nack104

First of all, I'm 18.

My girlfriend and I have a very good relationship. We've been through hard times, yet nothing has and I honestly believe nothing could deter us. However, there is one problem I have that really bothers me.

I am very comfortable with her in bed, and I have an erection pretty much anytime I'm in bed with her. However, as soon as I go get a condom or when she begins pleasuring me, I lose my erection. It is so frustrating because it is just very embarrassing. She isn't really into helping me get the erection back after it's gone, so every night with her is pretty much just me pleasuring her and that's that. But now it's gotten to the point where she doesn't want me pleasuring her because she isn't able to return the favor. I really think the problem is because of two things. First, I have really bad anxiety. I can not go to the bathroom around other people, so I think that's mostly the reason why I can't orgasm ever no matter what she does. Second, I think part of it is I respect her so much that I think I feel disgusted to have her go down on me. Because of this combination, even if I keep my erection, I wouldn't be able to orgasm. I think if I didn't need to put on a condom, I'd be able to keep erect during sex, but I most likely wouldn't orgasm.

Sex isn't that important to me, but I think this is really about me needing to be assured that I can do it if the situation arises. It's just very depressing to think that I can't even have sex and that my girlfriend becomes upset when we discuss it. Is there anything I can do so that next time I see my girlfriend I will be completely rid of the problem? I would appreciate any advice, but one thing that will not work is having her help me through this while we're together. To be clear, if I do not cum or I lose my erection, that's just the way it is and there's nothing she will do to help. It's just so hurtful for me and the relationship for me to be dwelling over this, but I can't help it.

ShaniFaye

what Im going to say isnt nice....

Why are you with a woman that has no interest in helping you enjoy the sex? Why would you feel disgusted to have her do it? I dont understand either of those things

I take pride in getting my man off and Im eager to do ANYTHING it takes to get him there....not that with Dave its a constant problem or anything, but there have been a few times (mainly when he was on some pain meds) that it took a lot of "coaxing" from me...but in the end it was well worth it according to him.

What can you do? Find yourself a worman that understands sex is about TWO people not just one...she isnt going to get very far in life going around acting as if she doesnt need to "participate" in it as well

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stonegrody

That's a tough situation. There are a few things you need to work out before you become sexually active. You need to get over the anxiety and the dirty feeling you are getting. Otherwise, the problems will continue and you will not be able to enjoy what you are doing. Sex should be a pleasurable thing and not something that causes anguish for either of you. It sounds like you both have a little bit of growing to do. You need to get to the point to where you're comfortable enough with a woman to not worry about stuff, relax and just do it. She needs to be a better partner and help you with the issues you're having. You're in a relationship. If you're not comfortable with each other, maybe it's not time to have sex yet. This definitely sounds like mental block on your part. The fact that she is not helping is only making matters worse. I think you're going to have to work out the issues with your relationship before you can even approach the issues you're having in bed.

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nack104

She tries to help me get off, but then she gets frustrated because she becomes bored and I'm getting no where. It's just a very frustrating ordeal because I don't understand why I can't be the typical college guy. It sometimes like right now drives me to feel suicidal eager to do something rash. She gets frustrated too calling me an asshole because I'm dwelling over the situation... she thinks I need to go fix my other medical problems and then after that's done we'll worry about this. God the things she told me the other night when she failed to get me off made me want to die. This all stems from way back when when I said something disrespectful to her after I lost my erection while putting on a condom. It's just so frustrating, I don't know what to do. I shouldn't have to be talking with people online about this, but I don't see any other choice. Whenever I bring it up with her she tells me to not worry about it right now, I then get into a bad mood because of the things she told me that one night, and then she calls me an asshole for not forgetting about it.

thed00t

Tell her to stop calling you an asshole. Then explain that it's very important to you, and you can't explain why. It's instinct, but that isn't the point. The point is, it's important to you, and so it's important to her. If she has a problem with that, or doesn't feel it as important, then I would restress that it's something that you need to work through, or you just won't feel right. It's not the physical thing for you anymore, it's mental. It's her calling you an asshole and trying to play it off. It probably started physical, but for whatever reason, it's now mental. I think partial proof in that is the fact that you keep brining up the "things she said" after you "said something disrespectful". Clearly you are dwelling on this and your innate sense of rejection is roadblock. You need a create an enviroment where this is a non-issue and she understands your frustration.

As for the anxiety, I don't really have much advice. But you need to get over that mental hurdle first and she needs to help you. She needs to WANT to help you in order for it to work. Otherwise, you'll end up resenting her for helping you, but not wanting to help you. If she doesn't want to do this, and/or unwilling, then I'm sorry my friend, but you need to consider that relationship doomed. After explaining and helping her understand the importantance that is. I'm not advising to just give up.

I think part of HER problem might be that she feels the importance lies within you just getting off. And it's not that. Girls don't think like us, and getting off to them can be a non-issue. For us, it's not only sexually frusterating and can be physically unconfortable, but it also does a great deal for our overall self confidence and mood. This is the part she needs to understand. It's hard to explain, because honestly we don't even know the why, we just know.

