sashime76

I’ve always wanted to know why any married couple wouldn’t want to have children? This is for those who are financially, physically capable and with decent job(s).

God of Thunder

Kids are not neccessarily the primary goal of all relationships.

I have a daughter and that completes me. My sister and her husband, however, do not have children, nor do they plan to. That is their decision, and they are happy with it.

Some people marry for companionship and some even marry for legal reasons. Not everyone marrys for the sake of having children.

I'd like to know what you feel finances and a decent job have to with having a kid? What part do they play in your question?

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ratbastid

I got married because I couldn't imagine life without lurkette. It had nothing to do with kids or progeny or anything like that. We currently don't plan to have children. We're willing to have our plans change, but for now, that's our plan.

Frankly, if I was just looking for a carrier for my genes, lurkette wouldn't be my choice--her family has a fairly serious hereditary disease that makes it a 50/50 shot that any male children she has would be healthy. I knew that going in, and I knew I didn't have any problem with that.

Cynthetiq

I had started a similar thread How to Tell your parents you are choosing to NOT have kids.

My thoughts on this still hasn't changed and neither has Skogafoss.

My sister is on her 2nd child.

When I visit and I see the mayhem and craziness that is now her life. I don't want to live like that.

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Lebell

My ex knew she would be a terrible mother.

Simple as that.

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the_marq

Just because you CAN have children, in way means you HAVE TO have children.

My girlfriend and I both are very much looking forward to having kids in the next couple of years. Not because socitey or our families has talked us into it, but rather because we want to have kids and want to lead that sort of life. I commend those couples who, in the face of persucution and social pressures resist the urge to have children because they feel they have to.

There is nothing sadder than a couple who gets pushed into parenthood only to neglect and resent their child for years and years. Is the child happy, are the parents happy? I think not.

Lead543

My uncle and aunt don't have kids. They're both very focused on their careers and have decided they don't have the time and energy a child needs. Older couples getting married may choose to not have children for medical and lifestyle reasons. Some people just don't want kids, but it doesn't mean they don't want a spouse.

P.s. I really agree with the last statement the_marq made.

abaya

Yep, Cyn, that's what I think too. I have enough mayhem in my life as it is from my own family of origin, let alone allowing that to develop in kids of my own.

I enjoy challenges, and I think parenting would be a terrific challenge; however, that doesn't mean I want to be challenged 24-7, and there is NO BREAK from kids. Even after 18, they never go away; they will always need you, even when they don't admit it. I don't feel comfortable with that idea. I've put myself on enough of a punishing schedule during college and grad school, and I definitely want to get to a point of rest and relaxation (as much as one can, while working), with a spouse, before I ever consider kids.

Hell, I'd love to just have permanent R & R with the person I'm married to, without kids running all over the place making us sacrifice us-time. And yes, this is selfish, but I readily admit that I am too selfish to have kids, now or in the near future. Perhaps never. Adoption is something I would always be willing to consider, if I ended up waiting too long after the "prime time" for women to conceive. That's fine with me.

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Grasshopper Green

I have three aunts and a stepsister who are all happily married, well off financially, and childless. Why? They simply don't want kids. End of story. Marriage does not necessarily mean the brick house in the 'burbs with a nice white fence and two kids. Diversity makes the world a much more interesting place.

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Sage

Martel and I don't want kids now. If, in the future, we think we might want kids, we've agreed that we'll babysit until the urge passes. And what's with this "if you CAN have kids then you HAVE TO have kids"? Did I misunderstand something?

I don't want kid(s) because I want Martel all to myself, and I want some time just to myself, and I don't want to physically go through having kids. I also, like abaya, feel just too darn selfish to be able to take care of kids

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aberkok

I'm surprised nobody's mentioned the fact that this world is a tough place for anyone, let alone a new life.

Me and my wife (still getting used to calling her that), have decided not to bring a child into this world. We don't want to contribute to overpopulation, and we figure that kids are cuter when we don't have to have the responsibility of raising them.

All things being said, we don't judge those who are parents. Many of our most respected friends are breeders.

