Poetry

I've been having trouble dating lately.

Not getting dates, but actually going on them.

Back story: I usually alternate between serial monogamy and assertive, over-active dating. The latter really means that I'll take a friendly lover (or, at one time, I was cycling five-- yes, they all knew) and go out with a bunch of other men without sleeping with them while I determine if I want them to be a regular partner. You know, sexual quality control. I've been doing this from the age of 18 to 25, it's something I'm very comfortable with, that makes me happy, and I manage to do it with complete mental health and respect for all parties involved.

When I was 25, I met a man who seemed like excellent regular sex partner material. A mid-forties swing king, with a partner count who blew the roof off of mine, very successful business owner. But, for the first time, someone I designated for sex only turned into something emotionally serious. It became the most intense relationship I have ever been in. Off and on again and again, we broke all of our personal rules regarding relationships-- something that I simply did not do and something he never did for anyone. Eventually he proposed. To celebrate, in his own way, he took me to an orgy. Watching the people around me, the drunkeness, the drugs, the disrespect, knowing that my fiancee was about to open his own adult club in the middle of Hollywood, realizing that I did not want to lead the life that marriage to him would entail, I broke the engagement.

Things went downhill rapidly, and I ended up being pulled out of the situation by another man, someone I had been dating when the (ex)fiancee and I had been in an "off" phase.

This all sounds so... not me. I sound uncontrolled and inexperienced. But I'm not, which makes it worse. If I had read this, if one of my friends had expressed this situation, I would have slapped her upside the head.

But once you get in it, it's hard to see, hard to detach.

I ended up dating my rescuer, another mid-forties man in the adult industry, immediately, clinging to him while I recovered. Which is never healthy for a relationship. I usually force myself to take at least a few months off of dating after a long-term relationship ends, but I did not this time.

We connected so well. But then my constant low-level anxiety started spiking daily. I didn't heal right from the previous relationship. It caused constant issues, and he tried to be patient with me, but other problems surfaced.

So, after a year, we ended it. Friendly terms, but over.

Normally, this is when I would take a month or two to collect myself and then find a one-night stand or two to get the what I call "awkward rebound sex" out of the way. (That oddness that you feel when you sleep with someone new after a long period of sex with the same person. I don't believe in doing that with someone that I am interested in dating... hence the "awkward rebound sex" title.)

Well, I tried. I tried with strangers, but I experienced anxiety attacks. So I thought, hey, I'd try with a good friend, maybe I need that emotional connection now that I'm older. But another round of anxiety hit and I had to stop him. I waited a month, maybe two, and tried again, went out with a man I've wanted for the last nine years. We fooled around a little, I thought it would be fine, but when we went for our third date, I ended up having a hysterical fit in my closet for about thirty minutes prior to meeting him.

We didn't go out again. He posted a picture of him making out with some girl on his Facebook today. I was more relieved than anything.

So I'm not dating. I'm not having sex. I'm not looking for sex. When someone makes me an offer, my body starts to shake and I quickly turn them down so the shaking will stop.

My friends are concerned. -I'm- concerned. This isn't like me, this has never been like me. I'm the one that people go to for sexual advice. I'm the one that coaches my friends through one-night stands and maintaining regular lovers, or simply catching a good one.

I want to think that time will heal this, but I'm not certain that's true. There's a problem in me, somewhere deep. Somewhere that, even while I explain this, I can't find it. Does it need to be addressed? Does the issue need to be forced? I wonder if I should force it. Finally accept one of the proposals that comes my way and let someone break through this shell. I have so many interested male friends, old partners, new acquaintances to choose from.

And then there's the dating without immediate sexual intent. That's not working at all. Simply being asked sends me into freak-out mode. I've tried. I've cancelled every date the day of or the day before. I tried putting up a profile on a dating site, thought maybe that if I got to know someone by text first, it would help, but I ended up shutting it down because whenever I received a message, I'd go into panic mode.

I feel like I have a wound running through me, like something that was essential has been cut out of me. I don't feel myself and I'm worried, almost frightened, that I'll never be able to heal enough to get back to who I was.

I'm lonely, which doesn't happen often. I miss having a companion, even if just a physical one. I want someone to come in and help heal me, it's so tough to do it on my own, especially since I've never experienced anything like this and my usual ways of dealing with my damages aren't working. But it feels weak to want that help, to say that I'm unable to do it on my own. It feels greedy to ask another person for so much emotional assistance, and I know there are therapists, good ones, but I would want more than the relationship office counseling would offer.

I'm not sure what to do.

Advice? A new viewpoint? Force the sex issue, confront the problem? Force the dating issue, confront the problem? Let it lie, hope it heals over, and that when I do meet someone worth dating, it won't be a psychological bear-trap that will ruin the relationship? Another alternative?