Once you guys get over that hurdle, I suspect the rest will fall into place. Hopefully the both of you will be so enamoured with the new sharing of intimacy that both of you will be eager to couple. And I suspect once you do it once, the whole newness of the relationship will not make it the last.

I hope that helps.

maleficent

...other medical problems...

Might you be on some sort of medication that is causing this problem for you? You might want to talk to your doctor...

In all honesty, she's not worthy of you, if you care abotu the person you are with, it's not frustrating trying to 'get them off', it's soemthig that you want to do, because you care about that person, You'd NEVER call them an asshole or say hurtful things to them-- that's just so completely wrong...

Sweetie, you can do so much better than her, someone who will love you and treat you with respect and care about you and your needs.. >Relationships are a two way street... She's going one way...

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Flyguy

I'm in agreement with the majority. She needs to realize that sex is a two way street. From what you've described, she sounds pretty immature to be having sex. Believe me, I've dated a few in the past. You also sound like you have some growing up to do. Absent you taking any medication, the fact that you're losing your erection when you two are starting to get intimate is normal. If she is your first sexual partner then I'd say you're just nervous. You're not alone, it happened to me too the first few times I had sex. You both need to relax and realize that sex isn't a "hurry up' session. Just enjoy each other and things should flow naturally.

nack104

I'm not on any medication, I'm just having serious heart and neurological problems right now, and the doctors are trying to figure out what's wrong. My girlfriend told me once we figure out what's wrong then we can start to deal with my "special problem."

I can never bring this up with her again because she's only going to get upset. She called me an asshole because I started saying stuff like "well if we continue the way we're handling this you're going to have to find someone else since I'll never just get over this and be able to have sex." She wants to have kids, and it scares me that in a few years it'll get to the point where I'll still be nervous because of how she handles it, and then she'll have to find somebody else to have kids. She gets mad at me because she says it's not her fault at all and this isn't even important right now. If I tell her it's important to me she'll think I'm just another guy who needs sex. God damnit it's irritating me so much because I can not speak with her about this or she'll just get mad again. Besides, if I tell her how much it's bothering me, what can we possibly do? If we get into another big fight about it, the next time I see her it'll be so uncomfortable in bed that I'll have to just kiss her and say goodnight.

And by the way, I can get myself off just fine. It's the sense of someone else being there that makes me cringe.

She cares about me, but for some reason she just gets very irritated about this subject and it's because she's never had to deal with it before. She yelled at me telling me she's had sex 100s of times before (with only one ex) and she's never had this problem. I tried explaining to her that I don't need male enhancement pills (which she suggested) because this is entirely anxiety and nothing medical or physical. I just wish we could resolve this issue and I could go on assured about my performance.

maleficent

Her insensitivity to your problem isn't helping you at all. and her helping by suggesting male enhancement pills aren't showing you any support.

Your problem isn't rare, I don't think, it just may not be talked about openly. Do some research on it at some of the medical websites, and read up on it with her. Sharing a problem means sharing it, not her belittling you or making you feel bad.

And you have to work thru your insecurities, other people have experienced this, stop worrying so much about what she says and think about yourself. You can get yourself off, so you know you are capable of it... It's just going to take practice and understanding and stop worring about years down the road - think about today.

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Ofirethorn

Okay, Lets start at the Begining, An Erection is a Vascular Reaction. It requires blood flow, or in this case the Stopage of, High or Low Blood Pressure could be the Whole casue of your PHYSICAL problem. How ever...... Take some advice, Untill you can love your self, you can't Love somebody else.

nack104

I'm not really sure what you're saying here. Getting erections is only an issue when I have anxiety, and secondly, I don't see how the second part has anything to do with the situation?

Squishor

It sounds to me like you two have some communication issues. For example, how she says you shouldn't worry about it right now and resolve your other medical issues first. This does seem to show some concern for your health coming first (a good thing), but the problem lies in you worrying about her thinking you're just another guy who wants sex and her creating an environment where you don't feel like you can talk to her. Because to me, it sounds like you're being pretty nice about it. But if you had been able to successfully communicate your feelings to her, the two of you would be busy working on the issue instead of fighting, right? Does she listen to you?

And the other side of the coin is, maybe she's not getting through to you either. Because there's a good chance she may be thinking there's something about her that turns you off and that's why you're losing your erection. You know how people can be so insecure - maybe she thinks you secretly think she's ugly and gross, and she's scared to talk about it.

I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but then again when you say she yells at you for it...I dunno, that's pretty bad. I've occasionally encountered penises that wouldn't stand up and they responded just fine to patience and understanding, not yelling.

Meier_Link

I'm no psychologist, and certainly not entirely sane, but here's my take... She intimidates you because you feel inferior to her sexually. When you're by yourself you have control and in you mind you can say whatever you want to the chicks you fantisize about.

