Anonymous Member

I'm protective of my personal space & my home
If I invite you to my home, I feel like I'm opening up to you or revealing myself a bit.
I expect certain behavior from my friends

Have you ever invited a group of people over simply to have 2 people show up, and then unknowingly add salt to the wound by asking where everyone else is?

Is there any feeling quite like a failed social event hosted under your name?

I've been invited to the occasional outing. Some of my friends n such, birthday parties, etc...

Pretty easy for them to get 10+ people to show up it seems. I invite those same people to my place and for some reason it's a dud.

I'm starting to feel completely alone at times.

Latest case in point happens tonight.

Back in September, me and my friend wanted to catch the showing of "9" when it hit theaters, but he simply had no time in the afternoons/nights to go and see it, or he was short on money, so it never happened. He was kind of bummed. Me, being the thoughtful friend, months later grabbed it on the media center and invited him to come watch it when he got a chance.

To elaborate: my friend and I live in the same apartment complex, he's a mere 15 second walk from my door.

He never showed up, I kept reminding him every other week or so that I still had it if he wanted to watch it, and I didn't watch it because I figured if he was going to come watch it anyway, no point in watching it twice in case I didn't like it.

Now, granted, this wasn't a main "focus" for me at any point, I wasn't obsessing over him watching the movie, or rushing, I mean this is just something that's been bouncing in and out of our interactions over the last 3 months.

If he had never come and saw it, I wouldn't have minded really.

Well, apparently what happened tonight just kinda cast my friend and our situation in a new light that made me question my perspective of this whole thing.

Uninvited, I just bounce over and see what he's up to and I pretty much walked in on him, a bunch of our other neighbors, and his roommate watching this movie on their TV.

All of a sudden I just felt kinda... bad.

Not sure what it was. I was there to see my friend and all I could focus on is that he pretty much invited all these people to watch a movie that he knew I had sitting at my place, on a much nice television (big screen theater and all) and they're just doing there thing on a little 25" tube tv.

I just felt unwelcome at that point and left. I feel like he's unappreciative of my friendship or the things I contribute to that friendship.

Been friends with the guy for over 10 years now and it felt like the one friendship I could count on to be there, but then I realized, he hasn't come over once in the 6+ month I've been his neighbor.

I'm really just upset about the whole thing and I'm not even really sure why.

Lucifer

Lose him, he's an unnecessary drag on your emotions and an asshole to boot!

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I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.
- Job 30:29

1123, 6536, 5321

Sherlock

Treat people as friends when they are deserved.
Treat people as jerks when they show they are jerks.

Human gets hurt.
I guess one just move on and find another better friend.

dlish

i sense deeper feelings than just friendship from you.

maybe this is where all your issues stem from?

maybe he senses this and wants to keep it that way?

im not sure, im just throwing things out there. but do tell me if im wrong

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An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

MrFriendly

I'm someone that can empathise greatly. I suffer from pretty nasty bouts of depression, and for reasons I won't go into, get very socially paranoid. I read far too much into things. It's something that I've learned to control and can see it for what it is.

One thing I have learned is that it is vary easy for people to get wrapped up in their own little worlds, often to the neglect of other people who you didn't mean to neglect. I've done it a number of times to friends and family, and they've done it to me. I've at times felt the same way towards friends for similar reasons as in the OP, only to learn they've going through all kinds of hell or genuinely forgot.

It happens. People do things like that to us and we do it to them without even thinking about it, because as I said, it's easy to just get rapped up in your own world sometimes.

My honest advise, take a deep breath and chill out. If it really is something that's bothering you, talk to him about it, give him the chance to respond. If you let feelings and emotions like this fester you end up inventing reasons to be mad or hate people when it was a just a misunderstanding.

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You are not a slave

Anonymous Member

we're both straight males, it's purely a friendship thing. I just expect my friends to be a little bit more responsible with my kindness than that. I didn't expect anything in return for it, but basically what happened is my offer sat on the table, and I walked in on what appeared to be a scenario which both canceled out my offer and excluded me from the activity since I clearly wasn't invited. I think the only reason it stung me is that when I sat down and thought about it, it really just came to light how often that my attempts at engaging my friends in social activites get shit on like that.

It's the kind of thing that makes you sit there and wonder if the problem is just with you, and not your "streak" of bad attempts.

Hence, wondering if I'm just being a needy bitch. (non-feminine)
Again, Hetero Adult Male

dlish

/facepalm

sorry i read the reference to the word bitch as referring to yourself as female...

sorry dude..carry on

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Manic_Skafe

I'm certain that anyone put in that position would feel exactly as hurt and betrayed as you do. And while it may just be you, I'm less convinced that any of this says more about you as an individual than it does about the role that you play in this particular social circle. It's hurtful and it sucks but it's really not worth the analysis when there are so many other people on this planet.

