Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - A hypothetical situation (umm...yeah...er, sure)

killerbee7071 · 03-23-2004, 08:07 AM

it seems strange that you have to choose either one.

1) it's a mistake to marry the first person you ever date.

2) it's a mistake to marry before 25. before that, you're trying to establish your own identity. when people get married that young, they end up identifying themselves only by/with/through other people. moral of the story: getting married too young = terrible case of codependance.

3) kids before either person is 30 is a real mistake there. you haven't had enough time to a) establish your individual identiy, b) establish and figure out your relationship [make sure you really want to make a go of the thing] and then when the relationship doesn't work, you've left a kid without a parent.

sorry to sound so critical, but we have far too many codepenant people leaving good kids out in the cold just because they think the goal of dating is marriage. live and love your own life first, then invite someone else into it to live and love it with you. that doesn't mean you shouldn't date or all of that fun stuff before you're mature enough to get married, just don't make that person the thing you can't live without.

now...... in answer to the original post.....

it sounds like you're not going to be happy with either person. you don't like your wife because you've matured and she hasn't (see above) and you're mistress is a bimbo with too many kids.

you need time off from both of them to catch up on knowing yourself and what you want and need, which you weren't able to do when you were younger because you were involved in a serious relationship so young. the fly in the ointment here is your kid, who doesn't deserve an unfaithful father caught in a loveless marriage, and the child needs to be your first consideration here. so i have two options for you:

1) stick with your marriage and make the best of it through counseling and making a real effort to rediscover what it is that you love about each other. that will start to foster the best environment for your kid.

2) get a divorce and get both women out of your life. you need to be a dad to your kid though, and never leave them. but you also need to reassess your life and grow up.

the mistress doesn't sound like an option at all, since she's obviously not a substantive personality.

it's a pickle, but i do wish you the best as you work through it.

03-23-2004, 08:07 AM	#72 (permalink)
killerbee7071 Upright	it seems strange that you have to choose either one. 1) it's a mistake to marry the first person you ever date. 2) it's a mistake to marry before 25. before that, you're trying to establish your own identity. when people get married that young, they end up identifying themselves only by/with/through other people. moral of the story: getting married too young = terrible case of codependance. 3) kids before either person is 30 is a real mistake there. you haven't had enough time to a) establish your individual identiy, b) establish and figure out your relationship [make sure you really want to make a go of the thing] and then when the relationship doesn't work, you've left a kid without a parent. sorry to sound so critical, but we have far too many codepenant people leaving good kids out in the cold just because they think the goal of dating is marriage. live and love your own life first, then invite someone else into it to live and love it with you. that doesn't mean you shouldn't date or all of that fun stuff before you're mature enough to get married, just don't make that person the thing you can't live without. now...... in answer to the original post..... it sounds like you're not going to be happy with either person. you don't like your wife because you've matured and she hasn't (see above) and you're mistress is a bimbo with too many kids. you need time off from both of them to catch up on knowing yourself and what you want and need, which you weren't able to do when you were younger because you were involved in a serious relationship so young. the fly in the ointment here is your kid, who doesn't deserve an unfaithful father caught in a loveless marriage, and the child needs to be your first consideration here. so i have two options for you: 1) stick with your marriage and make the best of it through counseling and making a real effort to rediscover what it is that you love about each other. that will start to foster the best environment for your kid. 2) get a divorce and get both women out of your life. you need to be a dad to your kid though, and never leave them. but you also need to reassess your life and grow up. the mistress doesn't sound like an option at all, since she's obviously not a substantive personality. it's a pickle, but i do wish you the best as you work through it.