Arroe

Please excuse my long, boring post. You probably don't want to hear my problems but I need to let loose some stupid feelings.


For some reason my friends like to be complete assholes to me. I guess they think I don't really care because I ussually just laugh or something but what am I supposed to do? My group of friends are about 10 people; only 3 guys and 7 girls. I guess I play the part of the guy that everyone laughs at.

It pisses me off to no end and sometimes they'll be such asses I want to smack someone across the face but I don't want to make things worse for me. I know they probably don't mean to make me feel so upset but I don't think they know. I hang out with them every day and whenever I'm done hanging out with them I feel like shit. It's probably just normal high school drama (we're seniors), but sometimes when I'm driving home after hanging out with them I think about what if I just crashed, how would they feel then?

They call me things like awkward and shit because how the hell am I supposed to act when someone says some rude shit to me. I hate my stupid fucking nickname they gave me. I hate how they can't stop bitching and whining about every little thing. It's probably because they're all girls and think that our lives should be like fucking Laguna Beach (stupid gay show on MTV). Now when I hang out with them I don't even feel like talking anymore. I just sit there while they talk shit about me infront of me. One girl has noticed I am not right and has asked me if I'm ok but I just say i'm cool. My parents are mad because when I get home I walk straight to my room and bury my head in pillows or play my guitar.

I don't know why they treat me this way. I always go out of my way to be nice to everyone; I'll hold open the door, I'll spot them cash if they are out and I don't care if they never pay me back, I'll stick up for them whenever someone talks shit about them. I only wish that the saying "what goes around comes around" was worth a grain of salt, because I haven't had anyone say anything nice to me in weeks.

Sometimes I feel so shitty it feels like all the blood has drained from my head and legs and arms and I'll get shivering chills. I just want someone to tell my friends that they make me feel like crap and that they are not doing a good job of being friends.

I can't wait until I go to college and I can get away from all of this.

Schwan

People change. What was once a great friendship, can trun into crap in a matter of days. Friends are there to make you feel better, not to make you anxious, or feel ill at easy. If I had a problem like that, I'd say "screw it", and would forget about them, and I think I'd be better off.

Lebell

It reflects badly on your self opinion that you have "friends" who like to put you down and that you put up with it.

__________________
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis

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Arroe

well how the hell should i deal with it? I would punch someone across the face if it was a guy but it's mostly the girls who act like bitches, so I can't do anything.

it's also not like I can go find new friends. I am 5 months away from graduation, I might as well try to fix this.

gh0ti

I've gone through that a few times myself. In elementary/middle school I was that fat kid everyone picked on. I got to high school played football, and all of the picking on me just went away. I had a good group of friends and I really had a good time. I joined a frat my freshmen year of college and allot of the guys treated me like your friends seem to do, so I quit going around and went back to hanging out with some of the old high school friends.

My way of dealing with it was just moving on to a different crowd. It's not good for your self esteem/image for you to be treated like that, and you really deserve better. Let them know that your tired of that shit, stand up for yourself. If it doesn’t help, then move on with your life and know in the back of your head that you tried, and make your self feel good about trying.

__________________
I ain't often right but I've never been wrong
It seldom turns out the way it does in the song
Once in a while you get shown the light
In the strangest of places if you look at it right

Lebell

Yes, you can find new friends.

If you cannot talk to your current friends and have them change their behavior towards you out of respect, then this would be the best thing for you.

As it is, it sounds like you are the group scapegoat and not a 'friend'.

__________________
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis

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Arroe

I don't even know why they treat me like they do. I'm not ugly or anything. I'm in shape and weight lift everyday. Not to sound egotistical, but I'm arguably the best guitar player at my school. Trying to read them is impossible.

westothemax

Don't even worry about it. Something that I've learned going through high school and then university is that friends come and go all the time. Same time next year, after everyone has graduated and done their own thing for a little bit, see how things are between you and them. It'll be more pronounced by the end of your first year at college.

When you come back home during your breaks, you'll notice either 1. no one in the group has really grown up, and they still act like they did in high school (lots of drama, stupid stuff) or 2. everything seems different and you almost have to get to know them again.