You're in the minority as you appear to be a thoughtful and caring person, invest your time in people that can appreciate that rather than friendships that are more like pulling teeth than true camaraderie.

Edit: And if you find this friendship worthy of pursuing then Mr. Friendly offers excellent advice.

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"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

GreyWolf

Sensitivity is a spectrum... and to people on either end, those at the opposite end are simply incomprehensible.

I can easily relate to your feeling, but I've come to realise that there are people out there who are totally oblivious to how their actions can be perceived as slights or hurtful by others. Your friend seems to be one of those people who are constantly amazed when they offend you because they don't INTEND to insult or abuse you, almost as if an insult or offense is real ONLY IF intended and directed specifically at you.

If you like the guy, you're probably going to have accept that about him.

The other thought I had when reading your post is the bit about your general failures to get people to gather at your place. It suggests to me that entertaining doesn't come naturally/easily to you, that you may stress too much about it, and that people sense that and aren't quite as at ease at your place as at your friend's. In a social gathering like watching that movie, it's as much about the social interactions as it is about the actual event.

I can commiserate, but I can't really offer any solutions since I'm pretty much in the same boat.

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Shauk

That's the thing about social gatherings, some people have the social grace to pull it off with ease. Maybe they're just more attractive than your or something, more than physically, maybe just emotionally, their demeanor or aura... Hard to put your finger on it.

But yeah, myself? definitely mark myself down as a "fail" in the social engagement organization skills department. Er, That was a mouthful (that's what she said)

anyway..

/out

highthief

I vote "needy bitch" (using the OP's wording). Anyone who posts such an innocuous situtation as "Anonymous" really hasn't got a grip on themselves in some way.

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Si vis pacem parabellum.

Anonymous Member

If no one's taking you up on your offers or they're not showing up to your gatherings, there's probably a good reason for it. Re-evaluate what you have going on. Do you have cats and the place smells like a litter box? Are you cheap when it comes to snack foods or beverages? Maybe you're a little bit desperate and it's evident to those around you? Or are you a prick?

Step outside of the box and make a few notes from an outsider's point of view. You might see things you didn't before.

ASU2003

I have this problem too. I have no problem hanging out with other people if they invite me. I have a very high percentage of making commitments.

However, it just seems like people are so flaky today.

If I invite a bunch of people over or out to do something, unless it is for lunch, nobody would show up.

LoganSnake

I would've felt exactly the same and probably dropped him as a friend.

Especially after 10+ years. That's just rude.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

telekinetic

I wonder if this is manifesting itself in a way that makes people feel unwelcome. There are a few friend's houses that I am totally comfortable hanging out at, will raid the fridge without asking, and don't even knock when they're expecting me, and know that they will do the same at my house. I like those houses. Then there are also a few who give out a weird vibe, like my presence in their house is a tolerated intrusion. I don't hang out over there any longer than needed.

Also, you are definitely coming across as a needy bitch to me. Your story made sense when I thought you were a girl and were potentially interested in this guy, now that you're both straight dudes, I say sack up and don't let it bother you. If he didn't come watch 9 with you, all that means is he didn't want to come watch 9 with you. If someone was effectively nagging me to come hang out with them I think I'd be a little weirded out and probably avoid them.

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twisted no more

LoganSnake

That shouldn't apply to 10+ year friends.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Vigilante

I couldn't have said it better than my telekinetic friend. I thought you were a girl, both by "bitch" and by the nature of your post.

Basically, quit trying so hard. My wife is the same way in some respects. She tries to be a stereotypical libra, always trying to make everyone happy. She tries too hard, thus she gives off a weird vibe and gets shunned. We all do it at some point, but there comes a time when you must claim your independence from all and let them come to you. Only at that point will you be accepted, and that is only because you set the original precedence. Think about the difference between the popular kids in school, and the kids that tried to be popular. It's along those lines.

The only difference between you and anyone else is probably that you make this a habit. That and if this has been since you moved close to your friend, maybe it's because he sees more of you than ever before, and it's a bit too much. Consider his point of view, not just yours.

---------- Post added at 03:06 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:04 PM ----------

It does when they've only been neighbors for 6 months.

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LoganSnake

How does that change anything?

