Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > The Academy > Tilted Life


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-09-2006, 10:09 AM   #1 (permalink)
Single :) FFA
 
ChasingAmy's Avatar
 
Location: Prince George, British Columbia
Trapped in a marriage. Wanting out. Any help?

January 2005 I had an affair. I promptly confessed to my wife what happened. We fought and talked. The reason I did it... opportunity is what it came down to. My wife was far away in the town we were moving to and I had stayed back to work full time to the end of the year. Two or three months total. At that time I felt the need to escape. To get away and live my own life. Travel. See what the world had to offer me. We talked some more. I decided to stay. Different factors attributed(?) to this. I thought I was living the happy life...

Well here I am again.

Is it strange that all I really want right now in life is to be alone? In solitude? I think some time by myself would give me great opportunity to reflect on what I have done with my life... and what I want to do with it. It all seems right in my mind.

I am at a different place than my wife is right now. The pressure of kids... and now the purchase of a house are really freaking me out!! And as simple as it is for her to say "We don't have to have kids right now." or "We don't have to buy a house right now." For me there is a lot more to it than that. I practically got married out of high school. Living with her from the start (8 years). 3 Years ago when we got married it seemed so right then. But now not so much. I am being lazy maybe... I don't want life to be so complicated right now. I guess I just want to escape and do my own thing right now without having to worry about anyone else.

Does this sound shallow? Only thinking about my own well being? I am so lost. There is so much that I feel I can experience yet.

Is this a pre-mid-life crisis? Is this normal?

Dazed and confused...

Kris.
Cheers.
__________________
Don't you know about the bird?
ChasingAmy is offline  
Old 07-09-2006, 10:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Moderator Emeritus
Location: Chicago
I think what you are experiencing is somewhat normal - but it's not a premidlife crisis (I'm in one of those right now.. that'snot it) it's like you're becoming an actual adult... not that you weren't before -but it's now turning to accepting responsibilities that you didn't have before- property, another life... it's daunting and can be overwhelming...

Thinking about yourself is a good thing, not enough people do that... they're always doing what the other person wants and in the long run- aren't happy...

There's a lot more you can experience in life.. but it doesn't necessarily mean you have ot experience it without your wife... or maybe you do... only you can answer the question do you truly love your wife, from the bottom of your toes to see where life takes you... if the answer is no.. the it's not fair to either one of you to stay in the marriage... if the answer is yes - then you'll have a great future ahead of you..

Children and property don't mean that you are getting old or even growing roots where you can't experience everything in life... you can do both...

Have you both considered couples counseling to work out some of these issues?
__________________
Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.
maleficent is offline  
Old 07-09-2006, 11:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
Observant Ruminant
 
Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town
You got married soon out of high school; maybe too early to know who you really are and what you really want. But I don't buy leaving now just to figure it all out. If you can't figure it out now, you won't figure it out on your own. You'll just drift.

It might be constructive to structure some alone time or separate activities every week so you can get away from married life for a bit and think larger thoughts and try new things; frankly, most people in healthy marriages have something like that.

Or find someone to talk to, to work things out -- a professional of some kind. Somebody who can help you get to the root of your feelings, and understand where they're coming from. I'll bet it won't be too hard to get there, or take too long. Then you can figure out whether your goals are compatible with your marriage, and your wife's expectations, or not.

But don't -- DO NOT -- make the big break, before deciding what you want in life. You might make a big mistake that'll hurt two people, and that you'll regret forever.

