lack of compliments - Page 2 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Martel · 05-19-2005, 02:55 PM

If this guy just has trouble saying things about you looking nice or something, try working up to it.

Start with something like putting on something you know (or think) he likes, then asking him if he likes the way you look in it. If he says YEAH!!, then there you go, thats an avenue towards getting compliments. If he says well.. eh, not really, or waffles, then ask him to go in your closet and find something that he really likes to see you in so that you can wear it. If he can't really find anything, tell him that you're going to take him out to some stores and that you're not coming home until he finds at least one item of clothing that he would like to see you wear.

To me, this whole issue does not make sense. Even people who marginally enjoy being around each other will compliment each other on things. For you to say he doesn't ever and has not ever once complimented you on anything related to your appearance tells me that there is something weird going on here.

pig · 05-19-2005, 03:22 PM

I'm going to back the redflags here; from the male perspective I have to say that

1. When I'm into a chick, I generally let her know. Compliments are huge, they should be genuine, and it's sort of common knowledge that most people, not just the ladies, like to be complimented. I fail to understand how your SO could not be aware of this, specifically given that you've discussed it in depth a few times. His refusal to do so is a pretty big deal. You didn't ask him to go pull a Sherman tank down the street with his penis. You asked him to tell you that you're beautiful to him. If that's such a big deal to him....well, it's interesting.

2. I definately don't mind when my (currently theoretical) girlfriend gets hit on by other guys, and I don't have any problems telling her I find another girl attractive...communication has to be open or else she ain't my girlfriend. However, I would feel like an ass if I constantly told her how hot I found other girls, didn't tell her I found her beautiful, and particularly so after she told me this is hurting her feelings. Something is rotten in Denmark

I'm not saying he doesn't love you. I'm not saying he's not attracted to you. I am saying something is going on, and if I were you I'd get to the bottom of it before you get married. If there is something deeper to this than his inability to communicate, find out now. I would also look at how his parents interact with each other.

edit: while it's on my mind, allow me to also say: I'm going to assume that you may indeed have some insecurity issues. Most people do. It may be related to your weight. It may not. Whatever. If you and this guy were doing the old friends avec les benefits; then it wouldn't be his responsibility to help you out in the compliments department. Might make him kind of a dickhead not to, but not really his job. If he's your fiance on the other hand, I think it's part of the bargain that you do things to help each other out...particularly something that's not really that hard to do. Maybe you are needing some help from him to help you with a little image problem...that's something I think you have a right to expect from someone you're going to spend the rest of life (theoretically) with.

Sage · 05-19-2005, 04:34 PM

amen, pigglet, amen!

twinkle · 05-19-2005, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sage

I still don't understand why you say in one breath that it's not a big deal and in the other breath keep coming to TFP saying "He never compliments me, we've had in-depth conversations about it, he's never said anything good about my body."

Because I started the thread, and questions keep rising in it, so I'm answering them. That's pretty much it.

I also think it's weird, obviously, or I'd never give it a second thought.

Thanks, guys/girls, for the comments and observations.

twinkle · 05-19-2005, 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pigglet

I would also look at how his parents interact with each other.

Well... his Dad compliments his Mom to her face, to other people, and to random pieces of furniture. He's arse over teakettle in love with her. When she appears, he often says "Here comes the pretty lady!" And I'm very happy for her, but I must say, it doesn't make me feel any better, because we can't even use the role model excuse.

twinkle · 05-19-2005, 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martel

If this guy just has trouble saying things about you looking nice or something, try working up to it.

Start with something like putting on something you know (or think) he likes, then asking him if he likes the way you look in it.

I've tried that. Didn't do anything. When I said, "Does this look nice?" he said "Yeah, looks nice" and then changed the subject. I took him clothes shopping with me and when I would directly ask him if it looked nice, he would say yes, even sound enthused. But that's being like... nagged into it. And it certainly didn't lead to anything spontaneous.

Like I said, maybe once a week he will dole out an offhanded, mild comment about something I'm wearing. But never anything about me specifically. He did go the opposite way and complain when I cut off my hair, to which I sharply replied that if he liked it, he should have said something nice about it when I had it, instead of raving about the hair of a girl we know to the point where he said it was so great he'd fuck her and she wouldn't even need a face. And just so you know, THOSE kind of comments are striken from our communication because in our talking, he DID understand what shit it was to talk like that in front of your significant other. Progress, I guess.

Anyway, I'm going to try talking to him again. And this will be the last time. If it doesn't change this time, I will just have to resign myself to the fact that that's the status quo. Because he's fantastic in every other way, and I really do love him.

KinkyKiwi · 05-23-2005, 08:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinkle

instead of raving about the hair of a girl we know to the point where he said it was so great he'd fuck her and she wouldn't even need a face. And just so you know, THOSE kind of comments are striken from our communication because in our talking, he DID understand what shit it was to talk like that in front of your significant other. Progress, I guess.

twinkle..if he can say that about another girl..to you..but doesnt show any appreciation for you, your sexuality, your body..everthing about you..you may be pure convienence... you deserve better..why would you want to be with someone who doesnt even seem to find you attractive?

