Shizukana

It's always been sort of a running joke in comedies and whatever that women sometimes fake orgasms. I've asked my girlfriend of four years about this a few different times, and she's assured me that she wouldn't do such a thing.

So, we were watching a Wanda Sykes comedy special, and she's talking about faking orgasms and the thought process behind it. My girlfriend starts laughing hysterically, and I kind of give her a quizzical "ummm wtf?" kind of look. She then proceeds to tell me something to the effect of, "That's so true!" I glare, and she says, "But honestly, I've only done it probably twice in the entire time we've been together."

Twice in four years is not a lot, granted. But it still pisses me off that she would lie about it, and then try to pass it off as okay just because it's only happened a few times. Faking an orgasm, to me, would be like me saying, "Yes honey, I think you look lovely in that dress!" when I really think it's ugly and she looks like a (insert word here) in it. It's a ruse, and I don't appreciate it.

I guess my question is, should I be so upset about it? I feel justified in being upset, but I guess I'm looking to find out if I'm the only one who feels this way.

Thanks...

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MageB420666

hell yeah you should be upset. She lied to you. You need to talk to her, tell her that your upset and why. If she lied about doing it then she probably lied about doing only twice. Although she probably only lied to keep from hurting your feelings, cause something like that is quite a hit to the ego.

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Holo

My thing about faking is the faker is only depriving themselves and lying to their partner. It would be so much easier just to say, "I'm not into it tonite, or I don't need to get off this time" or something similar. I know some guys are obsessive about the woman having an orgasm, and they need to be given consideration and affirmation, but don't ever fake it. It really doesn't make anything easier if you are found out.


I would ask her why she chose to fake it on those occasions. Why did she choose faking over communication? Explain to her you'd rather not get her off once in a while than be duped.

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lurkette

I'm with Holo. I don't think I'd necessarily be upset so much as I'd be concerned that she wasn't communicating honestly for some reason. Your being upset about it and taking it personally (I know, it's hard NOT to take something like this personally) isn't going to solve the problem or make anything better, but telling her your concerns and finding out why she did it will.

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StickODynomite

I think some women fake it not to insult their partner but rather to get it over with. That sounds awful, i know. Take into consideration the woman's point of view. He wants to go at it and she thinks to herself 'ok i could go with this..' everything is fine and dandy and then she's not feeling it quite as much as he is, or right at that point he wants to bang the junk out of her and she's starting to dry out/burn, or she's turned off.. whatever the case may be.

I'm not saying that its OK to fake an orgasm. I'm just saying its EASIER that way sometimes. (Oh and for the record I don't fake orgasms with my fiance)
Just talk to her and ask her why, maybe knowing will put you at ease. Maybe not. Anyway.. i agree with lurkette.

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gar1976

It's a communication thing.

She's not comfortable enough with you to state, "I'm not enjoying myself," or "I was kind of in the mood, but for whatever reason don't want to do this anymore..."

It sucks, and you just need to sit down and have a calm chat with her. Also, look at your own reactions to things like: when she turns you down for sex, how you view her opinions on sex, etc.

StickODynomite

Nice posting! ! Very nice.

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"The human mind is like a parachute, it works best when open."

Shizukana

My issue is, I could understand her not wanting to hurt my feelings IF she'd had the same regard about it all throughout the relationship... but she hasn't. She typically has no problems telling me "not tonight," or telling me in the middle of it all that she's getting sore or if something turns her off. In fact, she's never had any problem speaking her mind about ANYTHING that bugged her.

I agree with Holo's comment - "the faker is only depriving themselves and lying to their partner." She knows how much it bothers me and decided to do it anyway, evidently figuring I'd never find out - makes me wonder how many other things she's slid under my nose. Something I've heard her say before is, "if you lie about one thing, what's to say you're not lying about more things?" Well, her actions tonight make me ask the same question.