__________________
"You know what? Fuck the moon! He controls our water and our women. I've had enough!"

keymaker

Hi Poetry...first let me say I enjoy your posts and the energy you have. It is quite refreshing! Sorry to hear you have this issue it is a little unusual and I can see how it would worry you. Has there been any other "big issue" that has happened in your life either mental or physical?

KirStang

Do you think you may subconsciously regret breaking it off with your fiance? Usually when I engage in a pattern of uncharacteristic behavior, it's because I'm avoiding something that's troubling me below the surface.

__________________

Poetry

Hehe, thanks. I'm a bit enthusiastic at times.

There was another big issue, I wasn't sure if I should mention it as it wasn't exactly on topic.

During the time I was dating my ex-fiancee, before the engagement, my father underwent a sleep study because he was constantly exhausted, even after a full night's rest. After the study, the doctor prescribed my father something to help him sleep.

He reacted badly to it. Already manic-depressive, it sent him into a growing manic episode that lasted about three months, cresting in December (2009). I had just moved back in with my family to go to school full-time (didn't happen after the incident). My mother had to flee the house, I had to sneak my sister and myself out at 4AM. He went crazy. Psychotic rages, rants, not sleeping. Got himself fired from his job. We couldn't call the police because of what he had been doing for a living. I had to take over, take care of my mom, my sister, sneak into the house to get clothes for them, never knowing if he would be there or not. He tore the house apart. We had to evacuate the cats so he wouldn't hurt them.

He started to collapse on Christmas Eve, so we were finally able to get him to a hospital. He still had the energy to rage, though, and to run. I had to put myself between him and my mother and little sister, not knowing what he would do to me. Making the choice to sacrifice him instead of them.

It was rough.

And, yes, it's possible that my dating anxiety and my father's incident are related. God knows I have more trust and general anxiety issues now than I did before it happened.

My head, it's really a tangle.


Kirstang,

I don't regret breaking it off with him. I -do- regret that I needed to. I regret that we couldn't work it out. It hurts that there were parts of his life that he would never change for me, knowing the damage such activities would do to me, emotionally. When he proposed, to convince me, he said he would give up certain things, make certain compromises. I was thrilled, amazed, and beyond shocked. I never asked him to change, only told him what I needed in a relationship.

But once I said yes, things went back to normal.

It's a bit disheartening to know that someone can tell you that they love you, that they want to spend the rest of their life with you, but not at the cost of unhealthy, unneeded activities.

__________________
"You know what? Fuck the moon! He controls our water and our women. I've had enough!"

Manic_Skafe

It sounds to me like you made the brave choice to fall in love and take some risks along and the way and ever since things failed to pan out as expected you've been denying yourself the space and time needed to heal and adjust thus dooming your already quite questionably founded relationships henceforth.

Take solace in the fact that while you've got a lot going on and a hell of a lot within yourself to make sense of, so does everyone else. We're all open and malleable to our circumstances and as scary as it may be to admit, we're all a hell of a lot more vulnerable than we imagine. Terrifying as it is, being shaken to the core of whom we believe ourselves to be is to be posed with the opportunity to go forward having learned from what's happened to become better, healthier and more balanced people.

Trust yourself well enough to get through this and you'll be all the better for it. Go it alone for as long as you need and eventually you'll know when you're ready to start dating again.

(also, I wouldn't downplay the severity of your anxiety attacks. A therapist would help make sense of all of this but were I in your shoes I'd resign myself to professional help at least in coping with the anxiety.)

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

Remixer

In all honesty, your frequent changing of partners (no matter how many "sex quality control measures" you applied) and forced emotional distance from your lovers before your ex-fiancée implies much deep-seated issues within you to me. Insecurities, simply put. I believe several factors play a major role in your current state, three of which I'd say to be the situation with your father causing damage, the mix of the father-situation and breaking up with your ex-fiancée, and the likely fact that both your father and your ex-fiancée were men you put deep trust and love into only to see it all wash down the drain (father going crazy, and ex-fiancée deeply disappointing you).

However, the entire issue and how it is best handled shouldn't be speculated on by strangers without the necessary training. There are very good reasons to go to a professional, certified psychologist than have your own friends/relatives guide you through this.

A psychologist is a paid stranger one opens oneself to and gives objective statements, whereas friends/relatives very often lack the necessary objectivity, and are prone to give their untrained and often false opinions. A psychoanalysis takes many months and a lot of going as deep as possible into yourself to learn who you really are at your core.

Psychologists/Therapists are trained to help you with the very most of your internal issues over a lengthy period of time.