JustJess · 05-23-2005, 09:16 AM

^^^ Yeah, that. I am officially worrying too much about you, twinkle. If you are truly happy with this guy, that's wonderful. But if you have any sort of doubts, and I mean the kind where you're wondering if he finds you attractive or that sort of thing, and not the "holy shit I'm getting married" type that everyone goes through... if you're having any doubts, well, think about it really hard. Marriage is a big deal. And we're worried that he isn't treating you as the special person you are. Sorry if I'm hyping on this... The road to hell is paved with good intentions, as the cliche goes...

chickentribs · 05-23-2005, 10:39 AM

Hey Twinkle, you mentioned that you and your fiancé had been friends before becoming romantic, and that his bawdy talk about girls was common from the start. It could be that because he fell in love with you as a friend first, he is more comfortable with you as his best friend and is finding it awkward to treat you intimately. Maybe he is confused because what you need from him has changed (as it should), and when guys get confused we tend to just clam up...

Another thought is that as people settle into a day-to-day routine with each other, guys especially seem to focus on keeping the big things in order and don't give the priority to small things like compliments. If you approach him in a fun way about it, and make it light but serious and get him in the habit of noticing small things about you, he may respond better than if he feels "scolded". For example, "ok, twinkguy - here's the deal, on Fridays I am going to have a surprise waiting for you at 6pm sharp. In order to get this excellent thing, you need to notice 2 different things a day about me Monday through Friday, AND TELL ME. If you miss one day you are stuck with 4 things in 1 day, so you better keep up." (flowers could count for 3 compliments

) The point is now it's a game and you can razz him when he forgets because he won't get his yo-yo, pez dispenser, or Play-dough come Friday.

I know it's goofy, and maybe I'm just a geek - but they say that habits form in 25 days of consistent behavior... Any more of the "fuck without a face" talk though and I say no toys at all! You deserve to be adored by your husband, don't compromise ~

KinkyKiwi · 05-24-2005, 04:27 PM

his play dough? please tell me thats code for something else? otherwise all these years i've been totally confused and i've been doing the relationship thing wrong. *goes off to buy biznatch some toy cars*

lindseylatch · 05-25-2005, 10:20 AM

holy crap...have sex with her even if she didn't have a face? How is that EVER ok?
I would feel like shit if my b/f said something like that about someone else...especially if he never said anything like that about me.
I like the reward system idea; it'll motivate him, and allow him to come up with stuff on his own. Although I think I'd say he has to notice positive things...
How the sex life? I mean, if I wasn't getting compliments, and I thought he didn't find me as attractive as the friend with the hair, then there would be no sex. Not as punishment, but just cause I wouldn't feel sexy...You'd think that would work as a reward system as well...

I guess he's never actually done it right to get the reward though.

Lead543 · 05-25-2005, 10:57 AM

I'd be angry if my boyfriend paid other girls compliments but barely gave me the time of day. I know what I am regardless of whether we're dating or not, I knew I was hot before him and I know I'm hot after him (hehe). But when you're with someone and they're supposed to love you and express that love in different ways....

I don't have any advice other then if he wants to pay other ladies compliments, he should do the same to you.

pig · 05-25-2005, 11:35 AM

Yeah, well I think the reward system and all this stuff sounds nice and all, but should be completely unnecessary. I'll be damned if I'd ever try to trick some girl I was dating into acting like she was into me. To me, that just sounds a little fucked up. However, each to their own - best of luck with this situation.

Sweetpea · 05-25-2005, 05:06 PM

Repeat after me:

_______ I'm worth more_______

Move on and find someone who can't get enough of looking at, complimenting and being with Twinkle.

Life is too short to be with anyone who isn't just perfect for you.

Sweetpea

twinkle · 05-25-2005, 05:07 PM

The other night, he said to me that he's just a loser when it comes to keeping all bases loaded, so to speak. He has less relationship experience and he thought he was doing pretty good.

He said that he's let compliments slide and he feels like shit about it. And that he does think nice things about me constantly, he just doesn't say them. And I told him to please not to start brightly and fakely complimenting everything I do, but please, when something nice about me pops into his head... SAY IT. And, it wasn't to me, but it was a start --- he posted on our obligatory wedding weblog (for those far away) that I looked beautiful in my dress.

kel · 05-26-2005, 11:08 AM

Acetylene on Kel's computer, doesn't know Kel's login info, so doesn't want to log him out (mods forgive me!):

Uptown, how could you say such a cruel thing! 20 pounds is NOTHING. For most women all 20 pounds means is a nice round ass, nice round titties, and nice comfy cuddles. Twinkle is FAR from grossly overweight and I am willing to bet money that she has several body areas which actually are improved by the extra weight, which her fiancee should be noticing and commenting on.

Twinkle, about your comment that it's his job to make you feel loved: my counselor always used to tell me that no one could MAKE anyone feel anything. But, they can give someone a reason to feel a way. Your fiancee does have the obligation to express his love to you, in a way that you an understand. It is his responsibility to learn to speak your love language; the reverse is also true (example: my father doesn't think I love him unless I critisize his eating habits--I have to tell him he's not drinking enough water at least once a month or he gets all depressed and thinks I don't care).