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"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw

Shizukana

I totally agree that it's a communication issue, and that it needs to be discussed. I'm mainly asking whether I should consider this lying and be as upset as if she'd lied to me about anything else, or whether my anger and frustration is silly or unfounded.

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"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw

Willravel

I don't think women understand that it isn't a comedy central joke to fake an orgasm, but a very serious blow to a mans ego and feelings. Talk with her about it. If she shuts you down, and there is a chane she might pull a 'you're makinjg a big deal out of nothing' argument take a proactive role. I am one of the few guys who has had a retalitory fake orgasm, just to see what happens. Use lotsa lube and do your buisness. Then afterwards, finish yourself off. If it doesn't bother her, then it isn't personal. If it does bother her, now she has the benifit of sympathy in order for you to resolve. I'm not saying this will work, and it's a little mean, but it's an option.
Short of that last resort, I agree with basically every response. It's essentially a lie. She has to understand how much you feel decieved when she fakes an orgasm. An orgasm is a very special thing to share with someone. Faking it with someone illustrates a basic or underlying communication problem. Also, if one lies about something as serious as this, how easy would it be to lie in other areas?
Go talk to her and tell her how you feel.
Best of luck.

SparklingDot

I don't see the point in faking. All it does is teach the guy the wrong things to do (ie - it worked last time, so I'll do it from now on). Four years is a long time together, so you guys should be comfortable enough to talk about it and figure things out. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, or thinks you have some sort of expectations. You might be surprised at her reasoning.

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Flyguy

Women are so much shooting themselves in the foot by faking it. Like the others said, they guy will go on thinking that he's the greatest thing that she's had since Don Juan. And time after time, he'll keep fucking up when he's fucking the poor girl thinking that he's doing right by her. Silly women, they never learn when it comes to faking.

Shizukana

Thanks for all your advice.

We talked this morning, and now it's turned around on me, because a long time ago I admitted that I occasionally think about others while masturbating - and that was brought back up. She says she feels very strongly about it, and that in her mind, it's cheating on her, and it makes the relationship a lie to do something like that.

Thoughts?

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"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw

tenchi069

Regarding your first subject about her faking it: I wouldn't be upset at the fact that she faked it once or twice ( maybe more or less, but that is none the matter ) but rather try to communicate as to find out why she felt she couldn't be open with you about it to begin with.

As for the second issue, it sounds likes she got defensive of you wanting to talk about this. I can only assume ( you will have to ask and find out ) that she took it as you accusing her of lying to you and thus violating your trust, so she turned around and accused/brought up something that you have done that is mistrust in her eyes. I wouldn't get upset over this as it is a natural reaction, but I would try to keep the communication lines open between the two of you and try not to come across as aggressive like trying to "win" an argument, but rather share your thoughts and your feelings, and encourage her to do the same to you.

All the best

-tenchi

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lurkette

Forgive me, but you are both very silly people.

Justified or not, most women regard faking an orgasm as a little white lie akin to "no those pants don't make you look fat." You are taking this far too seriously. It doesn't necessarily mean she's lying to you in other areas of the relationship.

Fantasizing about other people when you're masturbating is completely normal, and if she feels threatened and like it's cheating, she's silly. You can't control what you feel, only what you do about it. If she expects you to suddenly cease finding all other human beings attractive because you're in a relationship, she is being completely unrealistic.

It sounds like the two of you don't entirely trust each other, and that that might be the foundation for these suspicions and hurt feelings, and not the other way round. It sounds like you're both just looking for reasons not to trust each other. That, IMHO, is the problem, not faked orgasms or fantasy lovers.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

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screamincheetah

If you read my post in the "women enjoying oral sex" post, you'll see that giving women pleasure is very important to me. Like someone said earilier, women sometimes don't want to hurt the man's feelings, so they fake. I agree with you Shizukana that the lying sucks, and that you want to know what's really happening. But from the women's stand point, if you're someone who's very keyed up on that orgasm, she probably feels it's easier sometimes to just keep your ego intact. If you make sure to let her know that it's not about you in any way, but all about her, and that she needs to just let you know what's really happening and that no matter the answer you'll be fine with it, that would help. I know you're specifically wanting to know how mad you should be with her. Yes she lied. Yes that sucks. She needs to know that you're not happy with that, and it isn't appreciated. You should not hold onto this though and make it to big of a deal. Overall she was probably trying to keep you happy by faking, and while a lie's a lie, some are bigger than others. We all lie a little to keep the waters calm. So communicate your feelings, let her know you need complete honesty in that regard, and then let it go.