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snowy

I do want to have children but I have plenty of friends who don't, including one of my close girl friends. She has a great example in her aunt, though, who never wanted children because she doesn't like little kids (same as my friend) but now she and her aunt are best friends (because once she was older it became clear they had a lot in common). My friend has an extended network of "aunties" who don't have children of their own, and I see the important roles these women have played in my friend's life. I hope (as I know her sister hopes) that someday my friend will see fit to play "auntie" to my kids. That way, as she says, you can always send them home.

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kramus

I have 2 sisters who are childless, one through choice from the start and the other because the men she married didn't want children. They are extremely successful in their professional lives.

My brother is childless because he didn't want to be unable to support a child in the level of comfort he thought necessary.

My other brother had 4, and my other sister had 3 daughters - natural parents.

I have 4 kids, and always knew from the time I was pre-kindergarden age that I would want to have my own kids. I also knew I wouldn't be a good dad just because I'm not a real nurturer of others. Sorry about that, kids, but I wanted you all anyway

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Sweetpea

My husband and i would be perfect canidates to have children.
We're very stable financially, our relationship is strong, we have supportive family and friends around us, which would provide a close network for a child if we were to have one.

But, we don't want kids, period.

We both look at children and see how adorable they are, and how much joy they bring, but we enjoy handing them back to their parents at the end of the day. Neither one of us has an urge to raise a child. My husband's side of the family has a genetic disease that could be passed onto our children if we ever did have any, so we choose for him to get a vasectomy. That was five years ago and we've never had a second thought.

I think that some people just aren't into the "kid route" . . . i respect those who are though.

When we think about our future together, we see travel, being active in our community, time to just be together the two of us. We don't see changing diapers, soccer sundays or sending the kids to college . . .

Maybe it's because we've seen happy couple after happy couple turn to hating each other and being eaten alive by stress and it's turned us completely off children, but then again, neither my husband or I from a young age wanted to be parents.

So yeah, we're looking forward to being an aunt and uncle . . . but not mom and dad. I don't ever see us changing our minds on that.

Sweet Pea

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Sweetpea

Sage, you mentioned the word "selfish" Allot of people say it's selfish not to have kids . . . where does that come from i wonder??

Isn't it the ultimate maturity to say that "I'm not going to do just what everyone else is and have kids because i'm supposed to . . . " Doesn't it show true maturity to say . . . "this isn't for me."

I think many people who have kids now would have choosen to be childless, but it didn't used to be as accepted.

I think it's selfless not selfish to say, i don't want to be a parent and i'm not going to have one to fit into a societal mold.



Sweet Pea

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abaya

Well, I can speak to this since I mentioned "selfish" in my post. I say that I'm too selfish to have kids, but I don't actually believe that it's a bad thing. I realized a while ago that there are both good and bad kinds of selfishness... and I think it took me a while to realize that being "good" selfish was okay.

For example, just taking time for myself, not having to always sacrifice for others or to feel guilty... because I value who I am and what I have to contribute, and I can't be those things if I don't take time to be on my own. So to me, that's "good" selfishness, and it's the same sort of thing I attach to being a parent (or not): for me, it's better to NOT be a parent, because I really am much happier not having that responsibility and burden of children weighing on me, and having the time to be close to a spouse and travel, volunteer, etc (like you, Sweetpea).

I guess when I said "selfish," I just meant that I like myself (and my relationship w/ktspktsp) too much to have kids, whom I see as taking away from who I am and what I love. I don't think this is a bad thing, though... at least I'm honest about it.

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Sweetpea

Abaya,

Wow, thank you for such a candid response. And you're right, being honest about one's feelings surrounding children is really important.

I've caught allot of negative responses from people in my life and even my own family . . . the normal response is

"GASP!!!!! ohmygod, why don't you want kids? You won't ever feel like woman not being a mom"

And YES, i've had people tell me exactly that. It's this idea that children complete the woman and somehow Solidify the couple . . turning them into a "FAMILY" . . .

my husband often tells them "I'm happy with just sweetpea, i don't need a child to make me feel like a family, we already are"

But i don't even think it is "selfish" to not want children . . . some people just aren't meant to have them and it's being honest and true to yourself to buck societal trends and go for what you want in life for yourself and your relationship with your spouse.

