frozenstellar

firstly, i know i fucked up, and i fucked up bad. you'll read why. me & her have been together for 8months, have never once had an argument (a serious one, lots of joking ones), and trusted each other as i live in a different city over an hour away.

for quite a while (i only see her fri/sat(day) due to uni), i'd questioned her relationship with one of her ex's. she knew i had issues with him - she continued to go to his place when he had a bbq and people over for drinks. i handled it - thought nothing of it.

things lately just didn't seem 'right' in the past few weeks, and gave no indication as to why. the first thing i noticed - we havent had sex in 3 weeks. usually after a week away - she pounces on me first thing. last 3 weeks - not interested as she was tired - she generally fell straight asleep when we shut the light off. thought nothing of it - she has a hectic week and had been out the night before a couple of times.

this weekend was different - usually its just fri/sat. i skipped friday at uni, and came down thursday, friday & saturday, to spend an extra day with her. things are ok, not 'right', but ok. saturday morning i'm woken up by her on the phone to her work. totally disregarding the plans we'd made for saturday - she says to work 'yeah, i'll come in for you', to which i later found out - wasnt even her store calling her, infact the otherside of the city, just to fill the shift.

when asked.. 'what about our plans for today?'
'oh, i thought you wouldnt mind, cuz you were here on thursday'

that was the icing on the cake. royally pissed me off, that i'd miss a day of classes (to which now i'm fucked for multi-variable calculus), and she goes to work basically making it a normal weekend.

fast forward a few hours - i dropped her off at work, went back to her place, packed my stuff up to come home. i dropped my phone - it landed under the bed..... right next to an open diary.

i cant remember exactly what was written - anywhere there is .......... is a mental blank, i cant remember what was written.

'i was sitting on his knee - his hands gently roaming all over, below my waist...........we were naked, he was kissing me, gently blowing cool air over me, it was kind of nice, something different........ he kissed me all over, then he fingered me. the only reason we didnt fuck was he couldnt get it up............on the phone........ save it for a later date'

by this stage i fucking choked. reading on to a later entry.. a few days later if i recall, 'i dont know whether to tell him. i've tried to feel guilty, but i just cant. i want to talk about to my friend *name1*, the differences in the two, but i cant. it would crush him. i cant talk about it to *name2*, she'll think a lot less of me for doing that to him (me).

reading the last entry 'i want to forget about it. i want to be with him (me).

this was all dated before our 6months, so it happened a while ago, and things have been ok, up until a few weeks ago. i regret reading it. she doesnt know that i've read it - she knows that i know she was with this ex though.... driving home i couldnt handle it - on the side of the freeway, throwing up. i still feel sick in the stomach - i just cant seem to want to eat anything.

i called her last night - and got her to come up here, to talk things through. i asked her basically straight out on the phone 'have you cheated on me?'

'no'

she finally confessed about it - it happened once. she spoke nothing of it to anyone - even her friends. the first thing she wanted to know how i knew- i said i got a phone call telling me, as diary = waaay out of bounds. hence the very start of this thread. i told her after she swore not to mention who it was that called to anyone. i said it was the ex's best mate that called - she believed it. now she doesnt trust the ex, as he said

we talked things through last night - and i spent today with her, to which we were very cuddly watching a couple of movies. she fell asleep in my arms last night - she never usually does. i said to her 'dont fucking lie, or hide anything from me - if you had've come forward earlier, it would've hurt a lot less than finding out from someone else'.

as it happened 2months ago, and i'm willing to take her word that it was 'a once off'. it runs through my head if it has happened again - but it doesnt work - she hasnt been out without me since it happened, and i've seen her happy when i've been around her after it happened, and i'm looking at this as a mistake.

we both want us to move forward together. i said to her 'forgiven, forgotten. the limits are now well defined, there isnt a second chance'. i know we're capable of it.

but how do i make myself feel better?

i still feel sick on the stomach (though i have a feeling its cuz i've barely eaten in the last 24hrs, and have smoked like a chimney), and can't get it out my head - i played pool with the guy on thursday night when we were all out with her friends. i know i can get learn to trust her again, and i want to, but i cant help but re-read the words as they were written in the diary, its burnt into my skull.

Fob_Magi

tough one man... I'm glad its not me...
I've never encountered this myself, but the friends I have that stay with a girl that cheats on them, she always cheats again.. I'm sure its not a universal constant.. but all 3 friends this sort of thing has happened to, she did it again...
I understand wanting to work things out.. love is a powerful emotion, but if it were me, I'm a very jealous person.. I would leave, before I ended up killing myself or somebody else :/

I hope you work your problems out and either have a happy relationship with her, or find somebody else...

sorry I dont know how to make yourself feel better.. not very goo d at making myself feel better much less other people..

