Are our SO's Merely Toys?? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Sweetpea · 01-20-2005, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by uptown

Hmmm... this topic really got me thinking past my knee jerk response of no, of course I'd never cheat.

I know so many people who report either non-existant or really dull, boring sex lives with their spouses. Yet, if anybody cheated there'd be hell to pay. To me it begs the question of, if you don't want or desire your spouse, why should they be forced to just sit there and quietly wither away?

It kinda reminds me of kids that have an old favorite toy that they've outgrown or have no interest in, they no longer play with the toy but they'll throw a fit if mom goes to give it to another kid to play with.

Are our spouses's like toys ? We no longer want em but we'll throw a fit if somebody else does ?

I think Uptown was onto something here, it was posted in the cheater or not to cheat thread . . .
And although i have been married awhile and our sex life is still kicking along gleefully . . . i can't help but wonder what happens after being married for a long time . ..
Can one really get tired of having sex with their SO?

Comments?!

omid · 01-20-2005, 06:30 PM

the answer is yes and no. it's all in your head.

Carno · 01-20-2005, 07:27 PM

Quote:

To me it begs the question of, if you don't want or desire your spouse, why should they be forced to just sit there and quietly wither away?

If you don't want or desire your spouse, why should they be forced to endure the emotional turmoil of being betrayed by someone they trust? It's not their fault you don't desire them. Plus, people have feelings and emotions, toys do not. They don't place their heart in your hands. They don't care if you play with other toys or even throw them away. Comparing a toy to a spouse simply shows the level of selfishness one has. A mature person would talk about the problems of the relationship, as they arise, and deal with them. Staying with someone until you're so bored that you feel the need to cheat is your own fault. You could have let your spouse know how you really felt, instead of keeping it in, and then cheating like an asshole.

I am of the opinion that cheating is never justified. NEVER. At the very least, you could call your spouse, tell them you've found another person, break up, and then go do your lowlife deed. I hold very little respect for people who have cheated.

El Kaz · 01-20-2005, 07:38 PM

The best way to learn it is to live it. Just look at how you feel about yout SO... could you even compare it to what you'd ever feel for even the best of your toy? I mean, if it's really your SO and not a mere bed-buddy, the layers of emotions and feeling will be heaps more complex for him/her.. does it even need describing?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carn

At the very least, you could call your spouse, tell them you've found another person, break up, and then go do your lowlife deed. I hold very little respect for people who have cheated.

Sooo true. I actually used pretty much the same exageration everytime I discuss the subject of cheating. If you want the "benefits" of a better relationship, or of the freedom of celibacy, then be honorable and take the bad sides of it as well.. get rid of your previous engagements. Do it like an ass if you must, but do it nonetheless, it'll still be better than playing in people's back, especially of people who care, trust, and probably still love you.. that's a darn low.

shortynickel · 01-20-2005, 09:07 PM

I dont think she actually meant a REAL toy!

anyway...my sex life wasnt the greatest til, i would say a year ago when i went to my wife and mentioned to her how i felt...also we have different sleep schedules in the past i wouldnt go to bed til 2 or so in the morning and lately i have been going to be sooner so it has gotten better, not just for that reason tho.

If i read into her post right, I myself dont play my SO like a toy, but i sure as hell can see ppl playing with their SO's like they were a toy.

Carno · 01-20-2005, 09:14 PM

Eh? You don't think she meant treating them like a real toy? Is there a fake toy? I don't think I understand....

EDIT: or did you mean to say, "REALLY treating them like a toy?"

Sweetpea · 01-20-2005, 10:38 PM

Let me please clairfy that Uptown stated that he has NOT cheated on his SO, nor does he condone it . . . as you can see in the cheating thread if you refer to it, Uptown was merely bringing up the interesting point of how lack of sex and affection affects marriages, i don't think he LITERALLY meant his SO treats him like a toy or vice versa . . . it was merely an illustration of his feelings . . . which i think are reflected by many people . . . Uptown has appeared to me in all his posts as an upstanding and honorable husband . . .

I myself do not think of my SO as a toy either of course . . . he is my best friend and our marriage is not based on sex . . . I just posted this thread to get a pulse on what the TFP community felt about this topic . . .

this thread was meant to illustrate, not be taken literally . . . although perhaps i should have clarified that right from the beginning . . . my bad, sorry!

