slimshaydee

It's not like it was a 30 year old going at it with a 13 year old...there's only 4 years difference between the 2. Theres 60 year olds out there having sex with 18 year olds, but yet you will probably think this is alright.

Willravel

I'm going to post without reading any responses, lest I respond to them and not you.

From a fellow father of a beautiful daughter that makes life worth living: A 20 year old man had unprotected sex with your (then) 16 year old daughter and she became pregnate. This is cut and dry. It's illegal and he deserved whatever punishment stipulated by law. There is no argument there. He was put on probation and was not allowed to contact her by court order. He contacted her, thus breaking that order. This tells me that this guy, whether or not he cares for your daughter, is someone who is willing to break a court order. You gave your daughter one month to get a paternity test out of the guy. Nothing. This guy is obviously not a person who is willing to try to compromise with you. I have to admire you for not beating the guy. I don't know how much self control I would be able to muster in your situation.

Now your daughter is really mad at you. In her mind you are the bad guy in this situation, not her deabeat dad boyfriend. This is to be expected. Just keep telling her that you want what is best for her and her son, because you really do. I hope to God that she can get some perspective, but when and if she does, it will take time. Keep being a good father. I feel for you and I really hope that this can get resolved.

Note: you might want to contact your ex about this. I'm sure your daughter has gone crying to her with the whole situation, so you might have an opportunity to keep in touch with her indirectly through your ex.

Boo

I look at it from a different perspective. I see nothing of how you are where you are. I only see now and believe that actions taken now can shape the future.

Tell your daughter that you love her every time you see her. Even before you have a chance to disagree on anything. Let her know that you only want the best for her.

You can pick your friends, not your family. You now have an unofficial son-in-law. You can choose to keep him at a distance (and your daughter at this time) or switch up and get to know him, mentor him and maybe mold him into a respectable father. If he is from a less than desirable family lifestyle, maybe he just needs a boost up. Show him how you live and see if he can manage to change his life focus.

__________________
Back button again, I must be getting old.

shakran

At least it would not be rape, eh?

the420star

i went through the same thing with my sister, minus the part about becoming pregnent. My sister became very upset with my parents and it became very tense in the house, b/c it was my parents that made her bring charges againts the guy. I think my parents did the right thing, and things have smoothed out with my parents and sister. I find it hard to belive that at some point down the road she will understand you had her best intrests in mind and will come around. As a child, like she is right now, i am sure she does not understand the breth of the subject, and is not able to understand your forcefulness towards things like the partenity test. I belive you did the right thing.

__________________
No, they arnt breasts, they are personalities, because its ok to like a girl for her personalities.

Seer666

Then I misunderstood that part, and you are right in holding him to the test. Make him face up. i was under the impression that he already had. I still feel you should have a heart to heart with the girl though, and try to empithise with her. Not give in on that part, mind you, just try and make her understand that you you are very worried about her and love her, without stepping on her beliefs that she can think for herself. Hard line, I know. And I do hope that you can resolve the conflict with her. these kind of things are very hard to deal with. As for him, take him to the goat locker and give him a wall to wall to make him do what is right if you have to.

__________________
Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

bonehed1

I feel V is doing what is right.....screw the daughter and what she wants...she is the one that messed up not him. I am only 23 and a parent but I would kill if I had to to make sure my daughter is safe and taken care of. Even though he may be your grandchild you still fight for the best thing possible if your punkass daughter doesnt want it. Aslong as "you" do the right thing that is all that matters. Just pray that your daughter grows up and understands one day that you were looking out for him and her. She obviously isnt mature enough to handle the situation like an adult and do what is best/right. V, you do what you can to make sure everything is done to take care of her and him but once she turns 18 of course she is gonna want out of the house which is her choice and if she decides to do that she will be in a world of hurt. I would kill my daughter if she was old enough to do that stuff but she isnt so I am safe for now but the moment she does I have a list of 50 questions I am going to ask her. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO MAKE SURE HE IS TAKEN CARE OF. Your daughter will reject you and what not because she is upset and doesnt really understand where you are coming from. Just do what you feel is right and everything will turn out alright.