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Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both.
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven".
Such is the Rule of Honor.

Schwan

I’m sure that a lot of people will tell you to forget about her, and move on, because she will probably cheat on you again. I think, however, that if you really love her, she’s sorry about what she has done, and feel thesame about you, then you should stay with her. Anyway, I’m sure there is a reason hidden somewhere for what she has done, and this was a signal that, in one way or another, something didn’t work out in your relationship, and there was a problem in communication between both of you. So, to sum up, don’t bail out, and work with what you’ve got.

ratbastid

Okay, you have a confession to make. You're asking her for total honesty when YOU'RE lying. And then you're surprised when you don't trust her response.

You have to come clean about the diary. HAVE to. NOT optional. Explain how it happened, just like you explained to us. Seems fairly innocent to me, but she may not feel the same way. Bottom line is, you're going to have to apologize for violating her privacy like that. Because that lie is now gnawing at the core of your relationship, making trust absolutely impossible.

What will happen after you've cleaned that up? Probably a really honest conversation about what's going on in your relationship. You'll have space to talk about the things that have been frustrating you, and she'll have an opportunity to say all the same. You'll be a hundred times stronger for it, in the end.

SixEdxMia

Total honesty is in the eye of the beholder.
Tell her someday. Years from now,How you really found out.Let everything balance out if it's going to before you rock the boat anymore.

You deserved that information.and wrong the way you got it,but even worse... was what she did behind your back.

*and he couldn't get it up?!?!* wtf

Feel good man.. feel good.

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timalkin

Life's too short to deal with cheaters. Dump the hoe.

Kid_Karysma

Most people would tell you to leave her because she's just going to do it again somewhere down the line. If it were me though, I'd stay with her. I've been in virtually the same position as yourself and I stuck with her. I don't think she ever cheated on me again, but we did end up breaking up about 10 months later.
Stick with it, if worse comes to worse, a broken heart is recoverable.

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meepa

Okay, here is what I got out of it. You said she wrote the only reason they didn't follow through was because he couldn't get it up. That leads me to believe that she was interested in him, but in the end he couldn't fulfill her sexually, so of course she is going to want to throw him away and go back to what works (you). Obviously you know her best, but if it were me, my confidence and trust would be shattered and I wouldn't put up with that... Especially for someone who you've only been with for less than a year.

To me, eight months is long enough for two people to be respectful of each other and settle down, thus disallowing any "Accidental fooling around" or however you want to name it... Yet the relationship is not long enough nor well established enough to warrant giving her a second chance either.

cj2112

ratbastid said it better than i could've. you really don't have much choice unless you want to have a "close relationship" based on lies and deceit

isis

Well, I'd have to agree that you'll tell her everything about coming across her diary. Its the only thing to get everything up in the air.

Also, if you keep it the way it is without talking about EVERYTHING, you'll probably hold a hidden resentment for her in the back of your mind. A pretty similiar situation happened to me a week or two ago, and I hold a HUGE resentment for him. We're broken up now, and trying to stay friends. The main reason I feel this for him is because he lies to me. Honesty is the best policy. Even if its only you telling the truth, it'll feel better in the long run.

Its up to you to make the decision, and there is lots of great advice from people on here .. but just remember, there might be that little thing in the back of your head that will just kill you from now on. I hope everything works out for you dude, I know how hard it is, and I give you the best of luck.

Holo

Break up with her. It would be one thing if you really did find out secondhand but moral righteousness is not yours to claim any longer. I had my gf read my journal a couple times and I hated her for it, as they were innocent things like dreams of other girls (sleeping dreams, not fantasies) and a mock suicide note I had written weeks before. I don't keep any kind of journal now because of her invasion of my privacy. If I were you I would've broke up with her right when I read the diary. You can't bring it up becuase your reading it was wrong but you can't ignore knowledge once you know it. Until you totally clear the air on all dishonesty, hers andyours there is no way you can get back on track. Good luck and remember thegolden rule of diary reading; if you read something you don't like you can't be pissed at the person who wrote it since you aren't supposed to be reading it anyway.

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jazz

If you can't trust her then it is gonna be really hard to have a relationship. Now when she goes out you are gonna wonder if she is actually being faithful to you..and that'll lead to a lot of arguements and bad feelings.

Definitely let her know about the diary incident. She will be mad, but since you were not actually trying to snoop she will hopefully be able to get over it.