It does you no good for him to sit there, loving you desperately, but never saying a word. My ex may or may not have loved me--he certainly complained when I left him--but he was similarly unexpressive, so I couldn't tell. Eventually I got irritated with a relationship where I felt like a mere convenience, and I left.

You might be able to change this now, but I'd recommend premarital counseling. you can get a good price if you do this through the church, and they will support you 100%. A problem like this will probably need external help and guidance because it requires a change in the way the two of you relate, on a very fundamental level. I would not recommend you marry this man unless he succeeds in learning to express his love in a way that you can understand; you do not want to be trapped with an unloving husband 40 years down the line!

Lest I sound too harsh, let me reaffirm: even if you are as ugly as sin, someone who loves you will find you beautiful. It's a sort of glowing, starry-eyed, pink goggles beautiful, but it counts, and if he loves you, he will see you this way. Society's objective standard of beauty means nothing between a man and a woman when there is love to do the makeup.

twinkle · 05-29-2005, 06:54 PM

I read parts of your post to him, Acetylene, because it is really the most applicable thing I've read so far and worded the best. And it was like I cracked something there and he was REALLY open.

He said that deep down, part of him still feels like if he were to be very aggressive or overtly sexual in complimenting me, he would be rejected or I would be somehow offended (which makes sense, because he was pretty innocent and very nonaggressive physically when I met him and still often is shy about initiating --- but fucks up a storm when I initiate).

And while he didn't have anything emotionally invested in what other women would think of his compliments, if I were to be offended or reject a compliment or advance, he says it would crush him. He is basically afraid, he says that I intimidate him. And it was the best discussion we've had on the subject and I feel immensely relieved; within the context of his personality vs mine it makes so, so much sense.

So... thanks!!!

Sage · 05-29-2005, 10:03 PM

Huzzah for having a real, open, communicative conversation. THAT is what makes a marriage work- not a good sex life, not money, not a huge wedding, but true, open, and honest communication. Once you know what's going on, then you can begin to take steps to meet each other halfway and work through your problems. Now that you know what's going on with your fiancee, what are you going to do about it? How are you going to help him know that you love him and want him to be more agressive (in initiating sex/giving compliments)? I think that premarital counseling would be good as well- you say your fiancee didn't have a lot of relationship expierence before you. Having relationships leads you to learn from expierence what works and what doesn't, and when you don't have that expierence it's useful to learn how to cultivate a working marriage from someone who knows best (i.e. a pre-marital counselor). Good luck

!

twinkle · 05-30-2005, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sage

Huzzah for having a real, open, communicative conversation. THAT is what makes a marriage work- not a good sex life, not money, not a huge wedding, but true, open, and honest communication. Once you know what's going on, then you can begin to take steps to meet each other halfway and work through your problems. Now that you know what's going on with your fiancee, what are you going to do about it? How are you going to help him know that you love him and want him to be more agressive (in initiating sex/giving compliments)? I think that premarital counseling would be good as well- you say your fiancee didn't have a lot of relationship expierence before you. Having relationships leads you to learn from expierence what works and what doesn't, and when you don't have that expierence it's useful to learn how to cultivate a working marriage from someone who knows best (i.e. a pre-marital counselor). Good luck

!

We're definitely not having premarital counselling. Neither of us think we have problems that warrant that sort of step at this point --- it would be like calling in a water bomber to put out a match

This is one sore issue, out of a thousand issues where we are perfectly on target with one another.

The ball is in his court right now; and when he does compliment me I will be sure to thank him. Effusively, if the compliment warrants it, both with words and actions.

Just to add, we're most definitely not having a big wedding --- lest you think I'm staying with someone just for the sake of having "a big day", just to clarify 'cuz I noticed you mentioned "huge wedding" in your post. We're basically eloping. I'm definitely not one of "those girls" who loves the wedding more than the spouse.

Thanks again!

abaya · 05-31-2005, 12:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Acetylene

It is his responsibility to learn to speak your love language; the reverse is also true *snip* It does you no good for him to sit there, loving you desperately, but never saying a word.

Well said, Acetylene. Twinkle, maybe a good idea for you and your man (as a small pipette of water for this little match) would be to read "The Five Love Languages" book, or "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" (actually quite effective in changing gender-ingrained communication patterns).

Twinkle, it sounds like you (and this thread) really opened a chasm in him, and I am SOO very glad you were able to communicate on this issue... as much as you downplay it, we all know how important it is for someone to make an effort to meet you where your needs are. It is crucial that your partners knows (or is willing to learn) exactly how to make you feel most loved and adored. You are on your way!! Let us know how it goes.

EULA · 06-04-2005, 03:13 PM

twinkle: grow some balls. If he hasn't caught on by now, it's not going to happen. Cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

twinkle · 06-04-2005, 03:36 PM

EULA needs a hug. Or, to read the entire thread so he/she/it knows what's going on before commenting.

He's been doing great. For example, I left for work the other day, and as I was walking across the parking lot to my car, my cel rang. It was my fiance, and he said "look up!" and I did and he was on the balcony of our apartment, waving. And he said "I just wanted to say, you look great today. Love you!" I thought that was quite romantic. He's a lot more verbal and stuff, and it's great, and it's coming out very naturally. I guess he was just repressing it.

