Poetry

I've been having trouble dating lately.

Not getting dates, but actually going on them.

Back story: I usually alternate between serial monogamy and assertive, over-active dating. The latter really means that I'll take a friendly lover (or, at one time, I was cycling five-- yes, they all knew) and go out with a bunch of other men without sleeping with them while I determine if I want them to be a regular partner. You know, sexual quality control. I've been doing this from the age of 18 to 25, it's something I'm very comfortable with, that makes me happy, and I manage to do it with complete mental health and respect for all parties involved.

When I was 25, I met a man who seemed like excellent regular sex partner material. A mid-forties swing king, with a partner count who blew the roof off of mine, very successful business owner. But, for the first time, someone I designated for sex only turned into something emotionally serious. It became the most intense relationship I have ever been in. Off and on again and again, we broke all of our personal rules regarding relationships-- something that I simply did not do and something he never did for anyone. Eventually he proposed. To celebrate, in his own way, he took me to an orgy. Watching the people around me, the drunkeness, the drugs, the disrespect, knowing that my fiancee was about to open his own adult club in the middle of Hollywood, realizing that I did not want to lead the life that marriage to him would entail, I broke the engagement.

Things went downhill rapidly, and I ended up being pulled out of the situation by another man, someone I had been dating when the (ex)fiancee and I had been in an "off" phase.

This all sounds so... not me. I sound uncontrolled and inexperienced. But I'm not, which makes it worse. If I had read this, if one of my friends had expressed this situation, I would have slapped her upside the head.

But once you get in it, it's hard to see, hard to detach.

I ended up dating my rescuer, another mid-forties man in the adult industry, immediately, clinging to him while I recovered. Which is never healthy for a relationship. I usually force myself to take at least a few months off of dating after a long-term relationship ends, but I did not this time.

We connected so well. But then my constant low-level anxiety started spiking daily. I didn't heal right from the previous relationship. It caused constant issues, and he tried to be patient with me, but other problems surfaced.

So, after a year, we ended it. Friendly terms, but over.

Normally, this is when I would take a month or two to collect myself and then find a one-night stand or two to get the what I call "awkward rebound sex" out of the way. (That oddness that you feel when you sleep with someone new after a long period of sex with the same person. I don't believe in doing that with someone that I am interested in dating... hence the "awkward rebound sex" title.)

Well, I tried. I tried with strangers, but I experienced anxiety attacks. So I thought, hey, I'd try with a good friend, maybe I need that emotional connection now that I'm older. But another round of anxiety hit and I had to stop him. I waited a month, maybe two, and tried again, went out with a man I've wanted for the last nine years. We fooled around a little, I thought it would be fine, but when we went for our third date, I ended up having a hysterical fit in my closet for about thirty minutes prior to meeting him.

We didn't go out again. He posted a picture of him making out with some girl on his Facebook today. I was more relieved than anything.

So I'm not dating. I'm not having sex. I'm not looking for sex. When someone makes me an offer, my body starts to shake and I quickly turn them down so the shaking will stop.

My friends are concerned. -I'm- concerned. This isn't like me, this has never been like me. I'm the one that people go to for sexual advice. I'm the one that coaches my friends through one-night stands and maintaining regular lovers, or simply catching a good one.

I want to think that time will heal this, but I'm not certain that's true. There's a problem in me, somewhere deep. Somewhere that, even while I explain this, I can't find it. Does it need to be addressed? Does the issue need to be forced? I wonder if I should force it. Finally accept one of the proposals that comes my way and let someone break through this shell. I have so many interested male friends, old partners, new acquaintances to choose from.

And then there's the dating without immediate sexual intent. That's not working at all. Simply being asked sends me into freak-out mode. I've tried. I've cancelled every date the day of or the day before. I tried putting up a profile on a dating site, thought maybe that if I got to know someone by text first, it would help, but I ended up shutting it down because whenever I received a message, I'd go into panic mode.

I feel like I have a wound running through me, like something that was essential has been cut out of me. I don't feel myself and I'm worried, almost frightened, that I'll never be able to heal enough to get back to who I was.

I'm lonely, which doesn't happen often. I miss having a companion, even if just a physical one. I want someone to come in and help heal me, it's so tough to do it on my own, especially since I've never experienced anything like this and my usual ways of dealing with my damages aren't working. But it feels weak to want that help, to say that I'm unable to do it on my own. It feels greedy to ask another person for so much emotional assistance, and I know there are therapists, good ones, but I would want more than the relationship office counseling would offer.

I'm not sure what to do.

Advice? A new viewpoint? Force the sex issue, confront the problem? Force the dating issue, confront the problem? Let it lie, hope it heals over, and that when I do meet someone worth dating, it won't be a psychological bear-trap that will ruin the relationship? Another alternative?

__________________
"You know what? Fuck the moon! He controls our water and our women. I've had enough!"