that you are). You can't start learning and compromising unless you have a better idea of where each person is coming from.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

BigRedKerVa

Some really good responses to your post, 62ford. I have been married and divorced twice now in my 51 years, so I am only an expert at being unsuccessful at maintaining a long-term relationship. Having said that, I will say this: if one partner of the twosome begins dictating to the other partner then the partnership is in serious trouble. The times I was happiest in my marriages were when we were equal partners. My two cents for you is to determine whet you want from your marriage and, like others have already suggested, communicate the hell out of your needs and expectations. Expect to listen and be receptive to what your wife's expectations are, too. In the end, it takes two to make a marriage work and you have some serious decisions to make. It's probably a good thing there are no children yet, either. Best of luck to you.

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