__________________
Stuff is Good

victorjara

In my quest for better understanding, today I am going to see two counselors, a lawyer, and my doctor for some sleeping pills.

I'll know what my approach will be, after today, I think. I think it is going to be: Stop my part in escalating further (I already got what I needed). Work on the new phase of healing and rebuilding family although it will be a slow process. That is the hard part, and that is where I will need to develop a good plan.

Thank you for all the advice and discussion. This forum is great!! How else could I have recieved such a diverse and plentiful amount of ideas and opinions, which has helped me so much in giving me a wider understanding of this situation. Please keep them coming...

Is there anybody else who has gone through the identical situation or a similar one? Thanks 420star. If you get a chance, could you give me some more details?

highthief

In response to the original question, I feel the pain, but the father messed up the relationship with his daughter. Perhaps in the long term that will heal, but for right now, he took it too far. I'm not saying it's a great idea for 16 year olds to get pregnant, and it is not cool that this young guy got so involved, but it was pretty obvious from the start that this was going to adversely affect the relationship with the daughter. I'm sorry, a blind man could see that.

The question one has to ask is: Did Dad do this for his daughter, or did he do this for himself (to satisfy his own sense of "justice" and to alleviate his own "impotency"), given the likely outcome of all this in terms of ruining the father/daughter relationship?

What to do now? I have no idea...

__________________
Si vis pacem parabellum.

Averett

Wow! Okay, so I have to ask... Why did you do this? Did you do this to protect your daughter, or to satisfy yourself? It looks like you were doing this purely for selfish reasons. The "I got what I needed" pretty much says that.

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

MSD

Well, since you've moved on to the next step, we wish you the best of luck with whatever happens next, and don't be afraid to ask us if you need help, or just a big e-hug to keep you going through hard times.

SecretMethod70

*shrug* I just don't understand how securing child support for his daughter can be seen as selfish, no matter how he words it. "I" is the most used word in the english language - it's use means practically nothing. The way I read that, "he" needed to secure the fact his daughter would receive child support for her child. Why did "he" need this? Because he's her father and "he" sees it as a duty of his to do what's best for his daughter. Let's not get into semantics here.

Not to mention that highthief is right - a blind man could have seen this would have an adverse effect on the father-daughter relationship. Clearly, this effect is upsetting to him, so if it were purely him being selfish I think it's pretty clear that he would not have gone through with this, doing so much damage to a relationship he clearly cares about. To draw a (bad) comparison, a person doesn't murder someone they LOVE for selfish reasons, they murder someone they DON'T love (or fell out of love with). Point is, if he cares about her - and it's obvious he does - he has no "selfish" reason to basically destroy his relationship with her.

I'm STILL trying to figure out where some people think she was supposed to get money to raise her child as well as herself after she turns 18 and while she's not receiving child support from the father.

__________________
Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

shortynickel

I only got down to the quote above and wanted to add some thoughts...i can/will add some more later but...what shakran said above i totally agree in.

The only thing I am unsure of is if it was "rape" or was it just a teenager trying to rebel by having sex...also imo if her mother is laid back I am not surprised that this has happened sorry to say.

My sister and I dont have a relationship with our father after she got pregnant....lil story to help backup(make more sense) of what i am saying sorry if its too long.

My parents divorced about 10 years ago...i am 25 now and she(sister) is 26, Our "father"(so called) married the county slut and things went downhill from there but what put the icing on the cake, and where he decided to disown us, was that when my sister was pregnant with her son, now 2.5 years old, our "father" backed him up, giving him money and/or anything that would piss her(my sister) off or would help him(the father) get a better chance with his son, but our "father" would only do these things as long as he was allowed(by the babys father)to come to the visits. Anyway the father is lazy and wont work nor will he pay anything to help his son out and doesnt deserve to have much if anything to do with his son if he cant provide the necessary means for them to survive, let alone anything else. The only way my sister has survived this far was by living at home and our mother watches him during the day while she goes to work(more on this in another thread lol). Edit: Wanted to add that my sister was/is mature enough, even tho she did get pregnant.