Please continue this discussion . . .

I think the real point Uptown was trying to get at . . .
Is if you don't wish to touch your spouse at all or please them or have intimate contact with them . . . What implications does that have in a marriage??

thanks everyone!!

uptown · 01-21-2005, 12:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea

Let me please clairfy that Uptown stated that he has NOT cheated on his SO, nor does he condone it . . . as you can see in the cheating thread if you refer to it, Uptown was merely bringing up the interesting point of how lack of sex and affection affects marriages, i don't think he LITERALLY meant his SO treats him like a toy or vice versa . . . it was merely an illustration of his feelings . . . which i think are reflected by many people . . . Uptown has appeared to me in all his posts as an upstanding and honorable husband . . .

I myself do not think of my SO as a toy either of course . . . he is my best friend and our marriage is not based on sex . . . I just posted this thread to get a pulse on what the TFP community felt about this topic . . .

this thread was meant to illustrate, not be taken literally . . . although perhaps i should have clarified that right from the beginning . . . my bad, sorry!

Please continue this discussion . . .

I think the real point Uptown was trying to get at . . .
Is if you don't wish to touch your spouse at all or please them or have intimate contact with them . . . What implications does that have in a marriage??

thanks everyone!!

Sex/intimacy is an important part of a marriage, without it you might as well be living with a sibling imho. I do not advocate cheating but I have to scratch my head in amazement at folks who do the following things then cry foul if the spouse they've abandoned steps out with another,no matter how discretely.

Anybody recognize any of these all too common behaviors ?

When sex becomes a 5 minute grope and poke once a week in the dark out of sheer obligation.

When sex is scheduled around your favorite TV programs.

When you expect sex after an evening in which you basically ignored your spouse.

When your most intense orgams are had by yourself in the den facing the porn on your computer monitor.

When you need intensive visualition/thoughts of others to have sex with your spouse.

When you only want sex when you want it but never when your partner does.If they don't go for it when you're in the mood,well too bad too sad,they won't be getting any again
for awhile ?

When your bedroom moves have become so routine that your spouse can list them in order.

When you become irritable/angry if your spouse dares to discuss any of the above.

How can you then get angry and rightious if after awhile of this your spouse strays?

Don't the actions above indicate that you are no longer sexually interested in your spouse? Is your spouse supposed to just quitely accept this state of affairs? For how long ?

How can it be "cheating" if you've basically opted out of the sexual part of your marriage ?

Charlatan · 01-21-2005, 05:58 AM

This is why prostitution, strip clubs and massage parlours exist... all the sex and titilation without the messy entanglements that come with and "affair".

As someone once put it, you are actually paying the prostitute to leave.

Kalnaur · 01-21-2005, 08:18 AM

Significant others are only toys for your disposal if you think they are. Like omid said, it's all in your head.

uptown · 01-21-2005, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kalnaur

Significant others are only toys for your disposal if you think they are. Like omid said, it's all in your head.

Unfortunately for many it not "all in their head"

How can somebody treat an SO in the ways listed above and expect that they'll just sit there and remain faithful ?

Averett · 01-21-2005, 11:48 AM

These things should never happen in a marriage where the two people involved are able to COMMUNICATE with eachother.

drewpy · 01-21-2005, 01:13 PM

This to me is a complex and important topic. Thank you, UPTOWN for sharing your insights, I couldn't have penned better. I am married 20 yrs and have loads of experience with this topic. Too much in fact.

It is not so easy as to say as Averett does - just communicate. That's crucial but not always possible. Commitment in a relationship has many faces - some not obvious. For example, who's more committed to a sexy healthy relationship - the SO who "checks out" as in UPTOWN's litany yet never cheats - or the SO who looks for ways to fill the void (even if not formally cheating).

To respond to one of Sweet Pea's original questions - can one tire of sex with their SO? I hope you keep that attitude and you'll likely be blessed with a long, sexy and healthy relationship!

Sweetpea · 01-21-2005, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drewpy

This to me is a complex and important topic. Thank you, UPTOWN for sharing your insights, I couldn't have penned better. I am married 20 yrs and have loads of experience with this topic. Too much in fact.

