anleja

Dude, what is happening to you now is what was happening to me up until about a year ago. Lots of parallels. We were boyfriend/girlfriend for about a half year when I broke up with her because she was giving me indications she was the wandering type. We got back together about a week later. Found out later that right before we broke up she was pregnant. So, we did what we thought was the right thing and got married several months later... not only becasue of the baby, but we loved each other.

Oh, she had a son from a previous relationship, so in addition to our daughter I also found myself responsible for a new stepson.

Things were really good for a while, but she started to totally shirk all her parental responsibilities... like she didn't want to accept growing up (she was barely 19 when we met). She ended up going out nearly every night, leaving me with the kids, not to mention I had to go to bed before she came home every night becasue I had a morning job. She had no job, I'd come home from work and the house would be a mess anyway.

Okay, I digress, this is to respond to your post, not rehash my old problems. Long story short... she cheated on me I don't know how many times... nothing she has admitted, but I found evidence to support it, without a doubt.

We ended up splitting up, and she had no qualms about me taking custody of our daughter. My stepson is currently living at his real dad's home. My ex and I get along great, as you guys do, no fights really, intense discussions more like it.

She has mentioned to me that she would like to get back together, but I am not going to. It hurts a lot, because I still love her, and it sometimes feels like I'll never be able to find anyone who could replace her (I really thought the marriage would last forever when it started, how naive). However, dignity and self-respect to me are important things to me. I really doubt she could change... most people I think cannot change in such a drastic manner when their adverse behavior is so very much integrated into themselves. If I got back with her, I would bet $ that things would be good for a while, then the same things would happen again.

As far as revenge... I am angry that she split the family apart (divorce was my decision, but a result of her behavior), but I think the best revenge will be to simply live my life as best as I can, so as time goes by she will see what she has lost due to her selfishness.

Good luck. Things are difficult initially, but will get easier.

CaneBay

anleja, thanks for sharing about your situation. Focus on the baby. You know, since she had one from before, the kids are one half siblings. Are you making the effort to get them together? You'd be such a prince for them if you did.

Dale Kemp

I'm truly sorry for you. One of the likely outcomes of being a partier is that you wind up with another partier for a spouse, and then stuff like this follows.

I'm much more sorry for your child.

The stereotype that men can't make commitment, and that women just want to tie a man down is laughable in view of this poor man's dilema. This wife is unable to deal with commitment.

Odds are that the woman will get full custody of the child, and then poor sap will pay about 1/3 of his income in child support from now until the kid is 18 or more. Our society is sexist, but in family matters, it is very much in favor of the women/mothers. So the guy who impregnates a bad woman not only gets laid, he most sincerely get screwed as well. And the poor children are the biggest loosers of the deal.

If you feel that you love her, you'll have to accept that she isn't capable of commitment or faithfulness. You set the conditions you'll be agreeable to and stand by them no matter what she does. Something like: I'll be here, and take care of our child. You can be here with us, or go party. But you can't come home drunk. You can't treat our child as someone who you can drop off when you want some free time. And so forth. Then stick to it.

Such structure, and knowing that you know she's failing to meet your needs, or your child's needs, but that you're rising above that and meeting your child's needs without her, may help her reflect on what she fears from acting grown up, and help her to grow up, or straighten up.

And since she's being such a little girl, emotionally, you might consider treating her like a little girl, and telling her that each time she stays out late, either partying or playing around, she will have to submit to a spanking when she gets back home. Putting her ass over your lap and paddling it will likely help her feel repented of her sins, and may help her feel sorry for what she's done wrong. And it may help you act out your anger and frustration in a somewhat socially acceptable way. Knowing she deserves a good spanking will help you feel right about administering it. And putting her into that bare bottom up position and then holding her there while you redden her cheeks and watch them bounce when smacked, may help you forgive enough to want her sexually again. And I get right turned on just thinking about spanking my lover, with her lovely ass up on my lap. A good spanking, some remorse, and some hot sex will help you transition back into a couple again after she wanders.

