ngdawg

This is really hard to do, but I don't have too many alternatives and can't talk to family about it. Please don't make judgements. But I would like some input from anyone who has been through this. So, here goes...
Next week is my 25th wedding anniversary and I don't want to be married any more. People change and not always for the better. Games were played that hurt me and he has gotten nastier as he's gotten older. This last game has lasted for a year and a half-he is withholding sex so that I will ask for it. He did it before. He treats me as if I'm stupid, I get no support or respect and when we argue, he includes the kids by making comments to them about my behavior.
As for me, I have not been fair or good to him either. I take off on small trips to be with my friends to get away from him. I had 2 affairs. I am in love with someone else as well as all of this.
The problems that make me stay are 2fold. First, financial. I can not support myself or my kids right now, but I am trying to find a decent job, without much luck so far. And we have a lot of debt. Second and major problem is the kids-they adore their father and they are his world. I can't bear to seperate them from him, but the longer I stay, the more resentful i become.
We get along as friends most of the time. Talking is superficial, never of any depth or philosophies. Innocuous comments from me beget nasty replies too many times to bother having deep conversation. He talks about going here or there next vacation and i cringe at the thought.
I want out so badly and I can't see it except through death.
I keep thinking, will my kids hate me or do they see this? Where could I go? Do I wait it out til he gets disgusted? He swore he'd never leave and I believe it-I think he'd stay around even if he found someone else, which I truly wish he would.
Someone loves me so much, he always tells me how much he misses me and I feel the same way. He is supportive and encouraging and guiding. He makes me giggle and I do the same with him. We know each other's moods and we both get some bad ones, but can calm each other down. I don't want to marry ever again, but it's nice to have someone on my side instead of jabbing it.
Sorry if this is a bit rambly. I am so confused as to what to do at this point and so unhappy that it's dragged out this long-I should have been gone 2-3 years ago, but it's hard with no outside support to make that decision.

fallenangel

Get out. I mean, i'm not expert by far at anything to do with marriage. But you're obviously not happy. Does the idea of counselling sound appealing at all, or would it be any help? You sound as if you're beyond still hoping for things to work out, and you know when you've lost that kind of hope, you need to leave, or separate yourself.

How old are your children? I mean, if they're a bit older, you'd do all right. What about alimony etc? I mean wouldn't he still be able to support you for a short while until you can get on your own two feet?

Do something to make yourself happy, that's what's worth living for. Your children will understand at some point or another. Best wishes Ngdawg, take care of yourself *hugs*

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amonkie

I haven't been in the same situation, and don't really know what to say to fix the situation, other than you have our support here, judge free. I'll keep your family in my prayers.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

*Nikki*

Wow that is diffulcult. I have been with a man before that I grew to resent also but it was easier bc there were no children involved. At the time we split I could not support myself 100% either and I had to stay with someone for a week or so until I got my feet under me. But let me tell you...once I got past all the pain of leaving it was the most wonderful feeling ever. I felt this huge burden had been lifted off of my soul. From what I have seen of your writing here, I have gained the assumption that you are a very strong woman. So therefore, I know you can leave. I think in this instance you have to be selfish. You children will be upset, there is no doubt about that, but time WILL HEAL ALL WOUNDS, you can be sure of that. You will be surprised how easy it was after you start the wheels in motion.

maleficent

Sucky situation for all parties.

Kids are pretty resilient, and not all that naive. They can probably tell how you are feeling, and can see that there are problems in your relationship. If you do decide to seperate or divorce, they will accept it, and bounce back from it, and probably will be happier in the long run because both parents will be happy. Staying together for the sake of the kids is no reason to stay together.

You have to do what's important to you, if you marriage isn't working for you,then there's no good reason to stay in it. I'm not saying throw it away at the first sign of trouble, but if you can honestly tell yourself that you've tried, and can't make it work -- well - -then that's your answer.

25 years is a long time, at one point, people thought if you could spend that amount of time with a person, then you were in it for life. Lately, I'm seeing the opposite as true... people change in that amount of time, and grow apart, you want different things... You have to do what's right for you...