Last edited by Rodney; 07-09-2006 at 11:29 AM..
Rodney is offline  
Old 07-09-2006, 11:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
peekaboo
 
ngdawg's Avatar
 
Location: on the back, bitch
Shallow? Not at all. Only you know what you want out of life, how you feel about your wife, and her personality. It's easy for others to say 'don't leave', do leave', etc.
As someone who knows all too well the mentality behind your post, I would tell you to ponder all aspects of you desires for your life, see where a wife, white picket fence fit in and then ask yourself this: can I live without her? Or is she holding me back?
Good luck, wherever your decision takes you
__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.
ngdawg is offline  
Old 07-09-2006, 12:39 PM   #5 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Ample's Avatar
 
Location: In your closet
Actually I think it does sound a little shallow, you sound a lot like my exwife when we decided to separate. “I guess I just want to escape and do my own thing” you really don’t sound happy. You should take a break from her, or get that out of your head somehow. It cannot be healthy for your marriage to go on thinking that way, and not changing anything.

She wants kid and the house, and you don’t. That’s just part of marriage. Its never going to be perfect. Its all about giving a little and taking a little. Can you really blame her? Kids and house is what married people do, or at least drilled projection of what a marriage should be. Does she want these things so bad that she is willing to loose you over it? Have you told her everything that you just told us?
__________________

Her juju beads are so nice
She kissed my third cousin twice
Im the king of pomona
Ample is offline  
Old 07-09-2006, 01:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
Illusionary
 
tecoyah's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChasingAmy

Well here I am again.

Is it strange that all I really want right now in life is to be alone? In solitude? I think some time by myself would give me great opportunity to reflect on what I have done with my life... and what I want to do with it. It all seems right in my mind.

I am at a different place than my wife is right now. The pressure of kids... and now the purchase of a house are really freaking me out!! And as simple as it is for her to say "We don't have to have kids right now." or "We don't have to buy a house right now." For me there is a lot more to it than that. I practically got married out of high school. Living with her from the start (8 years). 3 Years ago when we got married it seemed so right then. But now not so much. I am being lazy maybe... I don't want life to be so complicated right now. I guess I just want to escape and do my own thing right now without having to worry about anyone else.

Does this sound shallow? Only thinking about my own well being? I am so lost. There is so much that I feel I can experience yet.

Is this a pre-mid-life crisis? Is this normal?

Dazed and confused...

Kris.
Cheers.

In the above....we see the word "I" used 13 times by my count....how many times do we see "We".

We all need to be selfish now and then, to make up for selflessness.....perhaps an evaluation of these two aspects of life are in order. No one can tell you what choice to make, as it is your own. But, we can ask you to take this seriously, and consider the implications of your actions.

Just My Opinion
__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha
tecoyah is offline  
Old 07-09-2006, 01:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
Mulletproof
 
Psycho Dad's Avatar
 
Location: Some nucking fut house.
Are you honestly "Trapped in a marriage"? If you have yet to buy that house or have kids, there is no better time to get out than now if that is indeed what you want to do.

Have you discussed any of this with your wife? She is going to be as impacted by whatever your decision is as you are going to be. I'd say the time to open up to her is now.
__________________
Don't always trust the opinions of experts.
Psycho Dad is offline  
Old 07-09-2006, 02:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
Banned
 
Zeraph's Avatar
 
Location: The Cosmos
I have no personal experience with marriage so I have no real advice, just a pondering.

Something I don't understand yet with marriage is why its either stay together or get divorced (leave permanently). Why can't you take a year or even a two year break (complete break, live in different areas, only thing is you wouldn't see other people)? Like just keep living apart until you make a decision.
Zeraph is offline  
Old 07-09-2006, 03:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
peekaboo
 
ngdawg's Avatar
 
Location: on the back, bitch
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeraph
I have no personal experience with marriage so I have no real advice, just a pondering.