I do agree that you will need to sit down with ur daughter and have an adult conversation, whatever you do, DO NOT loose ur temper. You may want to have your Ex there also as a witness. I have one child atm and another on the way so if i was in ur situation i would do some similar things. Also try talking to ur ex about these things, get her opinion if you havent already. Lastly, imo she needs to learn that she needs to depend on you and her mother's help cause her son depends on her. Hopefully this is all clear, if not i can clarify what i meant. Whatever happens tho I hope everything turns out for the best whatever that maybe. Good Luck!

shortynickel

Imo slimshaydee those two things are totally different!!!

He is more then just a sperm donor...that was what mine more or less was, but imo he is more of a "father" for sticking up for his daughter.

The Phenomenon

subscribes to Shakran's newsletter

Hear, hear Shakran!

I agree wholeheartedly with you.

This guy is 22, living with his mother, raping underaged girls and getting them pregnant, and then he does not even have the balls to get his name on the birth cirtificate, or pay to keep the child fed. Sounds real nice to me, great example of what a father should be like. I can just imagine what a kid will grow up like with his influence.

Victor, this guy belongs in jail. Push for the paternity test and child support.

When you do not need to pay child support anymore, don't. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT give her a single cent more than you are legaly obliged to. Have her learn that nothing in this world is free.

Your daughter has gotten the idea in her head that this "man" (and I use the word in its broadest possible sense) loves her, he's her knight in shining armor trotting along on his white horse, just waiting for his chance to rescue her from your brutal rule. Her head is filled with romantic dreams. She is obviously nowhere near mature enough to be having sex with an adult, nor to raise a child or make intelligent decisions in her life.

Cut her off. Make sure that she knows that she can come to you, but you are not in the wrong here. She is, and this guy is even more so.

At some point she will realise that she needs food, shelter etc. and that these things costs money.

This is a shitty situation to be in, I know. (actually I guess I don't, since I have never been in anything similar, and I am not a parent).

Hopefully she will realise why you did what you have when she grows up -- have you tried explaining it to her? Keep on trying to be part of her life and your grandson's.

__________________
Do not confuse altruism with kindness, good will or respect for the rights of others. These are not primaries, but consequences, which, in fact, altruism makes impossible. The irreducible primary of altruism, the basic absolute, is self-sacrifice - which means: self-immolation, self-abnegation, self-denial, self-destruction - which means: the self as a standard of evil, the selfless as a standard of the good.

william

Sometimes it sucks being a parent. This is one of those times. Your daughter thinks she knows best - don't cave - be the parent! I know - sounds like a motherfucker, but you have to do it! A little one has been brought into this world through no choice of its own. Now it's time for his/her parents to step up to the plate.

tspikes51

I just turned 18 this March, and I still don't know completely what is right for me. My parents would have done the same thing for me if I would have been in the same situation (and if I were a female), and I think I would appreciate it eventually. I realize that they knew mostly what was best for me all along.

__________________
"I'm telling you, we need to get rid of a few people or a million."
-Maddox

bendsley

I think you did the right thing. Hopefully someday she will see your decision as wise.

As for the monetary support, if she won't accept it (if this happens), maybe he can pay you and you put it in a trust for the child.

__________________
"You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."

Rigor

This guys is a complete ass hole and i believe you are doing the right thing. I know a girl who is 16 and her BF is 27 plus her parents dont seem to think its wrong, they are doing nothing. granted there is no baby but he is taking advantage of her in every way possible.

