frozenstellar

firstly, i know i fucked up, and i fucked up bad. you'll read why. me & her have been together for 8months, have never once had an argument (a serious one, lots of joking ones), and trusted each other as i live in a different city over an hour away.

for quite a while (i only see her fri/sat(day) due to uni), i'd questioned her relationship with one of her ex's. she knew i had issues with him - she continued to go to his place when he had a bbq and people over for drinks. i handled it - thought nothing of it.

things lately just didn't seem 'right' in the past few weeks, and gave no indication as to why. the first thing i noticed - we havent had sex in 3 weeks. usually after a week away - she pounces on me first thing. last 3 weeks - not interested as she was tired - she generally fell straight asleep when we shut the light off. thought nothing of it - she has a hectic week and had been out the night before a couple of times.

this weekend was different - usually its just fri/sat. i skipped friday at uni, and came down thursday, friday & saturday, to spend an extra day with her. things are ok, not 'right', but ok. saturday morning i'm woken up by her on the phone to her work. totally disregarding the plans we'd made for saturday - she says to work 'yeah, i'll come in for you', to which i later found out - wasnt even her store calling her, infact the otherside of the city, just to fill the shift.

when asked.. 'what about our plans for today?'
'oh, i thought you wouldnt mind, cuz you were here on thursday'

that was the icing on the cake. royally pissed me off, that i'd miss a day of classes (to which now i'm fucked for multi-variable calculus), and she goes to work basically making it a normal weekend.

fast forward a few hours - i dropped her off at work, went back to her place, packed my stuff up to come home. i dropped my phone - it landed under the bed..... right next to an open diary.

i cant remember exactly what was written - anywhere there is .......... is a mental blank, i cant remember what was written.

'i was sitting on his knee - his hands gently roaming all over, below my waist...........we were naked, he was kissing me, gently blowing cool air over me, it was kind of nice, something different........ he kissed me all over, then he fingered me. the only reason we didnt fuck was he couldnt get it up............on the phone........ save it for a later date'

by this stage i fucking choked. reading on to a later entry.. a few days later if i recall, 'i dont know whether to tell him. i've tried to feel guilty, but i just cant. i want to talk about to my friend *name1*, the differences in the two, but i cant. it would crush him. i cant talk about it to *name2*, she'll think a lot less of me for doing that to him (me).

reading the last entry 'i want to forget about it. i want to be with him (me).

this was all dated before our 6months, so it happened a while ago, and things have been ok, up until a few weeks ago. i regret reading it. she doesnt know that i've read it - she knows that i know she was with this ex though.... driving home i couldnt handle it - on the side of the freeway, throwing up. i still feel sick in the stomach - i just cant seem to want to eat anything.

i called her last night - and got her to come up here, to talk things through. i asked her basically straight out on the phone 'have you cheated on me?'

'no'

she finally confessed about it - it happened once. she spoke nothing of it to anyone - even her friends. the first thing she wanted to know how i knew- i said i got a phone call telling me, as diary = waaay out of bounds. hence the very start of this thread. i told her after she swore not to mention who it was that called to anyone. i said it was the ex's best mate that called - she believed it. now she doesnt trust the ex, as he said

we talked things through last night - and i spent today with her, to which we were very cuddly watching a couple of movies. she fell asleep in my arms last night - she never usually does. i said to her 'dont fucking lie, or hide anything from me - if you had've come forward earlier, it would've hurt a lot less than finding out from someone else'.

as it happened 2months ago, and i'm willing to take her word that it was 'a once off'. it runs through my head if it has happened again - but it doesnt work - she hasnt been out without me since it happened, and i've seen her happy when i've been around her after it happened, and i'm looking at this as a mistake.

we both want us to move forward together. i said to her 'forgiven, forgotten. the limits are now well defined, there isnt a second chance'. i know we're capable of it.

but how do i make myself feel better?

i still feel sick on the stomach (though i have a feeling its cuz i've barely eaten in the last 24hrs, and have smoked like a chimney), and can't get it out my head - i played pool with the guy on thursday night when we were all out with her friends. i know i can get learn to trust her again, and i want to, but i cant help but re-read the words as they were written in the diary, its burnt into my skull.