It is not so easy as to say as Averett does - just communicate. That's crucial but not always possible. Commitment in a relationship has many faces - some not obvious. For example, who's more committed to a sexy healthy relationship - the SO who "checks out" as in UPTOWN's litany yet never cheats - or the SO who looks for ways to fill the void (even if not formally cheating).

Thank you drewpy for bringing up your insight to this disucssion . . . this is happening all around us and is what the show Desperate housewivies is based on . . . with a large percentage of American marriages being SEXLESS . . . it's no wonder intimacy is one of the top things married couple fight about . . .

thanks again for your insight . . please continue to add it to this discussion and share your personal comments . . .

sweetpea

Sweetpea · 01-21-2005, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Averett

These things should never happen in a marriage where the two people involved are able to COMMUNICATE with eachother.

Thank you Averett for your comment, i would like to address it . . .

. . . if one spouse is COMMUNICATING "I need more sex" and the other spouse doesn't seem to care or isn't interested in intimacy . . . then what?? How many times should he tell her he needs more intimate moments? 5? 100?300?

My brother and sister in law are in this situation and have been according to her from the moment they got married 10 years ago . . . He wants to have more sex . . . she doesn't enjoy sex much and would prefer to have it like twice a month . . . They are otherwise a happy couple and communicate very well with their thoughts and feelings. . . but can't get it right in the bedroom because their sex drives are so divergently different . . . Then What do people do? Do you leave your otherwise perfect spouse, who is your best friend? No, probably not . . . But what does he do about the fact that he isn't getting an intimacy and she isn't interested in giving it to him??

Thanks!
sweetpea

uptown · 01-21-2005, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea

Thank you Averett for your comment, i would like to address it . . .

. . . if one spouse is COMMUNICATING "I need more sex" and the other spouse doesn't seem to care or isn't interested in intimacy . . . then what?? How many times should he tell her he needs more intimate moments? 5? 100?300?

My brother and sister in law are in this situation and have been according to her from the moment they got married 10 years ago . . . He wants to have more sex . . . she doesn't enjoy sex much and would prefer to have it like twice a month . . . They are otherwise a happy couple and communicate very well with their thoughts and feelings. . . but can't get it right in the bedroom because their sex drives are so divergently different . . . Then What do people do? Do you leave your otherwise perfect spouse, who is your best friend? No, probably not . . . But what does he do about the fact that he isn't getting an intimacy and she isn't interested in giving it to him??

Thanks!
sweetpea

from what I've seen it's usually the partner with the higher sex drive who ends up losing out in these situations.

Another thing that's important to consider BEFORE marriage/commitment is compatability of sex drives.You see lots of advice telling couples to be sure their values and long term goals mesh before saying their I do's but seldom do you see the topic of sexual compatability mentioned.

What is the high desire partner to do when all efforts at communication fail?

uptown · 01-21-2005, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea

Thank you Averett for your comment, i would like to address it . . .

. . . if one spouse is COMMUNICATING "I need more sex" and the other spouse doesn't seem to care or isn't interested in intimacy . . . then what?? How many times should he tell her he needs more intimate moments? 5? 100?300?

My brother and sister in law are in this situation and have been according to her from the moment they got married 10 years ago . . . He wants to have more sex . . . she doesn't enjoy sex much and would prefer to have it like twice a month . . . They are otherwise a happy couple and communicate very well with their thoughts and feelings. . . but can't get it right in the bedroom because their sex drives are so divergently different . . . Then What do people do? Do you leave your otherwise perfect spouse, who is your best friend? No, probably not . . . But what does he do about the fact that he isn't getting an intimacy and she isn't interested in giving it to him??

Thanks!
sweetpea

from what I've seen it's usually the partner with the higher sex drive who ends up losing out in these situations.

ooops double post !

btw,this discussion is getting really good !

Sweetpea · 01-21-2005, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by uptown

Sex/intimacy is an important part of a marriage, without it you might as well be living with a sibling imho. I do not advocate cheating but I have to scratch my head in amazement at folks who do the following things then cry foul if the spouse they've abandoned steps out with another,no matter how discretely.
How can it be "cheating" if you've basically opted out of the sexual part of your marriage ?

Why Uptown are you choosing to stay in your marriage then?? You are obviously very frustrated with the state of things . . . What do you get out of your marriage? emotional support? There must be a reason why you stay and remain faithful . . .?