This is going to sound cheesy as hell but don't stress yourself out on friends, just focus on your education and your family. Those are the two things that'll really count in college and after you graduate.

This is just my experience.

Stick

They definately aren't friends if they treat you like a piece of shit doormat. Stand up to the cunts. If you have to smack a couple of their heads together, then do it. If you keep rolling over like a dog they'll keep on attacking you. Dump them.

__________________
ominous adj.
Menacing; threatening. Of or being an omen, especially an evil one.

Rodney

It sounds like it's mostly the girls giving you the problem. You're being the nice guy, not asserting yourself, and they're smacking you around verbally because it's safe, they can, and they're miserable people (a lot of people are, at 17-18; some grow out of it). Teenage girls are no smarter or kinder or wiser or more responsible than teenage boys; they have a different set of priorities and different tactics, but they'll bully (in their girl way) defenseless people just like guys do. If you assert yourself and push back, they'll stop. Of course then they won't know what to do with you in the group; may not have a place for yourself.

And you may ask, why should I _have_ to push back? Why don't they just treat people decently? Good question. If they were reasonable people, you wouldn't have to. They're not reasonable people.

You say you're a good guitar player. What I would do is just drop these creeps, stop coming around. Go set up someplace public, at school or otherwise, and just play the guitar. People will come up to talk, believe me. Show an interest in the ones you like, politely ignore the ones you don't.

Rlyss

It's not because you're fat or a loser or a bad guitar player or too skinny or poor or a nerd or anything like that. These characteristics in victims of high school bullying aren't the reasons, these characteristics are just scapegoats, the victims are just scapegoats and it's really the bullies who have the problems with themselves.

This is a pack of high school girls - silliness and ignorance and scheming and backstabbing at its worst - it's a big melting pot of teenage angst and worry and they're looking for someone they can feel big to, someone they can push around to make themselves feel tough. To lots of people in high school this sort of advice doesn't seem true because the victims blame themselves and say that it must be because they're fat. People don't get picked on because they're fat, they get picked on because bullies assume a kid like that has low self-esteem and thus won't fight back, and in many cases it's true, so the fat kid doesn't fight back and the bully wins.

So after all that, my suggestion is to stand up to them next time, if it's just one of them that takes a jab at you just say 'Hey, give it a rest' with a disapproving look. Teenagers are looking for approval from people their age, if you make the individuals feel bad they should all fall in line. But hey, I say once you've told them each to give it a rest, move on. Like the others here have said, once you graduate high school you're not likely to ever see this people again unless you maintain the friendship, and I wouldn't suggest it. Just move on from that group and work on your own self esteem.

Remember that bullies fight the easy fights, the ones where they know the other kid won't fight back. That's what they mean when they say bullies are cowards. That's why bullies pick on the fat kid, or the poor kid, or the one that he or she knows has low self-esteem for any other reason, because they won't put up a fight. Bullies don't pick on jocks, do they? Because they know the jocks won't stand for it.

MSD

Because you let them do it. That's the only reason they need.

Ishmal

i agree with MrSelfDestruct,

but,

if you stood up2 a couple of them, either verbally or physically.(i'll let u decide) they will get more respect for u. teenage girls are not phycic(spelling???) , they can't read ur mind. they might not even know they are hurting u.

__________________
"Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular."

Arroe

yeah, I never thought about saying "Give it a rest."

I don't want to stop being friends with these guys because it's pretty much half the group that's the problem, the other half I get along with great. I don't want to go out and make a scene so I'll just let them know it's bugging me by acting a little more serious next time. My problem is I just laugh it off but it really hurts, pretty much because I try to be nice to them and I get shit back.

So yeah, I'll try to take your guys advice. Thanks.

MSD

If you get along with half of them, make a point of inviting that half of the group when you do something, and not the others. They'll catch on (unless they're stupid)

TopRamen66

If they are really making you feel that bad, just get the fuck up and leave one night, and never talk to them again. It is really not good to feel bad about yourself all the time because of what others say. I'd rather have no friends than friends that make me feel like shit, but I know its not that easy in HS.