People often tell me . . . "if you have children, you'll be so much closer to your husband . . . much closer than you are now . . . you'll never get that level without having a family . . ."
And i call bullshit on that. If having children brings you closer . . . then why do so many ppl we know divorce shortly after having a family . . . so sure, it brings you closer together . . . but it also adds a huge amount of stress . . . the focus turns away from the married couple and onto the children . . . the whole concept we have now in our society where the lives revolve around is what turns me off.

Thanks again for your candid and valued comments Abaya.



Sweet Pea

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Ustwo

Until my child was born I didn't understand the whole 'kids' thing. Sure I kinda wanted a child, but I didn't see it as needed. Had my wife said she didn't want kids, I would have been ok with it.

Now that I have a child, its amazing and almost impossible to articulate the feeling.

1. It complicates our lives.
2. We get less sleep.
3. It gives me something else to worry about.
4. It costs more money.
5. I have to deal with the whole 'religious' aspect of raising a child.

6. I couldn't imagine being without him.

Its the best thing that has ever happened to me and I've had a lot of good things happen over my life. While some people SHOULD not have children, don't let the 'hassle' convince you that you shouldn't have one. Just seeing him smile is better than any party, 3some, paycheck, or vacation I've ever been on.

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Cynthetiq

While I don't have kids, nor do I want them, my comment is simple.

Closer isn't instant. It takes time to develop. I must say that now that the we kids are grown up, my parents relationship has gotten more and more closer than it ever was when we were kids.

IMO people get divorced after having kids, because they think that the change is instant, that something must be wrong if it's not "at the moment of birth/marriage" The lie of and they "got married and lived happily ever after."

there's work that goes into it, in order to reap the rewards. It's those that don't want to put in the work that bail.

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abaya

I wholeheartedly agree with Cyn here. To me, divorce really is a VERY LAST RESORT. Kids or not, it's about how hard you are willing to work... and only in the most desperate times, when ALL other avenues have been tried, is divorce acceptable (to me). I know a lot of you have been there... so I only speak hypothetically... but I watched my parents, and I know they did not try hard enough in the right ways. The only good part was that they did not bail on me, thank goodness.

If I were to become a parent (and I'm not saying I'm entirely closed to the idea, but at this point it does not seem feasible for at least 5-10 more years), I want to have the conscious motivation to put as much work into raising the child and loving my spouse as possible, and I want my spouse to have that same desire. I want the work to be 100% from everyone, and equally shared.

Sweetpea, I'm glad my comments were helpful to you.

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powerclown

Well said.
Before I had kids, it was me-me-me-me-me. Kids quickly put this into perspective. The focus turns from seeking to please oneself, to seeking to care for the children. It's not always roses, but it is a full time job, isn't it!

sashime76

A friend of mine I thought would never grow up made a 180 change - after birth of his daughter a year ago. Here is a guy that has had more girlfriends than can count with all my fingers and toes. He backed out of an engagement and was afraid of anything long term. He told me life has become much more meaningful in the past year than it has ever been in his 39 years of life.

I have learned a lot since the births of my two boys. I feel like I grow with them everyday. My older son is now 4. He is full of questions and endless energy. I learn to see things through their eyes. I learn to see things in a whole new dimensions. Kids are worry free, unfortunately we aren’t.

I learn to better manage time. I’m a much better financial planner than I ever was. I watch my health, my diet much more closely. I pay more attention to my manners, even my driving. I’d like to say I have become a better person since becoming a parent.

I often work 10, 11 hour days. When I pull up my driveway and open the garage door to see my boys come running to me, I forget that I have just put in a long exhaustive day. Sure, life can be chaotic when you have kids. It provides the best opportunity to test your patience, stress tolerance, communication skills, listening skills and negotiations skills. I think running a production line with 40, 50 workers is easier than trying to resolve issues between my two boys. A lot of times I have to tell myself, they are just kids, one is 4 and the other is just 2.

Personally, I think parenthood is the ultimate challenge for everything. You can be a CEO managing thousands of people but have no idea on your kids’ whereabouts. You can be the CFO of a multi-billion company but have no control on your kids’ spending. You can be the most respected psychologist in your time but you are clueless when it comes to your own children. Being a parent isn’t difficult, being a good parent definitely takes some work and much dedication.

abaya

I think this is exactly the perspective needed by people who both choose to have kids, and those who choose not to.