I am a bit of an anomaly as far as woman go . . . i like sex every day, i have a high sex drive that matches my spouse . . . we've been together for a long, long time, 9 years together, 3 years married . . . We have communicated our sexual needs during the span of our relationship . . . I had sexless marriage dicussion with my husband last night after reading these posts . . . And it was an interesting response he gave . . .
If he just stopped being intimate with me or grew uninterested in our sex life altogether and it wasn't just a phase . . . He said he would allow me to openly take a lover, since he couldn't satisfy me or didn't want to, he felt it would be unfair to force me to be celibate . . . But i am not sure I would take a lover, i don't approve of cheating . . . I am not sure if i would stay married to him if we were in a sexless marriage, albeit, sex isn't Everything, i am NOT saying that sex is That important that i would nessasarily break up over it . . . but it is important human need to have intimacy and since i am a sexual person, it is a small but important part of my existence on this planet . . . I think what makes a marriage is lots of communication, mutual friendship and SHARED intimacy . . . Take out the intimacy part and what do you have? Just living with your good friend?

So, it begs the question:

If you are just cohabitating with your spouse . . . than isn't that more like a roomate than a wife/husband??

Why don't you just leave then? Why don't people leave sexless marriages? Why do they stay?

That sounds a little harsh . . . but i am merely illustrating a point, so everyone please don't jump on that with a knee jerk response

I know of several couples who are in sexless marriages . . . and i know there are many of them out there . . . how are people addressing that issue?

Thanks everyone for your posts, please continue to share as i feel this topic touches a nerve with many, many couples . . .! Be candid! Thanks!

sweetpea

Sweetpea · 01-21-2005, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shortynickel

I dont think she actually meant a REAL toy!

anyway...my sex life wasnt the greatest til, i would say a year ago when i went to my wife and mentioned to her how i felt...also we have different sleep schedules in the past i wouldnt go to bed til 2 or so in the morning and lately i have been going to be sooner so it has gotten better, not just for that reason tho.

If i read into her post right, I myself dont play my SO like a toy, but i sure as hell can see ppl playing with their SO's like they were a toy.

shortynickel . . . that is fantastic that you are communicating your needs to your spouse and vice versa . . . and that you adjusted your schedules to be in bed at the same time . . . often, having a good sex life takes compromise on what are "horny" times for each spouse. . . aka, some spouses like it in the morning, some at night . . . gotta adjust!

shortynickel · 01-24-2005, 05:56 PM

hahaha...my wife was reading all my posts today while i was at work...anyway thanx for the boost...it was hard at times but we got thru it

anyway...my parents...now divorse for 10ish years....my father told me "when you grow up you will know how it is to go without sex for long periods of time"...the way he said it made it sound like "when you grow up you will have to find other methods of getting sexually satisfied, that is why i had to cheat on your mother" since he was overseas it was easy to do....to my point...i vowed to myself not to cheat on my wife. plus I HAVE EVERYTHING, i have EVER wanted. i wouldnt wanna give that up in the world.

la petite moi · 01-24-2005, 06:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Averett

These things should never happen in a marriage where the two people involved are able to COMMUNICATE with eachother.

A couple may communicate, but one of them may also have a sexual problem. I had to add that, because I have lost all my libido from drugs I have to take- it's difficult to have sex or want to have sex. For us, sex has become a bit of a burden, and not just because we don't communicate.

drakers · 01-24-2005, 06:43 PM

I've been married for 6 months and our sex lives are better than ever, I think for some they may start to fall out of love and that is why the sex goes away, but I'm still in love and that is why were still kicking it hard.

Sweetpea · 01-24-2005, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by la petite moi

A couple may communicate, but one of them may also have a sexual problem. I had to add that, because I have lost all my libido from drugs I have to take- it's difficult to have sex or want to have sex. For us, sex has become a bit of a burden, and not just because we don't communicate.

Thank you la Petite for pointing this out . . . very good point . . . Meds do affect libido for men and Woman both . . . esp. for a woman if she has recently gone on birth control . . . that can also affect libido as well . . .

I guess the root question is tho . . . how does a committed couple work around libido issues??

thanks,
sweetpea

Hardknock · 01-24-2005, 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea

Can one really get tired of having sex with their SO?

Comments?!

I'm all for married sex. I think it gets better. When my wife and I first got married she was very shy about sex. We'd always do it missionary, and she wouldn't be willing to get creative at all. She didn't just lay there, she still got herself off but there was no experimentation.