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lurkette

Speaking as a child of divorced parents who never should have been married in the first place, the best thing a child can have is a HAPPY parent. Chances are you're doing them no favors at all staying with someone you don't love. How old are they? Are they old enough that you can explain the situation to them?

It sounds to me like you've all but made up your mind to leave, and are just hesitant to take that last step. 25 years is a long time to build up familiarity and inertia. It might be worth seeing a counselor or a divorce lawyer or even just a good friend to talk through it and figure out what your next steps are and how you can do this to best take care of yourself and your kids.

Good luck, and I wish you the best!

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

inharmony

I do unfortunately know and feel what you are going through. I've been married 20 yrs and recently filed for divorce. I struggled for over 2 yrs on whether or not to stay for my kids. I agree that divorce is not the avenue I had originally thought of, however, over time things grew worse and my kids were starting to suffer. They are old enough to understand, still hurts, but they are stronger than we give them credit for. My advice....make yourself happy. Kids will see that you are. Take care and much luck.

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"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist."
Ghandi

"Things do not change: We change"
Henry David Thoreau

~Serena~

Hi hunny,
I've been married for over a year now. I've been through A LOT in just a year. We almost seperated about a million times. I wanted to leave him SO bad, but I never did. I loved him too much and I didn't want to divorce him.

If you still love your husband, then please get counseling.

I'll pray for you, love. Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life (and I am very young). Good luck, sweetie.

ngdawg

Thank you all for your comments and support. I guess I don't want to be the bad guy in this-the spouse's siblings are both divorced and I remember how everyone else badmouthed the exes. I don't feel love for him any more and I think if I or we went to counselling, it would not be to save the marriage as I don't want to. It'd be more to cope with the impending split. I don't want animosity or hate.
I will never marry again. I went from Daddy to husband-never went off to college and only left home for a year at 18 to live with and help out my best friend and her kid. I've never been by myself or had to answer to only myself.
So, if and when the time comes to call it a day, it will be to be independent, regardless of how I and my friend feel about each other.
My kids are 12(twins). My daughter sometimes shows signs of being affected-when he yelled at me in a restaurant to 'shut up', she hugged me and said, 'you're my favorite, Mom.' Their comments are sometimes not kind about their father, but they've shown no anger. I don't know how it affects my son, but when I hear how his father sometimes talks to him-belittling and a bit whiney and accusatory, my heart breaks for him. He doesn't talk that way to his daughter, although he is lately getting testy even with her about non-issues like going for school supplies.
Now he is trying to be a bit more attentive as the anniversary approaches. GAG me with a spoon......

sexymama

At first I was going to suggest counseling, and/or the book "Relationship Rescue." But then I read your second post.

What are you doing staying in this relationship? I hear you saying it is for the girls; but I wonder what staying in this situation models for them. They see that daddy treats mommy poorly and mommy puts up with it. When they have their own relationships, they will model them after your's. I know, my sisters have done that. Two of them have been married over 20 years to men who drink and have affairs. Why? Because my dad was verbally abusive to my mom and he had many affairs; yet she stayed with him for over 36 years. Finally he left her for another woman. My sisters think that their marriages are "normal." Well, it isn't normal to be treated poorly. You deserve better and so do your daughters!

I divorced just over two years ago. I stayed with my ex from '98 - '01 for the children's sake. When I finally left him, the older children said "it's about time." Don't kid yourself, the girls see and know the truth. That won't stop them from loving their father -- but they will understand.

In-the-meantime, I highly recommend counseling for yourself and for the girls. It will help you all cope and will help you know how to help them deal.

Best of luck and happy unanniversary.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

gabshu

if you are really worried about your children, you should break off the relationship. from my experience living with parents that constantly fought over everything, i was glad when they got divorced. i was very sad, but 12 is a young age and they'll get over it. it's just going to be worst for them if you stay together with no love, is that the kind of example you want to give your kids about what love should be?

i wish you the best of luck in these difficult times

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Tinker

Leave and take control of your life! been there and done that.. trust me you will feel much better... Two words Alimony and child support.. you will be fine, sometimes the hardest things we have to do, turn out to be the best things we ever do!!!!
No one deserves the treatment you are getting and like everyone was saying your kids will benefit from your future happiness, they are old enough to understand!
Dont waste anymore of your life, time is precious! and happy time with your kids is priceless

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"The man who alters his way of thinking to suit others is a fool."
Marquis de SADE

SparklingDot

That sounds like my parents. It will be in your children's best interest for you to be happy. Its a hard decision to make, but there are plenty of options out there. It won't be easy, but I am sure that both you and the children will be happier. Your kids are at a difficult age, but it won't get any easier if you wait. They are old enough to understand what is going on, and if they've been exposed to the sorts of things you described for any long period of time, they will realize that it will be better this way. Take heart, there are plenty of legal actions to help you along the way.