Blackthorn

Hint: If she's saying twice she means that like...hmmmm...say....Twenty times Twice.

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gabshu

dude, sometimes its late and you're tired and just wanna get it over with, and not have to sit through a depressed man that couldn't make you orgasm. its just easier, it doesnt have much to do with the state or your relationship, i think.

Willravel

Sorry about before, I was kinda venting about the whole turning it around on her idea. Did she answer your question about the fake orgasm, or just shoot back at you about your masterbation thoughts?

Shizukana

I don't think it's silly that I'm upset about her lying, but I do understand what you are trying to say, lurkette, and agree to an extent.

We talked again this afternoon, and decided that no, she shouldn't have lied about it, and that the specific times she did weren't at all justified but were definately situations that differ greatly from the norm. i.e. They were during times that probably mandated a less communicative response. We also agreed that it should not happen again and that while it did happen, and sucks that it happened, that we should consider it behind us.

The masturbatory practices thing - I told her it's not necessarily pretermined or premeditated that I go in there thinking about someone else, but that it just kind of happens. She doesn't like the fact that I masturbate, because she feels I shouldn't have to, and that it's her job to "take care of me" if I need it, which led to a discussion about spending more quality alone time together. At any rate, I've finally gotten her to realize that our sex life is suffering and I think in the near future there will be some commitment from both parties to rectify that situation.

Thanks again for all your advice. It certainly is appreciated, and your consolations last night when I was so mad were as well.

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"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw

CityOfAngels

Be upset that she lied to you, not that she fakes it.

When she fakes an orgasm, she does it for your benefit. It's a sure sign that she cares about you. You should be happy that she doesn't just lay there motionless, saying, "I'm tired now. Let's stop."

As curiosity always kills the cat, you killed the greatness of ignorance by asking her the question, and surely enough she lied to you about it, probably in an attempt to make you feel like a sex-God. Whether for a good cause or not, lies need to be dealt with swiftly before they either get bigger or lead to other lies. Be a bit easy on her this time, but still talk to her about it. And let her know that you don't really care if she fakes orgasms for you or not, you were just wondering. I don't care if you really mean that, but SAY IT. That way you get to be her sex-God after the whole fiasco.

Jaca

Perfect analysis.

To respond to the original issue, let me say from a woman's perspective, sometimes, it just ain't gonna happen. Regardless of the pleasure we got from the attempt, sometimes a climax just isn't there for us. Furthermore, after so much trying, when it's not going to happen - not only is it not going to happen, but trying to make it happen is just plain painful.

Now, a woman telling that to the man who she's having sex with at that moment can cause embarrassment, humiliation, ego-bruising, anger, or any other plethora of harmful emotions. No matter what job a man undertakes, he does so with the intention of getting the job done. We, as women know this.

With that said, it's a lot more simple for a woman to just fake it, let the man know that he did all that was required, and let you both off the hook. It's usually done with the utmost of respect. However, If a woman has to fake ALL the time, or even a majority of the time, I'd say the problems probably run deeper, and there are aspects of the relationship that need to be addressed.

In this case, I think lurkette is correct and there are probably issues that need to be addressed in your relationship anyway.

uptown

Once in awhile you just can't get off no matter what.If the experience was enjoyable overall that's all that should matter.If I can't orgasm it's usually because I'm overtired and just need sleep.The last thing I want is to spend 20 minutes afterwards disecting our entire relationship,Faking it proves useful on such occasions.