Something I don't understand yet with marriage is why its either stay together or get divorced (leave permanently). Why can't you take a year or even a two year break (complete break, live in different areas, only thing is you wouldn't see other people)? Like just keep living apart until you make a decision.
With way too many, it's all or nothing. I'm married to one of those types, when a 'well, maybe not ALL' would be better suited to me. That's where the 'trapped' feeling comes in. Some won't compromise and share their SO's...others would rather share than lose them and some revel in the sharing part, knowing the best is their own.
__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.
ngdawg is offline  
Old 07-09-2006, 05:09 PM   #10 (permalink)
Single :) FFA
 
ChasingAmy's Avatar
 
Location: Prince George, British Columbia
male: In regards to children and a house... I don't feel that children and a house will make me "old". Its more of the feeling that if I am freaking out (I think I am) I would much rather do it now than later. I don't even want to think about involving children in something like this. Although some people do eh?

rod: We do have our seperate times throughout the week, especially when it comes to our social lives, she has always disliked the friends I have made. They are too much like me... loud and proud. Also I have become very physical this last year... and she has no ambition to take part in anything that I do. The gym, a good hike or run. She likes the kind of activities that you don't have to break a sweat at. Except sex of course. So...

amp: I know its not healthy for our marriage. Nor for myself. She seems to think that everything is perfect. Maybe it is for her. Everyday I feel like shit because I don't find her interesting anymore.

tec: I have thought lots about this. On and off for the last year and a half.

pyscho: I plan on talking to her very soon.

zeraph: I am thinking that a seperation would be the best thing for us right now. Just need some time to find out what I want. Because I have been asking myself that lately and all I keeping answering is freedom. That sounds lame I suppose.

ndawg: thanks for your input too, it is greatly appreciated.

It's hard to comprehend for some b/c it is so one sided. There is so much involved.

So much to say... its all a mess in my head.

Thanks everyone for your responses so far.

Kris.
__________________
Don't you know about the bird?
ChasingAmy is offline  
Old 07-09-2006, 05:25 PM   #11 (permalink)
Mulletproof
 
Psycho Dad's Avatar
 
Location: Some nucking fut house.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChasingAmy
It's hard to comprehend for some b/c it is so one sided. There is so much involved.
Important point for any post like this IMHO. There is so much that we cannot see. And that is if we try to see it all and not base opinions or advice on our own personal situations. Good luck in this.
__________________
Don't always trust the opinions of experts.
Psycho Dad is offline  
Old 07-10-2006, 12:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
Banned
 
You do realize that only a tiny percentage of high school romances continue to become totally permanent, right?

You've got the same thing going for you, from everything you're saying. You want to see the world, you feel like life is passing you by. You believe there are a million and nine things you want to do and you're already getting the house and the kids and the picket fence and the dog named Shep.

Go live while you're still lively enough to enjoy it, and find that special person who grounds you once again. When that happens, you'll be much happier for it.

I'm almost never one to discourage relationships, but it seems like you've reached terminal velocity on this one. Unfortunately, not everything lasts forever... consider this, though- at least you don't already have the house and the kids and the fence and the dog Shep... because then it would be a whole different issue, and not something at all where you could so easily attempt to move on.

Last edited by analog; 07-10-2006 at 02:02 AM..
analog is offline  
Old 07-10-2006, 09:42 AM   #13 (permalink)
Happy as a hippo
 
StormBerlin's Avatar
 
Location: Southern California
On one hand, you're not happy. And without kids, there really isn't any tie to the marriage of you're not feeling it. On the other hand, you made a commitment. I'd break it off, but that's just me. Then again, I made sure not to marry my high school sweetheart in the first place *shrug*
__________________
"if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane
StormBerlin is offline  
Old 07-13-2006, 12:41 PM   #14 (permalink)
Alien Anthropologist
 
hunnychile's Avatar
 
Location: Between Boredom and Nirvana
Get some good counseling for yourself...and then some as a couple. Could be extremely helpful to you, especially now. Amazing how much help myself and others I know have received from professionals trained to assist families and people in the crisis mode.

But Please Don't be in a Hurry to just act now & possibly have to pay later.