Guthumba

Mr. SelfDestruct is 100% correct. They wil continue to treat you in this manner as long as your actions indicate to them that this is acceptable. By allowing this to occur without protest, you are telling them that it is okay--whether you intend to or not.

It's odd, but I've learned through my line of work that some people will not give you due respect until you show to them that you will not tolerate anyone shitting on you. You have to stand up for yourself and tactfully, but forcefully, indicate that they have to behave themselves if they are going to continue to communicate with you. By sitting back and brushing it off you make yourself the easy target. Sometimes, when tact just doesn't get the point across you have to go one step further by taking the muck that they throw and you and instantly hurl it right back at them. It's shocking how many times a tongue-lashing issued in response to a verbal jab is received with wide-eyed laughter--because they can't believe that the person finally stood up for themselves.

You should be less concerned with what these people are doing and more with the fact that you have been allowing it. College will bring more of the same if you continue to respond in the same manner. At some point you have to tell yourself that it is not their fault for saying these things, it is your fault for allowing it. If you do not, it will continue to eat you up inside and sour all your social interations. You will become that bitter guy that everyone rolls their eyes at...don't become that guy.

__________________
Locusts and honey ... not since John The Baptist has there been a voice like that crying in the wilderness. ... Every man knows he is a sissy compared to Johnny Cash -- Bono.

f6twister

If asserting yourself doesn't work, you could also try talking to the people who still treat you like you deserve to be treated. Have them talk to the others and let them know that you are unhappy with your treatment and would like them to stop treating you like crap. If they refuse to change, stop talking to them. They are not your friends if they treat you like crap. If they won't stop, then for you to say you don't want to lose them as friends is irrelevant. You lost them when they started this behavior.

Westtothemax is right. Once you graduate, you will make new friends. I only have two friends left from high school and I lost contact with them for a few years before renewing our friendship. You may also find that if you drop them for a while and talk to them again in a few years, they may be quite a bit different.

__________________
A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin

Vincentt

What is the nickname? I'm curious.

But yes, you shouldn't let them treat you poorly.
I don't think they are bad people, but the jokes and fun turned to you.
It became a running joke, to bash on Arroe.
They don't know, they assume all is fine.

Just stand up and tell them to shut up.

Girls are harder to deal with, I'd say drop the ones you aren't seeing naked, until they treat you better.

With the guys, sometimes you gotta return the jabs.

Locobot

When I was a freshman in high school I had a pretty horrible nickname. I was on the track and cross country teams and I was definitely the low man on the totem pole. At the time my teammates were the closest things I had to actual friends so it actually hurt quite a bit. At the year end school dance (not prom) all the team captains were grouped up and as I came near they all called out to me in their nickname for me. I stood up to them and said I wasn't a freshman anymore and they wouldn't be calling me that in the fall. And basically it worked, I never really heard that name again. I think most of the time people just don't realize how much nicknames can really hurt and get under your skin. You need to let them know.

munchen

Man, ya gotta stick up for yourself. At one time i used to be in a situation kinda like that. i swtiched schools after grade six and some guy at my new school went after me for no reason, labeled as a wuss and worse. I always got along well at my old school and never had anyone push me around so i wasnt sure what to do. I didnt think it was right to be mean and never fought back. It started catching on and i started to lose my new friends because of it. this used to piss me off big time. Guys that i wasnt afraid of started to throw insults at me and i realized that i didnt have to put up with that from them. i eventually stopped caring about their feelings and took my own into account. i fugured they lost their right to have my sympathy.I started to fired back. when they realized i could get them back and get people to laugh at themwhen they attacked me they backed off and i started to get some respect. i started making more friends after and to enjoy school.

Till this day i still encounter assholes that try to elevate themselves by standing on me. As long as there are assholes out there this will be a problem, it wont stop in college(it will get better). its easier to diffuse this situation it before it starts, but if you keep letting people walk on you they will. my advice is too just fire back. If they are your friends and you want to keep them i wouldnt be mean, just some ballbusting would suffice. If they get mean when you do that or gang up on you i would say get new friends. Life is to short to hang around with bad people.

