siryn

good grief, I have been avoiding the boards because i knew eventually i would have to clue people in and get responses on the caucophony that the past two months has been...here goes.

so i have been in a committed monogamous relationship with my boyfriend for a year. he is lovely...beyond lovely, perfect if there ever was such a thing. i love him, he loves me. just for complications sake, i happen to be bisexual, and having never experienced a relationship, sexual or otherwise, with a girl, i felt i lacked in that department, and though i loved my boyfriend and felt that he was more than enough for me, i felt like a portion of my life was missing.

enter guy friend. had just met, hit it off as great friends. right off the bat, it was clear that there was some degree of attraction between us, but that has never been a problem before, so i let it slide. i have a lot of fun with said guy friend, and we start seeing a lot of each other, iming early into the morning, going to parties together, blah blah blah, basically, he was filling the void where my boyfriend didn't manage to keep me fulfilled...that is, until then, he didn't like to go out much, and most of our time was spent in our seperate rooms and walking across the hallway to say hi and kiss for a while, before being bored and returning to our seperate rooms, only to go back again and again. i felt like i was in a rut, and bored a lot. the night always concluded with one of us going to the others' room and having sex before going to sleep. nothing to complain about, but still, in being presented with an opportunity to not go to bed before midnight, and actually leave and meet more people, i jumped right in.

after a mere week of spending far too much time together, guy friend and i are clearly becoming emotionally involved, and boyfriend is concerned. in fact, everyone is in a upheaval of emotions, myself, conflicted, crying myself to sleep every night, crying at random intervals thru the day, because i feel guilty, and at the same time, torn, and unable to make anykind of decisions. after probably a week or two of frustration, i break up with my boyfriend, not to see guy friend, but to clear the board, and see neither of them. both of them consider this to be complete stupidity and beg for me to see both of them. boyfriend obviously feels like a failure at this point, but both agree that as long as i am able to divide my time somewhat, i can see both of them. eventually, they even become friends. this is lovely for a time, tho it is obvious that no one is completely happy with the situation. i begin reading a lot of material on polyamory.

boyfriend expresses displeasure with situation. over a week, he says that he won't be able to continue situation probably 10 times. it becomes ridiculously clear that i must choose one or the other. after long discussion with boyfriend, it comes out that really, he just needs something to fill the time that i am with guy friend and he is alone. enter female roommate, who both boyfriend and i totally love, and actually, to backtrack, i had fooled around with in previous week. epiphany: we will make a huge foursome of the fiasco, and everything will be eutopian. i know what you're thinking: you've got to be kidding, right? wrong, we propose idea to guy friend who loves it, and then we all arrange to confront her together. she seems interested, but gives no concrete answer. upon one on one discussion, she is uncomfortable with guy friend, feels she does not know him, and in fact, might be uncomfortable in being involved with anyone but me. it is decided that foursome plan probably will not work out, nevertheless, she hops into bed with boyfriend and i and tremendous threesomes take place for the next several nights.

needless to say, guy friend feels very left out, is considering leaving us all to our own devises, and call us all selfish bastards.

however, within a week, roommate stops hopping into bed and instead begins sleeping with different guy across the hall. luckily, this does not turn into awkwardness, we still love her and no problems. at this point, boyfriend says that he will leave me, as he can's stand to share me any more. i decide that maintaining relationship with boyfriend is more viable than attempting relationship with guy i just met, and probably a lot more stable. i break it off with guy friend, who is ridiculously hurt. it is about this time that we both confess our love for one another. ouch.

anyway, now things have mellowed out a little, still great relationship with roommate, sans sex, but not attraction, i wish she would at some point make our relationship clear, as i have confronted her on the issue, and she refuses to say whether or not she remains interested in me. relationship with boyfriend is going well again, after some initial recooperation. i think he doubts my love a little, but i reassure him on every occassion possible, and for the most part, we are back to normal. this is, of course, considering the fact that we see this situation as a possible future problem, and are considering a polyamorous relationship where we only have a third if we both love them. this is up for speculation, as i seem to be have crush problems extremely often, tho i absolutely never am dishonest about them, or pursue physical intimacy (this goes for guy friend as well - boyfriend expressed extreme distaste for the idea of me sleeping with him, so i refrained, tho it was quite a trial. there was certainly some amount of physical intimacy, but it never reached sex). anyway, we consider this to be a problem likely to repeat itself. as for guy friend, after repeatedly threatening never to speak to me again, each time, regretted said desicion and remitted it. basically, we are still very good friends, who are in love with each other (some how, boyfriend does not feel this is threatening, as he trusts that i will not cheat on him or leave him, in which he is right), however, we face serious arguments on a daily basis. relationship with guy friend is clearly at a trying position, we both doubt the love that exists between us, him because he feels rejected, and me, because it seems that he lashes out continually, thus hurting my feelings day in and day out. this is, to some extent, understandable, yet that does not keep it from being extremely hurtful and entirely painful to deal with. truthfully, we both are hard pressed to let go of each other, and suffer accordingly. both guy friend and i consider each other to put us thru agonizing torture every single day, for various reasons, including, not seeing each other sometimes, threatening never to speak again, somehow a normal conversation turning into insults back and forth, always ending in tears, love, and regret.