SiN · 06-04-2005, 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea

Life is too short to be with anyone who isn't just perfect for you.

no such thing as perfect.

and yes, that comes from a Virgo.

other than that, spot-on, sweetpea.

'perfect-enough' is a good idea(l)...

Sweetpea · 06-04-2005, 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SiN

no such thing as perfect.

and yes, that comes from a Virgo.

other than that, spot-on, sweetpea.

'perfect-enough' is a good idea(l)...

hehe perfect is a subjective term

i'd go with 'somewhat perfect'

Sweetpea

Sweetpea · 06-04-2005, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinkle

EULA needs a hug. Or, to read the entire thread so he/she/it knows what's going on before commenting.

He's been doing great. For example, I left for work the other day, and as I was walking across the parking lot to my car, my cel rang. It was my fiance, and he said "look up!" and I did and he was on the balcony of our apartment, waving. And he said "I just wanted to say, you look great today. Love you!" I thought that was quite romantic. He's a lot more verbal and stuff, and it's great, and it's coming out very naturally. I guess he was just repressing it.

Twinkle, i'm happy to hear this! Good job of communicating your needs!! Looks like you're getting the compliments and affection you deserve!

keep us posted!!

Sweetpea

EULA · 06-05-2005, 08:32 AM

Does anyone else see a sickness in the constant need for validation?

SiN · 06-05-2005, 10:21 AM

woah.

EULA, you could use a lesson in tact.

sickness, constant, need. those are strong words.

Now ...

I can see your point, and perhaps agree with it to a certain extent...a constant need for validation would definitely be a problem.
an occasional desire for validation is, only human.

there is a difference.

one should probably not see things as more extreme than they are.

twinkle · 06-05-2005, 07:38 PM

Who has a constant need for validation? Not me. I just want my fiance to compliment me once in a while. How anyone could think there's something wrong to want affection from one's life mate, I can't fathom.

EULA, medically speaking, you're a bit of an asshole.

JustJess · 06-06-2005, 10:20 AM

Agreed. EULA's clearly got an axe to grind.

On better notes - twinkle, I am SO SO SO SO glad to be wrong!! I apologize. I clearly underestimated your fiance, and I am delighted that he's starting to get it.
Congratulations, good work, and good luck!! Please post once in a while with some of those great moments - reading about it makes me smile big.

Hell has frozen over - I'm glad to be wrong!

*Rhapsody* · 06-06-2005, 03:29 PM

He's a shmuck. It is a dealbreaker. You need to experience a relationship with someone who tells you how beautiful you are, how good it feels to touch you, how soft your skin is, how sexy your body is, etc. etc....and then you will understand how shitty it is to be with someone who can't even barely muster a 'you look nice.' The hinch is, that if you talk about it with him...and he just starts saying compliments to say them and without really thinking/feeling them...then it is worse than if he didn't say them at all. Find someone who not only thinks them, but is able to express them to you as well. It will raise your self esteem and improve your sex life.

Acetylene · 06-06-2005, 05:02 PM

Woohoo, I feel all helpful

good luck, twinkle!

twinkle · 06-06-2005, 05:50 PM

*Rhapsody*, read the whole thread, plz.

The majority of you are so helpful and nurturing, and unfortunately, it makes the few who are on the bitterness kick stick out so much more.

Thanks to everyone who helped, especially Acetylene. I'm putting you on retainer

EULA · 06-07-2005, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinkle

EULA, medically speaking, you're a bit of an asshole.

I am a gentlemen. Gentlemen do not hurt people unintentionally.

Those who avoid painful truths will eventually be destroyed by them.

jRuntlets · 06-07-2005, 10:15 PM

Just a note: Is one of the mods going to dicipline EULA for the totally misdrected comments s/he is making? They're offensive and mean, and certanily not called for.

twinkle, I've been reading this thread through out it's progression and wanting to know more before I've commented. I think I've read enough to make a valid comment at this point. It's fantastic that you've talked to your fiancee about how you feel, because it's important that you feel special but it's also important in the long run to make it clear how you feel and when you feel you haven't gotten enough of (insert item here), or when you've been done wrong. Congrats! My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. We were friends for 6 years prior to our dating. I personally have found it hard to adjust to giving him compliments (the way I believe your fiancee has had difficulty adjusting) because personally I don't come from a backround of complimenting people, as well as being complimented. I think when he came home on leave in May we finally got over that akwardness, we're starting to compliment each other without it feeling weird. I'm glad you are able to stand up for yourself, and see that just because you talk about it once doesn't mean that they'll remember. Men and women alike tend to need to be reminded of these things despite the fact that we feel like we're nagging them.

Best of Luck!

pig · 06-08-2005, 06:41 AM

Hmmm...checking back in.

twinkle: I'm glad y'all have made some headway on this issue. While I doubt very seriously this will be last time the issue will come up - learned behaviors are difficult to modify, etc - I certainly am glad to hear that y'all were able to talk. You seem happy with the current status, and afterall relationships are constantly in a state of construction, so to speak.