For those of us who don't feel like having them (as of yet), I think it's because we understand exactly how much work it is, and in a sense we aren't ready to "become a better person" (many of us are afraid of what that might entail -- I know I am, though I'm trying to become a better person before having kids, so I will screw them up less).

For those who have chosen to have kids, or accidentally had them... well, that's baptism by fire, isn't it? You learn as you go... and if you are a good parent, my hats are off to you. Somebody's gotta do it, and you might as well do it well.

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Cynthetiq

well said.

I take the road that parallels this:

I try to be a better person every day that I interact with the rest of the world.

Being a parent reminds you that you need to do that because you can see the immediate impact of your boorish behavior, bad manners, swearing, and other bad habits, as the children emulate you. Well, adults do the same thing.

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sashime76

I just revised the thread title.....I guess I should direct my question to those who simply don't want to have kids, now or in the future.

Meditrina

Wow. I am really glad I read this thread. Now I understand a friend of mine a bit better. While I have 2 children, she chose to get marrieed but not have children. At that time, I didn't understand why someone would get married and not have children. Now I understand. I apologize to my friend for thinking that way, it was very judgemental of me, and now I know better.

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Zeraph

Still, marriage has turned into a financial contract meant to keep two people together in order to raise children. I can see having a life mate, but I no longer see a reason to get married under the government.

Apache

After 5 years of marriage we just had our first child in March. I already can't imagine life without him, and plan to have more in the future. We are financially ok and can afford to have another. Yet I can't understand why people who choose not to have children starts such a debate. Ive seen threads like this before, and have heard it discussed before.
So what if someone doesn't want to have kids? There are to many people having kids that don't want them in the first place. Who suffers from that? The children. If someone says they don't want kids who's place is it to look down on them. I would rather see people who don't want them make sure they don't have them.
Besides you don't marry someone just because you want children. You marry that person because your in love and can't imagine life without them there. Or at least that's why I did anyway!

Gilda

I applaud those who recognize that they would not be good parents, or are too selfish, or don't desire to have children deciding not to have them. If you don't want children, for whatever reason, you are better off without them, and possibly the children are, too. People who aren't ready to be parents probably shouldn't be.

I hope and plan to have a child at some time in the future, maybe in a year or two, but for right now I'm doing good with my relationship, enjoying my family as it is. I suspect that when my sister, who is staying with my wife and I while she goes to colleg, when she leaves to be on her own and doesn't need me any more, I'll find myself wanting children more. Or possibly, I might find myself thinking, "I'm done with this."

Hmmm. I had legal custody of her from the time she was 15 to when she turned 18, and I've been helping her since then, so though I'm not actually a parent, I suppose I have had some of the same experiences the parent of a teenager would have, but without the experience of having had her as a younger child. Then again, maybe it's completely different; I don't know.

Cynthetiq

after spending the whole day at a Six Flags park with a well behaved 12 year old, I have to say that I'd love to have a child that is as thoughtful and insightful as she is. Alas, I was surrounded by a bunch of other self entitled assholes and their children who were being taught by example that being an asshole gets you what you want and further ahead of the lines.

Just adds more to the con side of having children. I'd have to teach them not only how to be condisderate people but also have to give them tools for when they are subject to these kind of selfish assholes.

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Sweetpea

excellent points made cynthetiq, i had not thought of it that way, that it's the concept of 'expectation' that casues the divorces and/or causes the spouses to feel that they are let down when they actually Do have children.

personally, i think the whole idea of ' once we have children, we'll be the happy family and we'll be closer and everything will be roses and love' is a myth and a fantasy, yes, having children is really great for some people, however, there is an extensive amount of work and stress that goes into raising a child into a thoughtful and kind adult.

Having children is the right choice for allot of people, but for an equal amount, not having children is also the right choice. I just wish there wasn't so much judgement that was involved when you openly say you're choosing not to have children.