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Trueheart

Captain Nemo

Mzm, do not, I repeat, do not, attempt a divorce without a lawyer. Even if you are amicable at the time of the split, time can make people change (trust me I have been there and done that). Especially when a child is involved, and you are the man. Friend of the Court is not a pro-man agency, no matter what anyone says. I attempted my divorce without a lawyer, with my wife and I agreeing that I would not pay child support (quick aside, she inherited approximately $12 million from her parents' estate, me on the other hand, I make low 6 figures). We agreed that each person would be better served having the money to provide for the kids apiece.

Great idea in theory, until I met my current wife who is 15 years younger than her. She gets pissed and calls Friend of the Court who proceeds to sue me for not only current child support but for back child support.

Now, you are probably wondering why a millionaire would get child support. Well, let's just say that she had a creative financial advisor who took all of that money and invested it in growth stocks. When she needs money, she sells something that is currently running at a loss (thus generating capital loss on the tax returns), and guess what Friend of the Court looks at when determining child support payments. Yep, tax returns. So we have mine showing earnings in the six figures, and we have hers showing net losses. End story: I pay her 15$ thousand a year in child support.

I am currently locked in combat in court to try to right this injustice. And before I have anyone here saying child support is my responsibility, try saying that with a straight face to my ex-wife, who now lives on a lake, just built an indoor pool, has two (yes 2) boats, and is on her 9th vehicle since the divorce.

Moral of the story: Get a lawyer and have them handle the divorce. Feelings change

kutulu

Definitely get YOUR OWN bloodsucker... err.. lawyer. Sue for full custody so that she is the one making child support payments.

Locs

"The sad thing about all this is my wife and I get along great, we hardly ever fight, in fact we never had a fight until I found out she was cheating on me, and even then, we just discussed what was happening, it was barely a fight."

Good rule of thumb, if you NEVER fight, someone is doing something wrong.

BoltedDown

Ditto to what Locs said. She doesn't want you to get upset and realize what is really going on. As long as she keeps you under control, she can go on with her... lifestyle... and not have to worry about you doing the right thing.

On the upside... there is the perfect person out there for everyone. After you get this all take care of, and put behind you, go find them, and enjoy life!

-BD

jonjon42

get a lawyer NOW...
and get EVERYTHING in writing!
EVERYTHING every little agreement you two make...including who get's the fricken sponge!
you have no idea what problems can be created from verbal agreements.

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A damn dirty hippie without the dirty part....

toxic515

Tough break. I'm wondering what advice you, personally, would give to a woman who's been regularly and repeatedly abused by her husband... I say that because, frankly, I don't see this as any different. She's using a different method of abuse, but the net result is pretty much the same. "I'm sorry, it won't happen again" and then it does... Like everyone else on the board here, I'm on your side, but I have to tell you, in the interest of "tough love" from me to you, FACE REALITY for what it really is. Stop trying to spin doctor and sugar coat the situation to YOURSELF. Follow the advice of the brutal "get a mean-ass family lawyer" suggestions. Does that mean that you HAVE to get a divorce? No. However, I'd reccomend that you ensure that her behavior is going to have consequences. At this time, there really have not been any.. a few tears, a bit of self loathing on her part, but the meal ticket and the kids are still there. She's TAKEN something from you, and with any contract, there really should be some sort of restitution, whatever that may be.

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Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies
like a banana.

Jizz-Fritter

I think the more appropriate term would be Meat Market.

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"Principle is okay up to a certain point, but principle doesn't do any good if you lose." Dick Cheney

little_tippler

It does sound like you're getting a rough deal. I refrain from being so hard on your wife as we don't even know the half of your story together. It sounds like maybe she wasn't in your marriage all too seriously from the start. Maybe you grew to love her more and dedicated yourself because of your child. Perhaps you have wasted your time. Surely you have learnt a lot from this and it is a painful lesson. All I know is that no relationship is black and white and even though everyone has advised you to leave (and I imagine, in so far as I know here, that it is the right choice), don't make decisions on impulse, that's way too easy, and whatever you do, make your child feel loved. Good luck to you in what you choose, only you know what's right for you.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

flstf

I agree with most of the other posts here about doing what's best for you and your son. If you still love her, before divorcing you might want to ask myself the following questions (if you haven't already):

Is it possible that this is a real addiction (like drug addiction)? If it is, is there any track record of people getting cured from this? If she did get cured, could you ever forgive her?