If I'm good friends with somebody for 10 years and then moved into the same house as them, it would not be out of the ordinary for me to ask them to come over to watch something with a reminder every couple of weeks. I don't like waiting for people and would rather know that they don't want to come than having to constantly remind them.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Halanna

I don't either.

You didn't say if you had casually mentioned the whole movie thing and what his response was, but this is sort of the mountain out of the mole hill thing to me.

Ok, you had the movie. Told him you had the movie. So the opportunity was there. He's a guy, he may have forgotten. Not wanted to watch it at any particular time. It doesn't appear that this movie watching was as important to him as it was to you.

Maybe someone who was in the apartment that evening brought the movie over. How can he say no, I can't watch that, I have to watch it with Mr. X? The whole situation may have been spontaneous and in no way connected to you. I would venture to guess nothing about the situation had anything to do with you.

Maybe you were a little overbearing reminding him all the time that you had the movie. Maybe he thinks your motivation is different than it is, ie: maybe he thinks you're attracted to him or he thinks your behavior is a little creepy.

It could have been anything. Taking stuff like this personally will make you crazy. You can't overthink it.

As far as the other thing about people not showing up you can look at it two ways. One is have fun with the 2 people who did show up and don't worry why no one else did, or two examine what is happening with you and your home. As someone else mentioned, maybe there are bad smells, maybe the decor is creepy, maybe you have bad breath and it's time to visit a dentist, maybe you make offensive jokes or maybe it's nothing. They just didn't show up. 2 people did, so make the most of the evening. Apparently those 2 people want to hang out with you.

Quality not quantity.

genuinegirly

While reading your post, all I could think was "can't he take a hint?" These people don't appreciate you. For whatever reason, they don't value your friendship. Time to move on. Branch out. Find others to socialize with. They're treating you like utter crap. You have every right to feel wronged. You also deserve quality friends.

I would show up. There have to be others.

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Toaster126

I am EXTREMELY disappointed that so many TFPers think the answer to this question has anything to do with the gender of the poster.

If one of your best friends of 10+ years who lives less than 15 seconds away from you has not entered your apartment in 6 months, you either are really mistaken about the nature and reciprocity of your relationship or you are a shitty host. Sorry.

On the other hand, you can ask your friend about it and talk like adult human beings. You know, because you are friends. Right? If not... well, don't cry over a friendship that you had in your head.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Wes Mantooth

I've had friends like this before. You think you have a great friendship going and then slowly you see them less and less until finally something like this happens and it kind of smacks you in the face that your friend has kind of "moved on" to a new crowd and it feels like your the last person on earth to figure it out.

Anyway I'd just move on. If he thinks so little of your relationship that he can't even invite you over to watch the very movie the two of you have been discussing for months then he's obviously not a real friend anymore. I don't know both sides of the story but anyone who treats a friend like that just isn't worth the time in my opinion.

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Ratman

How close was your friendship before you became neighbors? Did he ever come over to hang out and watch a movie before? Did you ever hangout at his place and watch a movie with these people?

Why did you move to this building? How long has he lived there? Have you considered that you may have "invaded" his turf? You said he was with a bunch of your neighbors, but before you moved in they were his neighbors, and maybe this is his crowd and this is something he does regularly with them. You can't really insinuate yourself into a group dynamic just because you're now a neighbor.

It sounds like your trying too hard. Slow down, let them get used to you being there as a neighbor.

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"God made man, but he used the monkey to do it." DEVO

little_tippler

I can only give a girl's perspective but even so...

I don't know how it is between guys. But between people....

Ok even if you are acting a bit needy or he just doesn't enjoy your company anymore...that was a shitty situation to walk in on.

If he is just careless and actually didn't remember to invite you (you're 15 seconds away) when someone showed up with the movie...it's still not nice of him and I would think twice about letting someone that thoughtless be a close friend of mine. I'd possibly find a time to talk to them about it and clear the air, and if it was apparent to me that he really didn't care anyway, then I'd stop being available to that friend myself.

If he knew full well that he was deliberately excluding you...then I'd just move on. Not only is this thoughtless it's also pretty cruel if you were friends for over 10 years before it stopped working. Who wants a friend like that?

Either way, it was a nasty thing to do to you and I don't think you're wrong to feel hurt or cast aside.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Mantus

One lesson I learned in life is that one needs to judge people by their actions. I've known many people who were very nice and great to hang with and constantly claimed that they would be there for me if anything happened. Well, shit happened and they didn't show up.

Are they not real friends? Perhaps.

What I realized is that there are very few people in this world with true conviction and a code by which they live life. In other words few can be counted upon to keep their word. At first this brought me great pain because as I began to scan my social circle I realized that almost everyone I knew was a selfish flake.