*sigh* there it is for all to see, my heart's on the page, and i want to know what you all think: your comments, opinions, condemnations, everything

thanks for your time
anja

taliendo

Um. . .

I'm not sure that I'm qualified in beginning to respond to your situation. I guess the advice that I can give is this - remember that every action that you have has a ripple effect on every person that you're involved with right now. Having multiple people that you are emotionally invested in only makes the situation more complicated. For me love is about giving - not to say that there aren't some selfish acts in loving another person - I just think that true love means selflessness and sacrifice.

If I were you I would start by spending sometime really assessing what you want out of these various relationships. When you take this time deciding what it is you exactly want, you can then make your decision clear to all the people that it affects and then just stand by those decisions. It may be quite hard for some time, but eventually things will get better -- if they don't, then maybe its time to foster some change.

sorry for the ambiguity. . .best of luck!

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-LIFE IS ABSURD-

Bloodslick

Wow. I can't express the goodwill that I feel towards you right now for trying to honestly and seriously explore your options in your relationships. Your open mind and willingness to try new things gives me warm fuzzies, and I'm a pool of blood on the ground.

My two cents: love can happen a lot. It's not fun to have invested time in a relationship only to leave it, but sometimes it's not the right kind of relationship for you. You sound as if you open your emotional floodgates pretty easily, so letting someone else in shouldn't be too hard if you were to leave the people you're with.

Don't go breaking up with anyone because I said that sometimes relationships aren't right, though. Take another long, hard look at things (as I'm sure you've already taken more than one) and decide whether any of these people are giving you what you need on the emotional front. Then decide what action you're going to take to get what you need.

When you go to bed at night, you are the person that you have to have made happy that day.

empu

I believe you have a deep need for emotional chaos. I believe you unintentionally seek it out and help to create it around you. I suspect you have some history of being on the wrong end of physical or mental abuse, and that this history is at least in part the root of this behavior.

I say this without judgment. It is up to you to decide to what extent you believe this to be true, and if so, to what extent you wish to do anything about it. Consider it food for thought.

analog

...........*blink*...........*blink blink*........ HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Whew....

Ok now here's the thing... YOU may be fine with polyamory and all, and I applaud your openness, but it sounds like "boyfriend" is most definitely NOT. The fact that he keeps going back to "doesn't like sharing you" after a small period of time experimenting with different permutations of roommate polyamory showcases his inability to actually function on a constant basis as a polyamory-friendly person.

Of course, it also sounds like he's one hell of a boring fuck. (all puns intended)

Keep looking around, give "guy friend" a try, and lose the "boyfriend" dude. He's doing nothing but holding you down... you even said you don't feel love there anymore-

<i><b>Hello Ms. Siryn, this is the TFP calling, this is your requested relationship wake-up call.</i></b>

You rock, best of luck.

SecretMethod70

I agree with this post actually. You say you have "crush problems" extremely often. To me, this says that either 1) you, on a sub-conscious level, attract chaos into relationships - something that could be caused by physical, sexual, or mental abuse of some sort - or 2) you have a fear of committment and, thus, on a sub-conscious level, sabotage your relationships.

I don't mean this as a judgment of you at all - in fact it's very possible I could be completely off-base considering I only know of one particular situation of yours and am not a psychologist - but it's definitely something to consider.

It's one thing to be polyamorous and open to threesomes, etc, but it sounds to me like it runs deeper than that.

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siryn

wow, i am really surprised at the depth of these posts. i have always had respect for the members of tfp, and expected some, but i was really just waiting for a couple of "you're a slutty ho" posts.

i really appreciate everything everyone has had to say so far. i feel that each of you has really contributed to my view of the situation.

empu and secretmethod70 - both of you refered to my desire for emotional chaos. i think you are right, and don't worry about offending me. i believe it functions on a subconscious level, and maybe in some small portions on a conscious level. and you're right empu - i'm not sure if or how to deal with it. i think my question is this: if i chose to deal with it, try to at least tone it down, how would i go about doing so? i feel that if i am informed of what such a step might take, i would be closer to deciding if that works for me.

Bloodslick

Okay, you're a slutty ho. I like you a lot, though. (Give the people what they want!)

