|
I have read through the posts here. I have thought a lot about these issues, and studied what a variety of professional counselors say. The men in my family have always cheated, and it is very important to me to love my wife like I should.
I appreciate your willingness to commit to your marriage, mypro. I know the situation in your marriage is difficult and painful for you. Intimacy is important. Love is a choice though, as others posted. I'd like to add that in my marriage sacrificing to love my wife has proved to be worth doing.
As far as how to break up with your mistress, I'd say it depends. First of all, don't ever spend time alone with her again. Don't let yourself be in a situation with her where you can have sex with her. Sometimes, you'll want to do so, even if it means ruining everything. Think carefully about what the possible outcomes of breaking up with your mistress are. Plan for how to deal with them. For example, the ex's may be told that you raped her and they may try to find you and beat you up. They may just hear that you've hurt her feelings and assault your wife. Plan very carefully. I've seen awful things happen.
When you break up with your mistress, don't do anything complicated. Compliment her honestly. Be nice to her, even when she yells at you. Tell her you made a comitment to your wife and you are the kind of man who sticks to commitments, or something similarly focused on yourself. Make it clear to the mistress that even if your wife leaves, the relationship with her is over.
As far as your future with your wife goes, people have been disagreeing. I believe that sometimes it is morally necessary to hide an affair. The important thing is to start considering what is best for your wife. Don't base your decision on your feelings or what you'd want her to do for you if the roles were reversed. Don't act out of guilt or pride in your conquest. Decide what is best for your wife, to whatever extent you are able to do so. You shouldn't lie. But you could tell your wife that you're ashamed of your behavior during the period of turmoil in your relationship. Call yourself names, describe your faults accurately. Ask her, humbly, to forgive you. Don't go into more detail about what you did than will help her, even if you do tell her you cheated. Carefully avoid making comparisons or creating mental images. One way or another, you will be part of each other's lives for a long time. Be kind.
Whatever else you do, tell a counselor or wise friend about your situation. Get someone who knows you to help you do what you should. It's way to easy to cheat when noone can hold you accountable.
I really appreciate how open you've been mypro. It's hard. I hope you resolve this difficult issue. Please let us know what happens.
|