I'd say try to work it out. Give it awhile, but if you constantly question if she is telling you the truth then it is not worth it.

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canuckguy

your gonna be stuck with months or years of wondering what she is doing when she is not around you, if she goes to a bar, or out with friends..etc. once a cheater always a cheater imo.

insidious_machinae

This message has been deleted.

la petite moi

He personally has no experiences with cheating. He is referring to me. I cheated on my ex-boyfriend two weeks before we broke up (we knew things were going downhill). Keep in mind, as well, that around this time I was breaking down mentally (eating disorders, taking pills...etc.). I told this to nwlinkvxd before we even really got into our relationship. MY opinion, and I actually HAVE THE EXPERIENCE TO SAY THIS, is that given that I realised my mistake and how cheating can really screw you up...It would be HARDER to cheat again.

Then again, that is me. I grow attached to people very easily, so cheating is not necessarily an easy thing for me to do consciously.

After only six months in a relationship and she was cheating? I think I would take that as a sign that she isn't very committed in the long run, at least.

SpikeQX99

I don't have much experience in this realm, but I'd have to say, you need to tell her honestly about how you found out.

You can't live with the fact that you are expecting her to be honest and you can flat out lie and tell her that someone else tipped you off about her cheating.

It's gonna be a rough one for sure, but if she's really into you and you are for her, you guys should come out of this fine.

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analog

Not to downplay it, but there are a lot worse things to happen to your heart when you care for someone.

As for her, I hate cheaters. I'd have to REALLY REALLY REALLY love the hell out of a girl to even consider staying with her after that.

EDIT: Just re-read and saw she'd written "save it for a later date". Fuck her, move on.

sillygirl

This is really a decision you need to make on your own. It's apparently bothering you that she told you the truth and you didn't tell her the truth. This is not an 'eye for an eye' situation, as some people have made it sound.

Personally I think what you should've done in the first place was start off by telling her what happened with the diary. I'd rather be told up front than find out at a later date.

If it was me, I'd rather have you tell me now that you really found out by reading in my diary than wait longer, let me gain more trust in you, THEN find out you'd been lying all that time.

WarWagon

She just lied to your face, and she wrote that she can't feel guilty about it. Don't let her woo you back so she has a "Safety" to cling on to, dump the bitch.

frozenstellar

i'd thought about your post for since i first read it yesterday. i saw the fault in my logic, and it progressively ate more and more away, that i was hiding something from her, when i'm hurt that she kept something from me. how could i possibly expect that to be fair, or even to work?

I got her to run through the course of events that happened that night. it matched quite closely with what i'd read, not exact (enough to know there was quite heavy undergarment groping), but very close. close enough to convince me she was telling the truth.

I spoke up about having read her diary, exactly like i said it here. She's not happy, but not hurt. she understood how i came across it, and understands why i'm so hurt. she hadn't looked at it since she wrote it. i made her read through the whole entry, i think her jaw hit the floor, realising what i'd read. i asked her about what i remember written (as i said in first post - a lot of mental blanks. tedency to speed-read quite poorly).

I know a lot of you have said 'dump the hoe' and other such advice, espicially after reading 'on the phone....... save it for a later date'. after having been read the passage, word for word a little less shocked than when i did on saturday, it read a LOT differently when read properly, and not skimmed.

'the only reason we didnt fuck was he couldnt get it up' didnt exist written like that, or mean anything like that.

'I stopped him. I couldn't do it, it felt so wrong. that was the only reason we didnt fuck, he wanted to. even if he wanted to he couldn't, he couldn't get it up.' to which continued to

'*his name* has a small dick. atleast now i know i didnt get the short end of the stick... haha, thats sad that you make jokes like that *hername*'

'I got off the mattress, and into his bed. God i love uno - i won the rights to sleep in his bed over a game... score! no lumpy mattress for me! sucker.. what man gives up his bed for another girl? an idiot, thats what.'

The last thing i remember was thinking what i'd done. he woke me up - he was on his phone. i hate drunken phone calls, dont you? fucken annoying people, how dare they wake up my precious sleep! oh well. he realised i was awake, and asked if we wanted to try again. i think i grunted out 'no', then he said 'oh, we'll save it for a later date then'. i just grunted and fell back asleep.

