Hard8s

I remember hearing someone on a talk show bring this point up. A lot of time people just tell the other person just to relieve their guilt. Why not just keep this part to yourself and this be your pennance for the affair. Always having to live with the guilt and knowing what it would do to her if she found out, will make you think more about getting yourself into this situation next time. Your point is valid too, you would not want to know. Just patch it up and you hold all the guilt, don't share it just to ease your mind.

__________________
If ignorance is bliss, then wipe this smile off my face!

ratbastid

You've made your bed, and now you're having trouble lying in it. That's all.

Tell her. Take your lumps--even if that means you end up alone. Can you honestly say you still deserve a relationship after all of this mess you've caused? Do you want your daughter raised in a house where the relationships are founded on lies?

Maybe your wife deserves more credit than you're giving her, though. In fact, maybe she always did. Maybe if you come clean, REALLY apologize, and make sure she really sees you've come to your senses, MAYBE she'll be willing to work things out with you.

desdes

The only advice I care to give is that whatever you decide to do, do it with thought and do it quickly. Your life is not the only one being affected by this; i.e. your daughter.

Fenster

Get a divorce, pay child support, and learn to deal with the realities of getting married when you're not ready.

Lizziethedragon

Dude, I have been in your shoes. Want to hear something real fucked up, I decided to stay with my wife and do what it takes to make it work. When I told the "other" it was over she wanted to fuck one last time. Guess who had stopped taking the pill? 10 months later she shows up at my front door, baby in tow, and my wife answers the door. Time to tally up the score, one divorce, 3 child support payments for my three daughters, and 1 child support payment to my "son".

Bottom line, if you're having an affair where sex is the primary reason (and don't lie to yourself, it probably is), that raw intensity will fade over time. Drop the girlfriend and seriously assess your relationship with your wife. You can't, repeat can't do it with the girlfriend their to cloud the issue.

jbrooks544

Do what is right for your kid. This baby depends on you. Single mother families are much more difficult for kids.

motdakasha

If you end up separating, I can't stress enough how important it is that you stay involved with your daughter's life. Child support/financial support is not enough. Be there for her through all of this. No matter what happens, make sure she'll be able to live through it all and end up okay.

__________________
=^-^= motdakasha =^-^=
Just Google It.
BA Psychology & Photography
(I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

Tuffy_McGee

You are married and you have a devoted wife AND a child.

That should be the end of it. And you need to cut off the affair.

Do yourself a favor and DO THE RIGHT THING.

ismark

I know this might sound strange but 99.9% probability of separation will probably change to 50% if you are upfront and genuinly sorry for "your" mistake.

We often commit to hard stances when we are only imagining a situation. That changes rapidly when it becomes a reality. The key thing here though is how real you are in wanting to keep the relationship and how hard you are prepared to work to make it work. Believe me you will have to work very hard at it to regain the trust and find a new way of working together.

Your lives together will probably change quite radically, maybe it should anyway.

Key question here thought is how much do you really want it to work. No half hearted efforts here, unless you are truly committed, if not then it would probably be best if you spent some time alone.

__________________
The Grumpy Old Bloke

jukaman

i wouldn't do that. all you'll end up is hurting your daughter eventually and a handful of oats strung together. ^_^

ARTelevision

look inside yourself and do some work.
otherwise you'll continue messing up your life - and others'

__________________
create evolution

toxic515

AAAAAARGH, I am going to really try to resist the urge to be unkind here, so bear with me. I'm not one of those people who thinks you shouldn't judge... I think you MUST judge based on your standards, so here goes... Forgive me if I seem harsh, but I think reality is harsh... Here's the reality that I see.