Sweetpea

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Ustwo

If for an equal amount not having children is also the right choise I guess that means I better have 4 kids to keep the population up

I think the decision for most heterosexual couples not having children is often based on fear. Having a child is scary on many levels, and society has placed ones personal status as the highest plane. Being a good mother isn't 'good enough' for women these days.

I think in the long run they will regret it as age catches up, past dreams have either been realized or failed, and its too late.

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Cynthetiq

there's a fair amount of people I hear who are fearful, but mine and a number of my peers, it's not based on fear. my wife and I are too selfish with our time and resources to devote them to a child.

I understand the idea of regret and there are some that do regret not making the plunge themselves and even some wonder why they waited so long.

I know all the feelings that are there in the above paragraphs and I've wandered through them bit by bit.

But your statements to me ring as it does for anyone who's not savored or sampled some tasty morsels of food. People saying, "Trust me after you try it you'll wish you tried it sooner."

Sure that may be the case, but taking a person who's been ignorant of the feelings their whole lives doesn't really comprehend what they are missing, nor will they ever no matter how many times someone says it.

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la petite moi

Cyn, I agree with you. nwlinkvxd and I aren't necessarily scared...we just want to be able to do more. If you have a child, you spend WAY more money than without.

Elphaba

I can speak only for myself, but I have never regretted not having a child. For a number of reasons, it was the "better" choice when I had my tubes tied in my mid-twenties. My life partner of 30 years feels the same and there was not a bit of "fear" involved for either one of us.

The global "good enough" comment is merely absurd.

Sage

I think that in some ways, the idea of getting married=having children is very religiously rooted. I actually had a woman that I worked with argue that homosexuality was wrong because the Bible said God said to "go forth and multiply" and since gay people couldn't do that it was wrong. So, apparently we're all to have kids to keep up the population of God's people, whomever those people may be.

Again, not having kids, don't want kids, think there should be more quality over quantity when it comes to children. Today I saw a girl with like, a two week old in the poolroom of a bar. A BAR! With people smoking... and when the kid grows up to have an IQ of 50, some of us will know why....

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Ustwo

Being selfish in the long run leaves one alone. There are many things I want to do and have, which would be easier without a child, but I didn't want to wait so long to have children that I would be in retirement by the time they were ready for college. So despite misgivings, and longing for a simpler life my son was born last October.

Yes I wish I had done it sooner

Yes it complicated life a bit, but only a bit. Children are not that hard to deal with, if they were we would have died out as a species eons ago. We are still planning a trip to mexico in November, (without the child) still go out with friends, I still play my computer games, go to work, have my hobbies (going on a week long fishing trip in about a week) and very little has changed.

Children take but they also give back, there is an interdependency which strengthen both the child and parents (unlike pure dependency).

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Cynthetiq

There are no guarantees in life. For each child that is still involved with their parents there are a percentage that are not interested due to whatever previous drama.

We are born alone and will die alone. Sure, there's people around, but they cannot be inside your head at those moments. Having a few near death experiences in my life one just a few years ago, I realized the power of the alone moment.

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analog

Marriage has to do with loving your partner and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them.

This has nothing to do with making babies.

I will marry quite happily, but children are nowhere in my future. Never will be.

quadro2000

Guess I missed this thread the first time 'round.

It's nice to see that regardless of your opinion, most of you seem to be on the same page with your spouse. That's obviously the most important thing. Jess and I are also on the same page - we definitely do not want kids right now, but haven't closed the book "forever." It's something that I think we'll revisit a number of years from now. Apart from enjoying our lives the way they are, neither of us currently feel like we're in a place with our careers where we're satisfied - there's so much more we want to do that would have to be either placed on hold or discarded altogether were we to have kids at this point.

I sometimes think of the greater picture - how none of us would be here if not for somebody making the decision to have kids - and whether I have some kind of greater cosmic responsibility, as hokey as that sounds, to give somebody the opportunity to experience all that life has to offer. It wouldn't guide my decision wholly, but I do definitely think about it.

For now, we are content living as a couple - having the freedom to do whatever we want, whenever we want (so to speak). I'm not saying it couldn't change or won't change in the future. I can't say how I'll feel in five years, and I refuse to make a steadfast decision now about it.

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