My initial reaction to your post is anger that someone could treat another person this way, but only you can know what is best for you. Unless you (and her) have reached the point of no return, you may want to consult a psychiatrist. Of course my gut reaction is to kick her out.

Mugzy6

I had a boyfriend of two years that cheated on me about a month and a half into our relationship and I didn't find out about it until about year and a half later. It was probably the lowest point in my life. Drove me crazy. He lied to me about it multiple times, even when I asked him point blank. I only found out because his ex-girlfriend confessed the whole thing to me. We tried to make it work for a couple of months afterwards, but it was just impossible because there was absolutely no trust there. I was miserable after I broke up with him because I had come to love the security and comfort of the relationship. However, in the end it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I have a new boyfriend now that I love and trust pretty much completely and I'm the happiest I've ever been. While a divorce or an annulment may not seem like the best idea right now, in the long run it will be much healthier. You have to have trust in a relationship for it to work and it doesn't sound like your wife is very trustworthy. However, this is completely up to you. Eventually your kid could find out about his mother's infidelity and if so they would most likely understand why the divorce or annulment had to take place. Plus, it would be better to divorce/annul your marriage now while the kid is young and much less likely to be hurt by it.

Bobaphat

you are a better man than I. I don't know how you've tolerated what you have. You should get out and get a lawyer. I have a quick question, based on her behaviour up to this point, are you absolutely sure that the child is yours?

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--size matters not-- yoda

william

Don't hate me for asking, but are you sure the child is yours? Legalize that first. Then send the legal eagles to prove she is the tramp you say she is. Both combined will give you custody, and a fight against support payments. The courts don't really play to the game that the husband always has to pay alimony. If she is the sleaze you say she is, you don't want to end up paying for someone elses child.

kutulu

I was thinking that also. In the first post he says that before they were married they broke up because he thought she was sleeping around. They got back together and right afterwards she was pregnant. I'd find out for sure. She doesn't even have to know that you are having a paternity test done.

I'd do that BEFORE getting lawyers involved because that changes everything.

Mzm

I've been reading all replies everyday, but I've been too depressed to comment to anyone, I apologize for that. I'm finally having a better day today.

There's no doubt the child is mine. He doesn't even look anything like my wife. My friends and co-workers call my kid "mini-me". He's almost 3 years old now and looks just like me.

I've consulted with a lawyer and explained my situation. He informed me to speak with my wife even though I'd want primary custody when we get the divorce. I've spoke to my wife and she's now scared shitless. Feels good in a way knowing she's scared because she knows she's about to lose all she has. I'm in a very diffucult position now because I still want her to be a part of my son's life just as much as I am, but there's no way she can even provide for herself, let alone her 3 year old son. I very much want to kick her out the door, but she really has no place to go. Her whole life has been an absolute mess.

I just want to get this over with, can't take the pain anymore. She's still seeing a counselour and I hope she gets better for our son's sake. I hope to have the divorce and get her out of my life by the end of the year. That's probably hoping too much considering the divorce and all the legalities that go along with it will take months.

Thanks everyone for all replies and prayers.

chickentribs

Mzm - I, like everyone, feel terrible for your situation. I hope you don't mind me saying, but I get the sense from your posts that you have a need to continue to play the role of parent and guardian to this adult woman, allowing her to behave like an undisciplined child. Please stop. She will not change, she will continue to see how much she can get away with in her relationship with you like a three year old does with a parent. Love your son enough for two parents, and quit being responsible for your wife and her actions.

