siryn

good grief, I have been avoiding the boards because i knew eventually i would have to clue people in and get responses on the caucophony that the past two months has been...here goes.

so i have been in a committed monogamous relationship with my boyfriend for a year. he is lovely...beyond lovely, perfect if there ever was such a thing. i love him, he loves me. just for complications sake, i happen to be bisexual, and having never experienced a relationship, sexual or otherwise, with a girl, i felt i lacked in that department, and though i loved my boyfriend and felt that he was more than enough for me, i felt like a portion of my life was missing.

enter guy friend. had just met, hit it off as great friends. right off the bat, it was clear that there was some degree of attraction between us, but that has never been a problem before, so i let it slide. i have a lot of fun with said guy friend, and we start seeing a lot of each other, iming early into the morning, going to parties together, blah blah blah, basically, he was filling the void where my boyfriend didn't manage to keep me fulfilled...that is, until then, he didn't like to go out much, and most of our time was spent in our seperate rooms and walking across the hallway to say hi and kiss for a while, before being bored and returning to our seperate rooms, only to go back again and again. i felt like i was in a rut, and bored a lot. the night always concluded with one of us going to the others' room and having sex before going to sleep. nothing to complain about, but still, in being presented with an opportunity to not go to bed before midnight, and actually leave and meet more people, i jumped right in.

after a mere week of spending far too much time together, guy friend and i are clearly becoming emotionally involved, and boyfriend is concerned. in fact, everyone is in a upheaval of emotions, myself, conflicted, crying myself to sleep every night, crying at random intervals thru the day, because i feel guilty, and at the same time, torn, and unable to make anykind of decisions. after probably a week or two of frustration, i break up with my boyfriend, not to see guy friend, but to clear the board, and see neither of them. both of them consider this to be complete stupidity and beg for me to see both of them. boyfriend obviously feels like a failure at this point, but both agree that as long as i am able to divide my time somewhat, i can see both of them. eventually, they even become friends. this is lovely for a time, tho it is obvious that no one is completely happy with the situation. i begin reading a lot of material on polyamory.

boyfriend expresses displeasure with situation. over a week, he says that he won't be able to continue situation probably 10 times. it becomes ridiculously clear that i must choose one or the other. after long discussion with boyfriend, it comes out that really, he just needs something to fill the time that i am with guy friend and he is alone. enter female roommate, who both boyfriend and i totally love, and actually, to backtrack, i had fooled around with in previous week. epiphany: we will make a huge foursome of the fiasco, and everything will be eutopian. i know what you're thinking: you've got to be kidding, right? wrong, we propose idea to guy friend who loves it, and then we all arrange to confront her together. she seems interested, but gives no concrete answer. upon one on one discussion, she is uncomfortable with guy friend, feels she does not know him, and in fact, might be uncomfortable in being involved with anyone but me. it is decided that foursome plan probably will not work out, nevertheless, she hops into bed with boyfriend and i and tremendous threesomes take place for the next several nights.

needless to say, guy friend feels very left out, is considering leaving us all to our own devises, and call us all selfish bastards.

however, within a week, roommate stops hopping into bed and instead begins sleeping with different guy across the hall. luckily, this does not turn into awkwardness, we still love her and no problems. at this point, boyfriend says that he will leave me, as he can's stand to share me any more. i decide that maintaining relationship with boyfriend is more viable than attempting relationship with guy i just met, and probably a lot more stable. i break it off with guy friend, who is ridiculously hurt. it is about this time that we both confess our love for one another. ouch.

anyway, now things have mellowed out a little, still great relationship with roommate, sans sex, but not attraction, i wish she would at some point make our relationship clear, as i have confronted her on the issue, and she refuses to say whether or not she remains interested in me. relationship with boyfriend is going well again, after some initial recooperation. i think he doubts my love a little, but i reassure him on every occassion possible, and for the most part, we are back to normal. this is, of course, considering the fact that we see this situation as a possible future problem, and are considering a polyamorous relationship where we only have a third if we both love them. this is up for speculation, as i seem to be have crush problems extremely often, tho i absolutely never am dishonest about them, or pursue physical intimacy (this goes for guy friend as well - boyfriend expressed extreme distaste for the idea of me sleeping with him, so i refrained, tho it was quite a trial. there was certainly some amount of physical intimacy, but it never reached sex). anyway, we consider this to be a problem likely to repeat itself. as for guy friend, after repeatedly threatening never to speak to me again, each time, regretted said desicion and remitted it. basically, we are still very good friends, who are in love with each other (some how, boyfriend does not feel this is threatening, as he trusts that i will not cheat on him or leave him, in which he is right), however, we face serious arguments on a daily basis. relationship with guy friend is clearly at a trying position, we both doubt the love that exists between us, him because he feels rejected, and me, because it seems that he lashes out continually, thus hurting my feelings day in and day out. this is, to some extent, understandable, yet that does not keep it from being extremely hurtful and entirely painful to deal with. truthfully, we both are hard pressed to let go of each other, and suffer accordingly. both guy friend and i consider each other to put us thru agonizing torture every single day, for various reasons, including, not seeing each other sometimes, threatening never to speak again, somehow a normal conversation turning into insults back and forth, always ending in tears, love, and regret.

*sigh* there it is for all to see, my heart's on the page, and i want to know what you all think: your comments, opinions, condemnations, everything

thanks for your time
anja