frozenstellar

i'd thought about your post for since i first read it yesterday. i saw the fault in my logic, and it progressively ate more and more away, that i was hiding something from her, when i'm hurt that she kept something from me. how could i possibly expect that to be fair, or even to work?

I got her to run through the course of events that happened that night. it matched quite closely with what i'd read, not exact (enough to know there was quite heavy undergarment groping), but very close. close enough to convince me she was telling the truth.

I spoke up about having read her diary, exactly like i said it here. She's not happy, but not hurt. she understood how i came across it, and understands why i'm so hurt. she hadn't looked at it since she wrote it. i made her read through the whole entry, i think her jaw hit the floor, realising what i'd read. i asked her about what i remember written (as i said in first post - a lot of mental blanks. tedency to speed-read quite poorly).

I know a lot of you have said 'dump the hoe' and other such advice, espicially after reading 'on the phone....... save it for a later date'. after having been read the passage, word for word a little less shocked than when i did on saturday, it read a LOT differently when read properly, and not skimmed.

'the only reason we didnt fuck was he couldnt get it up' didnt exist written like that, or mean anything like that.

'I stopped him. I couldn't do it, it felt so wrong. that was the only reason we didnt fuck, he wanted to. even if he wanted to he couldn't, he couldn't get it up.' to which continued to

'*his name* has a small dick. atleast now i know i didnt get the short end of the stick... haha, thats sad that you make jokes like that *hername*'

'I got off the mattress, and into his bed. God i love uno - i won the rights to sleep in his bed over a game... score! no lumpy mattress for me! sucker.. what man gives up his bed for another girl? an idiot, thats what.'

The last thing i remember was thinking what i'd done. he woke me up - he was on his phone. i hate drunken phone calls, dont you? fucken annoying people, how dare they wake up my precious sleep! oh well. he realised i was awake, and asked if we wanted to try again. i think i grunted out 'no', then he said 'oh, we'll save it for a later date then'. i just grunted and fell back asleep.

'i've tried to feel guilty, but just cant' bit read differently also, major mis-interpretation again, but there was more that i didnt read 'i cant feel guilty because i just want to forget about it. Yes, i fucked up, but if i feel guilty about it, i'm never going to get over it, and will effect us more if i do than if i dont. i just want to forget about it, and move on'

there was a lot more that i'm not going to type out that toned it down a lot more than what i thought i'd read. granted, she's not reading it to me now while i type, but thats pretty close as to how it read. she welcomed me to read it again when i'm down next if i didnt believe her. there was still the talk about the talking to her friends about the differences, but also had her writing that 'if i do that, they'll never let me live it down, and i'll never be able to move forward, or feel comfortable around them'

she didnt really go anywhere near as apeshit as i thought she would from reading her diary. she barely spoke of it. everytime i mentioned that 'i screwed up aswell' she replied 'yes, you did, but in the scheme of things i did much, MUCH worse'.

We spoke about it for quite a while afterwards. i said to her that she has majorly betrayed my trust, something that is going to take a lot to get back. granted, you still have some, but nowhere near what you did. the only reason you have some is because i know that it only happened once. things were going to be a bit different for a while, that i cant just go back to how things were, that she was going to have to deal with that.

all in all, i think things are a lot better for getting everything out in the open. i definately feel better, still hurt, but a lot better. i think things will work out. i honestly think she's taken a route 'la petite moi' said, i think it would be harder for her to cheat a 2nd time.

none of her friends she's had since primary school have ever seen her cry. nothing has brought her to tears in years, the last that she could remember was a funeral of an aunty.

they were flowing tonight.

you may not think that means a lot. but personally, that says a lot. yes, they may not, but i very VERY much doubt it.