She's got nowhere to go? She's a damn adult, people figure this stuff out every day. I know it feels good that she needs you, but your son needs you more, and this is already hurting him. He is watching you closely - show him it's ok to stand up for yourself and take control of the situation. Get it over with. It was her choice to compromise your relationship and trust, she ended the marriage then. You just have to be the one to get ink to paper. She would live off you for as long as you let her.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, voice of experience. Good luck!

__________________
Oft expectation fails...
and most oft there Where most it promises
- Shakespeare, W.

Grasshopper Green

Having grown up in a household where the parents stayed together for the childrens sake, I have to tell you: get out! Children are not stupid and know when their parents aren't happy. It makes their lives just as miserable as yours because they will feel it is their fault in some way. Keep us updated.

Vincentt

I agree with both medusa99 and chickentribs.
I have been in position to see a lot of familys with the "adult child."

There is always a suporter, a person giving money / house / food to the dead beat.
Just from hearing your story, I wouldn't be suprised if there were drugs involved.

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Squishor

Mzm - I agree with everyone here that you should get out, get custody of the child, and not let this woman walk all over your feelings any longer. It's obvious that you love her and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure she has very lovable qualities and there is a lot of good in her. However, she needs to grow up!

I have been in quite a few long-term relationships and want to share a little bit of my experience. I stayed in an unhappy relationship for 6 years because it was comfortable and safe, and I was afraid to break it off. I would never waste my time like that again! Mzm, do not waste your time any longer!!

One thing that happened in that relationship was that I cheated on my boyfriend with several other guys. In retrospect it would have been a lot better to break up with him rather than put him through that because he certainly knew, even though we never talked about it. I would guess that your wife likely has issues similar to mine, and she probably feels unable to stop her bahavior. Well, we are capable of a lot more than we think if we get uncomfortable enough. After years of being a cheating girlfriend (in that and other relationships) I was able to change, because I ended up hurting someone who I loved so much I couldn't stand his pain. Many people here have said that people don't change, but I am proof that they can change - however, it takes something earth-shaking to make it happen. She needs to feel the pain of what she has done, there's no way around that. Given her behavior, I would hazard a guess that there's a pretty good chance she may turn to drugs as a way of not feeling it, so the faster you ensure your child's safety the better.

I know you're concerned that she has nowhere to go, but she's capable of solving that problem for herself. She can get a job and rent a room, it's that simple. Maybe she will get motivated to develop some kind of career. Her survival is not in your hands. It sounds harsh (and it is) but you already have one child to raise - let her learn how to take care of herself.

WS6_KID

Wow, I feel for ya man. I would get the divorce and move on, it will be hard but much better for you in the end

Hardknock

That totally sucks. Personally, I wouldn't have let it go on for two months, let alone two years. It's obvious that she has not intention of cleaning up her act and put forth an effort to try to make her marriage work. Her "addiction" to hocking up with guys is one pathetic fucking excuse if you ask me. She's a party girl and she always wants to be a party girl. I'd leave her ass before she brings a STD home and gives you a gift that'll keep on giving. As I'm sure you know, that'd be so much easier if you didn't have a child stuck in the middle of this whole mess. They best thing you can do is be there for your child because if I'm right, you're the responsible one, the one taking care of your child most of the time because she's busy being a party girl to care about her offspring.

File for divorce, hell, get that annulment, you have tons of proof that she's been unfaithful throughout the whole marriage. Talk to a lawyer.

Good luck to you.

IowaEric

Man,

I understand how you're feeling about this situation, and you obviously care for your wife quite a bit, as every post you've made continues to mention trying to work it out with HER.

You've already been given plenty of good advice, but the point I think you really, really need to understand is that, despite how you feel, you need to take a very aggressive approach in this. GET A LAWYER, DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER *NOT* GETTING A LAWYER. Despite what your wife says, her actions clearly show she does not give two shits about your feelings, and it's quite possible when she starts to realize this is real, she'll be the one taking this approach. It is very true that the woman almost always has the advantage in a divorce proceeding, so it's essential that you get a lawyer to even begin this on the right foot.