Re: EULA: Ignore him/she/it. The comment "I am a gentlemen. Gentlemen do not hurt people unintentionally." is so irrational it can only be trolling.

KingOtter67 · 06-08-2005, 06:51 AM

This is a tough one.

And without writing a novel of background information, I am a little bit in the same boat as you with my wife of 9 years. I would be very happy if we were still in the can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other part of the relationship and she has backed off from that.

So I agonized for a long time (years) what I could do about it, what does it mean, does she not love me, does she not find me attractive, does she not ... does she not.... blah blah. We've talked about it and generally the most I can get is an 'I don't know' from her.

So anyway... I decided I'm going to stop letting my confidence and esteem rest with her acceptance (my definition of her acceptance, to be completely clear), and find acceptance in myself, of myself.

I still love her, she still thrills me, and we still have a pretty good sex life (albeit a bit one-sided for the most part). And I'm positive she still loves me. I've just stopped putting my requirements on her expressions of her love.

Sure, sure, I slip back into it from time to time, but for the most part it has unburdened me.

Edit: Doh, just realized I only read the first page of the thread. Sorry.

iamabanana · 06-08-2005, 09:44 AM

I think that you might expect too much out of him. You're being really defensive on this forum about why you feel you need this attention which has me wondering a bit. I don't understand why you're getting married if there is a problem such as this, which can turn into something huge. My husband's not a sentimental/romantic guy, but then again I knew that when I married him and I don't expect compliments all of the time. I'm secure enough in myself to know what I am and who I am.

My point is this: Don't rely on others to assure you in who you are. Rely on yourself.

st33lr4t · 06-08-2005, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EULA

I am a gentlemen. Gentlemen do not hurt people unintentionally.

Those who avoid painful truths will eventually be destroyed by them.

did you read this thread? or are blanket statements your game?

EULA · 06-08-2005, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pigglet

Ignore him/she/it. The comment "I am a gentlemen. Gentlemen do not hurt people unintentionally." is so irrational it can only be trolling.

Irrational? I got a book for you to read: A World Waiting To Be Born. Ever heard of that saying, "Real friends stab you in the front."?

Quote:

Originally Posted by st33lr4t

did you read this thread? or are blanket statements your game?

Yes.

pig · 06-09-2005, 05:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EULA

Irrational? I got a book for you to read: A World Waiting To Be Born. Ever heard of that saying, "Real friends stab you in the front."?

Yes, irrational. Gentlemen do not hurt people unintentionally is simply foolish to say. They do it all the time. Everyone does it all the time. You can't control other's reactions to your actions, thus you have no control how it makes them feel, thus the notion that somehow you (if you are, indeed a gentleman - somewhat of a dubious claim given the nature of your responses in this thread) never unintentionally hurt anyone's feelings is absurd.

mild edit: This whole point is only mildly related to the actual content of this thread. Sorry for the threadjack. I have no particular intention to pursue any further. However, EULA if the point is something you wish to follow up on, please feel free to start a thread on it.

05-19-2005, 02:55 PM	#41 (permalink)
Martel Insane Location: Sage's bed	If this guy just has trouble saying things about you looking nice or something, try working up to it. Start with something like putting on something you know (or think) he likes, then asking him if he likes the way you look in it. If he says YEAH!!, then there you go, thats an avenue towards getting compliments. If he says well.. eh, not really, or waffles, then ask him to go in your closet and find something that he really likes to see you in so that you can wear it. If he can't really find anything, tell him that you're going to take him out to some stores and that you're not coming home until he finds at least one item of clothing that he would like to see you wear. To me, this whole issue does not make sense. Even people who marginally enjoy being around each other will compliment each other on things. For you to say he doesn't ever and has not ever once complimented you on anything related to your appearance tells me that there is something weird going on here. __________________ Anamnesis

05-19-2005, 03:22 PM	#42 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	I'm going to back the redflags here; from the male perspective I have to say that 1. When I'm into a chick, I generally let her know. Compliments are huge, they should be genuine, and it's sort of common knowledge that most people, not just the ladies, like to be complimented. I fail to understand how your SO could not be aware of this, specifically given that you've discussed it in depth a few times. His refusal to do so is a pretty big deal. You didn't ask him to go pull a Sherman tank down the street with his penis. You asked him to tell you that you're beautiful to him. If that's such a big deal to him....well, it's interesting. 2. I definately don't mind when my (currently theoretical) girlfriend gets hit on by other guys, and I don't have any problems telling her I find another girl attractive...communication has to be open or else she ain't my girlfriend. However, I would feel like an ass if I constantly told her how hot I found other girls, didn't tell her I found her beautiful, and particularly so after she told me this is hurting her feelings. Something is rotten in Denmark I'm not saying he doesn't love you. I'm not saying he's not attracted to you. I am saying something is going on, and if I were you I'd get to the bottom of it before you get married. If there is something deeper to this than his inability to communicate, find out now. I would also look at how his parents interact with each other. edit: while it's on my mind, allow me to also say: I'm going to assume that you may indeed have some insecurity issues. Most people do. It may be related to your weight. It may not. Whatever. If you and this guy were doing the old friends avec les benefits; then it wouldn't be his responsibility to help you out in the compliments department. Might make him kind of a dickhead not to, but not really his job. If he's your fiance on the other hand, I think it's part of the bargain that you do things to help each other out...particularly something that's not really that hard to do. Maybe you are needing some help from him to help you with a little image problem...that's something I think you have a right to expect from someone you're going to spend the rest of life (theoretically) with. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style Last edited by pig; 05-19-2005 at 03:31 PM..