You can stand up for yourself and still be a good person. It will make life a hell of alot easier.

FngKestrel

Many people have given good advice. You definitely need to stand up for yourself. If your friends don't respect you after that, then you need new friends.

I used to be really afraid of losing friends by being confrontational, but conflict and confrontations are a part of life. After moving from group to group and getting shit on a lot, I really found that most of the change had to come from within. It's great to be a nice guy and want to get along with people, but not everyone is as friendly as you and have no qualms about taking advantage of you. Trying to assert oneself is definitely a skill that doesn't come easily to some people. Hell, I still have trouble asserting myself without getting overly aggressive.

Your self-esteem is what's at stake here, and if you don't fix it, it'll haunt you in the future. Find a good network of friends that genuinely care about you.

irseg

The whole idea of having friends (I use the term loosely in your case) is to improve your life. Sounds like yours are more trouble than they're worth. The people you hung out with in high school really doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things. A few years into college, you probably won't even remember half of them. I graduated 5 years ago, and talk to one friend from high school on a regular basis.

My advice would be to remember that you are in complete control of who you choose to associate yourself with. It's well within your means to quit hanging out with them and find another group. You're in high school; you're around probably several hundred of your peers every day. In the mean time before you find other people, there's no law saying you have to hang out with people every weekend. Read a book, pursue a hobby, get a job, or something along those lines that's productive and fulfilling.

ronan

to be honest, i haven't read anyone elses replies..

from my experience in high school.. i can probably tell you some things..

we did this to a dude in our group as well... we played a soccer-like game in a small grassed area.. the goal was to get the ball to hit the other teams bin, any way you could.. this involved serious tackling... anyway, that was just fun.. but the issue was, there was a fence the ball used to always go over, and this fence was a bitch...

so we always made this dude jump the fence and get the ball, and if he didn't, we just threw his bag over the fence... or onto the roof.. or woteva...

and generally gave him a heap of shit...

but, seriously, all you gotta do, (and sure, it really pisses people off, and they might bitch, but who gives a fuck really...) but all you gotta do is get really cut (hurt) when people say mean shit, make them KNOW they're pissing you off, just say to them they're fuckwits and walk off for a bit...

in the end.. thats a way of not taking their shit, the alternative is to pick on someone else, or pick on them, OR be-friend the main offender...

in the end, in the end, just dont be PASSIVE... don't think about it, realise you deserve better... you do.. you just have to let those people know that.

__________________
i am enlightened

Lak

I agree with most replies here - either ditch them and get some new friends, or start counter-abuse and see how they respond.
Personally I'd just have ditched them, and long ago. I've disowned some of my long term friends for less.
Mind you, I'm a heartless bastard. You may want to try counter-abuse first.

__________________
ignorance really is bliss.

Arroe

my name is matt but everyone calls me mickey (it comes from my last name). it's not horrible but I like my real name and like when people call me by it.



These girls just play stupid mind games. Today I was sitting in my car with one of them and when she said something bitchy I just said "Why do you have to be such a bitch?" She's like "well you're really annoying sometimes."

What the fuck? I just bought her fucking starbucks and drove her around and I didn't do one thing annoying. maybe it's all the estrogen and she's on her period. who the fuck knows.

FngKestrel

Dude, she's using you like a doormat. Find some better friends.

Rlyss

"Why do you have to be such a bitch?"
"Well, you're really annoying sometimes."

Then either "Like when? Really, I want to know because I'm trying not to be." If she offers an example then you decide whether she's right or whether she's just being a bitch.

If she is being a bitch, then "Fine, out you get."

I'd have no problems kicking her out then and there, and if I was calm enough I might consider driving her home, then asking her to get out of the car.

As for the nickname, did one person start it and then others join in later? If you made some new 'friends' after that nickname caught on they're only using it because they think it's just how it is in your group. They probably think it's your real nickname because everyone else uses it and did before they came along.