'i've tried to feel guilty, but just cant' bit read differently also, major mis-interpretation again, but there was more that i didnt read 'i cant feel guilty because i just want to forget about it. Yes, i fucked up, but if i feel guilty about it, i'm never going to get over it, and will effect us more if i do than if i dont. i just want to forget about it, and move on'

there was a lot more that i'm not going to type out that toned it down a lot more than what i thought i'd read. granted, she's not reading it to me now while i type, but thats pretty close as to how it read. she welcomed me to read it again when i'm down next if i didnt believe her. there was still the talk about the talking to her friends about the differences, but also had her writing that 'if i do that, they'll never let me live it down, and i'll never be able to move forward, or feel comfortable around them'

she didnt really go anywhere near as apeshit as i thought she would from reading her diary. she barely spoke of it. everytime i mentioned that 'i screwed up aswell' she replied 'yes, you did, but in the scheme of things i did much, MUCH worse'.

We spoke about it for quite a while afterwards. i said to her that she has majorly betrayed my trust, something that is going to take a lot to get back. granted, you still have some, but nowhere near what you did. the only reason you have some is because i know that it only happened once. things were going to be a bit different for a while, that i cant just go back to how things were, that she was going to have to deal with that.

all in all, i think things are a lot better for getting everything out in the open. i definately feel better, still hurt, but a lot better. i think things will work out. i honestly think she's taken a route 'la petite moi' said, i think it would be harder for her to cheat a 2nd time.

none of her friends she's had since primary school have ever seen her cry. nothing has brought her to tears in years, the last that she could remember was a funeral of an aunty.

they were flowing tonight.

you may not think that means a lot. but personally, that says a lot. yes, they may not, but i very VERY much doubt it.

FallenAvatar

It is hard to really decide if cheating is justifable. Let me take that back, it is never justified. The question is this. Are you comfortable with being with her after this as well as, is she faithful enough to take this relationship anywhere? I don't know if I could ever be with someone that cheated on me. There might be a FEW a SELECT FEW places where I could forgive her. So this is really a question of trust. If you can trust her and she can be just yours for the rest of the relationship then she's worth it. She may have just done it to do it, but personally I think that's bullshit.

I will give you this. If you think you can trust her, you can go for it. I myself would probably not, depending on how much I really loved the woman. This choice is yours. No one here can answer it for you, as we are not in your position. I will say this though, if you do infact trust her, still set yourself up for another event like this. Every bit of trust has a bit of doubt in it.

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ratbastid

Good for you. Now you can have a relationship. It was a courageous thing to do, and I salute you for it.

Yakk

Good job frozen. And thanks: strange as it may seem, stories like this push my faith in humanity up a bit.

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

tooth

Once again being open and honest proves to be the best course of action. Go figure.

Schwan

I'm glad it turned out the way it did. Still, the relationship will be very delicate now. It's an on-going negotiation, and you have to tread softly. Best luck.

txlovely

Trust is hard to regain after a betrayal, but not impossible. It will involve a lot of effort on both your parts and a willingness to be completely forthright, no matter how difficult. I wish you much luck.

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Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.

bookerV

I've been in that situation. Almost that exact situation. She ended up doing it again.
Get out. Get out now. Don't waste your time. My new rule of thumb is 1 strike and you are OUT. I'm better off for living that way. If someone can't respect the relationship then they don't deserve it, period.
Whatever you do, I hope it works out for you. That's a very very shitty situation indeed.

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BooRadley

Get the hell out. Kick her to the curb.

You have violated her privacy, and she has violated rules of monogamy. You are calling technicalities on cheating. You aren't blowing this out of proportion... next time, she'll be blowing another dude.

That is ok, because she didn't mean to, right? Or "didn't want to?"
"I cheated on you,but I didn't want to?" Does this seem illogical to anyone else here?

I personally don't give a shit about privacy. The right to privacy is waived when you are hiding something major from a significant other. You know, something that would DIRECTLY AFFECT THE RELATIONSHIP.

This sounds like a dead end relationship to me, sorry.

The.Lunatic

I'm not clear what you're problem is here. You read your g/f diary, found out that she cheated on you. She says she won't do it again, you believe her for some reason. And still decide that what you love her enough to forgive, forgett? So you're problem is that you can't trust her and you just want things to go back to how they were. Isn't going to happen, but common now bud you feel sick to your stomac because a girl cheated on you? I mean its great to be that attached and think that she's the most important thing in the world, but just spend an hour trying to think things out from a third person view, draw your conclusions as unemotional as possible they'll be the right ones. She's only a little part of your life time heals all wounds. So just enjoy the ride (philisophical) while you can.

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pigmann

Firstly I didn't read anything but your original post because I'm tired. But my two cents are basically once a cheater always a cheater. Human nature is resistant to change.

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Shades

Here's one of the hardest lessons I've ever learned, and it was recently learned at that.