05-19-2005, 04:34 PM	#43 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	amen, pigglet, amen! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

05-23-2005, 09:16 AM	#48 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	^^^ Yeah, that. I am officially worrying too much about you, twinkle. If you are truly happy with this guy, that's wonderful. But if you have any sort of doubts, and I mean the kind where you're wondering if he finds you attractive or that sort of thing, and not the "holy shit I'm getting married" type that everyone goes through... if you're having any doubts, well, think about it really hard. Marriage is a big deal. And we're worried that he isn't treating you as the special person you are. Sorry if I'm hyping on this... The road to hell is paved with good intentions, as the cliche goes... __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

05-23-2005, 10:39 AM	#49 (permalink)
chickentribs Addict Location: Mansion by day/Secret Lair by night	Hey Twinkle, you mentioned that you and your fiancé had been friends before becoming romantic, and that his bawdy talk about girls was common from the start. It could be that because he fell in love with you as a friend first, he is more comfortable with you as his best friend and is finding it awkward to treat you intimately. Maybe he is confused because what you need from him has changed (as it should), and when guys get confused we tend to just clam up... Another thought is that as people settle into a day-to-day routine with each other, guys especially seem to focus on keeping the big things in order and don't give the priority to small things like compliments. If you approach him in a fun way about it, and make it light but serious and get him in the habit of noticing small things about you, he may respond better than if he feels "scolded". For example, "ok, twinkguy - here's the deal, on Fridays I am going to have a surprise waiting for you at 6pm sharp. In order to get this excellent thing, you need to notice 2 different things a day about me Monday through Friday, AND TELL ME. If you miss one day you are stuck with 4 things in 1 day, so you better keep up." (flowers could count for 3 compliments ) The point is now it's a game and you can razz him when he forgets because he won't get his yo-yo, pez dispenser, or Play-dough come Friday. I know it's goofy, and maybe I'm just a geek - but they say that habits form in 25 days of consistent behavior... Any more of the "fuck without a face" talk though and I say no toys at all! You deserve to be adored by your husband, don't compromise ~ __________________ Oft expectation fails... and most oft there Where most it promises - Shakespeare, W.

05-24-2005, 04:27 PM	#50 (permalink)
KinkyKiwi "Without the fuzz" Location: ..too close for comfort..	his play dough? please tell me thats code for something else? otherwise all these years i've been totally confused and i've been doing the relationship thing wrong. goes off to buy biznatch some toy cars __________________ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

05-25-2005, 10:20 AM	#51 (permalink)
lindseylatch Addict Location: Seattle, WA	holy crap...have sex with her even if she didn't have a face? How is that EVER ok? I would feel like shit if my b/f said something like that about someone else...especially if he never said anything like that about me. I like the reward system idea; it'll motivate him, and allow him to come up with stuff on his own. Although I think I'd say he has to notice positive things... How the sex life? I mean, if I wasn't getting compliments, and I thought he didn't find me as attractive as the friend with the hair, then there would be no sex. Not as punishment, but just cause I wouldn't feel sexy...You'd think that would work as a reward system as well... I guess he's never actually done it right to get the reward though. __________________ "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities" "If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him." "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." -Voltaire

05-25-2005, 10:57 AM	#52 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	I'd be angry if my boyfriend paid other girls compliments but barely gave me the time of day. I know what I am regardless of whether we're dating or not, I knew I was hot before him and I know I'm hot after him (hehe). But when you're with someone and they're supposed to love you and express that love in different ways.... I don't have any advice other then if he wants to pay other ladies compliments, he should do the same to you.

05-25-2005, 11:35 AM	#53 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	Yeah, well I think the reward system and all this stuff sounds nice and all, but should be completely unnecessary. I'll be damned if I'd ever try to trick some girl I was dating into acting like she was into me. To me, that just sounds a little fucked up. However, each to their own - best of luck with this situation. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

05-25-2005, 05:06 PM	#54 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	Repeat after me: _______ I'm worth more_______ Move on and find someone who can't get enough of looking at, complimenting and being with Twinkle. Life is too short to be with anyone who isn't just perfect for you. Sweetpea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

05-25-2005, 05:07 PM	#55 (permalink)
twinkle Upright	The other night, he said to me that he's just a loser when it comes to keeping all bases loaded, so to speak. He has less relationship experience and he thought he was doing pretty good. He said that he's let compliments slide and he feels like shit about it. And that he does think nice things about me constantly, he just doesn't say them. And I told him to please not to start brightly and fakely complimenting everything I do, but please, when something nice about me pops into his head... SAY IT. And, it wasn't to me, but it was a start --- he posted on our obligatory wedding weblog (for those far away) that I looked beautiful in my dress.