If he wont take responsibility for teh child then you need to make him, the mother isnt doing her job either. Where do you think she got the idea about having hte DAD not pay child support? i bet it was him. Your daughter has to know thats wrong but i figure this guy is very controlling of her and makes her dicisions for her.

best of luck to you

Suave

Statutory rape is has very limited valid applications. There is a point, such as in this case (in my opinion of course) where it becomes stupid, and should no longer apply. A four year difference, that close to age of majority (for both of them) is almost nothing. Factor in the concpet that female mature faster sexually than males do, and you've got them on practically equal footing.

To the thread creator: I think it was a bad move to press charges purely on the father being 20 and your daughter being 16. I've read through here that he seems not to be a good father however, and that does change my perspective a bit. I don't know that pressing charged was still the best choice, as it did alienate your daughter, but certainly something should be done.

Herk

Well, all arguments aside, I believe that since they have a kid, they've already had sex. So, that is a moot point. I think it boils down to are you in the wrong for pursuing what you think is right for your daughter? Hell no aren't. She is your daughter and involved father or not your one job is to see that she is raised as you see fit. Now the technique you choose to use to accomplish this is up for argument here.

I say, if you think you are hurting your relationship by doing what you are doing, then stop. Maybe it is just justice you are seeking, but whats more important is how capable she is when she is on her own in a few years. An idea you might try is to say, "Okay, I'm backing off like you asked." One of two things can happen, everything could work out perfectly and she is happy that you backed off, or everything could go as you might expect: father or baby never helps or pays, daughter realizes that she made a huge mistake and that this guy is scum(if he is) and then learns something from that mistake.

Either way, she is likely to succeed in bringing up the child whether this guy goes to jail or not, so is all that really worth messing up a potential relationship with your daughter.

On the otherhand, maybe you stepping in is a good thing. Maybe she'll end up better off, and 5 years down the road, she'll thank you for butting your nose into her business. I think you should do whatever you see fit and I'll certainly not judge your decision. My daughter is only 3, and I hope never to be in your position, but if ever I am, I'll expect other parents to allow me to parent as I see fit.

Good luck, I hope everything works out well.

Herk

__________________
-Blind faith runs into things!-

JaySpencer

Sometimes life just throws hard decisions in your path. The fact is that your decision to press the SR charges is one that you can never rescind. He is now a felon, with a sexually related charge against him. You did that. I am not sure which way I would have gone on it if I had been in your shoes. If I had not been in an active relationship with my daughter for an extended period and made my presence known by that kind of action, I would be a hypocrit for all that I do at this time, but not seeing your situation first hand I am hard pressed to judge it, as I think I don't have all the facts. On the one hand, you know that you destroyed your relationship with your daughter, on the gamble that some day she will realize that you are right. In that special area of sympathy most reserve for strangers, I hope it happens, and that it does sooner, rather then later, because as I stated, what you did has no practical way to be reversed. Once again, I am not judging, because I can not, but I hope it was worth the price, and my hat is off for making the decision that you did. I am sure it took a hell of a lot to do it.

raeanna74

Personally I think you did right by her. If she can't see that what you've done is what she SHOULD have done already then that's her problem. Granted it's driven an wede between you and your daughter but that's her wedge that's there not yours IMHO.

My parents set very strict bounderies for me. Strangely enough they weren't nearly as strict with my younger brother. I ended up getting into trouble the minute I was out of the home because I so desperately felt I needed that outside control. I allowed myself to be controlled by an abusive boyfriend because it was comfortable. When I finally got away from all that control I had to learn to control myself. That was hard. But I think I learned it and learned not to be dependant on others for control over me. I said all that to say this. Your bounderies were intended to help. It seems they've not done what you desired. Now I think, especially since she's getting close to 18, it would be a good idea for you to step back and let her be. She refuses to talk to you? Don't try to talk to her. Sell that car, put the money into a savings account, but don't tell her about it. Save the money, if you are still afraid of her future, for when she has hit rock bottom and comes to you admitting that you're fears for her were justified. When you can see she's learned what she needs to from this then you can help her.