But once she got off birth control, OH, MY GOD......

I don't know what it fuck it was, maybe the hormones or something but she turned into a sex machine!

She started wanting to try new things, we ended up going shopping for her first dildo (which she still uses when I'm gone at work for a few days) and she's now liking doggy which is my personal favorite.

So, to answer your question, no. I don't think you can get tired of having sex with your SO. As long as the two of you are open to new things and new ideas and you both are willing to experiment, you should be able to keep the spark.

bad jane · 01-25-2005, 03:14 AM

there are some great points in this thread! as to getting tired of sex with your s.o., i think it depends on the couple. for some people, it's a very real possibility. for others, the sex just gets better as time goes by.

regarding the whole cheating thing...life is messy. you can't just break up with your spouse. divorce takes time and until you are divorced--you're still married. not like you can just call them up and say you met someone and it's over, suddenly making sex with another partner perfectly fine.

if you use some of uptown's behavior examples and toss in attempts at communication--is it then acceptable to stray? what if you have no intentions of continuing the relationship but are simply waiting for it to officially end? is it ok at that point to take on a new partner?

i keep seeing people talk about this as if it is cut and dry, but i don't think it always is. my ex and i decided to divorce about six months prior to actually starting the process (telling everyone). a large part was timing--it was a rough point to be breaking the news to family and friends. once we told everyone, it took another month to get living arrangements entirely straightened out. and from there, several more months before the divorce was actually final. in a situation like that, at what point can i (or he) take on a partner and not be cheating? technically, not till the divorce is final--approximately a year after the relationship was over. prior to that, like it or not, we were still married even if we weren't involved.

my brother was in a similar situation--it took years for his divorce to become final. so did he cheat on his wife during all the time? technically, yes...in reality though? i don't think so and i certainly don't think he's an asshole for moving on with his life in terms of relationships despite the fact he was still married.

doncalypso · 01-25-2005, 05:47 AM

Some people might consider this very selfish and immature of me, but I just don't see myself ever marrying a woman with a low sex drive even if she'd be the perfect person for me in every other aspect. While there is more to a relationship than just sex, it is crucial that partners be honest to each other about their expectations for sex within the marriage---especially the women because it seems to me that some women give a man a lot of sex prior to marriage in order to "reel him in" but then cut all nookie short once they've achieved their objective (get him to take her to the altar and/or have a baby).

I do not mean to sound mysogynous or anything, but I think women should be more honest about their sexual desires (or lack thereof) before they get a man to marry them because it is unfair to deny one's mate something as powerful and desirable as sex when they've taken a vow to forsake all others.

Rinndalir · 01-25-2005, 10:13 AM

Having been in a relationship that turned sexless I would not go back to that. It was horrible during the last year/year and a half of it, she would have sex like it was her obligation or something, no more than every 2 weeks and it was without any passion or desire. We had sex once during the last 6 months of the relationship, she got drunk at New Year's and jumped me. I thought it was a turning point but we never had sex again except for another drunken hookup once after we had split. I tried everything to get her to want it again but it just never happened, very frustrating, if I had had the chance to cheat on her during that time I probably would have. It was all but over at that point but neither of us wanted to admit it to the other, it wasn't just the sex, that was a symptom of many other problems that were going on.

Now I never actually cheated on her because all my focus was on finishing my last semester at college and graduating. Would it have been wrong, I guess so, but I doubt I would have had much guilt over it if it had happened.

Sweetpea · 01-25-2005, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doncalypso

Some people might consider this very selfish and immature of me, but I just don't see myself ever marrying a woman with a low sex drive even if she'd be the perfect person for me in every other aspect. While there is more to a relationship than just sex, it is crucial that partners be honest to each other about their expectations for sex within the marriage---especially the women because it seems to me that some women give a man a lot of sex prior to marriage in order to "reel him in" but then cut all nookie short once they've achieved their objective (get him to take her to the altar and/or have a baby).

I do not mean to sound mysogynous or anything, but I think women should be more honest about their sexual desires (or lack thereof) before they get a man to marry them because it is unfair to deny one's mate something as powerful and desirable as sex when they've taken a vow to forsake all others.

I don't think that is immature . . . sex is an important part of a relationship . . . I wouldn't have married a man who didn't match my sex drive either . . .