You entered a contractual obligation to a person who has, based on your description maintained her part of the bargain. You, however, have not. Love is an interesting beast. You have control over that. Much much more so than many people like to pretend. You valued her in some fashion, for some reason when you chose to be with her. It's apparent, again from your description that she values you, and still loves you. I hate to hear that "selfless" love crap, it's all a lie. Love is the most selfish of all values. (I've ranted on that enough in other forums.) Look at the list of positives you've made. Really look at them. Then look at the list of negatives. I see bullshit laziness. Put some effort into the relationship. Be a man of integrity when it comes to your obligations. You've never made her orgasm? Practice more. Really. Take that woman to bed one night with nothing but her needs in mind. Forget your wants for a minute.. You REALLY want a good relationship and a happy marriage, it sounds like, so work at it. Get some counseling. Together, alone, whatever... Listen to her some. Why is she boring? because she spends her time supporting you and taking care of the baby you two have? I think I'd be pretty damned bored if I didn't take the time to do some things with my wife that she wants. Do I think sex outside of marriage is bad??? Hell no, but that's OUR agreement. A man of integrity is an honest man. You don't have to be nasty or brutal.

I've been married for 10 years now, been with her abut 2-3 years longer than that, and yes, we had some times when my love for her was not as strong as others. Right now, I'd have to say I love her more than ever, and it still grows. Why? because WE make the effort. You damned well knew you were wrong when you started the affair. You either divorce with some kind of cause, or you open up the relationship, but you certainly don't sneak around banging some dumb-ass hottie like a screen door just because she's got a nice rack and round ass. That's college crap you do when you're single. The fact of the matter is, if you don't already know this, you'll not likely EVER be happy. That lovely body isn't going to stay that way forever, but the dim bulb is. If you weren't sexually satisfied to begin with, then you made a poor choice in marriage, but those things can be changed. The trouble is it requires honesty... something your post makes you sound painfully short of.

Sounds like flame?? no, it's reality, get a grip.

and sorry again if it seems harsh, but you said you wanted honesty. I hope to the heavens and God of your choice that you really read it and understand. I hope the harshness does some good... for the sake of all involved.

__________________
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies
like a banana.

MuadDib

Look, at the point that you are cheating on your wife and this is a real problem I really don't think you should stay with your wife. Tell her the truth and deal with it.

__________________
"The courts that first rode the warhorse of virtual representation into battle on the res judicata front invested their steed with near-magical properties." ~27 F.3d 751

Cardinal Syn

Stay Married , ME.

Divorce is to easy. Kick the mistress to the side and say Begone!

Try and talk things out with yer wifey. What makes her orgasim. Cause by golly ge if you cant make her. She is making herself do it. TALK about it.

YOU must put effort as well.

Anyways i didnt read all the posts. But i am sure people may have said the same thing.

noodle

Ask yourself which woman you are happier with when you're with her. There's no sure fire way to know if you leave your wife you'll regret it later so don't even try to find one.

However, if you're not happy, don't stay in a marriage for the kid. Your kid would want you to be happy and if it's with another woman, so be it. It's bull to say your kid would be happier if you were with your wife. What if your daughter has to watch you and your wife fight everyday and grow up in nothing but resentment and animosity?

I suggest a lot of soul searching and thinking on your part. I wouldn't say anything to your wife until you've made up your mind. Good luck.

MichaelFarker

I have read through the posts here. I have thought a lot about these issues, and studied what a variety of professional counselors say. The men in my family have always cheated, and it is very important to me to love my wife like I should.

I appreciate your willingness to commit to your marriage, mypro. I know the situation in your marriage is difficult and painful for you. Intimacy is important. Love is a choice though, as others posted. I'd like to add that in my marriage sacrificing to love my wife has proved to be worth doing.

As far as how to break up with your mistress, I'd say it depends. First of all, don't ever spend time alone with her again. Don't let yourself be in a situation with her where you can have sex with her. Sometimes, you'll want to do so, even if it means ruining everything. Think carefully about what the possible outcomes of breaking up with your mistress are. Plan for how to deal with them. For example, the ex's may be told that you raped her and they may try to find you and beat you up. They may just hear that you've hurt her feelings and assault your wife. Plan very carefully. I've seen awful things happen.

When you break up with your mistress, don't do anything complicated. Compliment her honestly. Be nice to her, even when she yells at you. Tell her you made a comitment to your wife and you are the kind of man who sticks to commitments, or something similarly focused on yourself. Make it clear to the mistress that even if your wife leaves, the relationship with her is over.