What I think you should do about it is stop worrying about her and how she feels about it and look at her like the object you fantasize about when you're jerking off. What might also help is not to jerk off for a while, say a week, and maybe drink a moderate amount of alcohol to reduce your inhibitions (under the amount it would take you to black out).

nack104

I will definately never drink alcohol, so that is not an option. However, Meier, I will think about looking at it your way. I think right now that is my only probable solution other than something drastic.

DJ Happy

Are you a virgin? I had the same problems when I was a virgin - performance anxiety would cause my hard-on to disappear during crunch-time (I was dating someone who had previously dated the town stud and before we went out she had mentioned a few times that he was dynamite in bed, which didn't help). In that instance, alcohol actually helped and when I eventually lost my virginity it was one of the best sex sessions I've ever had.

What you really need to do is relax and stop worrying about it, but that is far easier said than done - I know, I've been there. And that's where the alcohol helped me.

Anomaly_

And she would be absolutely right. "Serious heart and neurological problems" could certainly be the source of your dysfunction. Physiological conditions should be addressed before you even suspect pyschological erectile problems.

nack104

I really believe that I just need to relax. I don't think it has anything to do with my medical condition. The only problem then is that because of the person I am, I will never be able to relax under my own accord. I'm am very sure that alcohol would work, but as I said I will never drink it so that's not an option. Are there any pills out there that'll do it? And I'm not talking about drugs. I'm going to visit my girlfriend very soon, and I want to be able to comfortable with her. I know that once it's time for bedtime the tension will be too much.

lurkette

Forgive my bluntness, but bullshit! You're not hard-wired to be anxious about this, and it's not something that you can't overcome. You absolutely have the capacity for relaxation and enjoyment, you just have some pretty strong psychological barriers in place. And you're impatient.

er...What are you talking about, then? Pills (herbal or pharmaceutical) are pretty much drugs.

This is beside the point.

Listen, dude. As you point out, your problem is probably not physical - you're able to get off on your own - so it's gotta be psychological. And unfortunately there's no quick-fix pill for "make me quit thinking sex is dirty and while you're at it make my girlfriend sexually generous."

I'd suggest taking some of the pressure off. You're all "hurry up I gotta be okay nownownownow," but it sounds like you guys have some issues you need to work out first. How about taking sex completely off the table for a little while? Remove the pressure, remove the expectations, remove the stress, and just spend time with each other. When bedtime rolls around, either things happen, or they don't. If they don't, just go to sleep!

Meantime, you work on getting over the whole "I respect her too much" baloney, and decide whether you really want to be with someone who does treat you kind of badly, from what I've seen here. Although, some of what you describe could just be her responding to the immense pressure you're putting on yourself and, I assume, on her, to make this work. Could be she's just tired of dealing with it and just wants to spend time with you not thinking about how to fix this. Hence my suggestion above.

Good luck!

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Ustwo

I’m not a big fan of peeing in a line up at sporting events and sometimes I can’t relax enough to, but I can have sex in front of other people no problem, so the two may well be not related.

This makes it sound like sex is very dirty to you. You need to get your head straight a bit on this and find a girlfriend willing to help you out with it. If you can get off alone then its not a physical thing. Also are you attracted to her? Perhaps the problem is she doesn’t really turn you on at a physical level.

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FallenAvatar

I know this sounds weird but you said heart problems. I used to have flutters or palpitations. I would get this with stress and panic attacks. My heart beats 120 times a minute sitting down. That's just how it works. Now they did tell me that your diet can help control panic attacks and heart fluttering if you're having those. Such things like caffeine can cause problems. Stress is a big thing too.

My advise to you is see a doctor. If they can't help you see a shrink. This might be something that you cannot control, past troubles in your life etc. Go to a doctor and find everything out. And be sweet to your girlfriend. You'll both get through this it'll just take time... don't scare her off.

nack104

Why can't pills like Lexapro be available at the drug store? I am so uncomfortable talking with a doctor about my anxiety that I fear I will never get help for it. And then every night I warn my girlfriend that I can't call her because I'm depressed, but she says it'll be ok. Then every night we end up in a bad discussion because she's frustrated with me and I'm frustrated with her. I know that if I wasn't so depressed when talking with her that I'd be fine, but I can not go see a doctor about it. All I want right now is a gun.

nack104

I tried bringing up my feelings on this with my girlfriend again, and it didn't go very well. Everytime I try to talk with her about it she becomes upset, she started crying, and she just becomes very defensive. We basically came to the agreement that there will be no sex and that while I can pleasure her, because I'm so nervous it's ok that I can never cum myself. So in other words, the understanding is that I get to get her off but since I'm so nervous she's fine with never doing it for me. I still do not feel good about our sexual relationship, and I feel terrible right now.

xxSquirtxx

This really isn't healthy - you need to see a doctor. And you need to talk to a professional about the mental aspects of this SOON.