My advice would definitely be to seek out a good Psychologist and get yourself analysed. Don't force anything, or let things simply idle within you. Issues like that have a tendency to either get worse over time, or to disappear but cause other cracks to show up.

Hope this helps.

Cheers

kramus

If you are looking for a quiet, not-quite-in-the-box (is that a pun? do I care?) and undemanding way to begin to untangle your thoughts around the OP. I suggest you begin writing for blogs/literotica sites. Even better (because TFP appreciates membership contributions and your net-voice sounds like you are a knowledgeable, skilled communicator) write erotica as a form of exploration and therapy right here in the writing Creativity section of TFP. You get to mull over, explore, and even really push things in a mental laboratory way while being both creative and sharing in a safe, non-confrontational and rather controlled environment that still gets feedback from a range of 2D folks (such as myself ).

Not saying my suggestion would bear any fruit other than you having put words in a row somewhere online, but it is a start, and I am always a proponent of exercising one's creativity as an approach to such personal and contemplative issues.

__________________
And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

MrFriendly

I would echo the sentiments of getting some counseling. It sounds like there's something bubbling away under the surface there that isn't going to go away until you find out what it is and find some way to deal with it, or at least accept that it's there.

But I think at the moment if you're just not comfortable hooking up with people, then simply don't until your ready. There's no point agitating your anxiety while you're not fully aware of what is causing it.

I you figure it all out though Poetry, you seem pretty switched on :-)

__________________
You are not a slave

Ourcrazymodern?

You know, Poetry,
if you write it on purpose,
it won't always flow?

Trying to open
anyplace that isn't closed
is maneuvering.

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

chinese crested

Okay Poetry. A confession. I dont think men want to date me and have sex - because they are worried my brain will blow up again as my blood pressure will rise and they will find themselves with their little stiffy stuck inside a big stiffie - then theres the fear of public ridicule for bring caught corpse or even coma humping. Now I hope that at least made one corner of your mouth twitch.
Be true to yourself Poetry. Sure the Diva in you will make an entrace when she is ready.

Poetry

Kramus,

I've actually been blogging for years. Almost a decade now. I have various little caches scattered around the web where I've tried (and sometimes succeeded) to get my thoughts in line.

I have my own website, actually. Just for my blog. Used to update almost daily, but the last few months... not at all. It just hurts. It hurts to go there-- makes me depressed. So I've stopped. At least for now. I think about taking it down sometimes but I haven't yet. Probably should. It feels not quite right anymore.

Manic Skafe,

I find it hard to view most other people as vulnerable. They don't really show it, most of the time. I do need to get my anxiety in check, and I know a therapist would probably help. Good health insurance would probably help more, and I'm working it getting it.

Chinese Crested,

Hehe, it did cause a "Scanners" flashback and make me grin, yes. I also got your message... just collecting my thoughts about it.

__________________
"You know what? Fuck the moon! He controls our water and our women. I've had enough!"

UnclearContent

Consider it overly simple, but time off from any sort of sexual/emotional (more than friends) relationship may help. Maybe a year. Maybe more. Big emotional incidents like the ones you've gone through can muddy things upstairs, and giving yourself a break may give you a chance to actually recover.

I second (or third) looking into counseling. See if you can find a counselor who's non-judgmental. Ask around.

Lonely? You will be. Spend more time with friends. Yes, it sucks, but you recover when you rest, and it sounds like you could use the break.

thirtiesgirl

Poetry, I don't know you, but from what you write here, it sounds like you're pretty smart about taking care of your emotional and physical needs when it comes to casual sex, dating and finding relationships. I've operated in much the same way in the past, dating several partners to determine which person might be the best fit for a long term relationship, as opposed to jumping into immediate sex and a monogamous relationship after dating someone only once or twice. It's a practice I'd continue if I was dating now (I've given up dating for now, and given up hope of finding the right partner for me in the place where I currently live).

But relationships, however and why ever we get into them, take a toll on our emotional state when they're over. And it sounds like this one took a pretty big emotional toll on you, such that it seems like you're almost afraid to date again for fear of feeling something so intense for and with someone else again, and the possibility of being deeply hurt by them again. I'd definitely agree with those who have recommended talk therapy. I can think of nothing better to help us work through our deep emotional issues. It has helped me through the end of several relationships.

I found my current therapist through a community counseling center. For the first several years I saw her, I paid no more than $20 per hour. The counseling center offered sliding-scale fees, which means that the clients pay as much as they can afford per counseling session. After a few years, they usually re-evaluate your finances (basically, they ask if you can afford more), and most of the time I've been able to. My fees wouldn't go up more than $5 per session every couple of years, so it wasn't a big expense for me.