You say that you're in uni, so I guess that you're pretty young, mid-20s? That's too young to settle for someone who does this to you in less than one year. If she's not a cheater to you, she's at least careless with your feelings. Where was her love for you when she was cheating? I didn't read anything about a gun to her head.

Believe me, after my girl hurt me, then came back and cried and said she was sorry, I believed her. Hell, she DID feel bad, but you know what? It didn't stop her from doing it again, and I realized something. Some people are just going to be careless with your heart. It's not even that they want to or don't regret it, it's like people who trip on sidewalks all the time. Some people are just clumsy that way. Unless you think you can't ever find someone who won't do that to you, get out now.

You're not going to believe me now, but you will 6 or 7 months down the road. That was how long it took me to get it the first time.

slimcr

Nothing is worse than destroying someones trust in you. She has already done that. Yeah I know you love her, but just do yourself a favor and walk away.

SixEdxMia

I agree... but perhaps I am bitter?

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fallenangel

I'm glad you got things resolved. Trust was broken one too many times on both of our parts with my ex and we both ended up in situations that we didnt' want to be in. Bottom line, you dont' necessarily have to give it up just because you both violated trust (to various extents), if you work hard enough at it, and it will take time, trust can start to be regained in that person.

Sometimes things have to break in order for them to be healed properly.

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txlovely

Must agree with BR here. When how you found out is more important to that person than what was discovered, you have a dealbreaker.

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frozenstellar

i'm going to stick with my original approach - stay out on a limb, and go against what a lot of people here are saying. yes, we have trust issues at the moment, but nothing that cant be resolved as time progresses. as i said in my last post - i believe she would have major trouble doing it a 2nd time after knowing what shit it causes to happen.

there is a chance i will get burnt again, yes. i'm going to have to deal with that. i've always taken the conservative 'play it safe' approach, and not let things get a second chance in a sense if it goes sour. i just feel like i should take a risk this time, the potential return if all goes well outweighs potentially what else could happen.

think of that feeling you get for a multiple choice question - take it as this last question decides if you pass or fail. you cant resit the test after this attempt. Of 4 answers, you know which 2 answers are dead wrong, and you're looking at one answer, answer A and you have a very strong feeling you're right, but not completely sure.

your buddy questions you're response - and thinks the other, answer B, is correct. they are also very sure they are right, but not completely.

If i pick A, and are wrong (eg. my buddy was right) - i made a mistake. it hurts yes, but i know that i did what i thought was best. i'll be sure to listen to him in future.

if i pick B, and are wrong (eg. my buddy was wrong) - i'll never forgive myself for going against my will. i wont be angry at my buddy - after all, i made the decision, but i'll be sore knowing that i was right, and didnt believe in myself to act on that feeling.

i have to feed my curiousity in a sense, thus im sticking with my original thoughts on this.

gar1976

Being able to unconditionally trust the person you date/marry is priceless.

If you stay with her, no matter how well things go, you'll always have nagging doubts about her.

Question: can you live with that, never being able to 100% believe what she tells you?

If not, dump her.

Amano

Am I reading this wrong, or is there a problem here that NO ONE has yet addressed?

Frozen, this was the first problem you brought up in your post. Something recent that happened, as you said it yourself

Yet things seemed to get resolved as a one time thing that happened in the past. Are you absolutely positive that it was a one time thing? How would that explain the strange behavior in the past three weeks?

frozenstellar

Amano - I'm absolutely positive it was a one time thing. With him living about half an hour away, no public transport out that way, him working full time, her studying full time whilist working part time, and neither of them have their license to drive. If i'm not there - we're on the phone. The only night she has free is saturday night - and if she's out, its generally with her girlfriends, to whom are my friends. i see her best friend more than she does, we talk a lot more than they do, its strange, but i live over an hour away, her best friend lives only about 20minutes away, and i quite often talk to her at work and such.

i just KNOW that it only happened once. Speaking to her mum yesterday after i took her to work, she mentioned that they're going to take her to the doctors regarding her fatigue, her parents have noticed it a lot more, as im only around 2 days a week.

she also mentioned that during her last period, the fact that she often felt in so much pain that she feels lightheaded and going to faint. I said she never said it was that bad, to which her mum said 'yeah i know - we were going to go to the doctors, then she was going to tell you what was going on. she doesnt want you to worry, considering you're midsemesters and assignments were during last week.'

so when they take her to the docs this week, we'll know whats been causing it, because it wasnt just me that noticed her acting differently. her going to work on that saturday is just the money-driven goon that she is. I'd never had any problem with her going to work before, so i can see how she'd see that i wouldnt have a problem this time.