05-26-2005, 11:08 AM	#56 (permalink)
kel WARNING: FLAMMABLE Location: Ask Acetylene	Acetylene on Kel's computer, doesn't know Kel's login info, so doesn't want to log him out (mods forgive me!): Uptown, how could you say such a cruel thing! 20 pounds is NOTHING. For most women all 20 pounds means is a nice round ass, nice round titties, and nice comfy cuddles. Twinkle is FAR from grossly overweight and I am willing to bet money that she has several body areas which actually are improved by the extra weight, which her fiancee should be noticing and commenting on. Twinkle, about your comment that it's his job to make you feel loved: my counselor always used to tell me that no one could MAKE anyone feel anything. But, they can give someone a reason to feel a way. Your fiancee does have the obligation to express his love to you, in a way that you an understand. It is his responsibility to learn to speak your love language; the reverse is also true (example: my father doesn't think I love him unless I critisize his eating habits--I have to tell him he's not drinking enough water at least once a month or he gets all depressed and thinks I don't care). It does you no good for him to sit there, loving you desperately, but never saying a word. My ex may or may not have loved me--he certainly complained when I left him--but he was similarly unexpressive, so I couldn't tell. Eventually I got irritated with a relationship where I felt like a mere convenience, and I left. You might be able to change this now, but I'd recommend premarital counseling. you can get a good price if you do this through the church, and they will support you 100%. A problem like this will probably need external help and guidance because it requires a change in the way the two of you relate, on a very fundamental level. I would not recommend you marry this man unless he succeeds in learning to express his love in a way that you can understand; you do not want to be trapped with an unloving husband 40 years down the line! Lest I sound too harsh, let me reaffirm: even if you are as ugly as sin, someone who loves you will find you beautiful. It's a sort of glowing, starry-eyed, pink goggles beautiful, but it counts, and if he loves you, he will see you this way. Society's objective standard of beauty means nothing between a man and a woman when there is love to do the makeup. __________________ "It better be funny"

05-29-2005, 06:54 PM	#57 (permalink)
twinkle Upright	I read parts of your post to him, Acetylene, because it is really the most applicable thing I've read so far and worded the best. And it was like I cracked something there and he was REALLY open. He said that deep down, part of him still feels like if he were to be very aggressive or overtly sexual in complimenting me, he would be rejected or I would be somehow offended (which makes sense, because he was pretty innocent and very nonaggressive physically when I met him and still often is shy about initiating --- but fucks up a storm when I initiate). And while he didn't have anything emotionally invested in what other women would think of his compliments, if I were to be offended or reject a compliment or advance, he says it would crush him. He is basically afraid, he says that I intimidate him. And it was the best discussion we've had on the subject and I feel immensely relieved; within the context of his personality vs mine it makes so, so much sense. So... thanks!!!

05-29-2005, 10:03 PM	#58 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Huzzah for having a real, open, communicative conversation. THAT is what makes a marriage work- not a good sex life, not money, not a huge wedding, but true, open, and honest communication. Once you know what's going on, then you can begin to take steps to meet each other halfway and work through your problems. Now that you know what's going on with your fiancee, what are you going to do about it? How are you going to help him know that you love him and want him to be more agressive (in initiating sex/giving compliments)? I think that premarital counseling would be good as well- you say your fiancee didn't have a lot of relationship expierence before you. Having relationships leads you to learn from expierence what works and what doesn't, and when you don't have that expierence it's useful to learn how to cultivate a working marriage from someone who knows best (i.e. a pre-marital counselor). Good luck ! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

06-04-2005, 03:13 PM	#61 (permalink)
EULA Crazy Location: Bowling Green, KY	twinkle: grow some balls. If he hasn't caught on by now, it's not going to happen. Cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it. Last edited by EULA; 06-04-2005 at 03:18 PM..

06-04-2005, 03:36 PM	#62 (permalink)
twinkle Upright	EULA needs a hug. Or, to read the entire thread so he/she/it knows what's going on before commenting. He's been doing great. For example, I left for work the other day, and as I was walking across the parking lot to my car, my cel rang. It was my fiance, and he said "look up!" and I did and he was on the balcony of our apartment, waving. And he said "I just wanted to say, you look great today. Love you!" I thought that was quite romantic. He's a lot more verbal and stuff, and it's great, and it's coming out very naturally. I guess he was just repressing it.

06-05-2005, 08:32 AM	#66 (permalink)
EULA Crazy Location: Bowling Green, KY	Does anyone else see a sickness in the constant need for validation?

06-05-2005, 10:21 AM	#67 (permalink)
SiN strangelove Location: ...more here than there...	woah. EULA, you could use a lesson in tact. sickness, constant, need. those are strong words. Now ... I can see your point, and perhaps agree with it to a certain extent...a constant need for validation would definitely be a problem. an occasional desire for validation is, only human. there is a difference. one should probably not see things as more extreme than they are. __________________ - + - ° GiRLie GeeK ° - + - ° 01110010011011110110111101110100001000000110110101100101 Therell be days/When Ill stray/I may appear to be/Constantly out of reach/I give in to sin/Because I like to practise what I preach

06-05-2005, 07:38 PM	#68 (permalink)
twinkle Upright	Who has a constant need for validation? Not me. I just want my fiance to compliment me once in a while. How anyone could think there's something wrong to want affection from one's life mate, I can't fathom. EULA, medically speaking, you're a bit of an asshole.