My younger brother who had few bounderies from my parents ended up pushing the limit in other ways. He literally dared my parents to set bounderies for him and they never did so until they were physically harmed by him. Some kids need more control and some need less but in the end they all need to learn to control themselves on their own. I fear the day that I have to step back and let my daughter deal with all her problems on her own as an adult. I know I will have to though.

Step back, let her deal with life, and let her know that you will be there when it all come crumbling down. Perhaps then you both can heal your wounds.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

sillygirl

Okay, I'll admit all I did was read the original post, but I want to be able to say my opinion/thoughts before reading everything else.

My parents always told me that if I were to get pregnant and the guy was 18, they'd press charges, even if I didn't want them to. My feelings on the subject are and were that if I seduced him and I wasn't held down and raped against my will, it's just as much my fault as his. When a girl is sixteen, she's old enough to know what she's doing and old enough to HAVE to accept the consequences. If the guy wants to accept the responsibility also and be a part of that child's life, let them be married and deal with it together.

HOWEVER. I also see your point of view and wanting to protect your daughter and your grandchild. Still, if she doesn't feel victimized, then take that into consideration. Sometimes you need to let your kid figure shit out on their own. She's going to feel the way she feels no matter what, and she may or may not get over it. Is it worth losing your daughter and your grandson (whom you obviously love)?

__________________

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

Herk

Well put sillygirl. I really like your last paragraph.

I'm not sure it is up to 3rd parties though to say when a person is ready to be held responsible for their decisions. We have to go by one of two ages: the one the law implements or the one the parent implements. All people are different and need to be raised based on that. Not one parenting technique will work for all. So maybe, because of that, some 14 year olds are responible enough to be held responsible. On the other hand, others struggle with self-responsibility up to and past 18, but that is where the law steps in.

"Sometimes you need to let your kid figure shit out on their own."
This is one of the most correct viewpoints I think a parent can have. Now, I don't think a parent should eschew teaching, but some things must just be learned by doing.

Herk

__________________
-Blind faith runs into things!-

victorjara

Well, I decided to do two things...back off now and let her make all her own legal decisions, and to write my daughter a letter clearing up my side of the street, and apologizing for the mistakes I made in some of my approaches.

About the same time I was deciding how to word the letter, my ex called and told me that I could come and see the baby (my grandson) while my daughter was out at school, which I did. Man, I missed him! But I felt sneaky. A few days later, my ex called and said that my daughter said I could go over there any time that she wasnt there and see the baby.

I wrote the letter, and took it over there and left it for her. I told her that I regretted going to court against her (the same result would have happened had I not gone to court), and told her that she was now an adult in my eyes, and could make all her own decisions and live with the results, that I would not be contacting courts, probation officers, child support agencies, etc. That I would not be escalating the situation any further, and that my only efforts would be towards healing our relationship.

She called me up that night and thanked me for the letter, told me I could come over any time I wanted to see the baby and her, and that she was sorry too for her anger.

IN RETROSPECT:

I think I took the correct approach...tough at first and then loosening up. The young man in question will see his charges reduced to a misdemeanor in 18 months (he's halfway there) if he stays out of trouble. After that, one good letter to the judge by his PO and myself (with my daughter's permission) will certainly result in having the conviction expunged completely from his record, or so I have been assured. So I think he will have learned, and grown up, without any permanent damage in the long run (it wasn't murder, after all). He has been ordered to get paternity tested, and that will cause child support to automatically happen, but that is no longer my business. I'll just trust that that will happen. I will financially help my daughter while she is in school, like I have always promised.

My daughter and I both learned, I think, that preserving our relationship and love, is more important than the details of life, no matter how troublesome, contentious, or provocative they may be. Neither of us liked what we had become, and the pain we both had to endure. We are still a long way from healing our relationship, but we are on the path, for the first time in several years. She agreed to go to counseling with me, which is a first for her.

I want to thank all of you who offered your perspectives and you honest feedback. They really helped me in formulating an approach to take with this. I don't know what I would have done without this forum. How else could I have gotten such a wide variety of input? And thank you as well, for your best wishes that were offered so many times. I guess that we can now close this thread, unless anybody has any final comments. I will post updates if and when things change.