If you're looking to cut down on emotional chaos, you have to cut down on emotional relationships. Don't let any of your crushes influence you. See how long you can go on your own. That's the true test.

I hate being single for more than three minutes. Good luck.

kycnl

Don't confuse lust with love. Be joyful and bold with your sexuality but take care not to misuse your power or abuse your partners' feelings or trust _ you're playing with fire.

Jedbeck

I am not sure I could live in that type of situation. It just seems to me that many lines could be blurred and some peoples feelings hurt.

But whatever works for you. I would suggest not making any major decisions without talking everything within the situation through.

skysooner

This is going to sound so generic. You want to get out of the emotional chaos. That is a good thing as it sounds like there is so much happening that it would be really difficult to find a clear direction. I, too, went through the crush stage at many stages when I was in my late teens through my mid-20s. I was confusing physical attraction with emotional intimacy (which is quite a different thing). Being physical with someone tends to cloud the boundaries between the physical and emotional (at least for awhile). Things got so much clearer once I began to figure out who I was and why I did certain things (issues from my childhood). It didn't really become crystal clear until I sought counseling to help steady me out emotionally a bit. Now I understand why I do certain things. This made my life so much simpler. I both accept myself and like myself now. Yes, I still get little crushes, but I completely understand why now and don't let it interfere with my very strong emotional/physical attachment to my wife. BTW, I do admire the way you have chosen to explore your bisexual side as well as emotional attachments to several people (which I think is perfectly viable although a tad risky).

bermuDa

I'd say distance yourself from this guy friend, your interaction with him seems to be drawing clouds over your emotional stability. But it seems that in his absence you might just replace him with another "crush" to inject chaos and drama into your relationship.

Do you really need more than one love? Do you really consider yourself in love with this friend? or your boyfriend, for that matter? I get a sense of turmoil from which you, rather than the men in your life, seem to be the source.

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rogue49

Sounds complicated.

I prefer simplicity...otherwise you'll never know which way is up.

Maybe it's as easy as you are not ready to settle down yet.
Admit that to yourself, and admit that to others,
and base your interactions on that.

Once others know where you are going with it,
then all the other bullshit is out of the way.

But remember, you can't have it both ways,
you need your relationships open or closed
play or commit
people cannot emotionally do both.
(if you do, you start dealing with trust issues & needs)

Once you decide, then it will all become clearer.

Johnny Rotten

I have this rule: No co-workers, no roommates, and no neighbors. It keeps me out of trouble. When I get in trouble, I am not hemmed in by the people with whom I'm having difficulties, because of this rule.

Everyone needs to have some rules, and, respectfully, it sounds like you really don't have any.

In other news: If you loved your boyfriend, you would not be putting him through this. If you loved your friend, you would not be doing it to him either. This kind of situation lasts for a lot longer than it should because people seem to get confused about this aspect of love. Love is compassion.

While I applaud your sexual exploration, a complicated process requires limitations so that you don't go too fast, or too slow, for that matter.

My advice, to physically move away from all of these people, may not be practical for you. It may be impossible to do so without sending the wrong message. However, sending the wrong message is, in my opinion, the lesser of two evils in this situation. The greater evil is the depths of pain you are capable of inflicting.

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Bloodslick

I'm still of the opinion that you should go it alone for a bit. Friends would be fine, but more than friends and you'd have to draw the line. I think it'd help you figure out exactly what you want for yourself, which really, truly does help you when you're trying to decide what you want in and from others.

How are things going? Can we get an update?

empu

You're likely dealing with something akin to an addiction. Dealing with that deserves tremendous respect. The most important thing, which you've already begun, is sincere self-examination. Professional counseling, as skysooner suggests, is also worth consideration.

Really it's about learning yourself. What you want, what you need, why you act certain ways in certain situations, what you can control, what you can't. Meaningful change follows.

siryn

alright, an update you asked for and an update you'll get.

i am still with my boyfriend, and happy with that. we have been talking about compromises, and how to deal with my possible need for multiple relationships, whether physical or emotional, i'm still not so sure. we have been trying to figure out how these things are possible without making him feel either lonely or inadequate. i guess we're just trying to figure out where we are going for the future.

as for friend, he has decided that the only way he can be happy is to be out of love with me. his attempt to get out of love with me is not to see me. so we speak online plenty, but being deprived of each other's presence sucks hard.

zampolit

Have you read The Ethical Slut?

Probably the best book on poly ever. It has a lot of information concerning situations exactly like this and how to deal with them. It especially addresses jealousy and how to deal with that emotion. BTW I'm in a MFM V right now. I'm one of the M's and though I have many reservations about the situation. My partner is very open honest and does her level best to love me fully and completely. She is awesome. Him I don't like so much. Such is Karma, ne? Good luck.

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