And good luck & patience to you and yours. "This too will pass or change - it's inevitable".
__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB
hunnychile is offline  
Old 07-13-2006, 02:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
Insane
 
pornclerk's Avatar
 
Location: Ontario, Canada
When I was 18 I started dating my boyfriend and I am now almost 25. I must say that the difference between age 18 and 25 is massive. I can see how you feel about wanting to experience life because you did get married fairly young.
I think the most important thing in making a relationship last is not forgetting who you are. Even though I have been in my relationship a long time, I am still very happy. My boyfriend has never told me that I can't follow my dreams, or that I can't have friends. I fully intend to marry him eventually and I still plan on being who I am and not becoming "the wife." Most people who get married just become the other person's half, which is okay in a way because marriage obviously does involve some sacrifice, but they completley forget who they are. This can lead you to become very unhappy.
Hope everything works out for the best.
__________________
Who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree?
pornclerk is offline  
Old 07-13-2006, 02:37 PM   #16 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
 
Willravel's Avatar
 
ChasingAmy, did you and your wife go through pre-marital counsiling? If so, was it with clergy or a professional? If not, would you be willing to talk to someone?

While there are plenty of brilliant and helpful people people here on TFP, there are copmlicated matters at play here that this format simply may not be able to sufficently handle. I would suggest that you consider speaking to a professional.
Willravel is offline  
Old 07-14-2006, 10:09 AM   #17 (permalink)
hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005
 
Sage's Avatar
 
Location: North side
Yeah, I'm echoing the "go talk to a professional" thing. Just because it sounds like you have YOUR life, your wife has HER life, and the only reason you two are sharing your lives at all is because you're married and you live together. If she's not into what you do, you're not into what she does, and "(you) don't find her interesting anymore" then there's a SERIOUS gulf between you two.

Now, knowing that there's a divide in your marriage, there's two things you can do about it- either BOTH of you make the committment to bridge the gap, or realize that you really don't care about the gap and would be happier not being married. This isn't a snap decision- it might take counseling, it might take a seperation, it might take actually being divorced for a few years and then coming back together, but it's something you need to acknowledge NOW and deal with NOW.

And you are definitely not being selfish- it just sounds like there's a whole lot of things that you want to do that you feel you can't because you're married. That's normal, and that's something that you need to deal with because it can cause a lot of issues in a marriage if it's not addressed.
__________________
Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's
She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox
She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus
In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous
-C'hi
Sage is offline  
Old 07-14-2006, 11:39 AM   #18 (permalink)
Pissing in the cornflakes
 
Ustwo's Avatar
 
With all the professional talk it makes me wonder how people got by in the days before therapists and Zoloft.

What I would measure here is seeing if what you have with her is worth losing to pursue your own agenda without her.

My wife and I dated for 6 years prior to getting married. There were times when I wanted to do other things, be my own person, etc, and I weighed it vrs losing her. It wasn't worth it, so I stuck with her, and it was a good choice but for a while it wasn't an easy choice.
__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.
Ustwo is offline  
Old 07-15-2006, 01:10 PM   #19 (permalink)
A Storm Is Coming
 
thingstodo's Avatar
 
Location: The Great White North
You need to decide what you want the long term to look like. Sometimes you just need to grow up. Seriously. Of course, I don't know anything about you other than what I've read here, so that 's my caveat.

I got married when I was 19. That was 31 years ago. Yes, I'm still married to the same woman. I had a chance to do all sorts of things before hand since I played in a band for several years, so I was able to work out some of the kinks.

But let me tell you, there were hard times along the way. m The thing is, we both had a long view of things and both worked through all of our troubles - still do today. And I wouldn't change a thing.
__________________
If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.
thingstodo is offline  
Old 07-15-2006, 09:13 PM   #20 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Want to run away? Follow the light
Big Hugs ChasingAmy!

I know what you feel too. Sometimes I get told, just make a decision and live with the consequences. God, I can't even buy a pair of jeans without first researching all options so........

It's been nearly 2 years now since my husband moved out, and we're living in limbo. I hate it! But I hate not knowing what I want either. We've given it until end of year (2 yrs then) to either work things out or move on.