Guthumba

Now just step back for a minute, pretend you are a complete stranger and read the above quote.

Take a deep breath.

Now think about the give and take nature of your relationship with these people...think about what you are giving and what you are getting back. My guess is that you are not getting anything for your efforts but grief.

If this is indeed the case, you need to cut ties with these people and stop being their doormat. People will take advantage of you as long as you enable them to do so...thus you simply need to make the decision--the concrete and irreversable decision--that you will not allow this any longer. You must decide that your time and companionship is valuable and, at the very least, THEY should be making an effort to spend time with you.

Maybe you don't believe this right now, and if you don't then fake. Fake it until you make it true. It sounds silly, but buy simply standing up for yourself and acting like you are worthy, people will start perceiving you as such.

You deserve more.

__________________
Locusts and honey ... not since John The Baptist has there been a voice like that crying in the wilderness. ... Every man knows he is a sissy compared to Johnny Cash -- Bono.

irseg

That's when you say "Oh my God, I'm SO sorry. I never realized how hard it must be for you to put up with me. I don't want to ever to put you through that again."

Then pull over and say "So get out. Now."

You need to get it into your head that it's your own fault for continuing to put up with that kind of treatment. The world is full of assholes who will walk all over you. They're won't get better, in 99.99% of cases there's nothing you can do to make them suddenly see the light and realize the errors of their ways, they're just assholes plain and simple. So it's on you to avoid wasting your time on them. Hopefully your experience with these "friends" will teach you how to recognize and avoid similar types in the future.

Stop calling them, and don't return their calls. Block their IM names. If they ask you to hang out, say you're busy. If they apologize and ask you to go hang out, understand that it's in all likelihood because they miss picking on you and respond accordingly. Life is really too short to put up with that kind of crap.

sailor

I dont know how to say this, but it sounds like you are "that guy" of the group--the one everyone tolerates, if for no other reason than to give you shit, but their appreciation of you goes no deeper than mere acceptance.

Look, they are treating you like shit, get out of there. By all means ask em what the hell is up. Maybe its just my slightly pessimistic world view, but I doubt that will change anything though. I know--in 10th grade I was in your position. Once I realized it after a few months of shit, I got out, found a new group of friends, and was all the better for it.

I know it sucks to hear it, but thats the way I see it--from experience. Get out of there, find a new group of people to hang with.

__________________
"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."
--Plato

Vincentt

I see I see, that nick name isn't THAT bad.

I have several groups of friends, and thus have gotten quite a few nick names.
The worst was 'bucket head' back in middle school.
The shop teacher didn't like me, and I didn't like him, and he coined this name.
I countered by calling him 'old man', or 'bald old man'.
The name wore off quickly as I called anyone who used it "the old mans bitch".

More recently my nick names have been fine, some annoying, but I give out plenty of bad nick names myself. And few stick because I don't respond quickly unless my name is called. Also, due to hanging out with several "groups" it is too hard to explain the names over and over.

The most sound advice I can give is "STOP buying things for girls."
If they are pissing you off, call them by their last names.
"hey micky"
"hey johnson, my name is matt"
I find last names are effective for 'nick name' type effect of distancing.

Clark

I once had friends try and impose a nuckname on me. I just did not responed to the nick name. If they used it in a story I would ask who they were talking about. I did not make a big show of it but just acted as if I realy did not know.

As for the rest I think maby it is time for some new friends this group dose not have your back.

__________________
Dyslexic please excuse the spelling.

MiSo

3 words:

get new friends.

if you let them walk over you, they're going to keep doing that.

zen_tom

walk away. you don't need them. if any of them are pleasant people, they will welcome the chance to hang out with someone who doesn't get a ride out of others.

People are weak, and easily follow the status quo, it may be the case that the others in that group feel exactly the same way you do, but are following the lead of the rest of the group. if you have the strength to walk, others may follow and you could end up with some of the same friends, but less of the aggravation. you'd be doing yourself AND them a favour.

Then again, no-one might follow. In that case, you can spend time doing the things you actually enjoy in life, concentrate on your finals, maybe even go out with some different people.