Peace.

Cowman

I didn't read the thread, but pressing charges against the guy was a terrible, terrible thing to do. I mean, wow.

__________________
You don't like my point of view..but im insane

Suave

Looks like you handled it rather well from there, victor. I must admit, I didn't expect an outcome quite that good after reading your opening post.

Redlemon

I'm tearing up over here from that last post, victorjara. I'm so glad that the damage is being repaired by everyone.

canuckguy

glad to hear that things are getting better, the letter you wrote will go a long way in erasing old memories and making new ones as a happy family! also glad to hear that the dude will be paying up some child support as all parent should!

Seer666

It makes me happy to hear things are panning out. I was worried about the long term for you. I'm am glad things are looking up for you.

__________________
Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

Prince

Yeah. Throw the 22-year-old in jail, so the taxpayer will foot the bill for his living expenses. Right.

He didn't have sex with a child, he had sex with a minor. I'm 27 and I'm still my father's child, but I am not a minor as of 18 years of age. The law states that a 16 year old is a minor, but it doesn't specify him/her as a child. Make of that difference what you will, it's there. And by my personal standards, a 16 year old is not a child, albeit being a minor. Anyway, so much for that.

I don't know if I will have anything to say that hasn't been said already. One thing I definitely do not understand is why you're holding child support as some sort of a ticket or license for the father to see his child. Especially when his child is as little as he is. Has the guy had ample time to come to terms with the fact that he is a father, or did you slap those charges on him before the child was even born? Not all men are made equal, or even of the same mold. You seem to be doing quite well for yourself, and judging by your vocabulary as well as your ideals and moral standing I'd go as far as to guess that you didn't grow up on the streets, either. This "loser", as you have stamped him, has not established his place in life and isn't making even minimum wage. Instead of offering this new family your emotional support and love as they figure out what is happening and where they go from here, you attack them with every legal weapon you've got.

Someone mentioned that as long as young people feed off of their parents financially, they have to abide by their parents' wishes. This is total bullshit, if you ask me. If you write checks for your kids, you're doing it out of your own free - or perhaps not so free - will. You can choose either to help your child financially, or not to. Either way you should not expect your checks to purchase you some leverage in telling her how to run her life. Your decision to help should come without strings attached, or else it is an act of selfishness in my book.

Victor, your daughter is a mother now, at a relatively young age. If a young mother of a child needs anything, it is confidence and the ability to trust those around her. By treating her the way you have, you are not only making yourself untrustworthy in a time of need, but your actions are also questioning and undermining her ability to run her own life. This can very easily translate in her mind to you suggesting that she is not and will not be a fit mother to her child.

How about you take a step back and ask yourself, what is it that you have done that has earned you the right to remain involved in your daughter's and your grandson's lives? Other than the money you throw around.

__________________
Who is John Galt?

sillygirl

Did you not read his last post? Things are working out.

__________________

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

victorjara

Update: Paternity test shows guy not the dad . Family thrown into chaos once again. Daughter hates me again for pushing for test. Young man was contributing (ever so slightly) to child and bonded a bit. Child 1.3 years old. I feel it was important to know the truth, get child support if it was his, and not pin this on the guy if it was not his.

I still kept my promise not to interfere. The paternity test was court ordered from previous, although I did want it, did pay for it, and did coordinate the taking of samples.

Feedback??

Prince

Actually, all this time it seemed more like you were 500 % sure the kid was his, which is why you pushed for the test when she didn't; you wanted him to have to be financially responsible.

I'm sure he feels relieved about that, in more ways than one.

But you still get to have him prosecuted for his crime against humanity, so all's well I suppose.

__________________
Who is John Galt?

Bryndian_Dhai

I worked in the Louisiana state child support enforcement office for the last five years. I've seen more than my share of women who've named one man as the father, and fight and fight to get money from him. Several years later, the man decides to get his shit straight and asks for a blood test, and lo and behold the kids aren't his. There's no way to get the money back that he's spent, his credit is still fucked up and the kids are once again without a father. This doesn't serve anyone worth a damn.