As far as your future with your wife goes, people have been disagreeing. I believe that sometimes it is morally necessary to hide an affair. The important thing is to start considering what is best for your wife. Don't base your decision on your feelings or what you'd want her to do for you if the roles were reversed. Don't act out of guilt or pride in your conquest. Decide what is best for your wife, to whatever extent you are able to do so. You shouldn't lie. But you could tell your wife that you're ashamed of your behavior during the period of turmoil in your relationship. Call yourself names, describe your faults accurately. Ask her, humbly, to forgive you. Don't go into more detail about what you did than will help her, even if you do tell her you cheated. Carefully avoid making comparisons or creating mental images. One way or another, you will be part of each other's lives for a long time. Be kind.

Whatever else you do, tell a counselor or wise friend about your situation. Get someone who knows you to help you do what you should. It's way to easy to cheat when noone can hold you accountable.
I really appreciate how open you've been mypro. It's hard. I hope you resolve this difficult issue. Please let us know what happens.

Apache

Ok I know that staying together for your daughter sake sounds like the right thing to do but take it from someone who had to live through a similiar situation at a very young age. I was 9 when my dad finally left, and me and my sisters were happy when he did. I know that a 9 year old has a little more understanding of what's happening than a 1 year old, but still. I'm not sure how bad your relationship is, you said it was bad before your daughter was born and has gotten worse since, so not sure if you fight a lot or what, but I know when i was little and my parents would fight and argue & my sisters and i would set in our rooms crying because we didn't know what was going on. After he moved out we had a better relationship with him, he payed his child support and we spent weekends with him and I think that we were happier after the divorce. Again I know a one year old won't have an understanding of that, so you do have to consider that as well.

As for your wife I do think she deserves to know about the affair, however I know that's your decision to make and yours alone. If your worried how she'll take it when you tell her, think how she'll take it if your mistress tells her first!!!!! Something to think about. At least if you tell her, you can try to talk things out with her. Even if she won't talk to you right away she may come around. If you don't tell her and you want to stay with her, I'd say that the sex thing can be solved. Just set down and talk to her about it. Have someone watch your daughter for the weekend, and if money allows spend the weekend in a hotel just the two of you. I know sex is a BIG part of a relationship but it's not everything.

If you tell your wife and she ends your marriage, or if you just decide you can't take it anymore, you just aren't IN love with her anymore I say just end it. There is no use in continuing to hurt you both, and wasting your lives away being unhappy. Life is to short. You mentioned that your wife wasn't super hot, and your mistress was, that your wife was smart, but your mistress wasn't. There is such a thing of a hot smart girl! I would say try to find someone that you find attractive, that you have great sex with, and who is smart and successful. There is such a woman Just try to find someone that makes you truely happy. Good luck with everything.

raeanna74

First of all most marriages/relationships that result from an affair have a 70% failure rate.

Most affairs last between 1-3 years

Most affairs end as a result of being found out.

I'm guessing this girl doesn't stick around too well. She may be hot but if she's your age and already had 4 kids and 2 relationships that are still hanging on such that you have to sneak around them - Then you are in for one hell of a ride.

They say that once a cheater always a cheater. I'm not saying anything about you but do you feel you can truely trust your mistress?

Also Don't EVER leave your wife FOR the mistress. It probably won't work. Most of the time - once you go through the stress of divorce and don't have the excitement of the "sneaking" and new person then the desire for the mistress will fade away too quickly.

Counseling not having worked before isn't necessarily an indication of it not working this time. You have a wife and a child. Stick around for the child's sake. If your wife is not an unfit mother and not causing you abuse and grief then she is worth staying together with.

Even if you can't go to couples counseling - go to counseling yourself. I was ready to leave my hubby only a couple years ago but after I expressed to him what I was feeling and seriously considering he kindof woke up. Started paying attention to me and my needs. We've had a lot of heavy duty conversations and both of us have made a lot of changes. Things are so much better you wouldn't believe the difference.

I agree with so much that has already been said.

As for ending your affair. It doesn't sound like you are that bad off in your marriage. Even if you don't get along as long as she isn't abusing then there is hope to reconcile. You have a child with this marriage - do you really want to jeapordize loosing your child? She could use this against you in court I believe saying you are unfit? If you want to be the father to your child I suggest that you cut things off with your mistress. Once you tell her the news the best route for you to take is "no contact". Otherwise you will be too tempted.