Counselling does seem like the way to go - even if just one-on-one. It'll help you really delve into what you want out of life & where you see yourself going.

A girlfriend always says to me 'you can't make someone happy if you're not happy with yourself' ..... I'm still working of this. Good Luck!!!
__________________

ciao bella!
savvypup is offline  
Old 07-15-2006, 10:23 PM   #21 (permalink)
Junkie
 
SirLance's Avatar
 
Location: In the middle of the desert.
You made a vow, so what brought you to that point?

It's easy to say "I need to be alone right now." It isn't easy to work through these things. Counseling can help, but you really have to have the desire to solve the problem. If you had enough commitment to get married in the first place, then you have enough to get through this. But that's what it will take, commitment.
__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.
SirLance is offline  
Old 07-16-2006, 07:18 AM   #22 (permalink)
Eat your vegetables
 
genuinegirly's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: Arabidopsis-ville
I get itchy feet every now and again. I tell Turbotom, and we go backpacking, travel someplace unexpected, or take a night out for the two of us... change things up a little to keep things interesting. and it works. and we're here for one another. granted, our relationship is young in comparison with yours, but it's something to mention.

we have found that we can wander together through this world, and that knowledge is our strength through the more mundane parts of life. We know that another adventure is right around the corner.

you like going on adventures. Is there any way to adapt your hiking trips, camping excusions, afternoons at the gym, etc to involve her? Maybe if she tries these things, she will have a blast. Is it your friends that are keeping her away, or the activities themselves?

Sounds like you desperately need her to do something that shows you she's interesting - beyond the bedroom. Face it: personality has a lot to do with attraction.

How are you two communicating?

How much are you willing to do? If she goes with you to the gym once a week, are you willing to sit back and work on your embroidery (or whatever seemingly mundane task most interests her) for an hour or two a week?

Pick her up in your arms, tell her you love her, that you need some excitement in your life right now, and present her with two tickets to [insert exciting location here]. dunno... worked for me. now I never want to leave the guy.
__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy
genuinegirly is offline  
Old 07-16-2006, 07:46 AM   #23 (permalink)
Falling Angel
 
Sultana's Avatar
 
Location: L.A. L.A. land
Quote:
Originally Posted by SirLance
*snip* If you had enough commitment to get married in the first place, then you have enough to get through this. *snip*
It doesn't take commitment to get married. It just takes a wave of emotion strong enough to carry two people through a few minutes of paperwork.

It's way too f*cking easy to get married, in my opinion.
__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening


My goal? To fulfill my potential.
Sultana is offline  
Old 07-16-2006, 10:35 AM   #24 (permalink)
Insane
 
pornclerk's Avatar
 
Location: Ontario, Canada
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sultana
It doesn't take commitment to get married. It just takes a wave of emotion strong enough to carry two people through a few minutes of paperwork.

It's way too f*cking easy to get married, in my opinion.
I totally agree with you. No one takes marriage seriously anymore. I think we live by the whole theory that we can get married but if it doesn't work divorce is always an option. So sad...
__________________
Who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree?
pornclerk is offline  
Old 07-16-2006, 11:11 AM   #25 (permalink)
I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!
 
raeanna74's Avatar
 
Location: Upper Michigan
If you are feeling like this then you are not ready for buying a house or having kids. Both of those things will drive you two apart more than help any relationship problems you may have. Those two things are great experiences when a couple is READY for them. You don't sound ready.

As other's said here, you should get away on your own or together. I probably would advise you to do a little of both. Even a day trip a couple times a month is very theraputic.

I personally would suggest that you don't throw in the towel just yet. Something drew you to her in the first place and after several years of living together you still wanted to marry. There's SOMETHING to the relationship that kept you hooked for so long. Just take the time to figure that out before you bind yourselves to a house and kids.
__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
raeanna74 is offline  
 

Tags
marriage, trapped, wanting

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 06:00 PM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360