And no, i don't think that sounds mysogynous . . . because men do it too!! How many times have i heard a woman tell me their husband used to give alot of oral sex and be much more attentive lovers before marriage . . .alot of times . . . Woman AND Men both are more attentive lovers before getting married . . . and then it's like many individuals think they don't have to work at their sex life anymore because they've caught a spouse . . . So, i think you make a good point . . .

Before people get married . . . they both need to be honest about what they want over their future sex lives . . . i could no sooner live in a sexless marriage than my hubby could . . . we were very up front about what we wanted our intimate life to be like . . . we've known too many people in sexless marriages to just pretend it doesn't happen to couples .. .

thanks for your points! well put doncalypso . . .

01-20-2005, 06:30 PM	#2 (permalink)
omid Crazy Location: Aliso Viejo, California	the answer is yes and no. it's all in your head. __________________ Kick butt buzz-cut dickheads who didn't like what I said. The good times are killing me. Jaws clenching tight we talked all night, oh but what the hell did we say? The good times are killing me.

01-20-2005, 10:38 PM	#7 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	Let me please clairfy that Uptown stated that he has NOT cheated on his SO, nor does he condone it . . . as you can see in the cheating thread if you refer to it, Uptown was merely bringing up the interesting point of how lack of sex and affection affects marriages, i don't think he LITERALLY meant his SO treats him like a toy or vice versa . . . it was merely an illustration of his feelings . . . which i think are reflected by many people . . . Uptown has appeared to me in all his posts as an upstanding and honorable husband . . . I myself do not think of my SO as a toy either of course . . . he is my best friend and our marriage is not based on sex . . . I just posted this thread to get a pulse on what the TFP community felt about this topic . . . this thread was meant to illustrate, not be taken literally . . . although perhaps i should have clarified that right from the beginning . . . my bad, sorry! Please continue this discussion . . . I think the real point Uptown was trying to get at . . . Is if you don't wish to touch your spouse at all or please them or have intimate contact with them . . . What implications does that have in a marriage?? thanks everyone!! __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

01-21-2005, 05:58 AM	#9 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	This is why prostitution, strip clubs and massage parlours exist... all the sex and titilation without the messy entanglements that come with and "affair". As someone once put it, you are actually paying the prostitute to leave. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

01-21-2005, 08:18 AM	#10 (permalink)
Kalnaur Psycho Location: Portland, Oregon	Significant others are only toys for your disposal if you think they are. Like omid said, it's all in your head. __________________ PC: Can you help me out here HK? HK-47: I'm 98% percent sure this miniature organic meatbag wants you to help find his fellow miniature organic meatbags. PC: And the other 2 percent? HK-47: The other 2 percent is that he is just looking for trouble and needs to be blasted, but that might be wishful thinking on my part.

01-21-2005, 11:48 AM	#12 (permalink)
Averett Is In Love Location: I'm workin' on it	These things should never happen in a marriage where the two people involved are able to COMMUNICATE with eachother. __________________ Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

01-20-2005, 09:07 PM	#5 (permalink)
shortynickel Addict Location: Central PA	I dont think she actually meant a REAL toy! anyway...my sex life wasnt the greatest til, i would say a year ago when i went to my wife and mentioned to her how i felt...also we have different sleep schedules in the past i wouldnt go to bed til 2 or so in the morning and lately i have been going to be sooner so it has gotten better, not just for that reason tho. If i read into her post right, I myself dont play my SO like a toy, but i sure as hell can see ppl playing with their SO's like they were a toy.

01-20-2005, 09:14 PM	#6 (permalink)
Carno Junkie	Eh? You don't think she meant treating them like a real toy? Is there a fake toy? I don't think I understand.... EDIT: or did you mean to say, "REALLY treating them like a toy?"