Good Luck. I hope things work out for you.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

yournamehere

No problem there - in fact, I applaud your idealism and optimism, although I do not share it .

__________________
If you want to avoid 95% of internet spelling errors:
"If your ridiculous pants are too loose, you're definitely going to lose them. Tell your two loser friends over there that they're going to lose theirs, too."
It won't hurt your fashion sense, either.

hobo

Whoever you love, go with her. Don't screw your kid over though. Either get custody or send the payments.

rodgerd

As far as the mistress goes: looks fade. Smarts and personality last forever.

Your wife sounds like the better partner other than the sex. Which suggests (a) improving the sex life or (b) coming to an arrangement.

WarWagon

I think one thing to ask yourself, if not your wife, is whether or not she loves you. Is she bending over backwards to save a means of financial dependence, or is it because she truly does feel for you. Its less difficult to spruce up the sex life, especially being so young, than it is to drastically alter the lives of 3 people.

David2000

Yeah, always make sure that you put your daughter first. I'd say that you should make this decision with the mistress totally out of your mind--because "no wife" is a much bigger deal to create than "yes mistress." Just leave the mistress part out of your dealings and thinking, and decide whether you want to be with your wife. Get a new marriage counselor, take a vacation, and fall in love with your wife again.

__________________
However livin' better now, Gucci sweater now..

Al_Stone

I agree. You are absolute scum. Not a flame, just agreement.

(curse) you for making your dick a higher priority than your daughter.

Your wife will be better off without you. After my father left my mother for a younger woman she spent two years miserable. Slowly she came out of it and is now better off physically, spiritually, intellectually and possesses self-esteem worthy of the great woman she is. I can only hope your wife will blossom similarly after ridding herself of some useless dead weight (you).

Tell her all about everything so she can go to a doctor and get tested. Just because you're not worried doesn't mean you're the "sharpest tool in the shed" either.

The reason for the harsh tone of this post is a combination of personal experience and your obvious (and stated) lack of guilt for messing with a variety of people's lives. I'll stop now, I really like it here and don't want to be banned over the likes of you. If any moderators read this post and think it should be deleted, I understand.

__________________
Al

mystic511

I couldn't read through all the posts, so if i repeat anything that someone else already said, i'm sorry. Think of it as confirmation. heh.

There are girls out there who are attracted to a guy because they are married. They find it challenging to try to get the guy to drop their wife. After that, they ditch the guy and find another challenge. Plus, this mistress could never fully trust you.. you're the guy who snuck around with another woman and then divorced your wife just to be with that woman.

Your wife may be plain jane, but from what you said, she sounds like she honestly wants things to work out. Of course, when she finds out you cheated on her, it may not work out.. if it does, man, you're lucky to have such an undrestanding wife.

Stay together for your kid. There's too many kids out there that have two dads or two moms.

__________________
One day, I will become Virtually Infamous.

darkallaround

i've read most everything posted here, and let me go ahead and throw in my opinion, short and sweet.

I agree that you should be upfront with your wife.

I also agree that your mistress is no good in the long run.

Your relationship with your wife is (hopefully) built with the ability to be able to truly TALK to one another. This is key.

Oh, and one more reason to be upfront: she WILL find out. it's just one of those things. better to be from you/now then to have it hit later.

__________________
the darkness it surrounds me, consumes my very soul. within this worthless existence i shall never be made whole.

Redlemon

I'm kinda worried, mypro hasn't posted since September 18. Hope he's doing OK...

Prince

Whatever you decide to do, I've only one piece of advice that I firmly believe in:

Never EVER stay together just for the sake of a child. A lot of people think that parents that hate each other's guts is better than divorced parents. This is definitely not true.

__________________
Who is John Galt?

BlueBongo

I don't think I'd pick either, to tell you the truth. The mistress sounds like way too much drama and sounds like it would be not so great in the long run.. but also day to day life in a marriage you're unhappy in is not great either.

I would say ditch the mistress and look into divorce, if that is what you want to do. Work out what you would need to as far as a seperation with your wife and go out on your own to find what you are really looking for. Find someone who won't pull you into their drama of a life and someone you are interested in for more than just their physical features...... and most of all take some time out for yourself and enjoy your "singleness" if you would call it that.