I disagree with the statements about letting people walk over you means that they will. It's not that simple, it's about living by a code of morals, and deciding to keep that code of behaviour when no-one else around you does. It's a hard hard thing to do, but it pays off in the end - at the end of the day, everyone lives by their own rules and not yours, and being restrained and polite etc in any situation can be a real strength later in life, and shows real strength now. it's easy to let yourself go and act the tough guy. it's easy to stoop to the lowest level of being unpleasant to someone else. it's easy to be a bitch. what takes strength is saying no to all that when it's going on all around you. if someone else joined the group who was bulliable in some way, ask yourself, would you join in? or would you resist temptation and be nice to them?

So, do whatever you have to do, but remember, this is YOUR time, make the most of it, don't waste it on people who are too weak to make a go of it on thier own.

rainheart

Straight dope:

The mistake you are making is that you are letting your friends push you around.
What you need to learn is that there is a balance of respect in any relationship, and you have, by being too nice to your friends, ruined this balance.

I had the same problem because I used to go out with my friends, I would get used by them to spot them cash, I would put up with their comments and their behaviours towards me, they would ass me into going out with them the night before a test, and other kinds of bullshit, like put me down with rude comments and whatnot.

What I did to put that balance back in it's position was simply, tell them exactly what the fuck it was about them that bothered me, how it was insulting to me, and how if they ever did it again I'd never want them to talk with me, and that they could go fuck themselves.

Example:
Friend: "Yeah man I'm getting laid tonight.... so what are you doing tonight...jerking off?"
Me: "You're a fucking moron, if you think I give a shit that you're getting laid you're sadly mistaken. This is the kind of shit that makes you look small. Don't ever insult me with bullshit like that again."
Friend: "But wait that wasn't what I was talking about man, holy shit you're reading too deeply into it!"
Me: "Don't try to insult my intelligence with that bullshit, I'm not fucking stupid. Don't talk to me untill later."
(Or you walk away instead of telling them to leave, whatever)
[Yes, this happened to me]


If you drive a car, if you drive these losers around, tell them to get the fuck out of your car and dump them somewhere, tell them to get their shit straight.

Here's the thing, you can be a good person, you can be moral and you don't have to be an asshole to other people so that you don't get hurt. All you have to do is become good at spotting this crap when it happens, and summing it up through words and spitting it back at the person who does it against you. Tell them what they've done and why you don't like it, tell them you will never give a fuck about them if they do it to you, and tell them you don't want their friendship if that's what they have to offer.

Don't be afraid of losing your friends, ever. Friends are incredibly easy to make.

The next time they call you up say you're busy and can't be bothered. If they whine, tell them you have to go and not to call you again untill later because you are going to be busy. Talk to them in a manner which indicates you don't care about what they have to say or whatever it is they want to do with you.

Your friends have to earn YOUR respect, not the other way around. Especially since you are the one that is nice.

thecoldone33

Stand up to them If they continue to give you problems just leave. Find some new friends while your at it.

Boo

Real friends don't treat you like a loser. Find a few really good friends. When you feel you are being used, you probably are.

__________________
Back button again, I must be getting old.

outdoor

yeah, whatever everyone else already said...or just start drinking

Arroe

well tonight I was with a good friend of mine over at one girls house along with another girl. These two girls are the worst of the group. They didn't say one nice thing to me and they talked shit about the other kids' girl friend right infront of him. They got pissed at me for sticking up for him.

So I just got up and said "Mike, let's go." And we just left. And drove. And I felt like shit. I just put my head back and was pretty quiet. I couldn't really feel. They fucked me up again.

This time though they tried calling us but we just hung up on them. They text messaged me and told me they hated me.

After driving around a little bit with my friend he was tired and dropped me off at home. I still feel like shit. I'm just listening to the Deftones and I want to take a walk.

The girls are at some fucking party and my friend tried calling them and talking to them. They don't realize how they are so hurtful and shit, and they don't understand how they fucked up. I feel so bad... I want to fucking cry.