I know it's probably the hardest thing to do, but you have to get this woman out of your life and as soon as possible. Your child is #1, but don't consider letting yourself get stomped on a little more to try and maintain a mother-father relationship that does not even exist. I would seriously approach this with the mindset of getting full custody of the child and not considering visitations until substantial improvement has been made in your wife's "lifestyle".

I'm sorry if I come across as really harsh on this, but I'm an extremely firm believer that her cheating will never stop, at least in your relationship. Despite the pain and emotion, I don't believe for a minute in letting anyone affect me in this kind of way. I hope you find the strength to do the same.

cavu

Hey, i just wanted to tell you how sorry i am for you. And that you'll find another woman who will love you and only you, and will great for your child. Does your wife have any family near by? You wouldn't be putting her out on the street if she could go live with them. just a thought.

drakers

Well I would say at the very least you would have a great chance to have custody of your child, which sounds like he would be best with you. But I'm sorry her about all of your wife's cheating, it sounds like she can't admit to herself she has a serious problem.

bbrown4

1. Bail out. I'm sure you can be a good father without this millstone of a wife aroudn your neck.
2. Get an attorney and get the hell out of the house. Let him/her handle all of it.
3. Consult a tax attorney or CPA about any tax liability you might have come tax time.
4. Write it off as a life lesson and get away from that person.

jhkayakr

Leave her man, there are plenty of good women out there, she has no respect for you and probably never will. shes cheating, Take the kid and sue her for support.

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........gotta need for speed....

Mzm

Hello everyone, the 'cheating' wife here, thought i'd add some of my own thoughts...
Read some of the posts, something i don't understand, because you only know his side of the story, and just what he's shared. fair? i think not. and there is always so much more to the relationship, in my opinion doesn't justify any of you in anyway to influence his thoughts. i understand he came here looking for support and needed to console in someone somehow... but as he did tell me about this, i expressed my dislike and advised him to seak professional help. He needs an unbiased opinion, someone who will help him make his own decisions and be there to just listen.
I am a very good mother and do not in anyway deserve to have my son taken from me i love my husband very much and although I have made unforgivable mistakes in our relationship, i am paying the pentalty. Yes i'm in therepy to help understand who i am and change, it is my constant goal to better myself.
The bottom line is that although we have a special bond between us, and always will, we shouldn't live together. My love for him is as the father of my child. No one can judge me or tell me how to be, there is only one true judge and that is myself.
Thanks for giving my husband advise but please keep in mind you don't know jack about us...
Us seperating has at least led me to 'growing up' and so i will never again stoop to 'cheating' but i won't get into that...
life is about personal growth and right now my top priority is being the person i know and want to be so that i can be the best mother possible to my son and do my part in preparing him for life, cause its a hard nasty road...
I want nothing but my husband and i to be able to be friends and raise our son together.
So please no more negative comments. We're doing fine, happily seperated and our son is happy, we're all happy doing it our way... conventional or not

drakers

Well I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when people hear the word "cheat" it is such a negative word, it brings out nasty comments. Most people I would hope wouldn't think your some slimey snake who is a wretched woman, but someone who made a mistake and hopefully she learns from them. Yes, their are circumstances with the right kind of person in them wil react a certain way by cheating, but hopefully that person understands in the long run of things that it was wrong to do. I do hope for both of you to solve "both" of your problems together so that your child will grow up with two parents, who may not live together, but who are civil to one another and are acting in the best interest of the child.

skier

All I would like to say is that your husband must love you very much for forgiving your mistakes. Many Relationships have broken apart for much less.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

PDOUBLEOP

Hi "Cheating Wife" I'm sure you've read most of these comments. You probably noticed the trend. This exact thing happens all the time. That's why so many of us have such strong opinions in this matter. It happened to me as a matter of fact. I went through the roller-coaster of "love me today, cheat on me tomorrow". It's Hell! Your husband and child do not deserve this. Stop playing games with him. He obviously loves you and you have seriously taken advantage of that. This is something that he will be reminded of the rest of his life. I'm not trying to be rude when I say this but please, get your shit together, for everyone's sake.