As is the case with many counseling centers, they don't always place you with a therapist you feel comfortable working with at first. The first therapist I saw at the counseling center was a woman my age who was very nice, and a good reflective listener, but I wanted her to do a little more than just say, "uh-huh, that sounds like it was awful," all the time. I asked to be switched to a different therapist and within a week, the counseling center found another woman who's older and a little more experienced with therapy. We've had a good therapeutic relationship ever since.

I'd strongly recommend giving therapy a try and see how it works for you. It's not going to be instantaneous by any means, but give it 6 to 8 months and see how you feel. And maybe don't date until you're ready to, the anxiety goes away and the panic attacks disappear. Don't put yourself through more than you need at the moment.

__________________
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. — Dorothy Parker

chinese crested

If you have a buddhist monastery within distance, they are very nice gentle people, and if you ask them they will help you learn to breath through it and come to a tranquil state of mind. Honest. I still try and bring the memory back when I am at the dentist - and when they were trying to get lumbar puncture needles in I tried it - but mostly they thought there was something else srong with me - 'no, I am just breathing'. and things like - 'what are you trying to do? Shove a corkscrew in my back!' - the morphine was much better working - but the days of Coleridge have long past.

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.

So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover!
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!

A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me
That with music loud and long
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice!
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed
And drunk the milk of Paradise.


Ever feel you were born out of time?

high_jinx

i have a similar story from a male perspective. i grew up in l.a. and real quick at that, running circles around my parents from the age of 13 basically. i was quite the player all the way up to 20, but then my consciousness changed and i didn't care for flimsy hookups; only genuine relationships with possibilities. i met the love of my life @ 23, and that lasted 2 years or so.

fast forward 15 years and my love life's been very sparse. i can count my relationships on one hand, and actual partners equal half of that. but that's not from a lack of opportunity; it's really just from having learned exactly what i want coupled with not wanting to string someone along or leave them hurting when i know they're not it.

i've learned to enjoy my alone time and actually kind of worry about having enough if i get into a relationship.

lately though, i've been getting into particularly good shape and getting a lot more attention when i'm out and about, but i've been really nervous about flirting because i've isolated myself for so long.

so all in all, i try to just stay aware of my state of consciousness. i gauge how i'm feeling and if i'm lonely i get out there and throw around some mojo. if i'm fine alone i stay in.

i recommend the same for you. if you're freaked out by attention or hooking up, ease back and wait till you've a hankering for it. stay aware and take baby steps till you are with the right person, and in the right time and place.

especially with your family issues, you have enough on your plate and your anxiety about hooking up should subside along with that scenario. best of luck.

__________________
-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.

MrFriendly

You know, that just articulated one of my own big fears. It's often been a factor in subconsciously sabotaging things with women before they ever really go anywhere.

I'm just so comfortable and used being alone and unaccountable the idea of being with someone, even though I'd quite like to be, freaks me out a bit.

But really, regardless of what games we all play and choices we all make, we only ever really trade one set of complications for another. I guess it's a matter of what is most important to us at the time.

__________________
You are not a slave

chinese crested

This is why there is a bolster of little dogs running down the middle of my bed even as I type. I have to go down make their tea in a bit. I had the love of my life and he died in 1993. I did try having relationships after, but ifs not good lying in bed with someone after doing the matress mamba and sobbing because you have been unfaithfull, or because you wish it were him instead, and you could rub his knees with your toes - because thats how far down your legs go when your heads share a pillow. My love would have been kicking me up the arse repeatedly over the years since - he used to say 'Life is for running at'.
I have had others who have broken and tried suicide - some succeeding. True I miss things like conversations - although we have them, they tend to be one sided. One does say 'Ah go-on-go-on-go-on - like Craggy Islands Mrs Doyle - and both over the want of tea.
Poetry - because I know you have been feeling a tad downturned at the mouth corners of late, I will divulge another secret of the ancients to you. - If men hear you having an asthma attack whilst under them, it gives them greater confidence as to their sexual prowess as they consider it to be like making a comment of a positive nature. In fact, the closer you get to 'drowning in air', the more they respond like amature thespians recieving flowers, cheers and accolades - its called 'basking in the glory' I think (bearing in mind on my thoughts - last week I tried to pay for the dogs drugs with a bus pass, and when I did pay I left them behind and drove the five or six miles home. If I had remembered to take my mobile, I would have gotten the calls from the surgery and turned back.)

AbelG

To overcome all of those, you're tough. I suggest that you sea doctor or a specialists. That can help you get away from your negative vibes. Try doing Yoga to release the negative energies and socialize. That way, i can say that you can develop a harmonious relationship with others making you feel comfortable.