I went back and read the original post... I personally don't think you did a damn thing wrong, and a lot of things right. I know right now that your family is all in chaos again. Remind your daughter that you and she have already settled your own differences, the test is in the past, and what's done is done, and that you have every intention of sticking with your word. I would tell her that if she wants to name another boy the father, that you will support what she wants....

As far as I'm concerned, the statutory rape charge against the first boy didn't have anything to do with the baby: he pled guilty, which means he had sex with her. That doesn't automatically mean he fathered the child. I'd also look into your state's child support enforcement office.... Usually offered through Social Services, it offers women the opportunity for a mediary to collect their support, usually there is free legal help, and paternity tests (well, the father is responsible for the paternity test costs if he tests positive as the father). Sometimes there is a fee, but I know that in Louisiana, the fee is waived for mothers on welfare or any state assistance.

Good luck. This is a sticky situation....

__________________
“When facism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.”
~Sinclair Lewis

heccubusiv

If you try to force her to do anything she will probably do the exact opposite, my sister (17) just had a child 10 months ago and we have been going through the same thing minus the statory charges, and you cannot tell her to do anything but I wonder it know it sounds awful but try to get custody of the child if she goes back with him and he does not man up. I have been trying to get my mom to do that cause my sister is defiently not responible enough for a child, she has never even had a job, so I am not sure how responsible your daughter is but if she is not responisble you have to do it for the childs sake.

dksuddeth

your daughter is now angry because she's been outed as 'promiscuous' and its probably embarrasing to her. You now have an opportunity to bring your family back on track as the head of the family. You can accept, and go on, that this guy isn't the father but still accept him and let him be the father(if thats what he chooses to do since he's bonded with the kid) and let your daughter know that its no longer important to you who specifically the father is. Let her know that the past is the past and from this point forward you go on with your lives and work out your differences.

__________________
"no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything. You cannot conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him."

Demeter

Over parenting now will not correct the problems your daughter is encountering now. You cannot change the fact that she is a mother. Like it or not, you're gonna have to let her peddle this bike on her own. She may fall, she may ride it okay. You need to be able to pick her up when she stumbles.
She obviously has issues with defiance, her choice of friends in her life shows that. If you push her to rid herself of this guy, she will push back.
We all make mistakes. Some people make bigger ones than others. This is one hopefully she will learn from. Give her a little time. Realize this father is in your life forever. He will always be around. You can choose to fight with them, or seek solutions together. Isn't the most important thing right now helping your daughter learn/educate herself enough to get a decent paying job to support her & her child?
Make that your battle.
By the way, I was stupid & got pregnant by a "rebel" dude when I was barely eighteen. I had to learn on my own I had made a big mistake. Happily divorced now, I support my kids all on my own. She'll come around, but it will take time. If my Dad had done the same things you did, I would have acted the same way. Don't we all think we are smarter than our parents at that age?
Good luck with this. You'll need patience & nerves of steel. At least when her world crumbles out from under her, she has a caring Dad to come to.

analog

I'm glad you updated, because now I get to tell you this and know you'll read it.

Well, your language and style from your original posts indicated to me that being a figure of authority came first, and being a father second. This is never the way to go, even if your goals were admirable or even (perceived by you) "correct".

So, not to be crass- but now you've proved your grand point, you've guarded the world against the evils of a 20-year old (who wasn't even the father, as it turns out) on your 16-year-old daughter. In the process, you've alienated your daughter to the point she won't even take a car from you.

I'll be waiting for the "my daughter turned 18 today and all her stuff is gone and I can't find her or my grandchild" thread. Maybe you'll luck out and she'll leave a note. And hey, if you're really lucky, she won't "cuss you out" on it.

I'm not trying to flame anyone here, but you're giving us this story and this is my honest opinion of the words you've strewn across the board here.