01-21-2005, 01:13 PM	#13 (permalink)
drewpy Crazy Location: Chicago-ish	This to me is a complex and important topic. Thank you, UPTOWN for sharing your insights, I couldn't have penned better. I am married 20 yrs and have loads of experience with this topic. Too much in fact. It is not so easy as to say as Averett does - just communicate. That's crucial but not always possible. Commitment in a relationship has many faces - some not obvious. For example, who's more committed to a sexy healthy relationship - the SO who "checks out" as in UPTOWN's litany yet never cheats - or the SO who looks for ways to fill the void (even if not formally cheating). To respond to one of Sweet Pea's original questions - can one tire of sex with their SO? I hope you keep that attitude and you'll likely be blessed with a long, sexy and healthy relationship! __________________ "Once made equal to a man, woman becomes his superior." Socrates

01-24-2005, 05:56 PM	#20 (permalink)
shortynickel Addict Location: Central PA	hahaha...my wife was reading all my posts today while i was at work...anyway thanx for the boost...it was hard at times but we got thru it anyway...my parents...now divorse for 10ish years....my father told me "when you grow up you will know how it is to go without sex for long periods of time"...the way he said it made it sound like "when you grow up you will have to find other methods of getting sexually satisfied, that is why i had to cheat on your mother" since he was overseas it was easy to do....to my point...i vowed to myself not to cheat on my wife. plus I HAVE EVERYTHING, i have EVER wanted. i wouldnt wanna give that up in the world.

01-24-2005, 06:43 PM	#22 (permalink)
drakers Psycho Location: IOWA	I've been married for 6 months and our sex lives are better than ever, I think for some they may start to fall out of love and that is why the sex goes away, but I'm still in love and that is why were still kicking it hard.

01-25-2005, 03:14 AM	#25 (permalink)
bad jane Insane	there are some great points in this thread! as to getting tired of sex with your s.o., i think it depends on the couple. for some people, it's a very real possibility. for others, the sex just gets better as time goes by. regarding the whole cheating thing...life is messy. you can't just break up with your spouse. divorce takes time and until you are divorced--you're still married. not like you can just call them up and say you met someone and it's over, suddenly making sex with another partner perfectly fine. if you use some of uptown's behavior examples and toss in attempts at communication--is it then acceptable to stray? what if you have no intentions of continuing the relationship but are simply waiting for it to officially end? is it ok at that point to take on a new partner? i keep seeing people talk about this as if it is cut and dry, but i don't think it always is. my ex and i decided to divorce about six months prior to actually starting the process (telling everyone). a large part was timing--it was a rough point to be breaking the news to family and friends. once we told everyone, it took another month to get living arrangements entirely straightened out. and from there, several more months before the divorce was actually final. in a situation like that, at what point can i (or he) take on a partner and not be cheating? technically, not till the divorce is final--approximately a year after the relationship was over. prior to that, like it or not, we were still married even if we weren't involved. my brother was in a similar situation--it took years for his divorce to become final. so did he cheat on his wife during all the time? technically, yes...in reality though? i don't think so and i certainly don't think he's an asshole for moving on with his life in terms of relationships despite the fact he was still married.

01-25-2005, 05:47 AM	#26 (permalink)
doncalypso TFP Mad Scientist Location: Philadelphia, PA	Some people might consider this very selfish and immature of me, but I just don't see myself ever marrying a woman with a low sex drive even if she'd be the perfect person for me in every other aspect. While there is more to a relationship than just sex, it is crucial that partners be honest to each other about their expectations for sex within the marriage---especially the women because it seems to me that some women give a man a lot of sex prior to marriage in order to "reel him in" but then cut all nookie short once they've achieved their objective (get him to take her to the altar and/or have a baby). I do not mean to sound mysogynous or anything, but I think women should be more honest about their sexual desires (or lack thereof) before they get a man to marry them because it is unfair to deny one's mate something as powerful and desirable as sex when they've taken a vow to forsake all others. __________________ Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

01-25-2005, 10:13 AM	#27 (permalink)
Rinndalir Insane	Having been in a relationship that turned sexless I would not go back to that. It was horrible during the last year/year and a half of it, she would have sex like it was her obligation or something, no more than every 2 weeks and it was without any passion or desire. We had sex once during the last 6 months of the relationship, she got drunk at New Year's and jumped me. I thought it was a turning point but we never had sex again except for another drunken hookup once after we had split. I tried everything to get her to want it again but it just never happened, very frustrating, if I had had the chance to cheat on her during that time I probably would have. It was all but over at that point but neither of us wanted to admit it to the other, it wasn't just the sex, that was a symptom of many other problems that were going on. Now I never actually cheated on her because all my focus was on finishing my last semester at college and graduating. Would it have been wrong, I guess so, but I doubt I would have had much guilt over it if it had happened.