06-06-2005, 10:20 AM	#69 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	Agreed. EULA's clearly got an axe to grind. On better notes - twinkle, I am SO SO SO SO glad to be wrong!! I apologize. I clearly underestimated your fiance, and I am delighted that he's starting to get it. Congratulations, good work, and good luck!! Please post once in a while with some of those great moments - reading about it makes me smile big. Hell has frozen over - I'm glad to be wrong! __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

06-06-2005, 03:29 PM	#70 (permalink)
Rhapsody Upright Location: Wild Wild West	He's a shmuck. It is a dealbreaker. You need to experience a relationship with someone who tells you how beautiful you are, how good it feels to touch you, how soft your skin is, how sexy your body is, etc. etc....and then you will understand how shitty it is to be with someone who can't even barely muster a 'you look nice.' The hinch is, that if you talk about it with him...and he just starts saying compliments to say them and without really thinking/feeling them...then it is worse than if he didn't say them at all. Find someone who not only thinks them, but is able to express them to you as well. It will raise your self esteem and improve your sex life.

06-06-2005, 05:02 PM	#71 (permalink)
Acetylene Addict Location: under a rock	Woohoo, I feel all helpful good luck, twinkle! __________________ There's no justice. There's just us.

06-06-2005, 05:50 PM	#72 (permalink)
twinkle Upright	Rhapsody, read the whole thread, plz. The majority of you are so helpful and nurturing, and unfortunately, it makes the few who are on the bitterness kick stick out so much more. Thanks to everyone who helped, especially Acetylene. I'm putting you on retainer

06-07-2005, 10:15 PM	#74 (permalink)
jRuntlets Crazy	Just a note: Is one of the mods going to dicipline EULA for the totally misdrected comments s/he is making? They're offensive and mean, and certanily not called for. twinkle, I've been reading this thread through out it's progression and wanting to know more before I've commented. I think I've read enough to make a valid comment at this point. It's fantastic that you've talked to your fiancee about how you feel, because it's important that you feel special but it's also important in the long run to make it clear how you feel and when you feel you haven't gotten enough of (insert item here), or when you've been done wrong. Congrats! My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. We were friends for 6 years prior to our dating. I personally have found it hard to adjust to giving him compliments (the way I believe your fiancee has had difficulty adjusting) because personally I don't come from a backround of complimenting people, as well as being complimented. I think when he came home on leave in May we finally got over that akwardness, we're starting to compliment each other without it feeling weird. I'm glad you are able to stand up for yourself, and see that just because you talk about it once doesn't mean that they'll remember. Men and women alike tend to need to be reminded of these things despite the fact that we feel like we're nagging them. Best of Luck! __________________ Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.

06-08-2005, 06:41 AM	#75 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	Hmmm...checking back in. twinkle: I'm glad y'all have made some headway on this issue. While I doubt very seriously this will be last time the issue will come up - learned behaviors are difficult to modify, etc - I certainly am glad to hear that y'all were able to talk. You seem happy with the current status, and afterall relationships are constantly in a state of construction, so to speak. Re: EULA: Ignore him/she/it. The comment "I am a gentlemen. Gentlemen do not hurt people unintentionally." is so irrational it can only be trolling. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

06-08-2005, 06:51 AM	#76 (permalink)
KingOtter67 Upright	This is a tough one. And without writing a novel of background information, I am a little bit in the same boat as you with my wife of 9 years. I would be very happy if we were still in the can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other part of the relationship and she has backed off from that. So I agonized for a long time (years) what I could do about it, what does it mean, does she not love me, does she not find me attractive, does she not ... does she not.... blah blah. We've talked about it and generally the most I can get is an 'I don't know' from her. So anyway... I decided I'm going to stop letting my confidence and esteem rest with her acceptance (my definition of her acceptance, to be completely clear), and find acceptance in myself, of myself. I still love her, she still thrills me, and we still have a pretty good sex life (albeit a bit one-sided for the most part). And I'm positive she still loves me. I've just stopped putting my requirements on her expressions of her love. Sure, sure, I slip back into it from time to time, but for the most part it has unburdened me. Edit: Doh, just realized I only read the first page of the thread. Sorry. __________________ KingOtter You can't push on a rope. Last edited by KingOtter67; 06-08-2005 at 06:51 AM.. Reason: Read whole thread

06-08-2005, 09:44 AM	#77 (permalink)
iamabanana Upright Location: Behind you.	I think that you might expect too much out of him. You're being really defensive on this forum about why you feel you need this attention which has me wondering a bit. I don't understand why you're getting married if there is a problem such as this, which can turn into something huge. My husband's not a sentimental/romantic guy, but then again I knew that when I married him and I don't expect compliments all of the time. I'm secure enough in myself to know what I am and who I am. My point is this: Don't rely on others to assure you in who you are. Rely on yourself.