I've come to accept this fact of life. I don't hold this selfish trait against people any longer. I've grown much more self-reliant. I've also learned that words are not enough to motivate people. You have to use leverage on them. You have to trade and barter for their loyalty. Friendship is built upon more than time spent together. There has to be a genuine exchange of value in order to obtain loyalty. It's important to note that peoples values change over time and the glue which held you together years ago will wear down and no longer apply. If no new common ground is found the relationship dies.

Don't take it personally. People go though phases in life. I've done very stupid things to hurt friends in the past which made sense at the time but were rather terrible in hindsight. We don't always act rationally.

Leave him alone and do your own thing. If he makes a choice to come back into your life allow it to happen but test his sincerity first with a minor task. Ask him to to jump though a little hoop for you and return the favor. If he doesn't perform then it's all talk.

bazkitcase5

well said Mantus

I've learned the same things, but you put it in much better words

lulu_mq

I agree. I have been having the same bad luck with friends showing up at my place when i hold gatherings as well. Usually I just don't show up to their next party as a way of politely saying fuck you for not showing up to mine. But hey, that's just me. Anyway, it's all about who you choose to let into your psychological personal space. I recently had to let go of a friend i had known for 12 years. It's painful at first but she was never willing to "jump through the hoop" for me, it was all talk like Mantus said. Therefore i got fed up and said my goodbye's. But if you feel like you might have a chance to save this friendship..i suggest talking it over with him and giving him full dis-closer about exactly how you feel/felt or whatever. Good luck!

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Love grows by giving. The love we give away is the only love we keep. The only way to retain love is to give it away.
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Iliftrocks

It takes a while to get to this, but this is how I feel too. A lot of people give lip service to friendship, but the proof is in how people actually treat you. If you are not being treated the way you need to be treated, then find new people to hang out with.

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Iliftrocks

That's not saying that you can't be friendly with this dude, but you have to realize that you need to invest your time with other relationships, because this one isn't what you thought it was.

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

jaymoney

yo face the facts clearly you not part of the inner circle. You just somebody he knows and he clearly doesn't consider you as one of his boys. so stop bitching about it like you in love with this dude

thespian86

Hey Jay, I just wanted to thank you for a response that sounded like a male cliche reading it from a male cliche book.

Here's the answer. There isn't a solution if you feel solution means success. Either way you lose. You've been handed your fate - voluntold, if you will. I'll say it's probably over as far as any genuine relationship would go, but that wasn't the question.

I'm sure it's hard to admit it for some guys, but I don't care - a friendship between straight men can be intensely emotional. Anyone who believes otherwise is ignorant or a robot version of themselves, completely unaware that you are not the original but actually a robot [I'm looking at you Willravel]. Not unlike a brother. It's like being betrayed by a brother.

Now stop acting like a bunch of fucking losers and be honest. He has a right to be pissed. His good friend of 10 years has been dicking him around for a couple of months with no explanation. Are we really so ridiculous that we can blame this guy for not instantly abandoning a relationship he's been working on for a decade. Ten years is a LONG time.

Anybody that I've known for ten years as a friend is family to me. I know all their full names [that I can think of] and their birthdays. 9 out of 13 are in my 'favorite' section on my cell contact list.

The thing is Anonymous, the reason you feel upset but think it's illogical is simple. It's not about the film, but that's the obvious part. If that were the case this would be stupid. But the fact is, what? He's stopped being family - I bet that's closer to what the problem is.

Sorry this is happening dude. The best thing you can do is immerse yourself elsewhere.

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EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

flat5

I've known a few people who were high achievers who made it a point to be over polite to people they really did not care for. It was a challenge to be so charming, a point of pride. I had to learn to look for it.

Anonymous Member

OP here.

He wanted me to move to this complex, in fact, wanted me to move in with him (and has made the offer several times since)

problem is, He's dominant with furniture and such, while I'm even moreso. Together that would basically mean disowning my stuff or putting it in storage. Personally, I feel quite "at home" with my set up the way it is.

I still haven't resolved this or even mentioned it to him, but it didn't seem like an intentional slight. I just finally put my foot down on going over to his place and told him if he wants to do something, he knows where I'll be. He came over when we agreed to head out to pick up food but he wouldn't even sit down, he just acted antsy and nervous the entire time.

LoganSnake

Maybe he likes you.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Xerxys

^^ HAH! OMGLMFAO!

Whats this? Grade school? When you like a girl you best express it by walking up to her, choking and kicking her in the shins!

thespian86

how the fuck do you choke someones shins?

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EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.