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ef you-you effing ef

pinkie

Making a mistake is one thing - but continuously cheating-lying-deceiving is something there is no excuse for. None. I don’t need to know both sides. I’m glad you’re separated, that was a healthy decision.

anleja

My wife cheated on me, we split up, and now we got along better than we did when we were married. While too much has happened for us to get back together again, we have worked through our problems enough that we are now able to be very good friends. I wish you both happiness in your futures, whether you are together or seperate.

Hardknock

I'm not going into too much detail over 'cheating wife's' post, because it wouldn't be too nice. Frankly, I feel that I don't need to know your side of the story. You were fucking around your husband’s back MUTIPLE times while he was being a responsible father and taking care of his son. That's all the information I need. Just be glad you aren't my wife because your ass literally would be out on the street, no doubt. As someone else said, he must still love you. I've seen the same pattern with so many women so many times. So I do happen to know "jack." Your "condition" in my opinion is total bullshit. Cheating on your husband once and the both of you going to therapy to work it out is one thing, but MUTIPLE times?? Come on. You knew exactly what you were doing. Your husband must want very much for the relationship to work out so his son can have a mother. That alone demands respect. Something you obviously don't want to give him. You two are both better off beig seperated. Just make sure your son is taken care of.

Now I'm not trying to deliberately be an asshole about it, I'm just calling this like I see it because I've seen this so many times and they all end up the same way. Disastrous. For your son's sake, I hope you get it together.

noodles

thats what i was going to say, 'cept a little meaner

no excuses. cheating is cheating, the situation that drove you to it doesn't matter. if things were *that* bad, why didn't you seek out a divorce or a separation or something. it makes it even worse that you have a kid. now you're not just screwing up your relationship, but you're possibly screwing up the future life of your kid. grow up.

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FallenAvatar

You basically have two options.
1) You try the counseling thing. If she honestly will cheat once I firmly believe she'll probably do it again. Sadly I view everyone like that. There are very few circumstances in which I can think of that would make this justifible.

2) Divorce. Get custody of the child. If you're telling this story straight you shouldn't really have trouble winning such an argument if you can fully provide for the child. This may not save your relationship with her; however, it may clean her up enough to somewhat provide and care for your child well.


I believe in the aspect that is love and since I don't believe that she'll change, I'm saying go for option two.

ratbastid

Even if it doesn't come to divorce, you want to be prepared. Start the groundwork now to have custody of your child. Hopefully you won't need it, but still...

Look, it's not really the sex that's getting your goat here. It's the lies. You need to have a conversation with her about exactly what she's done and with whom. You need to be able to hear all that without blaming her or being (overly) upset. If you don't think you can handle hearing it all, don't start this conversation, but my recommendation is that you give her an opportunity to come 100% clean, and let her trust that you're coming from a commitment to restore the trust and the partnership. Getting the truth told is the first part of that.

It'll only work if she's really committed to your marriage and ending the lies. If she's not, get your divorce lawyer working ASAP.

Mystifying

I completely agree with BCD. Dude, I'm really really sorry to hear about this. You have already given it your all and she continues to lie to you, it's time to cut and run, but you HAVE to get custody of your child.

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N=R*•fp•ne•fl•fi•fc•L

LutherMac

Dude, I just went through this. I asked the same question here a million times, and everyone always told me to leave, but I kept insisting that I think she would change, and ignored the advice. This past weekend, I bade farewell to my wife and moved out after finding out that she did not break off contact with her lover. So far, it has been the BEST thing that I've ever done, and I've got ZERO regrets. I would much rather live my life not worrying about where my wife is spending the night tonight, than sitting at home praying that she eventually comes home.

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Always remember that you are unique... just like everyone else!