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17 seconds is all you really need
- Smashing Pumpkins

Redgirl

Since it seems a foregone conclusion that you're going to leave him the best thing you can do is start planning. Open a bank account he doesn't know about and start socking away a little money here and there if you can. Just taking a step like that can make all the other steps go easier.

You've waited this long, so you might as well get everything in order before you officially leave. It is possible to get financial support from him, but who knows how long that will take and if he's uncooperative it will be even worse. So try to have some cushion and possibly a friend lined up to stay with temporarily. Definitely get a job first, that will be a must.

Good luck, and I'm sorry and happy for you at the same time! Focus on the excitement of having your own life for once!!

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Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

raeanna74

I was thinking along this line too. Only thing about this is IF he found out about the account in any way. Of if his lawyer found out about it they could still take the money out. I've heard of this happening before. ANYTHING in your name belongs to him if it was bought or opened while you are married. Personally I would suggest socking the money away into a VERY good hiding place that leaves no paper trail. Maybe at a trustworthy friends house, in a lockbox at work, or in an envelope taped underneath the top or your dresser. Get creative anyway. Also if they found out about the account but weren't able to drain it before you did they could claim that as money that you don't need from him and it could potentially reduce the amount alimony you can recieve.

I would also suggest that if you don't have a job start looking. Get your ducks in order quietly before you go.

It sounds like his behavior is abusive. I don't want to sound like I'm overreacting. Withholding sex, putdowns, using the children to belittle, those tactics are abusive. Everyone probably does one of those things once but to do it repeatedly and more than one negative behavior regularly is abusive. You don't want your kids to learn this. You don't want your girl to expect that from another man or your boys to expect a woman to respond to that kind of treatment. It is better for them that you don't stick around.

Weave yourself a security net first. A friend to go to, money to help you at least feed yourself...Whatever you fear not having. Get yourself some counseling too to help you deal with the emotions and plan to keep you and your kids safe.

I wish you the best. Hugs.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Cedar

Everyone else has really great suggestions, so I will just add that it sounds like at this point you will like yourself better out of this marriage, that you will be stronger and not feeling brought down by your husband's barbs. People do change after 25 years...I'd worry if they didn't. But if things aren't changing for the better, you may be better off out of the marriage.

Other than that, I haven't a clue. I've never been in your situation and oddly enough, all my relatives by both blood and marriage have happy marriages. I offer hugs and best wishes for you, whatever you decide.

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Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
I am large. I contain multitudes.

-Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

ngdawg

A lot of very good suggestions for me and I appreciate it very much. I have my resume out, but have not hit the streets looking for work yet.( I am a workstudy at school and I try to bank that, but it's not much) I have decided to get my ACE in Photoshop so that I have at least something for later.(I'm sure the $100 it costs will be pointed out pointedly).
I also have to visit my doctor-my neck is shot, my stomach and sinuses are very angry with me and I think a lot of this is nerves.
The anniversary is tomorrow and nothing has been said about it at all, but he's been slightly more attentive albeit not talkative. In fact, he had a car club meeting, came home late, didn't come to 'kiss hello' right off and said nothing about the meeting at all-so I am HOPING the single woman there and he are beginning something, hence the late night and silence. (I have been trying to figure out how to get them together)
I am stashing cash, just $5's and $10's for now-even for quick 'gotta-get-outta-here's like I had this past weekend at least would be covered. And my friends were so wonderful, I left with $5 more than i arrived with!!! Just too bad they live 600 miles or so away
I dread tomorrow as I want to be as even-keeled as possible until I figure this all out. I hope, really hope, that by April at the latest, as things go now, I will start a new life. I will have graduated and it's past the kids' birthday.Cross your fingers and keep the ideas coming.

combatmedicjen

My parents have been married for 23 years, and I can only hope that they'll get a divorce.