What is really important is being happy in life.. and it doesn't sound like either situation will come to that effect.

__________________
"Things can only get so bad before they have no choice but to get better.."

illesturban

i'd like an update on what happened in the end as it's been several months since this thread was first started; in fact over 6 months! Mypro, you still around? What happened?

Dale Kemp

Mypro,

Definitely stay with the wife. Divorce is AWFUL, Financially ruinous, and really bad for your child. If none of the other reasons work for you, please stay for your child.

My experience is that most women will be more open to fun sex, and more intense sex, when they feel comfortable. You can only try to be more the suitor that you were before you married her.

I've also learned that some people think about the negatives (you) and others are oriented to think on the positives. You must change your thought patterns to the positives about your wife. She will then notice your new attitude and feel more appreciated. Her responses will make your attitude work worth while.

So court the wife. Commit the hot number to memory, and dump her quietly. Don't confess to the wife if you don't have to. If you do, say you did have a flirtation, but then came to your senses. Confessing to infidelity can only hurt your wife. Winning her heart is your goal, not hurting her.

Good luck.

And love your daughter, like the best father you can be.

__________________
Trueheart

killerbee7071

it seems strange that you have to choose either one.

1) it's a mistake to marry the first person you ever date.

2) it's a mistake to marry before 25. before that, you're trying to establish your own identity. when people get married that young, they end up identifying themselves only by/with/through other people. moral of the story: getting married too young = terrible case of codependance.

3) kids before either person is 30 is a real mistake there. you haven't had enough time to a) establish your individual identiy, b) establish and figure out your relationship [make sure you really want to make a go of the thing] and then when the relationship doesn't work, you've left a kid without a parent.

sorry to sound so critical, but we have far too many codepenant people leaving good kids out in the cold just because they think the goal of dating is marriage. live and love your own life first, then invite someone else into it to live and love it with you. that doesn't mean you shouldn't date or all of that fun stuff before you're mature enough to get married, just don't make that person the thing you can't live without.

now...... in answer to the original post.....

it sounds like you're not going to be happy with either person. you don't like your wife because you've matured and she hasn't (see above) and you're mistress is a bimbo with too many kids.

you need time off from both of them to catch up on knowing yourself and what you want and need, which you weren't able to do when you were younger because you were involved in a serious relationship so young. the fly in the ointment here is your kid, who doesn't deserve an unfaithful father caught in a loveless marriage, and the child needs to be your first consideration here. so i have two options for you:

1) stick with your marriage and make the best of it through counseling and making a real effort to rediscover what it is that you love about each other. that will start to foster the best environment for your kid.

2) get a divorce and get both women out of your life. you need to be a dad to your kid though, and never leave them. but you also need to reassess your life and grow up.

the mistress doesn't sound like an option at all, since she's obviously not a substantive personality.

it's a pickle, but i do wish you the best as you work through it.

Vales419

You knew that by talking to your wife in the past that infedility would end in divorce, why in the hell did you cheat on her in the first place! You reap what you sow, I have no pity for you.


V.

__________________
"Here's ten bucks, bring me the head of Barry Manilow" --Dr. Denis Leary

Luki

I personally find your actions to be selfish and you should've thought about things before you began your affair. You don't seem to be thinking of your future much with this affair, and how exactly is your daughter going to grow up? My mom used to tell me some pretty nasty things about my dad and vice versa, my parents devorced when I was 8. You'd be amazed the horrific things one parent will tell a child. Do you really want your daughter to look at you as a man who would be irresponsible and have an affair? I think you should stop the affair first of all, then talk to a lawyer, and sit down with your wife, tell her that it's not working for you, apologize, maybe tell her about the affair(depending on probable reaction, sometimes people shouldn't know for their own well-being). Tell her you want to end the marraige, but it's not fair to her and especially not fair to your daughter to drag this on. Try to retain a friendship with your wife, it seems that would be best. And if you really want to start a new relationship, go and look for someone with some intellegence, and morals....

__________________
Your part is silent you little toad - a line from the new phantom of the opera