My parents love my brothers and I (we're 16, 19, and 21), and I know they always will, but they would be so much happier apart. They haven't even slept in the same room for years, and they barely even speak. They're just roommates with kids - it's quite sad. I love my parents to death, which is why I'm hoping that they'll someday split and find happiness again.

Kids are very perceptive. If you're as miserable as it seems you are, then your kids likely sense it, and it's not good for them. They're old enough to realize it's not their fault, and I think you might be helping them more than anything. You're almost done raising them now... please start thinking of yourself. You deserve to be happy, too.

Good luck, hun.

ngdawg

I survived the day-barely. Popped a few St. John's Wort to help calm the nerves. I went to the card store but nothing for anniversaries that say 'leave me alone'. So, I wrote a letter. It stated, more or less, that I was not sure what I was going through, but I have a lot of anger that was causing my physical ailments and I gave up playing his game-I don't want sex from him. I said that we can't debate anything without it turning into yelling and accusations. I also said that I don't know what the future holds for us, right now I am just numb, and his treatment of our son makes me cringe. I ended it by saying don't ask me if i still love him, sometimes I wonder why the hell I'm married, but there are moments I feel 25 again. There has been no mention of this letter-kind of thankful for that as I am not ready to discuss anything quite yet. It was gone when i awoke this morning, and he did come to our room to say goodbye before work, so I guess it wasn't too harsh. But he knew I was in no mood for a celebration and that suits me fine.Just a few more hurdles to go....my b-day, christmas, kids' b-day....luckily they're a bit close together-october thru march...time marches on.
Thanks again to everyone-you have been terrific and I have taken everything you've said to heart.

Overlord

My post was deleted because I really am not allowed to post in here...

Hash_Browns

ngdawg! That letter was a BIG step. I'm glad you have made it a point to not play his games...I don't think I would want to be anywhere near that, if you know what I mean! I would also love to hear the day when you can say "I'm Free" because you deserve it! Your kids have a Mom with a good head on her shoulders, we all just need a little nudge once in a while, nothing wrong with that.

While reading, you had mentioned not being the bad guy, but the plain and simple truth is, he may just want the same thing you do, but doesn't want to be the one to say it out loud either. But from the sounds of it, it's the opposite and he's feeding off your insecurities to make himself feel better about his life-that is a mind game I have dealt with, and hope you get yourself away from ASAP!! Don't let him know for ONE second you might be afraid, nervous or feel unprepared. Even if you are, be strong (as we can all see you are!!) and feed off of your own energy and strength and make all of these wishes come true for you and for your kids, like I said, you deserve it!!

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sillygirl

My parents have been married almost 22 years and ya know what... I wish they'd get a divorce. My mother told me a few months ago that she'd be surprised if they were still together by the end of the year... I hadn't heard anything else and then they started house shopping in Wyoming. Mom told me a few days ago that she'll probably just tell him to go when he's ready to move and she'll sell the house they're in and move back into the old one.

Ya know what? It'd break my heart, but I'm not stupid and I want my mom to be happy. My brother and I can see how my parents are and neither of us want to be like them. I divorced my husband because I was so unhappy... ya know what? It took me telling my mother flat out that I deserve to be happy just like everyone else and that he treated me in a way that made me fear waking up every morning..... It's only been since then that Mom's talked openly to me about being unhappy... mostly in the form of complaining about my dad a lot.

Kids hear things. They see things. They sense things that they don't see or hear.

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

hyperkarma

Love is such a finicky word, it's such a finicky concept. Being married for 25 years is a long time (I'm only 22), but the question I want to ask you is... In those 25 years, did you have more happy memories or more bad memories? If the answer is more happy memories, then I suggest couples/relationship enhancement counselling. However, if it's more bad memories, then perhaps you should seek a lawyer and consider a seperation.

Someone said that the best thing for kids is a HAPPY parent, and I agree. As the old adage goes, "If you're not happy, do something about it."

And hey, if that doesn't work, bake cookies. I find that always helps

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